Driven (to distractions?)

I’ve never thought of myself as driven. Truth be told I’ve always thought that I was somewhat lazy. If you ask my mother, I had an answer for everything. I thought that came from having a sharp mind or being like my dad or possibly both.

I do have a high IQ and spent many years of my life trying to hide that fact. You know, wanting to be just one of the gang, not wanting to stand out? God forbid that any of my friends should know I had a brain and that I knew how to use it. So, in my formative years, my time and energy was devoted to consealing my terrible secret.

Quite possibly, that is why the path of my life seems to the casual eye, so driftless and aimless. I am a slacker by all standards harsh and otherwise. I go off in all directions, like a gun on crack – never knowing what target I’ll be aiming at next. Or so I thought. Actually, now I’m thinking not so much.

Since I’ve made the ill-advised foray into self employment or as we like to call it out here in unemployment land, freelancing – I’ve come to find that there is a certain trajectory I have plotted for myself. In fact, I’m a writer. And truthfully, have always been. Even when I couldn’t read or write I was writing stories in my head. I was making up shit with wild abandon. In my imagination I have been married to William Tell, Eric Clapton, all of the Monkeys, Robert Dinero and Rudy Richards. Of course, none of them were aware of this and probably that’s for the best. But I digress….

The point here is that I am driven. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that I could spend 18 hours at a computer keyboard without even noticing the time going by. That I could spend those hours looking for ‘markets’ and ‘jobs’ and ‘gigs’ and buffing up resumes and looking for ‘clients’ and such. I never thought I would find it more important than eating or socializing or watching television. I never thought I would ever be driven toward anything. Or amount to anything. Of course, the numbers aren’t in on that one yet – so it’s always a possibility – still, my drive seems to say no.

And even though there are many times, sometimes in the course of a single hour, where I think it’s time to pack it in and give up. To go and get a ‘job’ and join the rest of the human race in normal life, something happens. Unexpected money, an offer of work, something…and my drive gets reinforced even more.

It’s a curious thing to realize that I’m not really that laid back, easy going slacker chick that I’ve fancied myself to be all these years. That I have big ambitions and a never ending drive, but realize it I have.

I’ve no idea where it will lead but I must say I will be fascinated to see how it all turns out.

How about you? What are you driving or what’s driving you?

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17 thoughts on “Driven (to distractions?)

  1. The best part is that you have found something to be driven for and about. I always felt like I was drifting from one job to another and never really enjoyed any of them but they paid the bills, which was the most important part, right????

    Then 9 years ago we started our business and decided that it would be sensible for me to do all the Admin/accounts stuff. 9 years down the track and I am now at Uni for the first time in my life, studying accounting (yeah I know, groaaaaan) and absolutely loving it.

    Like you, I never imagined that there would be something that I could do for hours each day and honestly enjoy, but there is and I found it.

    It gives you a great sense of satisfaction doesn’t it, just knowing that there is finally something that you love doing. I hope that feeling stays with you for a long time. I love reading what you write here πŸ™‚

    Hey Gem!
    Oh man, your first para really had me nodding – me too!

    Actually, I don’t think accounting is anything to groan about at all. I do books too, not the heavy stuff but I do know my way around QB. It takes a very sharp and organized mind to handle accounting and good accounting is an art indeed. Besides, it doesn’t matter what it is that makes your heart sing, does it? Good for you for going to uni to develop your skills even further.

    Yes, it really does give you satisfaction to find the ‘thing’ that you love.

    I’m so glad you enjoy reading here – makes my writer ego smile quite a bit.

    Annie

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  2. You remind me of my sister. She is a writer. She used to copy edit and write for our local newspaper and quit to start writing a book. She has yet to be published but she spends every day at her computer working on her writing. She has an agent and has come soooo close to being published but it still eludes her. She almost gave up but couldn’t. She just physically and emotionally couldn’t give up writing.

    So this post hits close to home. I myself do spend 18 hours a day at the computer. I have gone from retired couch potato to computer addict. I never wrote a line before I started blogging. Now the words pour out. I’ll never earn any money from it but I sure do have fun.

    Hey Joanie,
    LOL – we seem to have so many kindred points, don’t we? And as to your earning money writing…stranger things have happened. I can easily see you and your cane on Oprah someday. πŸ˜‰
    Annie

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  3. It’s amazing, isn’t it, what we can pull out of ourselves when we tap into a passion?

    I think you should keep going. Keep writing, keep searching, and keep hoping. You seem happy.

    Yes, it really is, J. As to keeping going, it seems I’ve no other choice – though I have to admit, I don’t mind it. πŸ™‚
    Annie

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  4. Right now insanity and stress is driving me (I will post about it soon). But in general nothing has really driven me. I quit everything I start. I have no special talents. Nothing that helps define who I am (other than being a mommy). I have always admired people who have something that drives them. Keep writing Annie!

