Snappy Office Come-backs!


Hey – ever get a little tongue-tied at work? You know, somebody chaps your hide and you just sit there like a kid with an IQ of 30 or something? Then about 15 minutes later your mind kicks in again and  you think of all manner of things you should have said? Well here’s a little list you can keep under your keyboard for those very occasions – you can even laminate it so coffee spills won’t hurt it. Good luck and hope it helps.  

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring
it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when  someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies,  don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever  be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out,it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change
your life and send you straight to manager’s hell
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I’m not here for the money anyway 

Feel free to add any to the list that I’ve overlooked. 😉

(PS: HT to A-Mum for the list – come back soon Moe)

5 thoughts on “Snappy Office Come-backs!

  1. I’m not sure how I feel after reading this…better (its good to know I’m not the only moron out there working for a living) worse (put a positive slant on it all, its my day off and I HAVE to go back tomorrow) or just sad (cause its all true!) or slightly hysterical (as afore mentioned; I HAVE TO BACK TOMORROW!)
    On a more dreadful note…I turn that ugly,forboding,depressing 5 0 today. How did I get that old overnight? I can assure you I wasn’t that old yesterday!

    Well darlin, it was only supposed to make you laugh. Don’t take any of it to heart – it’s just p ure sarcasm. As to your berfday – why didn’t you tell me? HAPPY BERFDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Forget about the years old you are and be happy to be alive. If you weren’t I wouldn’t know you. You know?
    Love ya,


  2. I am rarely at a loss for words. I guess it is due to my removing the filter between my brain and my mouth years ago. When in doubt let it out. It is much less stressful that way.

    I never knew there was a filter in my brain. That could explain a lot. 😉


  3. I would prefer, should I ever work in an office, the silent approach. Like switching the coffee in the breakroom to decaf for a month, then switching to to espresso. Or maybe stealing their office supplies and hiding them in the acoustic ceiling tiles. Better yet, switching the office photos of the family of the party in question with the photos of another person’s family.

    Although, it would suck if they found out it was you.

    LOL – you definitely do not have a cublicle future if your already thinking of this stuff. Too funny.


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