Zelda for President!


I don’t know about you but I’ve been looking over the candidate lists of likely runners for the White House in 2008 and I’m simply not impressed.

It seems with the Democrats that it’s going to come down to Hillary and Barak. Of course, there are the usual second string of snoozers, Kerry, Dodd, Edwards, Algore, Biden and so on. The ones that just have to keep trying and never seem to get there – usually because they tend to eat both of their feet at the same time.

Not really sure what’s up with the Republicans – there is no clear front runner. McCain is the Republican version of Gore, always running and never winning and a sore loser. Rudy is too middle of the road. Tancredo is interesting but probably won’t get enough traction because of his immigration stance. Pataki ain’t nothing to write home about. The two who strike me as interesting are Fred Thompson and Newt Gingrinch. Fred because he has that easy going southern man thing going and seems to be a true conservative. Newt because, well he’s Newt. Certainly as polarizing as Hillary and the idea of the two of them duking it out sends me into absolute glee.

That being said – it bores me. I want a real candidate, just once in my lifetime. Not a politician, not spinmeister, no a liar or a dancer or a campaigner – but somebody real. Know what I mean?

Therefore, I have a new candidate to offer. Sure, she doesn’t have a chance in Hell but this is my blog and it’s filled with all my other fantasies, so why not this one?

I give you Zelda. And who is Zelda, you may be asking?  Obviously, she’s my friend. She’s funny in a goofy, absent-minded sort of way. And she doesn’t suffer fools gladly. Good start, don’t you think? She’s, self-sufficient, can drive any vehicle known to man, has all her survivalist gear (for the ultimate Armageadon) in place and ready to roll when the time comes, has a big-ass Blazer which she calls Chomp, is very smart, logical, has a buttload of common sense and makes her living telling other people what to do. And they pay her a lot of money to do so.

What kind of platform will she run on? Why CHANGE of course. Change is the buzzword of the new millenium and we (of course, I’d be her campaign manager, right?) intend to take advantage of change for all it’s worth. Change what? Why everything of course. Once upon a time politicians promised a ‘chicken in every pot’ (I think this was during a time when people were living on spam and white bread), Zelda will:

1. promise to take all the chicken-shits and put them in a pot.

2. She’ll get rid of the IRS in favor of a National Sales Tax – sure a lot of useless government workers will be thrown out of work and nobody will be able to milk the tax issue anymore, but we like to live dangerously.

3. Public Schools will become a thing of the past. Property owners will no longer finance schools that act as babysitters and teach children nothing but how to waste time. School will be voluntary and only those who want to learn will be allowed to go to school. People who want their children to go to school will have to pay for it, but since they will only be paying consumption tax, they will have a lot more disposable income and besides their kids will actually be learning something, so it’s a win-win situation.

4. Stupid people will be forced to work at places like McDonald’s, Burger King and El Pollo Loco. They will not be paid minimum wage because there will be no such thing. They will be paid whatever said businesses feel they are worth. Which should result in a surge of young people wanting to learn and return to school so they can get jobs that actually pay them enough to live on.

5. People who are afraid to drive will have to walk, take busses, cabs or get rides from friends. The morning and evening rush hours will become a thing of the past. Which will result in fewer accidents and lower insurance rates.

6. Newspapers and news outlets will be held to the truth. They will be fined for every falsehood they publish, promote or forward. Consequently, there will be fewer newspapers and news outlets and people will be thrown out of work. Which is okay, because there are plenty of positions open in the Circus and Gameshow industries.

7. All road construction will be done at night, when there is no traffic and the work can be done quickly and efficiently.

8. Government workers will no longer have a union. They will work as public servants. They will not get cost of living raises, free medical, mandatory benefits, or free passes on performance. They will be fireable if they are incompetent at their jobs. They will not be able to take the case to the Supreme Court or the ACLU. If they suck, they are out.