    I hear that, Jez! But you know, you’re such a smart, witty, bright lady that I’m sure you have special talents hidden in there somewhere. And being a great mommy is nothing to shake a stick at either. I’ve had step kids and parents must have the patience of a saint to keep from doing anything rash – I’d say that’s quite a talent.
    Annie

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  5. our stories are somewhat similar i am afraid though i still take great pride in my slacker abilities when it comes to working for the man, man.

    in my artistic endeavours, however, my drive is stronger when i am able to let go of my fears of inadequacy .. starting the photographer business has been all consuming and my writing has fallen by the wayside these days but am hoping that will change … i have time … and the job, well it pays for it all really but hopefully that too will change πŸ™‚

    you are amazing annie ~ i am glad you found your drive, i think it is easier when we are doing what we truly love … you are a fabulous writer and clearly you love it, how perfect is that? πŸ™‚

    Oh D, you’re so cute. The man, man. Awwwww!!! πŸ˜†

    Your photos rawk, my dear – so I can’t even imagine why you aren’t making money hand over fist. (btw, I sent you an email that might be of interest).

    Thanks – hon – it is great to do what you love. Even though it drives you crazy. πŸ˜‰
    Annie

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  6. I loved this little driven story.

    I drive people round the bend I know that. Hehe!! I’m a driven woman.

    My drive is passion. My passion is for the respect and care of all people who are willing to address the hell of their addiction’s.Myself being an addict I’m well aware of the powerful drive I have.

    I’ll fight the world on my own if I have to. I’m a woman that knows what she wants. I don’t want much, just love,care and respect for myself and others.

    Thats all, and fuck me.. you better believe I’ll fight for it. Oupps !! sorry for swearing.

    A Driven Di. XX

    Sometimes there’s such an urgency with my drive. It can get a tad uncomftable at times.

    No worries, darling – tis one of the many things I love about you. I believe you would kick some serious butt too, if you needed to do so. πŸ˜‰
    Annie

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  7. We’re actually a lot alike, Writer Chick. Only I spent most of my life wishing that I had an incredibly high I.Q.–But every time I took one of those damn tests, I came back painfully average!

    Blech!

    (I have the mathematics and logic skills of a three year old) πŸ™‚

    I recently quit my teaching job to stay at home with the kids–and am dabbling in Freelance Writing.

    I have a steady, paying gig that I can’t complain about but I’m still not doing the writing that I love–

    Hopefully one day, I will–(and get paid for it)–

    If not–I’m like you–the journey sure is fun!

    HW,
    I have no doubts we’re a lot alike – you sure do make me laugh. ;)And listen, girl, having a steady freelance gig is nothing to sneeze at. I wish I could say the same – you’re ahead of the game, believe me. And yeah, the journey is a barrel of monkeys to be sure. πŸ˜‰
    WC

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  8. Great post, Annie. Wow, it got me thinking. I have many passions and have explored most of them through various employment scenarios in the past years – everything from archivist to restaurateur. Maybe it’s because I’m so fickle. If I had to put my finger on one thing that truly drives me it would be the need to create.

    So, now I’ve settled, yet again, into the self-employed field …painting…crafting…creating.

    Hey 2LD,
    You know, I think that happens with a lot of creative people – they have their hands into everything. Because they have so much creative energy they can multitask like crazy – but the thing is if we don’t get that creative juice back then yeah, we get bored. It doesn’t fulfill us. I can’t tell you how many jobs I’ve had in my life. How many businesses I have made boatloads of money for – yet the gratification factor was pretty low – cuz I wasn’t in the end getting all that much out of it. Now, I’m mostly broke and usually scrambling for work but I’m happy. Go figure.

    Annie

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  9. You know…

    I’ve been thinking about this for a few hours now. What drives me. Like I drive myself round the bend, I drive myself to despair and I drive myself insane most days.

    You know.

    I think what drives me most at the moment is to share love in what ever way I do. Money and jobs and all practical stuff don’t do it for me. I’m as thick as pig shit and very lazy where paid 9 to 5 work is concerned. I love this post.

    But like you dear Annie I can sit here and write for hours. I wish I could write tho. I just ramble.

    I wonder if I could write a book. Have I ever told you my title if I ever do.

    ‘ Desperatly seeking delusion and Madonna ‘

    A delusional driven Di X

    Di,
    I don’t doubt for a moment that you could write a book. In fact, if you want my advice start writing children’s books. You have such a grasp of faeries and all things magical that I think you would really excel in such an endeavor. You have so much love to give, that’s obvious – I’d love to see you write some of that down in some stories.

    Annie xo

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  10. Wow! You should meet my brother. He ‘took the plunge’ too. Sold everything, and I do mean absolutely everything, and moved to France (a childhood dream of his) to write a book. Which he did, and is now editing at the advice of an interested agent. WhY? Because after years of shooting off on wild tangents he finally acknowledged that He Is A Writer.

