I didn’t write today because…
Whether you are a freelance writer, a fiction writer or both you probably have times when you don’t get a lot of writing done. Because let’s face it, life gets in the way and most of us harbor a certain amount of guilt in being writers— because we do it at home and often in pajamas, maybe it just doesn’t seem like real work. But the guilt goes both ways, we also can feel guilty for not writing. For not getting in our precious writing time because if we don’t, how are we ever going to write that best seller or become one of the top copywriters in the country, or the next awesome indie writer?
Excuses, excuses…
I don’t know about you but I have a whole list of ‘reasons’ why I didn’t write today. (Not that anyone is keeping track of my writing schedule but me.) Perhaps like you, my inner taskmaster demands explanations for these writing lapses and I’ve developed a list that you may find helpful too:
I didn’t write today because…
- It’s just too damn hot.
- It’s just too damn cold.
- My doctor told me I am allergic to blank pages
- My dog had a weird eye thing and I had to figure out why.
- I had to catch up on Facebook.
- I got paid today and needed to buy things.
- I looked fat in my jeans.
- I’m too damn tired.
- My mind is a sieve.
- I started my diet and couldn’t focus.
- I needed to work out because my ass has gotten too damn fat from all the writing.
- There was a new episode of Master Chef that I had to see.
- I had to go to Starbuck’s and eavesdrop on conversations because I forgot how to write dialogue.
- Writing is hard.
- My story idea needed to percolate more.
- My character is going through a mid-life crisis and I thought I should let her work it out on her own.
- I have writer’s cramp.
- I have writer’s block.
- An editor was mean to me.
- An agent turned me down.
- Zelda talked me into going to a Zumba class.
- I deserve a break for finishing that short story.
- I was looking for a real job.
What’s your excuse for not writing?
How about you, what’s your favorite excuse for not writing? Leave it in the comments and let’s all have a good laugh and then get back to that blank page, eh?
Writer Chick
Copyright 2012
You might be heading toward brain death if…
Have you ever been in such a mind-numbed state that coming up with a menu for breakfast is a major accomplishment? Yep, that’s me lately. Usually I have so many thoughts and ideas traveling at warp speed between my ears that have to tell the voices to quiet down under threat of a time out. So many plans that my desk is covered with little index cards and post-its with bits of brilliance just waiting to be developed into a story, a post, an article, a poem – many of them unreadable when I get back to them. ‘Let’s see is that an m or an n?’
And the condition seems to come on without notice or preamble. Suddenly you just can’t think, you have no ideas and forget about having a conversation with anyone. However, over the years I have come up with a list of signs that I am heading toward brain death and thought I’d share in the hopes that maybe you can see it coming and do something before total flat line sets in.
You might be heading for brain death if:
1. Somebody hands you money and you say, “No thanks, I’m full.
2. You start nodding in agreement while listening to an Obama speech.
3. You regard your pet dog, cat, goldfish, iguana as one of the smartest people you know.
4. You believe that spending money you don’t have will increase your net worth.
5. You think that walking up a flight of stairs cancels out that slice of death by chocolate cake you just ate.
6. You believe reality shows are real.
7. You religiously post your score for online scrabble on face-book every day.
8. You start to feel ill if you don’t visit face-book and twitter 25 times a day.
9. You go into a panic when you can’t answer your cell phone by the second ring.
10. You think Jon Stewart is a brilliant political commentator.
11. You intend to spend the next two weeks reading every one of Sarah Palin’s emails.
12. You want to see the picture of Wiener’s wiener.
13. You’re concerned about the welfare of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan or the Kardashians.
14. You feel actual physical pain when you turn off your computer, your television or your cell phone.
15. You turn down a date with a perfectly nice guy because you’re saving yourself for Hugh Jackman.
If these or any similar signs begin to manifest in your life, you may be in serious trouble. You may be able to remedy the situation by taking a walk, having a conversation with a real person in actual English, eating a meal that does not contain food coloring, chemicals and flavor enhancers, or reading a book. Remember a mind is a terrible thing to waste.
WC
Copyright 2011
Bin Laden Send-Off
Fabulous parody by Martin Short. It’s a keeper.
WC
Let’s Celebrate Mom!
Well sometimes getting it together is tough, eh? Anyway, to all mothers everywhere – Happy Mother’s Day. Hope you enjoy yourself and don’t have to wait too long for that brunch.
WC
Some Days….
Seems to be the story of my life these days. H.T. Zelda.
The future is not ours to see—2011 predictions
Once again, we are on the precipice of a new year and the predictions are coming in fast and furious. In just a quick perusal I found that people are predicting everything from an intentional Republican strategy of maintaining terrible conditions to a live suicide by a politico on TV. Never-the-less I will share my predictions for the coming year, if for no other reason than to entertain and amuse.
Writer Chick predicts that in 2011….
1. Obama, at a loss for winning phrases and a decent speech writer will turn over the State of the Union address to Warren Buffet and Bill Gates. After Obama excuses himself to go to party, his stand-ins will tout the merits of higher estate taxes and zero population growth policies and detail the positive impact they will have on the still floundering economy.
