A Boy and His Lawn

What is it about men and lawns? I mean, seriously, what is it? Roomie is absolutely obsessed with his lawn. The garage is jam packed with fertilizers, weed killers, cutters, trimmers, edgers, hedgers, mowers and blowers and even a damn vacuum. Yep, a vacuum, so he can vacuum up the leaves that are demarking his carpet of green.

This man will go out at 7 pm and in the dark, on his hands and knees trim around the sprinkler heads, so the lawn gets its daily drink. He has this complex set of sprinklers all on timers, all going off in sychronized glory in the wee hours of the morning. Good thing, since we are now officially in a ‘drought’ out here and the water police are always about. Wouldn’t want to get a lawn ticket, now would we? I wonder what the fine is on that? Or is it community service – 200 hours in a desalinization plant?

He can also spot a weed or a nasty ol’ mushroom at fifty paces, regardless of the time of day or night. I think he maybe must do some of this by smell because I sure as hell can’t see it.

Last year, he had a little pile of brown gook on the lawn one day. I thought it was cat barf. We have quite a few free roaming felines in the neighborhood and God knows cats love to barf, especially on other people’s lawns. No biggie, right? Wrong. Roomie became obsessed. He took samples. Took it to all the other lawn nazis in the neighborhood for opinions and analzysations. The ultimate consensus was that it was some rare lawn virus and it took him the longest time to find the right antibiotics to kill the damn thing. I think part of the problem was that most doctors won’t prescribe meds for lawns – but I digress.

So, this year, in fact, quite recently – the devil grass came and wreaked havoc with the lawn. Naturally it was the neighbor’s fault because he had had the nerve to seed his lawn, rather than do the right thing and pop a couple grand for high grade sod. Roomie always looked down on neighbor’s lawn and was constantly offering lawn tutelidge to neighbor. The devil grass was the last straw and roomie went over and had a serious heart to heart with neighbor. In the end, neighbor agreed to order the sod like he should have in the first place and he was replacing Roomie’s lawn where the evil grass had choked the primo sod grass.

This morning at 6 am, Roomie was out there watering the tender new sod grass and speaking to it softly. Coaxing it to take root and not to feel embarassed that it wasn’t as experienced as the rest of the sod lawn that got put down two years ago. I believe he made introductions all around and the new sod grass felt welcomed.

Now, I’m all for a nice lawn. In fact, I’d say that Roomie has the nicest lawn on the block – but the thing that boggles my mind is that this is the same person who doesn’t see two weeks worth of crumbs on the coffee table, cleans his bathroom three times a year whether it needs it or not and wouldn’t know what to do with coffee dribble on the counter, or grease on the stove if his life depended on it.

How can a man be so attuned to a lawn and so clueless about his own home. The place where he eats and sleeps? I swear, the livingroom could be piled to the ceiling with old to go containers, strewn with two weeks of dirty laundry and fur balls the size of basketballs and he’d never notice – but if a leaf falls on his newly mowed lawn, it will wake him from a dead sleep.

So, I ask you, what is it with men and their lawns?


9 thoughts on “A Boy and His Lawn

  1. I used to worry about the lawn until the drought made water prices so high that no one can afford to water the lawn. Now my dream is to concrete the whole thing over and paint it green. That way I could just go out and hose it down once a week and have a beautiful green lawn all year long.

    Now that might work. πŸ˜‰
    Do you know that Roomie spray painted his lawn, so the insurance inspector would give him a better deal? Jeez.


  2. Well it’s obvious….lawns are a man’s way to nurture something living, yes? If you cannot grow a baby in your body then grow grass outside your front stoop.

    That’s the best explanation I’ve heard so far. Thanks. πŸ™‚


  3. I have two rules:

    (1) Never have the worst lawn on the block.

    (2) Never have the best lawn on the block.

    So far, I’m doing fine.

    Ah, all things in moderation, eh? Good thinking. πŸ˜‰


  4. We dont water our lawn. But the Mister is quite dilegent about keeping it cut. He first gets out the tractor, then the riding mower for what the tractor didn’t get. Then the push mower for around the lake, and finally the weed-eater for around the lake/tree line/house/trees/vehicles/dogs.

    Oh my God, Red –
    He must be related to Roomie. πŸ˜‰


  5. Here’s why I think he’s lawn-lovin’. How many people see the inside of your home? How many people see the outside of your home? Which is the bigger number?

    Yeah, it’s all about keeping up appearances- if you have a nice lawn, people will just assume that you have a clean house. As long as they can’t see it, it’s ok.

    Okay, so what you’re saying is that it is not a nurture thing – it’s an image thing? You’re probably right.


  6. LMAO….for some reason, I found this post absolutely hilarious. Men do seem to have a knack for lawns somehow. This is odd. Must be something in the testosterone that draws them to grass n stuff.

    Hey Catchy,
    Yeah if you think the post is hilarious I should shoot some video of him working the lawn – you’d probably fall on the floor laughing. No lie.


  7. I’m with CGHill.
    I luck out though. No one can even see my lawn because my backyard is private.
    I have thought about mowing it wearing nothing but a fig leaf with a cigar in my mouth.
    Think that pic would make it into the Cigar Aficionado magazine?

    Oh yeah, that pic would make some magazine – though I’m not sure it would be cigar aficionado… πŸ™„


  8. Hi WC,

    This trait is not universal, since my idea of the perfect lawn is concrete covered in astro-turf. This also, or so I suspect, comes from the fact that we have 4-6 days a year where it’s nice to be outside. Since I could care less about what the neighbors or passing strangers think, I would, if not for my wife, just plant the front unused expanse of land with kudzu. This would save a good deal of money on grass maintenance, and provide me with an excellent reason to buy a flame thrower, which could serve the extra purpose of defense against criminals and rampaging mobs. Burn baby, burn!

    the Grit

    Hey Grit,
    Well Roomie did paint his lawn before he got the sod put in. Perhaps the concrete with astroturf idea just never dawned on him. He probably would have seen the benefits right away, no trimming or mowing and it photographs nicely too. I’ll mention the idea in case he buys a second home. We don’t get kudzu up here, but I suspect the devil grass is close enough. πŸ˜‰


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