9. Doctors will be allowed to practice medicine.

10. Cops will be able to do their jobs.

11. The southern border will no longer require border guards or fences. Instead, a canal will be constructed and filled with pirhannas, sharks, giant squid and other scary creatures. Anyone who manages to cross it will automatically have earned citizenship and we’ll call it the Lotto.

12. Congress will actually be required to attend sessions and if they don’t attend said sessions and voting periods they will be docked accordingly.

13. Congress will be required to submit a balanced budget and if they don’t they will be docked accordingly.

14. Members of Congress will not be allowed to act stupidly in public – if they do, they will be docked accordingly.

15. Hot dogs will no longer list, mouse ears, pig snout and cockroach legs as ingredients.

16. The government will no longer bail any private industry out of trouble. This may result in fewer banks, airlines, railroads, NPR, museums, utility companies, phone companies, etc. But the ones that remain will be solvent and likely far more popular.

17. Supreme Court Justices will be required to remain awake during all sessions and if they don’t will be docked accordingly.

18. Animal cruelty will still be against the law, however, animals will not get the right to vote.

19. Hypocrites will be fined and ordered to rehab until they have only one face and no longer speak out of both sides of their mouths.

20. Anyone who takes a hair dryer into a shower with them and turns it on, will be on their own and financially responsible for any damage caused.

So there you have it, Zelda’s platform. Any questions?


16 thoughts on “Zelda for President!

  1. She’s got my vote.
    Plus I like the sound of President Zelda.
    I especially like #11. . .

    Cool, you can run the East Coast Headquarters. Number 11? I had a feeling you’d like that one. 😉


  2. Zelda would have my support if I lived in the U.S.
    I wish she would move to Canada, we could use her here.

    Hey Bill, nice to see you here. Canadian politics aren’t so hot, either? It must be a universal thing.


  3. take down their idiot king and put in your own idiot king, thats the way its usually been in our great country.

    an interesting post for you


    Well, sort of…Zelda is no idiot, although she did get trapped under a trash can once (another story, another time). I’m glad you found it interesting, yet I sense that maybe the post surprised you? Nice to know I’m not yet totally predictable.


  4. Ok, seems she’s also solving some health issues with her platform, nobody left to grill burgers at Mickey D’s means they’ll go out of business, means we’ll have to discouver fine dining = big plates with nothing on it.

    Naw…there’ll always be fast food. Some things in America will never change. And Zelda loves pretty things – big plates, little plates…crystal. See, Shopping, Zelda and the $500 Limit. 😉


  5. I’ll vote for her if she’ll also ban the incessant use of the word “like” in the speech patters of everyone under 30. That, and an improved respect for this country’s exhausted middle class.

    Good stuff

    So….like, uh…you like…uh don’t like…it when people like…overuse the word like? 😆 Yeah, I know what you mean. Again, I blame the public schools and the thought police. If people weren’t so concerned with just stating their opinions we’d probably have less of that. My pet peeve is that phrase, Peace-Out. What the heck does that actually mean? Does anyone know? I sure don’t.


  6. Ahh…hot dogs! I was just craving one until a few moments ago.

    I know, there are some things like comfort food that is hard to give up. But I hear that hot dogs really contribute to cellulite too – good enough reason for most women to swear off of them for life. 😉


  7. Hi WC,

    First, I do hope you’ll consider me for Dirty Tricks Director.

    2. Only if you make store list the price of items with tax included!

    3. This alone would be enough to get my vote. It would be really nice to actually be able to own property, instead of renting it from the Government.

    4. Kindly reconsider on this one. While I limit my visits to fast food restaurants, when I do take advantage of their services, I would like my food prepared by competent people. Considering the number of smart people who are waiting to get into our country, I suggest we work out a trade deal, where we get the worth while immigrants in exchange for our dummies and some trade concessions.

    7. I’ve always wondered about that.

    11. While this would, no doubt, become a great tourist attraction, the aquatic nasties you mention are not all that reliable at eating people. Thus, you will need to budget for some genetic engineering to up their efficiency.

    May I also suggest:

    21. We are withdrawing all of our military forces inside our national borders, or to international waters. Anyone who messes with us will be nuked. Anyone who wants our protection will be provided with a price list.

