Are You Lonesome Tonight?

I realized today that I’m not in a good place. I don’t mean the house where I live or the city in which the house resides. I mean my insides. My head, heart maybe even my soul. I think this was a good realization because it’s making me think and to ask why?

It also made me try to backtrack – to find the time when I was in a good place. Curious really. It seems that over the last few years I’ve become the person I never wanted to be. Less hopeful, less positive, more grouchy, complaining and confused. I honestly wonder from time to time if I’m losing touch or have less of a grip on my senses, especially when I catch my typo’s.

But it’s made me ponder the bigger question – was it meant to be that way? I find myself lonely a lot. I don’t mean in the romantic way – though there is that – but more so in a general way. Most of my friends and people to whom I feel close don’t live nearby – in fact, most of them are at least three states away. With daily life, mine and theirs it’s hard to stay in close touch – some of the connection you get by being in people’s daily lives and they in yours ultimately gives way to the frustrations of daily life, stress, distractions. And I often chide myself for falling out of touch – forgetting to call when I’ve been meaning to, letting birthdays slip past me, not seeing the daily victories and being able to share in them. To no end, really, because what good does that do?

Back to my question: Was my life meant to be this way? Lonely, somewhat isolated, introspective much of the time? When I was a kid I was a bit of a loner. I liked it that way. Five kids in a three bedroom house is a whole lot of noise and chatter and I liked it when it was quiet and I could think or daydream. Maybe that is where it started – I never was the center of attention in anyone’s world, not even mine. My parents had too many children, financial woes and responsibilities to give us much quality time. Each of my siblings found their own way in the world. Their own way to cope with a family that was strung together more from DNA than any kind of spiritual glue. Not that I ever felt I wasn’t loved, I did, I knew I was. But I also felt as though I was regarded as an odd duck, even when I was very small. Like I spoke perhaps not a different language but definitely a different dialect – apparently, it’s all in the intonation, not the words themselves.

So my fate perhaps was set as a child – I would find my own way. Which I did and continue to do. Yet, I can’t say that makes me happy. It makes me lonely. It makes me long for at least one person who will stay constant in my life. One person who would notice if I wasn’t there and be interested in why not. One person who wouldn’t have to move away by several hundred miles in order to fulfill their life plan. Sounds like a significant other, doesn’t it? I wonder, maybe that’s all that it is. If so, I could be in a bad way because I haven’t met anyone who could really turn my head in a long while. Not sure if there is one out there who could anymore. Or maybe it’s me who isn’t doing the head turning. It could be in fact, that I am unlovable. Maybe it’s too icky to get too close to me? How’s that for paranoia?

I wish with all the magic pills they seem to be inventing lately that someone would invent a pill that could grow more adventure in my soul. That could be it – I need an adventure and Zelda is too busy and besides her adventures usually include injuries. Any suggestions?

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18 thoughts on “Are You Lonesome Tonight?

  1. Oh Annie, how I felt this. I’ve always been an introspective loner too, from very young. I was feeling much the same way before I met my fiance. I’m not good at maintaining friendships either and so many of my friends have moved away over the years. Despite my fiance, who makes me so incredibly happy, I still l0ng for closer female friendships.
    Can I just say, you are NOT unlovable in any way, shape or form! I know getting love from your blogging fans doesn’t cut it, but this window into your soul here has made me feel the warmth of your heart and the joy of your wit over and over again.
    My advice, for what it’s worth, make a conscious decision to love and admire and nurture yourself. Really KNOW that you are infinitely lovable in every way. Cleanse your body, do some exercise classes, ride a bike, laugh, whatever it takes to wash out some of the doubt and then sit and quietly imagine what/who you really desire. Because YOU deserve it Annie, and when you truly realise that, it will all come to you, and then some. I did this before I met CJ and I’m so glad I did.
    Sending you love and hugs,
    Simonne x

    Hey Simonne,
    Thanks for this – I get that you’re pretty lovable yourself. I think maybe for me, this a year of change. Big change. Deep change and I’m at sixes and sevens about things. So it tends to make me reflective. I like the cleanse the body idea, God knows I could use that. Though I never got the hang of loving myself, not quite sure how one does that – but I appreciate the sentiment very much. Thanks so much for saying this.
    Annie

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  2. Loneliness can be beautiful too. As Simonne says, love yourself as you love another. Spread the warmth of your heart within you before trying to share it with others.

    Loneliness is the gift that allows you to open yourself up to yourself. Gives you the chances to see yourself as nobody else ever will. And I believe you will find yourself beautiful and strong and vibrant in every way.

    Thank you, Ritwik, that was a very lovely thing to say.
    WC

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  3. Since I can’t think of an inspiring thing to say at present, I thought I’d share some things with you.

