Does Suck: Take every single thing anyone says to you personally. This promises to make you feel as bad about yourself as humanly possible. Hell, you can even take the newscast personally if you want to give yourself a triple bonus.
Doesn’t Suck: Never take anything personally, even if it is meant that way. Know from the bottom of your heart and in every fiber of your soul that you are the best and everyone thinks so.
Does Suck: Read only bad news about people, the world, politics, global affairs, the internet. Oh, and don’t forget to check the obits and crime stats on a daily basis, cuz there is some great depressing stuff in there.
Doesn’t Suck: Never read anything but t.v. Guide and fashion magazines. They are filled with beautiful photos of beautiful people and by ozmosis, you too can be one of them.
Does Suck: Always believe that what other people have is so much better than what you have. Coveting what others have is a surefire way to see nothing but shades of grey in your own life. The grass is always greener on the other side and apparently there is a special turf builder afforded to only a special few.
Doesn’t Suck: Realize that everyone has crabgrass in their lawn, despite the amount of care and chemicals given to said lawns. Stick to your own lawn, at least you know where the weeds and the sink holes are.
Does Suck: When you look in the mirror, focus on every physical flaw you can find, while simultaneously scanning fashion magazines (for men, GQ is your sure bet) because there is no way you could possibly compete with anoerexic, air-brushed, photo-shopped super models even if you had a beauty makeover team working on you 24/7.
Doesn’t Suck: When you look in the mirror, imagine yourself as the young beauty or handsome stud of your highschool or college days. Dress according to that lovely image and do so with attitude, eventually, people will start to see what you see.
Does Suck: Never voice an opinion that could possibly be construed as offensive in any way. If you do, you are doomed if you long for a career in politics, public relations or morning talk show host status. Stick with the blandest statements possible and never say what you really think.
Doesn’t Suck: Tell anyone who will listen what you really think about everything. Take no prisoners and make sure no one is uninformed on your latest theories and conclusions. Feel free to be graphic and painfully candid. It won’t win you any popularity contests but you will sleep like a baby and never suffer from road rage, depression or crankiness.
Does Suck: Never buy yourself anything new – stick to thrift shops and hand me downs. Convince yourself that you can’t afford even the smallest luxury because money is dear and the price of gas is going to drive you to homelessness.
Doesn’t Suck: Buy as much cool stuff as you can possibly charge on your charge cards. That is what they are there after all, right? If you run out of chargeable credit on your cards, ask your lover, mother, sister or cousin to buy you stuff. You’d be surprised how often they’ll say yes.
Does Suck: Believe everything written in newspapers or uttered on newscasts. Be as afraid of these outlets hope to make you. Believe that the world is coming to an end and you definitely will not be one of those who will survive the collapse of the civilized world. Or if you do, that you will end up as some sort of mutant that makes the folks on I Am Legend, look like little bo peep.
Doesn’t Suck: Only use newspapers for paper machete projects or wrapping garbage. Believe the world will go on forever and you are one of its stars. It may come to an end but why create worry lines and crow’s feet just in case that happens? If it does come to an end, you will be in a happy party mood and will enjoy it more.
Does Suck: Be depressed by anyone else’s success – especially if it is in any way related to your own goals, dreams or desires. After all, there are only so many lucky breaks to go along and they are runnning out daily.
Doesn’t Suck: Praise everyone’s success, for their success could be your success, especially if they need a personal assistant who gets to do cool things. If it’s someone you know, be all the gladder – because – hey if they can do it, well heck you can do it too. No problem.
Does Suck: Worry about everything that may happen to you, your family, and the world. Carry a rosary with you at all times, so that God will know you are praying for the madness to end – you might as well hedge your bets in case it comes down to choosing you or some other schlub getting into the pearly gates.
Doesn’t Suck: Never worry about anything, just assume God or the Universe will take care of it or possibly your room mate. Worry is bad for the smooth skin of the face and makes you grumpy – but beyond that does absolutely nothing. Besides, the less worried you are the more likely some hot guy or babe is going to want to date you.
Does Suck: And finally, never see anything good in anything you do. Constantly long to know the secrets of what other people do but at the same time know you are not worthy to know these secrets much less carry them off, should the slight chance of your discovering them ever happen..
Doesn’t Suck: See good in everything you do, even if it’s just picking your nose, because after all, your nose appreciates it, doesn’t it?
So, there you have it, a complete guide to make your life suck or not suck wet mops. Which one do you like?
20 thoughts on “Ten Ways To Ensure Your Life Does or Doesn’t Suck Wet Mops”
absolutely.. very meaningful.. 😉
Meaningful????? 😯 Now that’s the last reaction I expected.
LOL Ummmm let me think on it…..
OKay, then get back to me on it, yes?