2. Julian Assange will file a personal injury lawsuit against his ‘enemies’ for leaking personal and private information about him. Stating that when it comes to leaking information about him, such actions are immoral and unethical and he has been irreparably damaged by the leaks.
3. Despite record breaking rainfall in California the ‘water police’ will begin issuing tickets to Californians who water backyard gardens, house plants and tiny lawns. Although those growing medicinal marijuana will be exempted from such citations.
4. Six months into his new term as governor, Jerry Brown will surreptitiously start a recall campaign to have himself removed from office and replaced by a Republican. When the sh*t hits the fan Republicans will be blamed and the Democrats will appear to be the victims of the whole mess.
5. First Lady Michelle Obama will publish a new children’s book called, A children’s guide to the new living, breathing constitution. Amendments Mrs. Obama will encourage children to lobby for include:
a. The right to be force-fed vegetables
b. The right not to be fed fast food
c. The right to sue and blame your parents for everything you do that is wrong and irresponsible.
6. During an enhanced pat down, a TSA agent will cut her finger on a bobbie pin in a female passenger’s hair. The cut will require an extra large band aid and the TSA will subsequently declare that all hair pins & accessories to be potential weapons and prohibit passengers from bringing them on board. Individuals donning toupees, wigs and hair extensions will be forced to remove the hair pieces for special scanning before being allowed to wear them on board an airplane.
7. A new spate of Wikileaks documents will reveal:
a. Homeland Security Chief Napolitano is really a man
b. That Nancy Pelosi hasn’t had a heartbeat for years
c. That George Soros and Warren Buffet are twins separated at birth
8. Israel will finally get fed up with all the grief it gets and wipe Iran off the map.
9. American companies will make a mass exodus from China due to new global warming taxes extended only to American business concerns and will return their manufacturing to America, where at least people speak English.
10. In a total twist of irony, Oprah Winfrey will challenge Obama for the Democrat nomination for 2012.
11. The 112th Congress will evict the UN for years of non-payment of rent and sell the building to Donald Trump who will have his “Apprentice” contestants compete to re-purpose the building.
12. Science will discover that in fact there is life on other planets and living right here on Earth. The extraterrestrials who are like us will be found to be working for Congress.
13. Facebook will obtain eBay, Skype, Twitter and all other major social media platforms. Shortly after the acquisitions the government will sue Facebook for monopolizing social media and force a break up of the conglomerate – after levying extensive fines.
14. Google will enter the political arena with a new and progressive political pay per click advertising platform, among the unique features offered with this program will be a gps locating system that can isolate heretofore unknown voting blocs.
How about you, what are your 2011 predictions?
WC
Copyright 2010
What to do with a dead Christmas Tree
Well the presents have been exchanged. The meals have been prepared and eaten. Santa and the reindeer are safely ensconced at the North Pole. The new year approaches and everytime you enter your living room in your bare feet the dried pine needles from the tree greet you with a little surprise. What was once a fresh, supple pine that smelled like Christmas is now a large version of every houseplant you ever murdered.
Legend says it’s bad luck to take down the tree until after the new year and honestly, you don’t relish the idea of wrestling fragile ornaments out of the bramble the tree has become. Still, in a few days you will have to and you’ll have to figure out what to do with the carcass and the pine needles you’ll be finding for at least a month afterward. Following are a few ideas you may not have thought of…
1. Make soup! I have it on good authority that pine trees are actually nutritious and you can eat the pine nuts and needles – so get that outdoor kettle going and start the year off eating healthy again.
2. Make mulch. (Chipper required) For those of you who garden, pine needles make a terrific mulch and keep your flower and vegetable beds warm and toasty until spring. Of course if you get snow in your part of the country this may be moot.
3. Make a new Christmas decoration. For those of you who don’t want to contribute to the landfills, you can turn your old tree into a giant decoration for next year. Just nail that baby to a wooden block, spray paint the whole thing silver or gold and then varathane the whole thing. Caution: store in a cool, dry place and keep it away from the water heater and boiler.
4. Put it on the curb and let the city worry about it. Most cities pick up the trees in ‘special’ trucks and take them to a ‘farm’ when they can run and be free. Caution: Don’t tell the kids about the chipper.
5. Plant it. Okay, this really doesn’t apply to a dead tree – you have to have one of those tiny little potted live trees but you can plant those. Of course, half the time they don’t actually grow once planted and the ones that do, get big, so don’t plant too close to the house unless you want to fix your foundation a few years from now.
6. Leave it up til it falls down. Of course you can just leave the tree up and let nature take its course. Eventually all the needles will fall and the ornaments will end up in a heap on the floor but so what? And once the tree has shed all it’s needles you’ll have a nice hunk of wood. Roasted marshmallows anyone?
7. Carve a walking stick. Depending on the size of your tree, you could have a fair amount of wood left over once you skin the branches and needles from it. Cut the trunk to size and carve yourself a nice little old shillelagh (shill-lay-lee) come St. Paddy’s Day.
