This is the time of year that we are all supposed to take stock of our lives – at least the most current part of same – and see the errors of our ways, things that can be improved, bad habits that can be shed, reaffirmations of goals forgotten, lost or abandoned. Pretty serious stuff.
I don’t know about you – but I’ve never been very big on New year resolutions. The concept sounds nice in theory – the old clean slate approach. The old year is ending and the new upon us, why not make those changes, improvements, goals in that same spirit? Well logic tells me that if a person wanted to make those changes, lose that 20 pounds, quit smoking, stop dating co-dependent men/women, become more centered, find the peace within themselves, fly to the moon or stop drinking, carousing and/or in any form improve themselves or their lives they’d just do it. I mean cripes, how silly to only give oneself that small window of opportunity to affect a change in their lives.
So, I was thinking that a new trend might be in order. I think at the stroke of midnight in the first minute of the new year we should all sit down and resolve what stupid, idiot, assinine behavior we simply won’t give up. It probably won’t help anything either, but it could be a lot more fun:
On the first minute of the new year of 2007 I resolve:
1. To continue flipping off people who cut me off in traffic. I may add to that a short stint of manical stalking – at least for the next quarter mile.
2. To tell stupid people that they are stupid and they either need to get smart or stop taking up space.
3. To add several more obnoxious patriotic bumper stickers to my car.
4. To spend money I don’t have.
5. To buy frivolous things with the money I don’t have.
6. To find the sourest puss in the grocery store line and to make faces at them til they laugh or leave and get me that much closer to the checkout.
7. To make fun of the Clintons, John Kerry, Jimmy Carter, Imajihad, Lil Kim of Korea, Rosie O’Donnell, Mike Wallace, Maureen Dowd, Brad & Angelina, Rodney the idiot, Al Gore, myself and pretty much anybody I feel like.
8. To squeeze my fat ass into jeans that are too small, whilst taking small, rapid breaths (who knows I could meet someone on the bus).
9. To call AT&T and scream at them for general purposes.
10. To be proud of my big fat ass.
11. To say whatever stupid-ass thing that comes into my head.
12. To refuse to diet.
13. To have more adventures with Zelda and anybody else who has the stomach for it.
14. To pretend I don’t remember what year I was born.
15. To eat ice cream and hot dogs and wave flags on the Fourth of July.
16. To like and admire George W. Bush.
17. To believe that there is a God and no amount of indoctrination will ever change that.
18. To know that most hearts are in the right place but that minds and mouths often aren’t.
19. To have fun even when life sucks.
20. To wear funny socks that so don’t go with my outfit.
21. To not care how I look in the bank television monitor.
22. To watch movies that make me feel good.
23. To write stories that I love.
24. To blog my fricking ass off (hey maybe it will work???)
25. To know that every day is a miracle – even if I have to try very hard to see it.
Those are my resolutions – how’s about you?