Stories about life.
In other words, all stories all the time.
The stories may be about me, freelancing, fiction, something interesting that I saw, heard or know about, stories of inspiration, everyday foibles, funny stories, sad stories, silly stories. Well…I guess you get the idea.
My goal is to entertain you, give you something to think about and help you in any way I can. After all, a person is only as valuable as they serve others.
Feel free to look around, read something and let me know what you think.
May all your days be filled with wonderful stories.
You can chalk it up to the rebel in me but I really hate labels. And it seems like more and more that every activity, belief, principle, component, element has to have a label. It has to be a ‘thing.’ Know what I mean?
Can’t we just be good about conservation, maximize our resources, re-purpose our old stuff, and care about nature in general without having to be an environmentalist? Or worried about global warming, climate change – or whatever the kids are calling it these days?
Or can’t people who read blogs or books just be readers instead of your tribe, your audience, your peeps?
Can’t we just be Americans without the hyphens?
Do our sex lives have to define us? Straight? Gay? Transgender? Bi? And how on Earth did our ‘sexual orientation’ (another word that drives me bats) become political?
As Americans don’t we all just have rights? Do we really need sub-categories of women’s rights, gay rights, animal rights, illegal immigrant rights? Do our smart-phones, tablets, computers, televisions and cars have rights too? Maybe not today but don’t be surprised if somebody suggests it in the not too distant future.
Are we all just widgets and demographics?
I think it’s interesting that people are so concerned about political parties and who has minorities and majorities in this administration or that administration. And yeah, it’s important. But the thing we all seem to miss is that the people who have the real power are those who can convince us that we belong in groups. That we are merely a number in their given category. That we aren’t really individuals. That we are defined by our interests and not by who we are. Who are these nefarious folks? Marketers. People who want to sell us stuff. And no matter how much stuff they sell us, they want to sell us more. We’re not people, we’re just group members, numbers, part of the demo – widgets.
For example, I’m ‘white, middle-age, single female, christian, conservative baby boomer.’ These folks don’t care that I love animals, would help anyone who needed help, am a great cook, can make people laugh, grow the best tomatoes on the planet, love a good steak, have passion for the written word, hate to drive but love cars, voracious reader, prolific writer, love puns, cry at beautiful things, shoot straight from the hip kind of gal. Because they don’t see me or you as a person, just as someone to manipulate to buy and use their stuff. (And there’s that whole creating the us against them scenario, which I probably shouldn’t even go into here…)
If you’re worried about the government spying on you and learning all about you, then you should be terrified of the marketers out there who are doing it in spades. I mean, who do you think taught the government how to do it? Whose technology does the government use to learn all your secrets?
I’m not suggesting that there is anything wrong with people wanting to sell their wares. There are a lot of really cool and useful products and services out there and people who want them and can use them, should know about them. But I am suggesting that we have allowed marketers to get so inside our heads that we no longer define ourselves – instead we let them define us. Know what I mean?
Resistance is futile – or is it?
So I suggest that we resist. Stop letting them make you a widget in a crowd of widgets. Resist the urge of putting yourself into categories – especially ones provided by others. Define yourself. Use your own words. Be the unique person that you are. Because we’re people, damn it! Right?
Are you tired of feeling like a widget in the big demographic machine? Or do you like the labels? Why?
There is an old adage about writing, or maybe it’s advice from a very ancient English Lit teacher (not sure) but they saying goes that writers should write what they know.
The problem with this old chestnut is that:
- It’s too general
- It’s too restrictive
- If followed literally there would be a lot of really boring fiction
- It might keep an otherwise talented writer from writing
Are you always your own main character?
Based on this piece of advice, it would make sense that since you have to draw from what you know that you would use yourself as a template. You become the main character of all your stories because who do you know better than yourself? But that can lead to problems… Seriously, have you ever been a spy? Or a murderer? Or a preschool teacher? Probably not. So then how can you be your main character if your main character is one of those (or countless others)?
Should you use your own real life experiences in your fiction?