I’m not sure what it means to “suck wet mops,” but something tells me that you do not mean it as a sly euphemism, cunning linguist though you are…
I don’t know about cunning, QM, but if you just take wet mops off the title that should give you the gist. 😉
I’m wondering. When did you see me looking in the mirror?
Apparently, your shining essence transcends cyberschpace. 😉
BTW, EXCELLENT Post.
I had a sense that you would be able to relate to this one. 🙂
first – I forgot to mention I like your new spring look over here. Second, this post is awesome, and I love the wet mop photo you used to accompany it! 🙂 Hope you don’t mind a little stumble.
Thanks for noticing, Ms. self-hoster you. Feel free to stumble any ol’ thing you want – me have no problem with it at all. 😉
“Carry a rosary with you at all times” omg, too funny! I say, DOESN’T SUCK wet mops- ignorance is bliss 😉
I was gone for 10 days and you went on a writing spree! I’ve got some catch’n up to do lady, and btw- your page is very summery and beautiful! Love this post.
Hey Bella – yep, I’ve been on a little roll. Feel free to read anything you like. I like the new look too. Time to get out of the shadows and play in the hay – yes?
I think you’ve got the two extremes there. In many of them, the answer is more in the middle.
As usual, you are the voice of reason. I, on the other hand, have no such requirement in my life. I even prefer to be unreasonable and possibly just disagreeable for the heck of it. Can’t help it, it’s just the way I roll. 🙂
I have to confess to believing the world is coming to an end because according to NPR and my local newspaper, I do believe it is. I also read the obits greedily every day, to see who died that was close to my age or DH’s age. Terrible! DH calls me a “ghoul” because of that and because I am interested in Victorian death photography and graveyards. Maybe I am a ghoul. bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Well, a nicer ghoul, I’ve never met, if t hat’s the case. 😉
I guess the double entendre in my last comment needs to go suck wet mops, since it was apparently far, far too dry…
Hmm….maybe my ‘dry’ meter is off?
6 and 7- but i have to say, i love shopping at the thriftstore. i like things that are groovy.
And i hate watching the news, although the news of southern OR is so very, very tame.
Hey Chica Chica,
Well, shopping in thrift stores for treasures is most definitely allowed and encouraged. I can imagine the farm reports in your neck of the woods wouldn’t rile anyone up. 😉
“…imagine yourself as the young beauty or handsome stud of your highschool or college days. Dress according to that lovely image and do so with attitude, eventually, people will start to see what you see.”
I’m just trying to picture myself strutting around in a short, short mini skirt, fishnet stockings and knee-high black leather boots (yep-favorite get-up back in the college days). Ummm, I’m not sure the other parents at the school drop off loop would see what I see.
OH, they’re just jealous that you such a hot babe, 2LD. 😉
questionableme, I “got it” and actually had thought the same thing of this title!
WC, I’m confused about #5 since it seems very much in conflict with your earlier advice on what not to blog about. What’s up?
Hey Windy. Wow, you take my advice? Who knew? I don’t really see the conflict though. 🙂
I don’t suck .. but I do, oh I do. Im torn 🙂
In all seriousness, mah-velous post, Annie. I like the term “wet mop”. Nevah heard it, but I like it.
Oh you don’t suck, Red. You’re an original. 🙂 Funny about the wet mops thing, I thought it was one of those common phrases everyone has head of – but apparently not. I like it because it really brings the image home. 🙂
That would be a excellent chapter in the book of life that no one seemed to get.
Oooh Jez, we should co-write that book. The Book That No One Seemed to Get. Yeah, I like that. Meet at the Starbuck’s on the corner and will get started. 🙂
Hey Annie, sometimes I suck, sometimes I don’t, sometimes I am just a Sucker!
Loved this post as always.
Oh Ange, you’re a scream.
I am in Dunkin Donut territory!:(
Eh? Me no understand. 😦
We have no Starbucks here. Dunkin Donuts is where ya gotta go for coffee and there is plenty of them. A dozen within a mile radius of my home!
Ah, Dunkin’s! I remember them well, having grown up in the midwest, you couldn’t swing a dead cat without hitting at least ten of them. There was something so wickedly cool about ditching church and meeting up with my cuz for coffee and donuts, at Dunkin’s when I was a kid. Eating sweet confections while snickering at our deciet. We were bad little ones. Hehe.
Chica, you know me so well!
i am proud of your efforts and you will feel great once you’re done. 🙂
Jez, i just love Dunkin Donuts coffee.
We don’t have shops nearby. 😦
i do buy a bag of DD grounds at my local Walmart when it’s on sale.
Have you noticed how high coffee is? Even Foldgers’ vomitrocious Breakfast Blend is eleven bucks here in Talent. Very suck.
Eleven bucks? Where in the heck do you buy your coffee? Come back to California, you can get it cheaper here. 😉
i’m a moron.
i thought i was commenting on the spring clean post.
Oh who cares. So you wandered into the wrong room, no worries – say whatever you like, wherever you like.