I’ve never thought of myself as driven. Truth be told I’ve always thought that I was somewhat lazy. If you ask my mother, I had an answer for everything. I thought that came from having a sharp mind or being like my dad or possibly both.
I do have a high IQ and spent many years of my life trying to hide that fact. You know, wanting to be just one of the gang, not wanting to stand out? God forbid that any of my friends should know I had a brain and that I knew how to use it. So, in my formative years, my time and energy was devoted to consealing my terrible secret.
Quite possibly, that is why the path of my life seems to the casual eye, so driftless and aimless. I am a slacker by all standards harsh and otherwise. I go off in all directions, like a gun on crack – never knowing what target I’ll be aiming at next. Or so I thought. Actually, now I’m thinking not so much.
Since I’ve made the ill-advised foray into self employment or as we like to call it out here in unemployment land, freelancing – I’ve come to find that there is a certain trajectory I have plotted for myself. In fact, I’m a writer. And truthfully, have always been. Even when I couldn’t read or write I was writing stories in my head. I was making up shit with wild abandon. In my imagination I have been married to William Tell, Eric Clapton, all of the Monkeys, Robert Dinero and Rudy Richards. Of course, none of them were aware of this and probably that’s for the best. But I digress….
The point here is that I am driven. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that I could spend 18 hours at a computer keyboard without even noticing the time going by. That I could spend those hours looking for ‘markets’ and ‘jobs’ and ‘gigs’ and buffing up resumes and looking for ‘clients’ and such. I never thought I would find it more important than eating or socializing or watching television. I never thought I would ever be driven toward anything. Or amount to anything. Of course, the numbers aren’t in on that one yet – so it’s always a possibility – still, my drive seems to say no.
And even though there are many times, sometimes in the course of a single hour, where I think it’s time to pack it in and give up. To go and get a ‘job’ and join the rest of the human race in normal life, something happens. Unexpected money, an offer of work, something…and my drive gets reinforced even more.
It’s a curious thing to realize that I’m not really that laid back, easy going slacker chick that I’ve fancied myself to be all these years. That I have big ambitions and a never ending drive, but realize it I have.
I’ve no idea where it will lead but I must say I will be fascinated to see how it all turns out.
How about you? What are you driving or what’s driving you?