This one is tricky because sure, you could use your own real life experiences if you have experiences that are relevant to your story and plot. However (and this is a big one) you shouldn’t use the real life experiences of others. For example, let’s say you knew a nerdy guy in high school who was pants-ed on a regular basis by all the football players, and often cried at lunch, where he sat all by himself in the middle of the cafeteria because he had hygiene problems? If you used the real life experiences of this person, you could get sued. If that person read your book and recognized himself or herself in the story they could sue you and perhaps demand royalties and countless other things. You actually don’t have a right to use what happened to other individuals in your story.
You could of course take real life experiences and create a conglomerate, use a characteristic here or there – but thinly veiled stories of terrible or even wonderful things that happened to other people are bound to get you in trouble. Plus it’s kind of a cheat, and in my opinion, borders on plagiarism.
So how does a writer write what they know?
First of all, you can’t take this kind of advice in any literal sense – unless of course you have led an amazingly adventurous life. But you can weave into your stories the things you know and understand and have experienced. Like what – you may ask:
- Location. Anyplace you’ve ever visited or lived in is great fodder for stories. Especially places that have well known landmarks, are famous for something, have distinctive customs, local color, dialects, etc -
- Jobs. Any job you’ve ever held enables you to write about those fields and industries. I was a waitress for many years – I know restaurants, customers, tipping habits, what goes on in the kitchen – there are a lot of interesting tidbits there. Most industries have their own culture, rules and idiosyncratic behavior which can be used to enhance your story, your character’s life or even create a plot twist.
- Religion. Were you raised as a Catholic? Did you go to parochial school? Are you Jewish? Muslim? Presbyterian? Southern Baptist? Then you probably know how real people practice the religion (or don’t). Give us the inside scoop – do nuns really rap knuckles with rulers? How do you keep a yamika from slipping off your head? Does your church rock with music on Sunday mornings?
- Lifestyle. Are you gay? Are you straight? Are you a baby-boomer? Are you an Evangelical Christian? Are you rural or urban? East coast, west coast, northern Yankee, southern belle? First generation American? What is that culture like? Tell us about things we don’t know about it, not the usual stuff that you see on every television show or movie – something real that comes from actual experience and understanding.
- Family relationships. Did you grow up in the typical American family? A dad a mom and siblings. Were you raised by a single mom or dad? Did your parents divorce when you were a child? Were you raised by aunts or uncles or cousins or grandparents? Were you adopted? Did you grow up in foster care?
- Hobbies/Interests. Are you a great cook? Do you grow the best tomatoes in the western hemisphere? A do-it-yourselfer? Furniture refinisher? A gun enthusiast? A hunter? A fisherman? A hiker? Were you a boy scout or a girl scout? Do you scrapbook? Collect memorabilia? A film noir expert? Restore old cars? A mechanical whiz? All of these are things you know about and are probably passionate about.
- Experiences. Have you ever been lost or stranded? Been arrested? Had a car accident? Had an operation? Come close to death? Saved someone’s life? Gone scuba diving? Chased by a shark? Been stalked? Been bullied? Won a contest? Worked a bunch of really bizarre jobs? Been caught cheating? Finish school two years early? Met the Pope or a celebrity?
Putting what you know in perspective
While I agree that you should include the things you know, have experienced, and understand into your writing – I also believe you can’t restrict yourself to what you know – literally. After all, there is this little thing called research that writers use all the time. If your story is about crime solving there are thousands of books on the topic, there are local police stations where you could probably get an interview, or even a ride along. Google, Bing, and Yahoo all have enormous data bases which you can access at any time. Documentaries are available everywhere about everything under the sun. Heck, even people you know can tell you about things, professions, industries, etc that you want to know about or use in your story.
So yes, do write about what you know and what you don’t know research like crazy until you know it enough to write about it. You don’t have to be literal you just have to be convincing – all the good writers are.
Do you write what you know? How do you tackle the things you don’t know so you can write about them?
I’m a writer. I’ve always been a writer. I write because I need to write. I write because I love to write. I write because it’s who I am.
And writing, though it has its challenging moments is the fun part. It’s the part where I get to go somewhere of my own creation. Where I get to converse with people who were born in my imagination. Where I can go on any kind of adventure I want.
