10 Things to do With a Dead Spouse


Okay, so last week I did a post about posts I never did. Still with me? Good. Well, I did a little re-thinking and with a little encouragement decided to actually take up one of the topics. Now, contrary to popular opinion, I did indeed, once have a spouse. So I know of what I speak. Obviously it didn’t work out – no chemistry. None of that stuff that keeps you with a person despite all the many things that drive you nuts about them and prevents you from killing them.

I bring this up only because in order to know what one can do with a dead spouse, logic dictates one would have had to have had a live spouse, once…right?

Here are my ten suggestions of what to do with a dead spouse:

1. Fertilizer: This is pretty obvious – once you have the dead spouse there is always the issue of smell. Hence the whole concept of organic gardening comes into play. It gives a new meaning to the phrase, ‘I love you so much I could eat you with a spoon,’ doesn’t it? Tip: Mix 50/50 with steer manure which helps to mask the sweet smell and has plenty of nitrogen for good green growth.

2. Coat Rack: I don’t know about you, but I’m short on closet space. However, I do have an empty corner near the door. Tip: Position arms before the set in of rigor mortis, then wrap in gauze dipped in embalming fluid to discourage insect infestation. Alternate tip: Research taxidermy before endeavoring to do this project.

3. Unique Christmas Tree: Nothing warms the heart more that spending the holidays with loved ones. Especially when they are decked out in sparkly garland and plastic santas. Tip: Spray paint dead spouse with either silver or gold – it enhances the shine & sparkle, especially if you have a roaring fire going.

4. One-of-a-kind Coffee Table: Have your dearly departed hermetically sealed in a pine box with glass top. You can paint the box or use danish oil to seal in a natural finish. It is a non-stop conversation piece and because of it’s size can comfortably facilitate a dinner party of eight. Tip: Have body clothed before installation or the conversation will get out of hand.

5. Fed-Ex Him Back to His Mother: Nothing makes a mother happier than to learn that the tramp her son married no longer wants him. Plus, moms don’t mind dusting or hand feeding and have an endless supply of air freshners. Tip: Check with Fed-Ex for custom sized boxes – may require a special releases and waiver form.

6. Soylent Green: Don’t know what I’m talking about? Rent the movie.

7. Cat Scratcher: Why have your pampered feline scratch up your furniture when you have a perfectly good dead spouse for them to use. Tip: Using this option before going onto option #1 could be a winning combo.

8. Fix Them up With Paris Hilton: She’ll never know the difference and I hear she enjoys really edgy guys. Tip: Attach castors to bottom of feet, to make moving and posing a snap.

9. Trellis for Tomato Plants: I don’t know about you but I can never find a trellis strong enough to hold the beefsteak tomatoes. The vines cover and climb nicely and pests will opt for them, not your tomatoes. Tip: Dress dead spouse in plaid shirt and blue jeans so he will blend in with your garden motif.

10. Put in Green Trash Bin and Let Somebody Else do the Heavy Lifting: We all must do our part to save the planet and recyle and repurpose our waste, so this is a win-win situation. You will probably also get some extra carbon credits for this and your tax dollars will finally be doing something for you. Tip: If dead spouse is over 4 1/2 feet tall, you will  have to fold before putting into bin.

Okay, those are my suggestions – what are yours?

PS: Yes, I know I’m a sick, sick individual.

18 thoughts on “10 Things to do With a Dead Spouse

  1. Put a t-shirt on him with a bullseye and use him for archery practice.
    Imagine all the fun you could have when one of your arrows “miss” 😉

    Wow Mikey, I think I’ll make this one the honorary #11. I never thought of sports – hmmm…I may have to do a sequel. 😆


  2. I’m partial to #5 myself, although ~m (above) makes a strong case. Loved this post. Guess that makes me one of the sickos also!

    LOL – #5 could possibly have been reflecting feelings left over by my erstwhile marriage and former mother-in-law. Hard to say. And no worries, we all like sicko’s here. 😆


  3. You are absolutely killing me, I’m only at number three but laughing that my face hurts. Had to take a break and write these lines…..

