Favorite Paranoid Thoughts

Hey, just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean somebody isn’t out to get you, right? Here are a few of my favorite paranoid thoughts:

1. Why is he/she/it looking at me like that?

2. Does this dress makes my ass look fat?

3. Are they talking about me?

4. Why is that cop following so closely behind me?

5. How come they got a bigger scoop of ice cream than I did?

6. Why did they get their dinner first? We ordered before them.

7. Am I talking too loudly? Too much? Not enough?

8. Why do they hate this post?

9. God is punishing me which is why I am poor, fat, have pimples, can’t sing well enough to audition for American Idol or something else.

10. I just know my boss is going to fire me, my boyfriend is going to split up with me, my friends don’t like me anymore.

11. They didn’t hire me because I’m too old, too fat, too white, a woman, an atheist or something else.

12. My dog likes roomie better than me.

13. I just know that clicking on my phone is the FBI using their damned Patriot Act.

14. The credit card company just knows I’m using that cash advance to pay my rent and they’re going to lower my limit.

15. Why do these things always happen to me?

Feel free to add to the list.

WC

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21 thoughts on “Favorite Paranoid Thoughts

  1. i am a very suspicious person, extremely paranoid.
    The paranoid thought i think most:

    ‘Did i act/say something/look stupid?’

    LOL – you make me laugh. I know that place too and it is not a fun place. πŸ˜‰
    Annie

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  2. LOL – I really do experience Number 6 – it shouldn’t bother me but I always think people should be sesrved in the order that they came in.

    Oh, this is shameless of me but I’d add my suspicious meme – My number 10 addresses your Number 13. http://vtroom.wordpress.com/2007/12/04/suspicious-meme/

    LOL, I remember that one. I love the secret language – hopefully, you’ll send us all cheat sheets so we can understand you, s hould you ever calll. πŸ˜†
    A

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  3. One day I’ll come to work and the boss is going to call me into her office and fire me because of my blog 😦

    Oh Bella…we live in fear of the bosses discovering our blogs, don’t we? Not just that we might be posting to them while we’re supposed to be working but also what me might be divulging about our business places on the dang things.

    Since I’m my own boss now, I don’t worry about that quite as much. πŸ˜‰
    A

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  4. Delete ‘paranoia’, insert ‘pessimism’.
    I really love the term ‘everything is under control’. It can be taken in a very positive way, or it’s the ultimate feeling of paranoia.

    Spoken like a true brit, Tony. That is a good catchall phrase – I love the ones that can mean pretty much whatever you want them to mean.
    A

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  5. I agree with #4 & #15. I never used to be paranoid but for some reason I have these feelings that my ex is going to exact revenge on me in some way, shape or form. If my computer is acting up I think he’s somehow magically sent a virus to it. If I get offensive, anonymous comments on my blog I assume it’s him in disguise. Yep…I guess I am truly paranoid now – or maybe just whacky!

    Oh 2LD, I can so relate – but my thoughts usually centered around an ex boss or former co-worker or something. They’re badmouthing me, giving me a bad ref, whatever. Sometimes shit just happens, you know? πŸ˜‰
    WC

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  6. Why is that cop following so closely behind me?

    Mine is more like — why is that lady following that cop so closely and flashing her lights? To get her HUSBAND’S ATTENTION!!!! I swear (often) that man never looks in his rear view mirrors.

    Well since you’re married to the police maybe you could ask them to back off the rest of us? πŸ˜‰
    A

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  7. #4 gets most people. Even when driving the speed limit, I sometimes have a tendency to slow down when I see a highway patrolman.

    After my last post, I might need to be a little paranoid about the AFA trying to shut me down.

    Nah, they won’t shut you down, they probably secretly wait with anticipation for your every post. πŸ˜†
    A

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  8. My webcam turns on automatically when the computer is on. Is anyone watching me through the lens of the webcam?

    Oooh, now that is a creepy thought. Maybe you should only turn it on when you want to be seen?
    WC

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  9. ROFL yeah I’ll get right on that. πŸ˜€

    Please do and report back to us immediately – so we know when it’s safe to go back out onto the street again. πŸ˜†
    A

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  10. Hi WC,

    You don’t know paranoid. I’ll tell you paranoid.

    I look through the roll in the middle of the toilet paper before I stick my finger in there.

    I look under the hood of my truck for explosives before I start the engine.

    The same goes for my tractor.

    I figure that the only rational explanation for Kroger being out of my favorite items is that they track my purchases and are testing my mental stability as part of a Government research program.

    I check under the lid before I sit down.

    Even though They tell me that we don’t have scorpions in this area, I still shake out my shoes before I put them on.

    The first thing I look for when I enter a building are the exit signs.

    I stand to the side when I open a door, including the one on the refrigerator.

    I have a lock on my medicine cabinet.

    My requested Christmas present every year is to have my finger prints altered.

    My cell phone is registered under an assumed name, and I never turn it on while at home.

    I check visitors with a metal detector before letting them in.

    I have detailed written plans on where I will go to evade pursuit, but they’re just fakes to throw Them off. I’ve memorized the real plan.

    I paid to have a background check done on my doctor before I went for my first appointment.

    I hired a private detective to follow my wife, and another one to follow him.

    I keep the key to my safety deposit box in another safety deposit box.

    I’ve made close family members learn a password and secret handshake.