But there is another part of writing. The business side. I don’t mean the freelance business side. That’s a post for another day (or never). I mean, the part where you sell your book. I always feel a little funny about that whole idea. Selling my book. It kind of feels like selling my child. Not that I don’t want people to read it, I definitely do – but the selling part…I don’t know, it makes me feel a bit cheap.
There is no logical explanation for this feeling. All writers sell their books, or at least try to sell their books. Some authors are incredibly good at doing it too. Some authors have platforms and marketing plans and Facebook contests and millions of followers and merchandizing deals. It’s impressive.
And I think, I need to do that. I need to have a platform and followers, a marketing plan and I could really get down with some Scotti and Zelda hats, tees and aprons.
But then I get hung up. Then I have to delve into that whole marketing thing. And marketing is a completely different animal than fiction. I suppose there is some aspect of make-believe about it but mostly it’s about finding the people who need your book.
That’s where I get hung up. Do you need my book? It’s not food. It’s not shelter. It’s not health insurance. It’s just a book, right? People can live without books. Some may not be happy about it – but it’s doable. You could have a perfectly good life without ever reading fiction.
And even if you could make the case that somebody needs a fiction book – which clearly thousands of authors have done – the question that still remains for me is, do they need my book?
It started as a casual conversation over dinner
A few weeks ago, I had dinner with a friend. We drove out to a seafood place and had a proper dinner with appetisers, main courses, dessert and coffee. It was lovely and something neither of us do that often.
Somehow we got on the topic of the book I am currently writing. He asked me what it was about. So I gave him the two sentence blurb. Then he asked me to tell him the story. I was shocked because usually my friends nod and smile, say ‘that’s nice’ and we move onto other conversation topics. But he actually wanted me to tell him the story.
So I did. I started out thinking I would just give him the highlights but instead I ended up telling him the story. The entire story. And the more I talked, the more I told the story, the more enraptured he became. I can’t remember a time when anyone had so thoroughly hung on my every word. The look on his face was somewhere between joy and euphoria. It was a-maz-ing!
I never knew that something I made up, something I imagined would bring someone joy. Would entice another human being so much. I wished I could bottle his reaction and the feeling I got in seeing his reaction.
We ended up staying at the restaurant until closing because he didn’t want me to stop the story. And when I was finished he said, “I should really read. I need to read your book when you’ve published it.”
This was even more touching because this particular friend is not a reader. Which was one of the reasons that I was so gobsmacked that he wanted me to tell him the story.
So the point is?
I realized that people really do need books. And that they don’t have to be informative books or books where you learn how to do something. People need fiction. It may not feed their bodies but it can feed their soul, or their imagination or their mind. Or maybe just give them a very inexpensive ticket to a fun vacation where they aren’t required to leave home.
It’s so easy for writers to feel frustrated and that nobody cares about this little story they are writing. But I think that if you could have been there and seen my friend’s face, you’d feel differently.
So people do need books. They need your books and they need my books. They need food for thought, for the soul, just for the fun of it.
I’m still not very good on this marketing thing and frankly it scares the hell out of me. But at least I know that people do need books. So that’s a start, right?
Do you need books? What needs do books fill for you?
I read somewhere that creative people get distracted easily. Also that they have a lot of unfinished projects because of said distraction. Is it true? Speaking for myself, yes I have the syndrome. I do get distracted easily. Sometimes. I mean, I’m a writer for cripes sakes, so yeah I have lots of ideas swirling around in my head. And sometimes even just looking at something or overhearing a conversation, or reading an interesting article sprouts new ideas.
So…what to do?
Naturally, the conventional wisdom is to find ways to focus. Personally I have a love/hate thing going with really focused people. I envy their sheer determination in keeping that focus going and often think that would be a great thing to have. On the other hand if I was walking around single-mindedly focusing on one thing, there is a boatload of things I wouldn’t notice or see. And what if one of those things could be the greatest inspiration of my life? See the dilemma?
So yeah, focus. But not too much, lest you miss something. But how do you focus and allow yourself to be distracted too?