    Things that I do that tell that I feel lonely.
    – Watch one movie after the other and they don’t even have to be good (Ghost rider? You are kidding me, right?)
    – Keep eating things but none of them satisfy me
    – Request puppy faced hugs, although I just got one five minutes ago
    – Check my e-mail in-tray every 15 minutes
    – Check my blog every 5 minutes
    – Need a blanket even if it’s roasting
    – Get a cardiac bomb from Starbucks (VENTI of course)
    – Go for a car ride, radio channel surfing, as there is not one song on that I like
    – Call up friends, however hang up before they answer, I don’t really want to talk to them.
    – Write old crushes e-mails (which I save as draft, never send)

    How I get out of feeling lonely,
    well, mostly, something hits me in the head, like a corner in our house, the fridge door, the dog’s rawhide bone or some other toy, a 2 by 4, a role of toilet paper or some other divine sign that reads:
    “Sorry I just had to smack some sense into you”.
    🙂

    Spaz you make me laugh. And btw, have you been stalking me? 😆
    WC

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  4. Hi WC,
    I can’t speak for anyone else, but there are times when I feel like you describe. Then I remember that we all have demons, foibles, hopes and shattered dreams.
    When they get me down I realise that’s the mind saying: it’s been too long since you did something different. It’s all got too familiar. Time for the proverbial kick up the backside and do something you’ve been putting off – something mildly crazy. And afterwards …
    As a writer, the result is a flow of ideas that keeps the demons at bay for a while – or, at least, a way to play a trick on them and turn them into inspiring words.
    But that’s what a writers’ existence is, isn’t it?

    Hey Anthony,
    You nailed it – I need to shake things up a bit. Have a fun adventure – something kooky and whacky. I’m in my element then. And you’re right the demons do end up on the page – where they belong. 😉
    WC

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  5. you’re not alone, been asking myself the same exact questions for about 3 months now, and i still don’t have the answer.

    l/y
    FC

    Hey Baby Girl,
    Yeah? Really? Maybe it’s a symptom of summer? You know all the hoopla about how summer is so cool and happening – yet here we sit wondering WTF?

    l/y
    A

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  6. Lovely:

    I could go into depth. I know to well what it is you are talking about. I won’t go into any detail, though, and I won’t try to give you any advice. Just know that as lonely or alone as you might feel, you really aren’t. If you want to talk, feel free to email me. I’d be glad to even call you.

    Mckenzie

    Aw, you’re such a sweet girl. It’s why I love you to pieces.
    Annie

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  7. WC – you and I seem to be on the same level of the house today. You do have us here in blogland, but I know it’s not the same. I’ve found it difficult, if not impossible, to make new solid friendships the older I get and that’s depressing. I’ve taken some solace in the connections I’ve made here, however, where there is a lot of positive feedback and good strokes all around. {{{{{I’m passing you the hugs I received today from Simonne and Muse and Deb and V, and I’m adding my own. }}}}}

    Hey OB,
    Since we’re in the same level of the house, we should meet for coffee. You know the thing of it is, if I had all my blogger buds living in my neighborhood I’d be having a helluva good time. You’re all welcome, just make sure you turn left at Arizona.

    All kidding aside, I totally know what you’re talking about. And it’s just wrong you know? Since we’re older and wiser and have had some adventures, you’d think making friends would be a piece of cake, wouldn’t you?

    Hugs back to you all. ((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))
    Annie

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  8. Was Life Meant to be this way? – I don’t know, but life is about dreaming, and trying to a greater or lesser extent to reach that dream. It sounds like you’re trying to define your dreams, or rather imagine specific representations of them, something that you presumably do (in a less personal way?) all the time as a writer.

    Once you’ve got those specific pictures in mind, then you can have a go at getting there, but actually the most important thing is the dreams.

    Hi Brian,
    You’re right – about the dreams, they do keep you going. I’ve been mostly working on marketing myself and my book and for some reason doing the nuts and bolts of that, seems to exclude writing too. Like I can’t do both at the same time. It makes me restless. I really want to get back to the writing (blogging notwithstanding) and feel that creative rush. Marketing is just hard work and boring and tedious as hell.
    WC

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  9. Sometimes having expectations about how life “should” be can get me down down down.

    My experience tells me that everything changes and I have faith that our attitudes change too.

    Here’s to change!~

    Much love and many hugs my friend.

    Hey Sweetie,
    You’re right, life does change and I guess eventually we catch up. I try not to have expectations but I suppose they creep in whether you want them there or not.

