Hot Off the (Church Lady) Press!

(HT to KellyToo, who sent me this hilarious list. WC)

They’re Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy.”
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours”

7 thoughts on “Hot Off the (Church Lady) Press!

  1. Hubby and I almost peed our pants on a couple of these ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Great list, thanks for sending them. And btw, where the heck have you been lately? Hmmmm?
    l/y
    WC

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  2. “prayer and medication to follow”

    Now thats MY kind of church!

    LOL, especially the medication part – eh? hehehehe
    WC

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  3. Thanks for printing this list. My wife saw it and I am no longer allowed to go to the church basement on Friday afternoons. Damnit!!!

    Aw, sorry Evyl, I forgot to hide that one. ๐Ÿ˜‰
    WC

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  4. Those are funny. Some would be really funny as captions for pictures.

    You’re right Lolly – it’d be fun to find some great pics to go along with these bloopers.
    WC

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  5. LMAO!! I wonder if people do these deliberately sometimes…I mean seriously, how can you NOT notice what your writing…don’t they read it out loud once they are done!
    Kelly

    I don’t think so – I think people just overlook the parts that are missing – or see them in their mind, so to speak, even though they really aren’t there. They are awful funny though.
    WC

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  6. I laughed so hard milk came out of my nose- and I wasn’t even drinking milk…

    LOL DT. You’re talented. ๐Ÿ˜‰
    WC

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  7. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
    Ahhh, the magical fruit.
    Anyone got a match?
    Classic post.
    ~m

    LOL – I loved that. And how I would havge loved to hear the serenade. ๐Ÿ˜‰
    WC

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