    Me? Not willing to go the route of my brother, but I have finally found my passion as well, which is….drum roll please…writing. I am absolutely driven to write, and like you have been writing forever. Only my subject was Elton John..okay, yes I know, but he was bi- at the time of my infactuation. Anyway, I could research, and read, and write all day long.

    Hiding your intelligence as a child? Sad, eh? Me too. Only I wasn’t very good at it, and wasn’t really accepted by any group. It so was not cool to be intelligent..and it sure didn’t get me any boys. ARGH! Thanks for bringing that all flooding back to me. *smile*

    Oh, and to answer your question, I am driving a Volvo C30. It’s sexy!

    Hey Panther,
    I’d love to meet your brother…is he single? πŸ˜‰ And really Im filled with admiration for anyone who would take such risk for what’s nearest and dearest to them.

    I’m not really surprised that your passion is writing too – hate to burst your bubble, darlin’ but it’s pretty obvious. πŸ˜† No, I wasn’t so great at hiding my giant brain either and nope I wasn’t popular either. Argh!!!!!

    Mmmm Volvo, nice – I’ve got an Avalon Toyota. It’s pretty and has a moon roof.

    Annie

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  11. OH ! I’m so sorry for coming and going on this post. I am actualy driven at the moment to find a lovely man and start to have a sex life. I’m driven in my head with my thought processes around that subject. It’s like…I’m kinda driven in my head to want to be in love.

    Would you consider that to be like a drive. It sure distracts me. I don’t reaally know what it distracts me from.

    I’m rambeling arn’t I. Sorry. I’ll shut up now.

    Smiles
    Di X

    No worries, my dear – you don’t have to ‘shut up’ on my blog. Not ever. If you get out of hand I’ll just give you some herbal tea to calm you down. πŸ˜‰

    I’d definitely consider wanting to be in love a drive. It’s one I too am familiar with. I’d sure like to be in love myself. There is truly nothing like it. It’s the best.

    Annie xo

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  12. I’m driven by the thought of failure. I hate the idea of failing at anything. Sure being the best at something would be nice, but it’s not necessary so long as I don’t fail!

    That’s a really interesting take on this, Leaf. And you know, I’ve been there. That horror of falling flat on my face and I don’t know…being humiliated? Or worse? But one day I just changed my mind – I just decided that it was finally my turn to do what I wanted, not what others expected or thought was right – it was all about me this time. And you know, I’m not sure anyone could call a ‘success’ but I’ve never been happier. And it’s okay with me if I fail – it’s more important to try and really reach for what I want than to worry that I might fail. I certainly won’t succeed if I dont’ try, will I?

    If you want my advice, which you probably don’t, I’d say just follow whatever makes your heart sing and your spirit feel alive – hobby, career, whatever – you’d be amazed at how wonderful it feels.

    Annie

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  13. Lots of familiar vibes here … very smart, not popular, fear of failure (embarrassment). Props to all of you who had/have the courage to follow your hearts instead of those smart-and-oh-so-logical heads. (“What, me major in writing? No way. I need a real career.”)

    Oh 30, I so know what you’re talking about. Oh yes, I’ve been convinced about the ‘real career’ path too. I sure did make some money…which was good cuz I had to buy a bunch of crap so my self loathing would be bearable. Weird, huh?
    Annie

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  14. hey WC, my passion is writing and reading poetry, prose, creative non-fiction, yeah, i get lost inside my computer – hoping to become a
    publisher/editor, saving dinero and “collecting”
    writers and artist, another love -my main obstyqacle is finding a place for my work.

    I can empathize, Jade. My main obstacle seems to be the same. Sucks, don’t it?

    Annie

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  15. Annie, you are painting a picture of what my daughter might be as an adult. She writes constantly, and has been creating stories since before she could even write her name. It’s a skill I admire. She’ll spend hours and hours creating something and not realize she’s doing it. It is her passion and we’ve always encouraged it.

    I have to say I’m driven by love. Love for my husband, my children, my friends, my extended family, my students, God. There are days when I’m too damn tired to take another step, yet I do, because I love someone and they need something and I can provide it. Oh, I do have my selfish moments, but the guilt creeps in and the drive returns, LOL.

    Hey Mrs V,
    I’d have to say, I agree, your daughter has the writer bug and likely she’ll never get rid of it. I think that’s fanatastic.

    I understand about being driven by love and I think it’s wonderful that you feel that way about your family. I really admire that.

    Annie

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  16. I am driven by the same needs and desires of any evil genius plotting world domination. It’s lonely at the top but it is my destiny. What is a guy to do?

    πŸ˜‰

    I can only hope that when you acheive your world domination that you have a cabinet position for me. πŸ˜‰
    A

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  17. Have you found your passion? hope so – sounds good. I so love your voice and that you are willing to share it here with us.

    Aw thanks, C. You’re one of my favs too. Good to see you again -I have to start getting around the neighborhood again.
    Annie

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