    I still think daylight savings time is some sort of plot.

    The same goes for fluoridation.

    I learned to read my electric meter because, really, who would trust the local utility company?

    I am totally convinced that the combination of tobacco smoke and alcohol is an antidote to the mind control drugs the Government puts in our food.

    There’s more, but I don’t like to stay on line too long at any one time, as that helps Them track us.

    the Grit

    Wow Grit,
    That was quite the list – I think you should post it on your site with some of your funny photoshops – makes for some good reason. I loved the one about checking the toilet before you sit down on it.
    πŸ˜†
    WC

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  11. Hi WC,

    Actually, the toilet seat inspection is quite practical around here. We have far too many creepy-crawlies that sting and bite for me to dangle my naughty bits around carelessly! Our house is old and doesn’t provide complete protection from insect invasion. Since we moved in, I’ve been stung by wasps three times inside our house, on the butt, the foot and the hand. That hurt bad enough, and I don’t intend to experience the order of magnitude escalation of pain that having Mr. Happy and/or related parts injected with venom would entail.

    the Grit

    Oh Grit, that was just way too much information. πŸ˜†
    WC

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  12. How about this variation on the “my boss is going to fire me” theme:

    My boss’s door is closed, and his boss is in there with him. They’re plotting to fire me, or they’re at least talking about me.

    Then there’s:

    My friends haven’t called me in three months. I’ll bet secretly they hate me.

    Hey Stranger!
    Those are a couple of good ones. πŸ˜‰
    WC

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  13. 8. Why do they hate this post?
    You will never know the answer to that one.
    It’s one of the mysteries of the universe.
    Like, who pulls up the next Kleenex? πŸ˜‰
    ~m

    Ah yes, the mysteries of the Universe – must be what keeps me blogging – still hoping to find out the secret. πŸ˜†
    Annie

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  14. Is there something in my nose?

    Is there something between my teeth?

    Did I pull my skirt down after I used the restroom, or is the hem in back tucked into my panties?

    Did an angry chef urinate in my salad dressing?

    Oh, and everyone I’ve ever known has discovered my blog, and are discussing it behind my back.

    Jeez Louise, Queenie
    What kind of funky restaurants having you been dining in? Yikes! πŸ˜‰
    Annie

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  15. Hi Annie.

    To paraniod to write ought. Chuckling.

    Having been chemically dependant to certain substances in my life as you know I have experienced drug induced paranoia- Urgh!! Not nice.

    Just one by the by here….. hehe!!

    ‘Does he know’s I faked that orgasm’

    Why does no-one love me

    To old to find a boyfriend.

    Do my friends really like me

    Why is he/she looking at me funny.

    My face is falling off.

    The’re laughing at me.

    They want me sectioned.

    Am I really mad.

    Just a few little things that get me to that mad world of Paranoia

    Does Annie really like me.

    Smiling and loving
    Diane πŸ™‚ XX

    Hey Di,
    The orgasm and the falling face had me falling out of my chair laughing. I can so relate. I just love you, you little elfin, faery queen. Thanks for brightening my day.

    xoxoxoxoxoxx
    Annie

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  16. Just got to come back to this Annie. Your post and my one line about drug induced paranoia got me to thinking about some paranoid actions. Wanna hear em! Is it okey to say.It’s sometimes hard to gage what to say when drugs come into my thought processes around friends posts.

    I’m going to trust it’s okey to say.Smiling.

    Magic Mushrooms. They grow all over England.There free and kid’s love em, I’m not to sure if the sheep do. Very similiar to strong acid. The story is in a nut shell, I took them, I developed a lump on my back, a very big lump, couldn’t get out of the toilet cubical, big three hour rescue mission to save me and reassure me that I wasn’t Miss Hunchback of Notra Diane. Thanks Annie,it’s funny what people’s post’s bring out in you isin’t.

    ARGH!!!

    Wanna hear another just quickly.

    Itense Paranoia OMG! Never expereinced anything like it in my whole life. In a nut shell. I thought I was getting followed by the police, it got to much for me, that much that I took myself to the polise station and handed me and my drugs into the polise.Bad move. I got a criminal record for that little stunt.

    OMG Annie! Memoreis of paranoid actions ( not thought’s ) are flooding in. Coming at me fast. OH! I hope you don’t mind me saying. Bit of a leap of faith here eh! aww! I got me faery wings on me soul. So Smiling.

    Yes! I thought that Annie loved me. Smiling.

    ((((((((Annie))))))))

    It’s fine, honey – you can whatever you want off your chest. No worries.
    Hugs,
    Annie

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  17. Uh, that thing about looking in the toilet? I was a kid living in an old house when I found myself staring down a rat that had come up through the sewer! (Hmm, maybe that explains my preference for newer housing?)

    The webcam thing? I knew there was a reason why I never wanted one.

    How could the cops be following you guys when they’re all following me?

    One of my biggest fears… all those guys out there in the dark who are waiting to see my fat, wrinkled 65-yr-old bod if I don’t close the blinds. Just because I never see them doesn’t mean they aren’t out there.

    A rat in the toilet, eh? Well, apparently rats can be found anywhere there. πŸ˜‰

    I hear you on the biggest fear though – yeah, they are out there just waiting to get a glimpse of our heinies, make no mistake. And definitely keep those blinds closed, you wouldn’t want to tease the poor things. πŸ˜‰
    Annie

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