Christmas on the Boulevard – 12 days of xmas #5


Cooking is something I love and coincidentally one of the things I do best. For that reason (and many others) when time and space allow I can usually be counted on to cook up a storm on Christmas. This particular year though I opted out.

It was my first Christmas after Mike and I broke up and something about doing the big dinner just didn’t sit right with me. Instead I put together a co-op Christmas Brunch. Which really turned out to be great. I made the eggs, bacon, sausage and fresh-squeezed juice, Maxine brought breads and muffins, Libby brought fruit, somebody brought deserts, and yet another brought cheeses and other nibblies. We all lazed around in my tiny livingroom, after feeding heavily from the buffet I set up in the kitchen. It was a wonderful 80 degrees outside and it was more like a pool party than Christmas.

One by one my guests bid their goodbyes, having dinner plans elsewhere and I made sure that each took away some of the leftovers, lest they pass my lips and end up on my thighs. A brilliant plan I thought….at the time.

Libby, my somewhat eccentric friend had no plans so she stayed and we yakked and laughed and smoked for hours. We were having such a good time in our chat we decided to keep it going and thought what fun it would be to just go out for Christmas dinner. Nothing fancy mind you, especially since Libby was attired in her usual denim overalls and sneakers, but surely Denny’s would be open or someplace like that.

So, we decided to walk down to the boulevard. That’s Hollywood speak for Hollywood Boulevard. You know that famous little strip of land that you hear about and read about out there in the real world? Where every step you take lands you on the star and name of somebody famous. Where drag queens, hookers, tourists, wannabes and regular folk alike stroll and take in the sights.

A good plan, right? I mean how could something go wrong? Who woulda thunk that not one shop, store or restaurant would be open? Ah…us! Yep, that’s right. We walked and looked and walked and looked and walked some more. But, ah…no….didn’t we realize it was Christmas day? Didn’t we have family or friends who could feed us? I mean…didn’t we?

Of course we weren’t having any of it. We knew if we just kept walking that we were sure to find someplace. Just as we reached Grelman’s Chinese Theatre (you know the one with all the handprints and footprints of movie stars?) we spotted a lovely pink neon sign that said ‘open.’

“See,” Libby crowed, “I knew we’d find someplace.”

So we crossed the street and pulled open the door to Frank’s Diner. (Yep, that is really what it was called.)

Oh good, I thought – some good greasy spoon Christmas dinner was going to hit the spot.

The waitress who was a mere 150 years old shuffled over to us as we sat at the counter. “What’ll ya have?”

“Turkey dinner, of course,” we said.

She screwed up her face in a sour puss. “We don’t got no turkey dinner.”

“Really?” our eyes were wide and hearts very sad.

“What’ll ya have?” she asked again completely unphased by our charms.

“Menu?” Libby chirped.

Two xeroxed sheets of paper were plunked down in front of us. “Coffee?”

‘Ah, sure.”

We studied the menu and looked for anything that could possibly approximate Christmas dinner. We both decided on the hot turkey sandwich. It was almost like Christmas and we’d have pumpkin pie for desert. We ordered.

The coffee came and our spoons stood straight up in it. We went through two cream pictures in an effort to make it drinkable but the color never really changed from the muddy brown hue it came with.

At last the hot turkey samiches arrived and our eyes sparkled until Myra (we named all old waitress Myra) slapped them down in front of us. Okay, ready? Wonder bread with turkey loaf, instant mashed potatoes and BROWN gravy all over everything – even the peas and carrots. To say it was fucking awful is to pay it too high a compliment. But we were starved so down it went. And we laughed like a couple of giddy cokeheads. For some reason it was hilarious to us that this was our Christmas dinner.

When finally we gave up on the brown gooey mess we asked for pumpkin pie. “We’re out,” she said and gave us our check.

Of course they were.

We paid our check and walked arm in arm back down the boulevard toward home. On the way back we spotted a Falaphel stand and ordered a couple. Hey, at least it was edible and the big tanker of diet coke helped it go down nice and easy.

By the time we got back to my place it was late and Libby decided to go home. I plopped down on the couch and turned on the tv – what luck – White Christmas had just started and it was the perfect end to a perfect day.


5 thoughts on “Christmas on the Boulevard – 12 days of xmas #5

  1. It’s funny how your perspective while going through something determines whether it’s a “perfect day” to laugh about, or the worst day you’ve ever experienced because it wasn’t “traditional.”

    Holiday traditions are nice, but sometimes they seem to get in the way. Rather than the holidays being about enjoying each other and celebrating our lives, it can become about checking off each of the traditions on the to-do list.

    I like how you named your elderly waitress “Myra.” 🙂


    You’re absolutely right, Kelsey. It really is all in your perspective. For me, this was one of the most fun Christmases I ever spent. It was like a bad movie – but one of those bad movies that just makes you laugh.

    How’s the Grinch-a-thon going, hon? BTW, I meant to suggest “Surviving Christmas” rather than “Stealing Christmas” two totally different flicks.



  2. You should have looked for a food pantry… or a shelter you could have had a true Christmas experince and seen how lucky we all are…

    I’m afraid those types of places are all downtown and walking downtown from where we were would have taken hours. But based on your comments you might enjoy a story my friend Sarah has posted.

    It’s called Nick. Check it out.



  3. It’s these kind of memories that are the sit back with family and friends years down the track and all start a story with ‘remember that time…….’

    Yes, and preferrably with some deliciou potable in your hand. 😉


  4. Geez. I wonder how many of us have forgotten that there just are no restaurants open on Christmas, not even MacDonalds! I remember that same situation where we were dreaming about the fine restaurant meal, cleverly knowing the effort would be all someone else’s as well as the cleanup after. Only to find restaurant after restaurant was closed. More power to you to turn that greasy spoon into a fond memory! Great story!

    ~ PG

    It really was a great Christmas that year cuz everything was just a little askew (love that word) – and that seemed about right. Although, I never expect to eat out on Christmas since then. I probably would have been much grumpier about it if we hadn’t had the spectacular brunch earlier in the day though.


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