Well, a new year is upon us and it promises to be exciting, stupid, hilarious and interesting. But what will happen? What will be in and what will be out? Who will make headlines? What new trends will we be thrilled about?
Below, my predictions:
1. Hillary Clinton will win the democrat nomination, not because of popularity but because she will be the last man standing due to sudden accidents, deaths and inexplicable withdrawals on the part of the other candidates.
2. MacIntosh will collaborate with Sharper Image and come up with a new, innovative product known as the iShower, which will enable internet addicted nerds to shower using genetically engineered ions, while never having to leave their computers.
3. TickleMeBritney will be the hot, new, sought-after toy for Christmas.
4. Scientists will discover that Global Warming is caused by Algore and circulate a petition to Congress, asking that his jaw be permanently wired shut.
5. Oprah will air a new talk show called, Pick Your Candidate, which will air on public television between the hours of 1a.m. & 2 a.m. Her first contestant will be George Clooney.
6. The Huckabee diet will sweep the nation and come with its own kit including a Bible and a can of bullshit.
7. American Idol will have its first non-human contestant, likely a chimp, who will endear itself to the American public by flipping off Cowell every time Seacrest announces it is safe.
8. Scientists will come up with an alternative fuel made entirely of soy beans – due to the lower cholesteral, cars using this fuel will appear to be slimmer.
9. Osama bin Laden will be found and captured and it will be revealed that he is the first lifelike droid made by Mattel and mass produced in China.
10. Katie Couric will be replaced by Keith Olberman as the anchor for CBS Nightly News to ensure that the ratings stay in the crapper.
11. Sandy Berger’s pants will be auctioned off on Ebay and get the highest price of any single, article of clothing ever auctioned on that site.
12. The Hollywood Writer’s Strike will last throughout the year and consequently produce a spate of reality shows, featuring out of work writers.
13. Michael Bloomberg will decide to run for President once the elections are over.
14. There will be an uptick in ‘tweens’ clinical depression due Harry Potter withdrawal, which will become a new mental disease cited by the American Psychiatric Association.
15. Again, due to the never-ending writer’s strike, Hollywood movie fare will be sparse and the biggest money maker of the year will be Barny: The Story Behind the Purple.
16. The Academy Awards, The Golden Globes & The Grammmies will all be ad libbed by its presenters, consequently, every other word will be bleeped during the broadcasts.
17. The ACLU will spearhead a lawsuit demanding that all Bibles be removed from hotel rooms and be replaced with People’s Magazine.
Well, that’s a good list to start with, I’m sure there will be more. Feel free to add any of your predictions to the list – then we’ll meet here, same time next year to compare notes. 😉 WC