We all have them in our lives. As co-workers, neighbors, friends of friends, in-laws (hopefully) distant relatives and (probably) not-so-distant relatives. Assclowns. Yep.

It’s the brother-in-law who is going to get you see the light that your drinking American beer contributes to global warning. The co-worker who never does their job but gets raises and praises. The neighbor who is in a hot competition to prove he can grow the greenest lawn on the block.

The politician who promises to solve all our problems but gets amnesia the moment they are sworn in. The spoiled celebrity brat who thinks flashing her business will increase her album sales. The talking head who thinks if they just explain things right to you and your little mind you will see the light and fall into line. The store clerk who can’t figure out how to open the cash register, much less ring up your sale. The Starbuck’s kid who takes your money and then forgets that you haven’t gotten your coffee.

They’re out there folks and their numbers are increasing.

Personally, I blame the schools. Back in the day when I was in school, you weren’t taught about sexuality and multiculturism, you were taught math, english, history and economics. You were expected to use your brain and be aware of the fact that there were actually other people in the world, who also had opinions. And said opinions were expected to make sense by using facts and critical thinking. Can you say, debate club? You were expected to actually earn your grades through study, hard work and turning in legible papers, reports and passing tests. You weren’t graded on a curve – you were graded on what you got right and what you got wrong.

Seems like these days you don’t need facts, the ability to think or even a valid argument of any kind. Having an opionion is more than enough. And since we’ve leveled the playing field, we are supposed to be willing to listen to anybody about anything, lest we show our racist, bigoted or intolerant selves. Hey, just because is a convicted serial killer and rapist doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a right to an opinion. Charles Manson is just a grossly misunderstood guy. Suddam wasn’t hurting us, why did we hurt him? That five year old who kissed the little girl in the playground awaits trial for sexual harrassment. If he’s lucky, he’ll get counseling and some mind altering drugs that will set him straight.

Meat is bad. Soy beans are good. Man is evil. Animals should be able to vote. Society’s right to survive must take a back seat to a rare and nearly extinct weed. Smoking causes cancer and should be outlawed. Marijuana should be legalized. Republicans who are gay must resign. But they must also embrace gayness because they are homophobic.

These are all products of the assclowns – well maybe not soybeans but I’ve seen some studies…

I think we should create a holiday just for them. We’ll call it Assclown Day. We’ll put it in April where there are no other really good holidays. We can probably talk MTV into creating some sort of award show. Or maybe Bono will do a bunch of concerts to help the wayward Assclowns. A new reality show will likely crop up probably curtesy of Simon Cowell and we’ll call it American Assclowns. If it’s really successful there will be an Aussie Assclown and or Assclown U.K. Mattel will create an Assclown doll which people will kill one another for during the Christmas rush. It could be really great!

So, you have any assclowns in your life? I have a few extra if you’re short.


15 thoughts on “Assclown

  1. I like the term ‘assclowns’ – it sort of puts them all in a big pot that we can stir. I’m afraid its looking like there are more assclowns around today in media, and government, and everywhere, than the sensible variety.
    The world, WC, is going mad. And I think the main reason isn’t the assclowns, but the others, who have somehow been lulled into apathy.

    I love the idea of putting them all in a pot and making a big batch of Assclown Soup. Tasty stuff. πŸ˜‰

    Well, I’m thinking though that the apathetic among us are merely a step or two from becoming assclowns, so in my world it is still the assclowns. πŸ˜‰


  2. I live in DC. Of course I know assclowns.

    Hey Jess,
    I’d venture to say that you couldn’t swing a dead cat without hitting an assclown in your neighborhood. πŸ˜‰


  3. Sweeping statements and meant to be funny but – the seriousness of it is scary when you view it that way.

    Bono can’t help though – and on that note, gotta say I don’t know what or if there are solutions. Been thinking on it a bit lately and just don’t know.

    Peace. Love.

    ~ RS ~

    Hey Roobs,
    No solutions required, assclowns almost always do themselves in – eventually. Sorry I couldn’t get a giggle out of you on this one – I’ll have to try harder next time. πŸ˜‰


  4. Hi WC,

    I nominate my neighbor. The one across the road who lives in the only rental house on our street. The one who lets his small children ride a mini-bike around their yard all weekend without adult supervision, which I suspect is because of the lack of said people in their household. The one who owns an appliance repair business, and brings his work home with him so that there are always around 40 broken down washers, driers and refrigerators scattered around the lot.