    Love & hugs to you.
    Annie

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  10. Hi WC,

    While I’m waiting for that perfect moment when my wife and I can feel we have lived up to our responsibilities to children, family, and society and go do what we want to do, I have gained a tiny bit of experience as to what makes the waiting OK. For me, it consists of a combination of Zoloft, Scotch, and modestly priced cigars. Ah, to go trout fishing again! Hang in there!

    the Grit

    Hey Grit,
    I hear you. Ah to do what we want when we want and nothing but. How fun would that be? I’m with you on the scotch and smokes but them happy pills scare me. Not going near em.
    WC

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  11. We all seem to have these times in our journey. They are needed, for self reflection, for growth and development. Your hunger will be quenched, however you must focus on what you want, not what you don’t have. There is a huge difference. When you focus on being lonely, you attract more of what you don’t want into your life. You are a beautiful soul and you know how to pull yourself out of this self induced slump. Listen to your heart. love thy self and know that the light which you seek already radiates within you. Allow that light out and you will be amazed how it will all come together.
    Hugs and love!

    Hey Mark,
    Thank you for being such a positive guy. And for sharing your positivity (is that a word?) – with all us kooky bloggers. I really am trying to focus on what I want in my life – and not focusing on what I may not like. But I think you have to assess where you are before you can take the next step. And this is what I was doing – getting out of denial and just looking at it. Know what I mean?
    WC

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  12. I dont know what to say, MsChick, as I’ve never felt this way. But I’m sending good vibes to you, hoping they’ll treat you well.
    Sam

    Thanks Sam,
    I can feel those vibes coming my way. 😉
    WC

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  13. Well, you know what they say about the ugly duckling? Can you tell me?

    Seriously, nothing is forever, and you won’t feel like this forever. Like how I won’t suck at being sympathetic forever.

    Hey DT,
    Well if that’s the case, then I guess we both have something to look forward to, eh? 😉
    WC

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  14. Annie, from looking at the massive reply w/ good thoughts and amazing insights on this post – it’s apparent there are so many people who care for you. I’m sending you a hug. I have been feeling VERY much like you for a while now but am not able to express it. So, you’ve worded it in a way that makes me know I’m not alone! You have a real gift for writing! I wish I could express myself like you. It will pass. It’s neat that you can express it even though you cannot understand why you feel that way! By doing that, you’ve gotten wonderful input from all of these wonderful people – I hope you feel better soon! Love,
    Bella

    Hey Bella,
    We certainly do seem to have found some kindred spirits, haven’t we? The funny thing is that I wasn’t really feeling depressed when I wrote this – it was more me trying to sound it out – get some distance so I could look at it and ponder it.

    I was surprised that like you, others have been feeling the same thing. LOL. Maybe we’ve all sync’d.

    I think you express yourself quite well – keep at it, it only gets better.

    I’m glad that this post made you feel you aren’t alone. You aren’t – we’re all here. Any time. Truly.

    Love,
    Annie

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  15. Thank you for visiting my blog and nice feedback. I greatly appreciate that.

    I have read “Are You Lonesome Tonight?” Wow. That’s the wonderful post. Your first words just put me in awe – that’s the masterpiece indeed. You wrote “I realized today that I’m not in a good place. I don’t mean the house where I live or the city in which the house resides. I mean my insides. …” – Wow, I recognize myself in your words. That’s stunning.
    I understand, the compliments above aren’t the answers to your questions. Though all we like the flowers, but need one other to enjoy the aroma of the beauty around us… However, what can I answer you? Is it possible at all to answer something? Everything would be just the words….
    It is easy to say “die for self.. Recognition of self in other (in every single passerby) – is the key”
    But that theory must be put into practice to bear the fruits. The practical steps are needed. And they are done already. The blogging is one of such steps that unlock the Spirit in us and our comments reveal our harvest.

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  16. i think you should go on a singles cruise. meet some new people and have some good adventure! but i’m always playing the matchmaker so….

    Cool, let’s go together! 🙂
    WC

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  17. (I just got back from a 4000-mile road trip, so anything I say should be taken with the contents of a fast-food salt packet.)

    Every time I’ve sat down and taken Serious Inventory, I’ve wound up despondent. I’m now at the point where I think it’s probably better for my sense of self to blow off some of that introspection in favor of occasionally (not constantly – that would cause a different sort of upset) throwing the routine out of whack. (Hence things like 4000-mile road trips. I note in passing that I met seven of my readers along the way.)

    Wow, sounds like a fun trip. Yep, shaking things up sounds about right. 😉
    WC

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  18. Nick loves being alone too. I like it sometimes, but I crave people. I think you need a sabbatical. A soul cleansing. Come up with a challenge for yourself. Do something different. I dream of being able to get in a car and take a trip, not knowing where I’m going when I start. One day. 🙂 You’re a wonderful gal. Don’t lose sight of your strength.

    Yeah, a sabbatical or an adventure sounds good about now. I just got a book called the 4-hour work week. I plan to make it my new religion. 😉
    WC

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