    Now that’s punny. 😉 I must admit, I was laughing when I wrote it – and I couldn’t stop. Something about writing things that are so utterly ridiculous, while maintaining a straight face drops me to my knees. 😆


  4. WC, number 5 needs to be written into some law or something official, it’s just too damn perfect!

    Yeah, and Fed-Ex could tap into a whole new demographic. 😯


  5. OMG. Although the ‘correct person’ personality had little skeptical voices screaming inside as I saw the title, the ‘I just love the fact that one can come up with 10 benefits’ curiousity just had to read it.
    As sicko as this might be, I had one of the best laughs in a long time…..

    Hey Spaz,
    Glad it gave you a good belly laugh. God knows we all need them – believe me, this I know. 😉


  6. You are a hilarious, hilarious individual. I know that the dead people are going to haunt me for laughing at this, but damn, that’s funny. Do some more. I command thee.

    Thanks DT. Otay, I’ll do more. Any suggestions?


  7. That was a little disturbing, but I have to admit that I laughed at number 5. You get rid of the husband and payback the mother-in-law-from-hell. Two birds with one stone. Excellent!
    heart. mckenzie.

    Oh Kenz,
    It’s just for fun – nothing serious there. And yep, #5 seems to be the most popular one.
    heart WC


  8. Hm, lemme see – well, how bout pouring a bit of concrete and making a nice new staircase or wall leading up to the house? (you could always insert a nice glass wall so that you would have something you could always remember him by – it could be very interesting over time)

    Hmmm…’spouse-in-a-wall’ I like it. Good one. 😉


  9. i laughed at the coat rack but the very best of this was the tip in #4-
    “Tip: Have body clothed before installation or the conversation will get out of hand.”
    Oh. My. Word. :>

    LOL – can you imagine? “And here is my new one of a kind coffee table – oh howard always did like to stand at attention…” 😉


  10. hehe .. great way to start the day. Thanks MsChick! Although I would have to say that I love the tomato idea. But I don’t want to use my current spouse. Can I use the former one instead?

    Well of course you can use the former spouse – I mean, they’re extra right? So, you could easily use your spare. 😉


  11. WC,
    Great list. I love the reference to Soylent Green, very cool.
    How about making them into a Pinata, you could rent the ex Pinata out to womens parties, ha.

    Ooooh, that’s a good one, TBM! I really like that – okay honorary #12 for that one. 😆


  12. I was laughing until #9 at which time I realized that 1. my friends think I look like a scarecrow and 2. my parents dressed me in plaid and blue jeans growing up and it’s just sort of stuck as the only clothes I wear (unless forced by work or wedding to spiff up). Memo to any would-be spouses: Please be sure I’m dead and not just ignoring you before staking me to the ground.

    Aw…poor Puddlehead. No, we wouldn’t stake you to the ground, as long as the limbs look limber, I think you’re safe. 😉


  13. Great post. It reminded me of an old joke.
    There was a guy whose wife had died and reported it to the authorities two weeks later. When the cops questioned him why he didn’t report it sooner, he told them that he just now figured it out. He stated, ‘She died on the couch and I didn’t know. The sex was the same but the dishes kept piling up.’

    I think I’ve heard that joke but it involved a french lover and an englishwoman. 😆


  14. “Unique Christmas Tree: Nothing warms the heart more that spending the holidays with loved ones. ” You are so twisted. 🙂
    I love this one.
    I’m so glad you decided to do this post. It’s one of your best!!!! kim

    Yep, I be twisted ‘n’ shit. Sounds like a good name for a blog, eh? 😆


  15. I just read this out loud to my SO and I could barely read it for laughing so hard. kim

    LOL – I guess the combination of my twisted sense of humor and watching too much HGTV just culminated there. 😆


  16. Bwah -ha -ha- ha- ha- ha- ha- ha- ha
    (Pause to catch breath)
    Bwah -ha -ha -ha -ha -ha -ha -ha -ha

    Wow Marion, that was my best comment ever! I love that you couldn’t even speak. 😆


  17. OMG, I’m so loving the hat rack one!! How about as a second passenger for those lanes where you need more than one person in the car??! Along with a clothes peg for the nose and some protective sheeting for the car seat…on second thoughts, it may not be a good idea!
    Cheers, Kelly

    Yeah, you know I thought about the car lane passenger one but I think it slipped my mind when I was writing this. It would be a good alternate for sure. 😉


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