I think most of us have had at least one really bad date. Some of us have probably even had more than one. But for those of you who don’t know how to tell if you are on a date from hell, here are a few clues:
You know you’re on the date from hell when:
1. You mustached dinner date has a booger resting between nostril and hairlip and despite frequent trips to the restroom has not noticed. So, you spend the evening waiting for it to fall.
2. Your date prefers to watch you eat rather than order a dinner for himself and even volunteers he hasn’t enough money for two dinners anyway.
3. Your date feels free to scoop up tips left by other patrons in order to pay for his beers.
4. Your date doesn’t tip the waitress (who he just ripped off) which causes you to wait til he isn’t looking to slip the waitress a five.
5. He arrives at your house to pick you up for a coffee date, with grocery store roses and a cheap bottle of wine (how lucky does he think he’s going to get?)
6. For said coffee date he passes on Starbuck’s and goes straight to Denny’s.
7. Your date suggests dessert then drives you to the Shell station convenience store (30 miles away) and tells you to pick anything you want.
8. Your date looks like Steve Buscemi’s ugly older brother. ( Have you seen Steve Buscemi?)
9. The good night kiss reminds you it’s time to clean the fish tank.
10. The picture your friend showed you to agree to the blind date is clearly a picture of a model in a magazine or taken so long ago that there is no trace of resemblance to the current person.
11. Your date reminds you of one of Santa’s elves (and makes you feel big and fat to boot)
12. Your date feels that eating off your plate and making creepy sounds is a sexy come on.
13. Two minutes after you order your date launches into a monologue of all the bad relationships in his life – which apparently is every one before you.
14. When your date suggests you might like to read his short stories and you agree he whips his laptop out of his trunk and asks where he can plug it in.
15. He gets sulky when you tell him you want to go home after the 5 hour coffee date.
16. Your stomach is growling so loud that it is setting off car alarms yet he doesn’t notice and asks if you’d like more coffee or to go for a drive.
17. When he asks if he can see you again and you decline he acts as if you are breaking up a 20 year marriage.
18. Your dog will not stop barking at the man.
19. Your cat barfs on his shoes.
20. You slink down in your seat when you see someone you know – lest they see you with him.
21. His idea of a nice drive is playing chicken with pedestrians pushing baby strollers.
22. He tells you his favorite movie is Dune.
23. His favorite sport is bitching.
24. He brings coupons to pay for dinner.
25. His car smells funny.
26. During the drive to the shell station his facial features turn into an evil mask and you wonder if he really is a serial killer and what you might have in your purse to fend him off.
27. He leaves his sunglasses at your house so you have to call him back – which he turns into an opportunity to discuss what went wrong with your relationship.
28. Being 20 lbs overweight, he wonders out loud if you should be eating such a fattening dessert.
29. He does not understand the words, ‘please go home.’
Feel free to share and add to the list. 😉