    As to getting rid of them, I figure they’re about due for a natural disaster. You know, the kind involving a good deal of gasoline and a match πŸ˜‰ Actually, no matter how much the rest of the neighborhood would appreciate such an act of god, I figure the termites will bring the roof down sometime next year.

    the Grit

    Hi Grit,
    LMAO – all I can say is thank God we aren’t neighbors, we’d be causing way too much trouble and having way too much fun doing it. πŸ˜‰


  5. I know plenty of assclowns. They’re called inlaws.

    *snort* I knew just knew you’d say that. I got a good ol’ belly laff on that one. πŸ˜‰


  6. ooh, I thought we had an assclown show already. it was called “America’s Got Talent” and one of the judges is the king of assclowns, David Hasselhoff.. we can totally do a spinoff though.

    OMIGOD Reggie,
    You’re so right! That one completely missed my radar. A spinoff is definitely in the offing – they have an American Band coming up. That should be pretty hideous.


  7. We have a young college couple who live next door. And it’s not their youth or their drunken weekends with friends, during which i overhear their deep conversations about Britney Spears’ performance at the VMAs or how hammered their friend Bry was at the pary last weekend. And it’s not so much her as assclowny him. Him! Him! Him! And his excruciatingly stupid, stupid friends.

    First of all, where i live, i am the black people. Me and my husband and my kids are the black people in my town and we moved here from soCal. We lived in nice areas there and terrible places there. What i am saying is that i’ve seen what people call ghetto life first-hand. And it tis not fabulous. It’s horrible and a desperate.

    Anyway, the reason i mention this is because these white frat boys walk around talking about how ghetto they are and how ghetto everything is. They wear their hats a little to the side and blast Jay-Z. Their english is deplorable considering they are college students. They rfer to each other “n***as”. What makes this assclownish, aside from the obvious assiness of behaving in such a manner, is that when all is said and done, they will put on their suits and have their suburban life and look back on all this i have to deal with as a phase.

    i just shake my head at them and daydream about braining them with my cast iron skillet. But there’s worse.

    At night, late at night, they do it. Now everyone does it. They’re a couple and fine and all that BUT- he opens the window and we hear everything. EVERYTHING. Like when he tells her to ‘say his name’ or screams or- hand to God- howls like a freakin’ wolf. i don’t listen. No one has any choice but to hear.

    Thanks for letting me vent. There are many more assclowns around, but he’s the assclown of the day for me.

    Oh Christine,
    I know it isn’t funny – but this made me howl. Because I know them. They’ve been my neighbors too. So shallow that they think they are something. They are cool. They are bad. They are cutting edge. When in reality, they are bullshit little piss ants who need a good dose of Raid or that skillet of yours. Hey, I’d be right behind you with my skillet if I were there.

    Feel free to copy the image on the post and tac it to his door. Though, he’d probably be proud of it.

    Feel free to vent any time. That’s what we’re here for.



  8. Annie,

    Giggles and laughs aren’t necessarily required yanno – you know me though, too serious for my own good mostly but – I wonder if you saw my post …

    Yeah, I know, silly but at times there are some things that just get me laughing bigtime – and it’s often what you’ve written! Part of why I love coming here when I can.

    Always love.

    ~ RS ~

    Hey Roobs,
    That was one funny story. πŸ˜†


  9. I nominate the bozo I work with who makes potloads of money, but has to come to me to solve his math problems. Plus, he’s an asshole assclown and his own employees despise him.

    Hey Karen,
    I know! Every bagillionaire I ever worked for couldn’t put two IQs together. What is up with that? πŸ˜†

    He is so nominated.



  10. Hey, where did you hear that term assclown?
    I really like it and plan on using it.
    We celebrated “HempFest” today in Boston.
    Weirdest question of the day: Hey, are you guys open during the week?
    Whoa, ease up on the herb, dude. This is retail.
    God love the assclowns.
    At least they make life interesting, at the very least . . .

    LOL Mikey, I almost dedicated this post to you. So, are you open during the week? πŸ˜‰


  11. I say long live the cows and the assclowns.
    Let’s rope ’em all up together and feed ’em some steak. MMMMMM Steak.

    Mmmm, me likem steak – long as it isn’t assclown steak. πŸ˜†


  12. I am glad to see that I do not have the market cornered on assclowns! I think HR places signs up on the side of the building “ASSCLOWNS NEEDED PLEASE APPLY WITHIN”

    I think we should honour them as they shine my workload increses but then I need to only work 30 minutes to catch up! Then chill t my pace for the rest of the day!

    Hi North and welcome.
    No, I’m afraid we are all getting our fair share of the assclowns. They are somewhat like chia pets, they just keep growing and growing. Wear a helmut and keep protein bars on hand – it helps. πŸ˜‰


  13. Can we start a “champion Assclown Award”?? I got a pic of an assclown at work who passed out at work..dumb ass woke up before I got to put toothpaste on him! hehehe we did get a sign on him that said ‘I am a Donkey’ …..after I handcuffed him to a chair…

    Hey NWB,
    If you want, just run with the idea. Take pics and if you send them to me, I’ll post them. How’s that?


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