These are just a few ideas but if you put on your thinking cap, I’m sure you can think of other environmentally friendly and innovative things to do with your dead Christmas tree.
WC
copyright 2010
Random Christmas Thoughts #56
I don’t know about you but some of the weirdest thoughts I have pass through my mind during the Christmas season, such as…
1. Does my dog know it’s Christmas or is she simply traumatized by being dressed up as a reindeer? Can PETA sue me for that?
2. Is Rupdolph the red-nosed reindeer green enough? What kind of carbon footprint does a shiny red nose leave? Come to think of it, Al Gore’s nose seems pretty red.
3. Is Santa an equal opportunity employer? I mean how many of his reindeer are girls?
4. What would happen to Christmas if the elves unionized?
5. Will Santa need a federal bailout if the polar ice caps melt too much? Is he too big to fail?
6. Why do people shake Christmas packages to find out what’s in them? Are they just budding TSA agents?
7. Is Santa gluten intolerant? Will the 1st Lady’s food initiative outlaw leaving cookies and milk for a clearly obese individual (for his own good)?
8. When will some screwball politician propose a don’t ask, don’t tell policy for Christmas?
9. Why must banks refrain from displaying Christmas symbols because it shows a bias toward certain customers when the tellers speak spanish, chinese, russian and other languages toward certain customers?
10. Will the naughty or nice list be outlawed because it penalizes a group of disenfranchised citizens?
11. If Christmas displays can be shut down because it offends non-Christmas enthusiasts, why can’t mosques be shut down because it offends non-jihad enthusiasts?
12. If there is supposed to be a separation of church and state, why does the White House have a Christmas tree? Why do the administrative staff have Christmas parties? And why did the president of the United States abandon his own press conference to attend a Christmas party? And why is the first family going on Christmas vacation? (Oh yeah, and how much you want to bet that all federal employees get Christmas bonuses too?)
Anyway…what kind of random Christmas thoughts do you have?
WC
copyright 2010
The New 12 Days of Christmas
Hey everybody, given current events I just couldn’t help but do a Christmas parody. And now, the new and improved 12 Days of Christmas…
On the first day of Christmas,
my government sent to me
A tax hike with a green fee.On the second day of Christmas,
my government sent to me
Two bailout plans,
And a tax hike with a green fee.On the third day of Christmas,
my government sent to me
Three pat downs,
Two bail out plans,
And a tax hike with a green fee.On the fourth day of Christmas,
my government sent to me
Four fast-food laws,
Three pat downs,
Two bail out plans,
And a tax hike with a green fee.On the fifth day of Christmas,
my government sent to me
Five naked body scannings,
Four fast-food laws,
Three pat downs,
Two bail out plans,
And a tax hike with a green fee.On the sixth day of Christmas,
my government sent to me
Six Dems a-squawking,
Five naked body scannings,
Four fast-food laws,
Three pat downs,
Two bail out plans,
And a tax hike with a green fee.On the seventh day of Christmas,
my government sent to me
Seven czars a-czarring,
Six Dems a-squawking,
Five naked body scannings,
Four fast-food laws,
Three pat downs,
Two bail out plans,
And a tax hike with a green fee.On the eighth day of Christmas,
my government sent to me
An eight dollar rebate,
Seven czars a-czarring,
Six Dems a-squawking,
Five naked body scannings,
Four fast-food laws,
Three pat downs,
Two bail out plans,
And a tax hike with a green fee.On the ninth day of Christmas,
my government sent to me
Nine website shutdowns,
An eight dollar rebate,
Seven czars a-czarring,
Six Dems a-squawking,
Five naked body scannings,
Four fast-food laws,
Three pat downs,
Two bail out plans,
And a tax hike with a green fee.On the tenth day of Christmas,
my government sent to me
Ten Wiki leakings,
Nine website shutdowns,
An eight dollar rebate,
Seven czars a-czarring,
Six Dems a-squawking,
Five naked body scannings,
Four fast-food laws,
Three pat downs,
Two bail out plans,
And a tax hike with a green fee.On the eleventh day of Christmas,
my government sent to me
Eleven cameras spying,
Ten Wiki leakings,
Nine website shutdowns,
An eight dollar rebate,
Seven czars a-czarring,
Six Dems a-squawking,
Five naked body scannings,
Four fast-food laws,
Three pat downs,
Two bail out plans,
And a tax hike with a green fee.On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my government sent to me
Twelve numbing speeches,
Eleven cameras spying,
Ten Wiki leakings,
Nine website shutdowns,
An eight dollar rebate,
Seven czars a-czarring,
Six Dems a-squawking,
Five naked body scannings,
Four fast-food laws,
Three pat downs,
Two bail out plans,
And a tax hike with a green fee.
As usual feel free to add verses and if you drink spiked eggnog whilst singing, it really sounds so much better.
WC
Thanksgiving Dinner
Hey folks, make sure you’re passing all the right stuff to your fellow diners. Have a good one and get ready for shopping!
WC