You need a plan
All the experts and gurus talk about a plan. Sounds good, right? You put down on paper all the many steps you must take to achieve your goal(s). Sure, I can do that. But then that seems so extreme and rigid. I’m not sure us creatives really think in those terms. Do we?
Some of us like to outline and that sure could be considered a plan. Others of us write, compose, sculpt, sing, and dance by the seat of our pants. Both approaches have worked for successful people. So yeah, planning… Maybe yes, maybe not so much.
Is distraction part of the creative process?
I’m definitely no expert but the A leads to B type planning just doesn’t work for me. My mind goes in different directions at once. And honestly, I like it that way. My thinking process would probably drive a financial adviser nuts but probably not a creative. Because see, we’re creating. Making it up as we go along. We start out with an idea and the whole idea of an idea is to make it grow. Right? So we doodle. Or mind map. Or make notes on cocktail napkins. Or make big collages of the story or characters. Or, or, or. My point being that maybe going from A to Z and letting it magically lead us back to B might actually be the proper G-tortional way for creatives to approach things.
Is it genetics, technology, or just preference?
I know that science is fond of finding genes that dictate our behavior. Personally, I think that’s a bunch of poppycock (great word, right?). Maybe because I don’t think that I’m my brain or my body or any other way, just a hunk of meat directed by firing synapses. I might agree that it could family traits or habits picked up from parents but then there are so many examples of children going in completely different directions than their parents that that’s probably not it.
We could blame technology. I mean, in the modern world, who the heck isn’t plugged-in in every conceivable way to some sort of technology? Cripes, I lost my Internet connection for a few hours the other day and thought I might die if I didn’t get it back… I’m just saying. Still, I’m not sure you can really blame your own thought process on a bunch of circuit boards and bandwidth.
Then maybe it’s preference? It could be. At least that infers you have some choice in the matter. That there isn’t some force bigger than yourself directing your behavior or thoughts. Right? Yeah, that sounds better. I prefer to be a scramble-head, rather than being a focused individual. Hmmmm…
Can you fix it?
I think you can – to some degree. You can employ little tricks that keep you on track. Like you can write your list and tape it to your computer keyboard so you can’t possibly miss it the next morning. You could hire a life coach who nags you to stay on track. You could take up Yoga because I hear that makes you all peaceful and centered. You wear blinders and block out your peripheral vision or stop eavesdropping on people while you’re on line at Starbucks. Or you could just go with the flow. Acknowledge that distraction is just a part of your process and that in the end, you get to where you want to go. Because after all, squirrels are really pretty cute, furry little creatures who could inspire you to write a story about a crime busting squirrel, right?
What do you think? Should we force the focus or work with what we’ve got?
She painted her fingernails
the color of love
It matched the roses
on the kitchen table
that the dog knocked over
in pursuit of a spider
She saved the petals
and swept up the glass
ate another truffle
then planned a dinner for one.
Most of us have a tiny idealist just dying to get out and soar. We believe that deep down people are good and life is worth living. And it’s true, most people are basically good and you can have a life worth living. However, that inner idealist also often believes that in some future utopian reality, all the ills of the world will be behind us. That cruelty will cease to exist and everybody will be happy, happy, happy. Sorry but I beg to differ.
No matter what you do or how hard you try you just aren’t going to change human nature (we’re an imperfect lot, don’t you know?), and therefore – despite all wishes to the contrary there are some things we’ll just never get rid of. Such as:
Politicians. It’s a dirty job and apparently there are lots of people to do it. Because let’s face it, power and corruption are pretty attractive to a lot of people.
Whiners. No matter how wonderful things are, no matter how harmonious, aesthetic, peaceful or otherwise copacetic, someone will always complain about something. Gee, it must suck to be them.