    22. We are cutting off all foreign aid. Any country wanting our assistance will be provided with a price list, and we will be happy to work out a payment plan.

    23. We are withdrawing from all international organizations. Those of you wishing our council or assistance will be provided with a price list. This includes the UN. If you wish to maintain your clubhouse in NY, you will be provided with a price list.

    24. We will no longer be exporting medications to countries that impose price controls on them.

    the Grit

    I’d be happy to make you the dirty tricks manager – as long as I get to be the giant brain. 😉

    As to #2 – there would be no hidden taxes in anything if they actually did it correctly. Food and necessities would not be taxed. And everybody who bought anything (like even gangsters and drug dealers) would pay taxes if they consumed products. See, win-win.

    Not surprised you liked #3 – again win/win.

    As to #4, have you actually experienced this at a fast food place? I thought it was a given that incompetence and fast food went together. Otherwise, why must I always check my order before leaving the premises? 😉

    #7 could be done – hey, they can hold up people on the tarmack so Clinton can get a haircut, they sure as heck can schedule construction during slow traffic time.

    #11, well I figure with all the money we save on guards, fences, free medical and so forth, a little r&d should be a piece of cake.

    We can happily add your suggestions – I can’t believe I didn’t think of them myself. 😆



  8. I’m on board, but not with #11. Humans are animals themselves, and “President Zelda” is against animal cruelty, it is contradictory. And hypocritical, therefore in violation of rule #19.

    Okay DT, don’t go all literal on me. The idea is to act as a deterrent. Also, a canal would be deep, so tunnels would not be likely – nor would be rushing the canal in an SUV. Naturally, no plan is perfect – but it’s at least worth a try.



  9. hey, believe me when i say i try my damndest not to be condecending if i came off that way, damn being the evil genius its like some sort of natural occurence for me to seem that way even if i havent done anything to look that way.

    when i am that way its usually a completely drunken mistake on my part when my mind blanks out into stupidness

    No worries, DS – I didn’t feel any condescension at all. Don’t give it a second thought.


  10. Well said. I needed that. I like the border idea. Very fair, as though there are things that can be earned.

    Yeah, I had this image of bubba type guys standing canal side with these giant nets. I know, I know, I’m sick and twisted…a-yup.


  11. Hi WC,

    I must warn you, before becoming part of the Zelda Administration, that I am evil. I have failed to inform some of my employers of this in the past, and it has caused problems down the road.

    On #2, the problem is in defining necessities. My son would insist that his cell phone falls into that category, for instance. However, it does have promise.

    On #4, oh yes. The two local Golden Arches that I frequent have most competent staff, as does our local Taco Bell. While mistakes will happen, our fast food restaurants have fewer write-ups from the health inspectors than the fancy restaurants in this area. It could be a Southern thing?

    On #7, if the Marines can’t keep them quiet, then all is lost anyway.

    On #11, cool! Flying mutant piranhas! While I seem to recall that being in some cheesy horror movie, it does have potential in the border control area.

    As to additional ideas, I have more, but dare not express them in public 😉

    the Grit

    Hey Grit,
    I like the sound of ‘The Zelda Administration’ has a nice ring to it. Oh, I know you’re evil – why do you think we get along so well? 😆

    LOL- flying mutant pyrhannas (sp) – loved that image.

    Feel free to send me your other ideas privately if you like. We like innovative, albeit evil, ideas. muwawawahahweaae…


  12. LOL! All except I think we should start letting the pets vote now. Zelda will be a shoe-in that way.

    The canal was hysterical. For good measure, we could throw in Godzilla and King Kong patroling the banks of the canal. They can pick up any strays not taken care of by the piranhas, sharks, et al.

    Yes! Zelda for President! Of course all of her 3 dogs and six cats will move into the White House with her. Perhaps we can find some nice cabinet positions for them.

    ~ PG

    Hey PG! I was thinking you might make a good Secretary of State. 😉


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