Hair and Spray- Guest Post by mJ

Hi, I’m mJ from Not a Housekeeper and WC asked me to pinch hit for her today.

I was a clumsy kid.

I was the kid no one wanted on their dodgeball team because it was inevitable that I’d ball one of my own teammates in the back of the head.

I was the kid, when playing volleyball in PE class, who’d serve the ball. And instead of actually smacking the ball over the net, I’d miss the ball held in my hand with such verve and force that I’d flop onto the floor, the ball rolling into an unoccupied corner.

Kids groaned when I was the one left to be chosen for sports teams. I groaned too. I should have felt left out, or sad, but I didn’t, because I knew just as well as they did that I was an absolute disaster in any kind of coordinated team activity. Put me in a pair of ballet slippers, and I was fine. But anything that involved other people? Disaster.

In ninth grade, I went to a private school. We had these grey wool pleated skirts, and white oxford button-down shirts, and maroon cardigan sweaters. We could wear any shoes we wanted, as long as we had on knee socks or tights. I wore penny loafers, or purple Doc Martens. Because I was such a dichotomy, I couldn’t decide if I wanted to be punk or prep. It was Jersey, so it didn’t really matter much, as long as I had The Hair.

For some reason, in fifth grade, I decided to cut my hair short. In a kind of funky surfer girl do, with the hair a little longer on one side so I could swing it out of my face as needed. I looked absolutely asinine, because I have thick, curly hair. Thick curly hair needs to be long enough to weight itself down, or it looks like a head of broccoli. And I sure did look like a piece of broccoli.

Since my hair was so ridiculously unruly, I used hairspray. We didn’t have product in those days-AquaNet or Stiff Stuff was as good as it got, so I had both. And used them judiciously. I decided to grow my hair longer, so by the time I was in ninth grade it resembled a mass of bird’s nests rather than actual hair.

My hair grows outward. Not down.

The amount of hairspray I used on any given day didn’t help, nor did the fact that instead of allowing my curls to air dry, I instead hit them with a blow dryer.

It was the end of my ninth grade year, and it was hot. And sticky. And humid. And it was that time of year for the PE fitness tests, which meant an entire week of being outside daily. Does anyone know what thick, curly, hair sprayed hair does at the end of a week of being outside?

It poofs. Significantly. So, on Friday, the last day of PE tests, I used an extra dose of hairspray to counteract the effects of the humidity. Which basically meant that my hair was immobile. A helmet, as it were. My hair wasn’t going anywhere.

I’m on the track, running my mile, when a bee stopped by. The scent of my sticky-sweet hair must have attracted him, because he decided to hang around for awhile. Which I didn’t care for, and responded by swatting and dodging and running crazily. Which the bee didn’t care for, so he responded by attempting to sting me.

And he did. Right in the scalp above my left ear.

And then he died, in my hair. Because I had so much hairspray creating a helmet, that the bee couldn’t fight his way through the jungle to get out and die in peace. Of course, this horrified me, so I was sent to the school nurse, to get the bee out.

She wanted to wash my hair. At school. And I didn’t have any hairspray.

So I told her “no”, went back to PE with a dead bee in my hair, finished out the day, and went home. With a dead bee in my hair.

My parents grounded me from hairspray that month. Took all of it away, and made me go to school with UN-HAIR SPRAYED HAIR. I, of course, sneak-hair sprayed, until one day when I learned the value of air drying.

I still don’t use hairspray, and have an unhealthy fear of bees.

Thanks Annie, for having me hang out at your place today!!

(Thanks mJ, I’m still laughing over this one!)

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10 thoughts on “Hair and Spray- Guest Post by mJ

  1. Hey mJ,
    I just had to drop by and say what a scream this was. I could hardly breathe I was laughing so hard. Thanks for pinching hitting for me today – all you guys have been the greatest with the guest posts and have given me some much needed me time.

    Oh yeah and here’s a hint: link? 😉

    Annie

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  2. What a riot! This definitely gives new meaning to the word “beehive hairdo.” I remember those days before “product.” Aqua Net must have made a killing in the 80s. This was a fun read!

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  3. You and your hairspray stories! It is vintage you, haha!

    i feel you on the thick curly hair as i have a heck of a time roping my own up into a bun. My sisters were really into Aqua-net and those supertall bangs. i used a lot of gel- so much that the thin gelled clumps of my hair felt like tiny knives. 😦 Now, i don’t put anything in my hair except i leave a little conditioner in it for c o m b i n g.

    You told this well, so funny.

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  4. Holy crumpets, what’s the line from that song? Oh yes, ‘singing my life with his words’. In this case ‘writing my life with her words’. When you described trying to serve the volleyball, I almost had a full blown flashback. And with this, “My hair grows outward. Not down”, you are forever my friend. You understand!!! I have finally learned the secret to sucess. Finding someone who knows how to cut curly (unruly curls) really well. Frizz taming conditioner. A diffuser..never ever full blast hairdryer. And on the days I go all out, a ceramic straightener. And the really humid days, I have simply learned to accept my Wild Irish Hag look.

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  5. That was hilarious. In high school I did everything possible to straighten my hair. I rolled my hair on the biggest brush rollers known to mankind and slept on them. They were the size of soda cans only they had these brushes in them to get the hair to stick to them so when you slept on them it hurt. I didn’t care as long as my hair got straighter. After high school I let it go wild and had a sort of short curly afro. I still do, only there is a little less hair and a lot more gray.

    That was a really funny story.

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  6. You had me crackn’ up here. During that time, your hairspray period, you really were your own worse enemy there- blow drying? OMG, LOL! I just felt for you reading this. A bee stuck in your hair, poor girl!

    Did one of your kids inherit your curls? At least if one of them did, I’m sure you wont be blow drying it anytime soon…..

    Funny stuff girl! Funny, funny stuff here.

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  7. Ha ha… I feel at home among you curly-haired gals. Mine used to grow outward like that when I was a kid too, before I learned how to tame it. Less is more: comb through a little mousse, scrunch with towel, air dry.

    Great story! I’m going to check out your blog. 🙂

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