Weather. Sorry greenies but no matter how many rules you make up. How many models you create. How many stupid, tiny, little cars you create – we’re still going to have weather. It’s going to rain. And we’re going to have droughts. We’ll have floods. We’ll have good growing seasons and bad growing seasons. It will get really fucking hot and un-fucking-believably cold. Deal with it. Unless you can put a freaking bio-dome over the entire planet, no you aren’t going to control the weather. Or prevent some weird little insect from dying out. Besides, I thought you guys were all into evolution and things progressing naturally. I mean, didn’t we all have tails at some point on the evolutionary track? Well maybe not tails but I bet our teeth are way less pointy then they were say a 100,000 years ago. Know what I’m saying?
Commercials. I don’t care what any company ever says to you or promises you. We will always be inundated with ads. Screaming for our attention. First there was radio. Then television. Then cable television. Then streaming television. And what do they all have? Commercials. Crap even most YouTube videos make you watch an ad before you can see the 40 second video. Movie theaters used to restrict their ads to upcoming movies, now it’s about anything and everything. Oh and don’t you love those little bits that warn you about being polite, turning off your cell phones and not talking during the movie?
Talking heads. Second only to whiners. A talking head’s whole purpose in life is to tell you what you should think. Whether it’s about politics, culture, entertainment, where to send your kids to school or what kind of car you should drive – apparently they have some special super-power that you haven’t. The thing I don’t understand is how they came into being in the first place. Did somebody just wake up one day and say, “hey nobody knows what to do, we need to advise them!”? Although, I think once upon a time they were journalists…but we haven’t had actual journalists for a long time…
War. Yeah, I know. That really sucks. But the thing is, as long as one person can piss off another person, there will be war. I know, I know, some of you are thinking about that far off future utopia that will put an end to war. Forget about it. One man’s utopia is just another man’s hell and if nothing else, they’ll have a war about that. War is here to stay.
Bullies. I know what you’re thinking. That because of all these laws about bullying and those nifty public service announcements, we’ll beat the bullies. Okay, well I have a unicorn in my backyard that you might like to adopt too… Like good is to bad and right is to wrong – bullies will always exist. Because some people are just mean, don’t care about anyone but themselves and want things that strictly speaking belong to someone else. And like gun-free zones, bully-free zones don’t work either. Mostly because bullies usually can’t read. And the ones who can grow up to be tyrants (the biggest bullies of them all).
Reality Shows. Which of course are as far from reality as you can get. Except that in every heart lives a little meanie who likes to see others make big-ass fools out of themselves, so they can feel better about their own selves. I know, not pretty.
Victims. Now, I don’t mean real victims. Children subjected to war or domestic abuse. I mean people who claim that every little thing that happens to them makes them a victim. They lost their job because their employer discriminated against them (never mind that they called in sick every other day and never did any actual work), or they lost their homes because Bank of America exists, or they got hit by a car because they walked out into traffic against the light while they were texting on their smartphone. Because you see when you’re a victim you don’t have to be responsible for your actions, your words or your life. You can live on the dole, make others take care of you and often star in political commercials. Life is good, ain’t it?
Know-bests. These are people are the personification of ‘do as I say not as I do.’ They live in a rarefied world where they know what is best for you and everybody else and damn it, they’re going to make sure they control, regulate and/or legislate every aspect of your life. They’re going to tell you what you can eat, what you can say, how you can act and the kind of work you may do. They will ensure you drive the kind of car they deem correct, what causes you may support and the kind of healthcare you may have. When it comes to them, however, they do what they want, they indulge in any type of decadence they desire, and you may not under any circumstance criticize them without then being sullied as a racist, bigot, one-percenter, denier, extremist, or bully.
But despite the fact that we will never get rid of these things, remarkably the human race will survive. And most of us will live decent and good lives.
Do you agree or disagree? Let me know what you think. I love to hear what other people think.
In the last few years, the popularity of digital books and novels has continued to grow and based on the numbers, it looks like they will continue to do so.
Kindle and digital books have been a great alternate avenue for writers, especially indie writers who have not had luck in following traditional routes in being published. However, it’s a double-edged sword because while Amazon and other digital book retailers have offered an alternate path for publication, consumers who don’t own a Kindle or other digital reader may feel left out in the cold.
