Life is cruel sometimes and often crueler to me than most. I mean, look I set off with the lofty goal of quitting smoking – after I’d been doing it for a bagillion years. So, I wrongfully concluded that life would do me some sort of favor by doing so. Perhaps I would be able to sing well enough to audition for American Idol. If not that, well enough to not crack the bathroom mirror. Or maybe my teeth would become sparkling white. Or better still, that I’d find I’d have more energy and get all zippy and perky.
But nooooooooooooooo. No way. No how. No, no, no. Instead, what did life give me for my ultimate sacrifice? Yes, right. a big, fat ass. No kidding. My ass went from just big – to ginormous in like 2 hours. Still, I persisted. I went without. I cursed, I cried, I screamed at pretty much everybody – but I didn’t smoke. Still my ass grew, like the tear in the ozone layer that Al Gore (who also has an ass problem if you don’t mind my saying so) is always whining about. In fact, I recieved a notice from the post office the other day that my ass officially has its very own zip code.
So, now after a year of wedging in and out from behind the steering wheel, trying to count how many new chins I now have and eating chocolate non-stop I have decided to put my foot down. I have made a pact with my fat ass. I have promised to let my fat ass wear stretchy comfortable pants after work, after I work out. My fat ass in return has got to get out of the chair and work out. Frankly, I don’t trust the ass any further than I can throw it – but I’m willing to go on faith for the time being.
I’ve also gotten my big mouth to agree to remain shut when in the vicinty of food. And my thunder thighs to agree to squats – providing I buy talc to cut the chafing. My hair on the other hand has been quite cooperative and for that I am thankful.
So, anyone else out there have a misbehaving fat ass that you’d like me to talk to? I can give it some tough love. I can whip it into shape. And I’ll get right to it as soon as I finish this hagen daas.