Amazon has taken care of all that. You don’t need a Kindle to read a Kindle book because you can download any of several free apps (applications) to read your Kindle book on the device of your choice. Kindle has reading apps for:
Amazon also provides apps for Androids, Blackberries, Windows Phone and other tablets. And even if you don’t have any of the devices mentioned above, you can still read a Kindle book in the cloud – from your web browser (Internet Explorer, Firefox, Chrome, etc.)
In other words, Amazon has gone to great lengths to make reading a Kindle book as easy as possible for you.
So, if there is a book out there that you are really dying to read that is only available in digital format, don’t despair. Just go to Amazon and download the free app of your choice and enjoy your new book. You may find that you like the digital read so much that a Kindle reader might find its way onto your wish list.
As I’ve been working on the current novel, I have come to love the story, but for as much as I love the story, I love the characters even more.
Perhaps it’s because I’ve spent many hours each day with them and have watched as they’ve gone through hell and high water to prevail, or that with each new challenge they’ve grown and changed, but whatever it is I can’t seem to get enough of my new BFFs.
So, I thought it would be a hoot to give them their own blog. I have no idea if anyone else will think it’s a hoot, or want to go by and meet them and see what they’re all about. But I hope you do. So, consider yourself officially invited to Scotti & Zelda’s Blog – The real-life adventures of fictional sleuths.
Scotti, Zelda and their peeps, promise to entertain and inform by offering tips, tricks and anecdotes. Recipes, DIY tips and doggie poetry are just a few of things you’ll find there. And God knows what else, once things get rolling.
Anyway, there you have it. Be there or be square.
I don’t know about you but I am a shy writer. Despite my apparent gregarious nature online – in real life, I’m the one sitting in the corner sipping a glass of wine while everybody else is working the room.
I’ve always been shy and since childhood, have been chastised for it in one way or another. Which of course, only succeeded in causing me to burrow deeper into my internal world.
Though through lots of effort, some happy accidents, and being in the right place at the right time, I’ve managed to make a living as a writer and even published a novel.
For any shy writer, the idea of self-promotion, marketing, getting the word out or sometimes just asking someone to read our work, makes us cringe and is the source of many a nightmare that sends us into convulsions of trembles.
Good news, there is a book for us – the shy writers of the world
Speaking of happy accidents – I had the opportunity to read a book called, The Shy Writer Reborn, by C. Hope Clark.
Many of you may be familiar with Hope through her Funds for Writers newsletter, her blog, or her new Carolina Slade Mystery series. I have been a fan of this cheerful and tireless writer for many years and often it has been her cheerful and practical advice that has kept me going during times when I doubted my own writing abilities.
What I was surprised to learn was that Hope too, is a shy writer and in reading her book I discovered how she managed to overcome her shyness and succeed as a writer, while never compromising her own integrity and true self.
Here is the review:
Hope Clark’s The Shy Writer Reborn is funny, charming, and real. As writers, we read an awful lot of books on what we should do, how we should approach our careers, and the best way to promote our businesses and books. However, I’ve personally found many of these books to be a disappointment – lacking in real, practical information that can be used to achieve my writing goals.
Clark’s book is jam-packed with useful, practical tips and exercises that any writer could use to further their career. Through the use of personal experience and anecdotes, Hope seems to cover every possible situation a writer could find herself (or hope to find herself) in and how to handle it.
She covers social media, writer’s conferences, public speaking, marketing and promotion and everything in between. I can honestly say that I could use this one book alone as a guide to further my career as a writer beyond what I thought was even possible.
But more than anything, what stands out about this book for me is that Hope has a true and abiding empathy for other writers and helping other writers is a profound mission for her.
Hope’s own words serves as the best description of her own driving force as a writer:
“That force to become better and dig down deep to find the tools and power to do it with, shows in a person and his product.”
If you’re a shy writer, or any kind of writer who wants practical guidance on how to achieve your goals as a professional, this book should be tops on your list.
My thoughts beyond the review
One of the interesting things that happened as I read Hope’s book was that out of nowhere I would have ideas. Not even about the topic I was currently reading in the book, but things to do with the current novel I’m working on, how I might change the focus of my freelance business, shifting the theme of my blog. Everything and anything. Maybe it was just because the book is just that damn good or maybe because it’s the old, if she can do it, than so can I, reaction. But in the end it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that a shy writer can succeed as well as an un-shy writer – and using C. Hope Clark’s The Shy Writer Reborn, as a guidepost, you will probably increase your chance of success a hundred fold.
Highly recommend this book. Check it out.
Every year, I dust off my crystal ball and look into it to see what we can expect in the future. It’s not an exact science but it is fun and heck, sometimes I even get a couple right. And so, Writer Chick predicts that in 2014…
- The Democrats will get trounced in the mid-term elections and the Republicans will hold the House of Representatives and take back the U.S. Senate. This will largely be due to the growing unpopularity of Obamacare, which conservative campaigners will refer to as ‘the gift that keeps on giving.’ Dennis Kucinich will float a bill to change the name of the healthcare law to the Un-Affordable Care Act. However, as is the case with all the congressman’s bills, it will be largely ignored.
- Not ones to be upstaged, the progressives will start a grassroots group to counteract the Tea Party and they will call it the Vitamin Water Party. Sadly, the group will get no traction because everybody will hate the name.
- Miley Cyrus will find Jesus, stop twerking and post endless selfies of herself dressed as Mary Magdalena all over her Facebook page.
- The Beyonce’s lip syncing scandal will revive when it is learned that she has been lip syncing all along and in fact we have been listening to weird Al Yankovich as run through a ‘dirty mamma’ voice synthesizer.
- Kanye West’s head will spontaneously combust while being interviewed on the O’Reilly factor, while trying to keep his promise of never criticizing anyone ever again.
- So You Think You Can Dance adds twerking as a dance form to its repertoire and the opening show features a twerking number choreographed by the chick with the weird hair style and all those tattoos.
- Apple will release a new hands-free iPhone app that enables the user to take selfies by saying ‘shoot me.’
- Due to all the controversy surrounding Obamacare, Kathleen Sebelius will resign and appear on the Apprentice as a mid-life contestant looking for a fresh career path. Unfortunately, her lack of personal responsibility will result in being called into the boardroom so that the Donald can say, “You’re Fired!”
- Former President George W. Bush is finally embraced by the left when he becomes the Andy Warhol of famous politicians. That’s what we get for mis-underestimating him.
- The first driver-less car will hit the roads in late 2014 and will promptly cause a 27 car pile-up on the 405 freeway. Personal injury lawyers will then commence to argue for the next twenty years over who has legal liability for the victims of the crash.
- The city of Washington D.C. will create its own lottery and it will be named Lobby-Lotto. While billions will be spent, no one will ever win and after extensive congressional hearings we will learn that the money is in an offshore account that even Edward Snowden can’t hack into.
- In an effort to expand the First Lady’s healthy body program, the TSA will install state-of-the-art weight scales that all air travelers must weigh in on before flying. Those who refuse will be ticketed and sent to Jillian Michaels for forced obesity counseling. Those whose BMI exceeds the national norms will get a $50 surcharge added to their ticket and their peanuts will be given to another passenger.
- Northern Californians will be successful in their quest to form a new state which will be known as the People’s Republic of California. The state’s constitution will include prohibitions on smoking (unless it’s weed), fat consumption (unless it’s foie gras), speaking English, and heterosexual lifestyles. Children and Republicans will not be allowed entry into the new state, without adult supervision.
- A talking dog will be discovered and interviewed and humans will be astounded to learn that dogs don’t actually think.
- And finally… Occupy Wall Street will resurrect its movement by enlisting homeless zombies who feel disenfranchised by people in general and society as a whole. The new grassroots soldiers will descend on the White House on Christmas Day, chanting, ‘brains! We don’t need no stinking brains. Unfortunately, FEMA will discover that ordinary drones have little effect on the Zombie swarms and a mob mentality sets in with government workers, desperate to find helmets to protect their brains.
As always, feel free to add your own predictions to the list.
Oh and by the way, Happy New Year. I hope I’ve given you a laugh or two to start off the new year right.