The Lord of the Flies & His Vacuum

Okay, I know I have in the past regaled you with humorous stories of Roomie but this one I do believe takes the cake. We all know he loves to talk in morning – really loudly. Really inanely and really drives me up the wall. He simply does not see dirt in any form and apparently thinks that the 30 pounds of fat that hangs over his belt buckle really gets the girls all twittery.

But today I hear this enormous noise coming from the kitchen and I think he has gotten some sort of high octane burning, super v8 engined blender or something and is mixing up some odd mixture of fish heads, vitamin powder and yoghurt.- and like an accident, I can’t look away. So when I peek around the corner there he is with the vacuum in the kitchen.

I must admit at first I was overjoyed that he was actually vacuuming anything and thought perhaps the furballs left by his giant cat had gotten too big for even him to stand to look at anymore – but no. Not vacuuming up the dirt, the furballs or anything else one usually uses a vacuum for – no, he was vacuuming flies out of the the window. I shit you not. And not only was he vacuuming flies out of the window ledges but he was yammering on about what a brilliant idea it was rather than messing with fly traps. And apparently trying to impress me with his brilliance as well.

Now, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised by this, since this is a man who will vacuum his lawn, yet never clean his grill, will dig out his sprinkler heads at ten o’clock at night just cuz it bugs him but only do laundry when he absolutely must, will chide me about bacterial growth if I leave something in a pan for half an hour on the stove, but happily eat rice that stood on the range for 12 hours- so sure, why wouldn’t he vacuum the windows? Seriously, why not?

However, when I suggested he might want to also vacuum all the crud under his feet, the vacuum went off within seconds and has remained in the kitchen ever since. Interesting don’t you think? The mere suggestion that he should use a cleaning apparatus to actually clean something was such a turn off that he had to go watch a movie and eat some chips. Ah, the good life.

Jeez louise!

14 thoughts on “The Lord of the Flies & His Vacuum

  1. Lol. My first thought was, “Okay, he spilled or broke something and he’s trying to vacuum up the evidence.” My suspicious mind. tsk tsk

    Hey Girlfriend,
    No, that would make too much sense – if you knew Roomie, you would realize the errors of your thinking. He wouldn’t give a damn if he broke something, much less try to get rid of the evidence. LOL, he’d probably look at it and say, ‘well the damn thing got in my way.’ Or something like that. πŸ˜‰


  2. Hi WC,

    I suspect that you completely misunderstand the situation. Roomie is not really the slob you describe, but is only trying to propagate his cat. It’s a little known fact that, once a fur ball reaches sufficient size and in the proper environment for a period of time, it turns into a kitten.

    the Grit

    Oh gawd, Grit, you come up with the most illuminating explanations – and if you are correct, I expect we’ll have a litter of 6 or 7 skittering around the house soon. πŸ˜‰


  3. He sounds oddly related to my husband . . .lol πŸ™‚

    Hey Ramblin!
    Isn’t it funny how so many men see oddly related to so many other men? I mean, is there a club or something where they all get their house cleaning tips and tricks? Curious. Very curious. πŸ˜‰


  4. What time is it?

    Time for a new Roommate. πŸ˜‰

    Hello Mr. Parkour,
    Yes, I suspect you may be correct about the time – however, housing in the Los Angeles area is hideously expensive – obscene really – so even if I moved or got another roomie, I doubt it would be much of an improvement. Still, I do dream of the day when I can live in a house where I don’t have to hide out in my room 99% of the time. πŸ˜‰


  5. Oh my, I can’t stop laughing. This was the funniest post ever. I can just imagine it all. When my daughter first started dating her husband he lived in a small house with his brother. It belonged to their Japanese grandfather. Sarah said it was so disgusting she could hardly sit on a chair. She is an extreme neat freak. They had known each other for years and had been best friends for a long time before they actually started dating. After about a week of dating she went in there when he was at work and cleaned down the whole place. She had to because she wouldn’t even use their bathroom. Now that they are married he cleans up after himself knowing she will be on him so fast if he doesn’t.

    LOL Joanie, it makes me laugh that the post makes you laugh. I often find myself in a state of glee over his antics and ways. I shake my head frequently then go to my room and shut the door. Yikes, your daughter must have really loved the guy, huh?

    A few years back a friend and I had the brilliant idea of starting a cleaning business. After less than three months we were so disgusted and grossed out (literally) that we threw away our rubber gloves forever. Unbelievable the filth some people can live in – I’m talking about crud so galvinized that you couldn’t get it off the walls with a sandblaster. Yikes. πŸ™‚
    hugs & jugs


  6. LOL…the first thing we did each weekend when we got to the Farm (family country house) was vacuum up all the flies that had accumulated over the week. HOWEVER, my mother did vacuum the floors as well. Sounds like quite the character. Quite charming in fact.

    LOL Panther,
    He is quite the character but definitely not charming. A little scary and grouchy but not charming. I think Mr. Parkour is right, I need a new roomie – or no roomie at all which is probably better idea.



  7. How the fuck did he get the hoover on the windowsill I thought. Ha ! I forgot about attatchments.

    I would hoover up the MAN if I was you. No room for roomies but I quess they help pay the bills.

    Thanks for the funny story Annie

    Yes, darling, attachments. It’s not a hoover either, it’s a rainbow, a very strange looking contraption – enormous and I can’t use it because it weighs a hundred pounds or more. Give me a Hoover any day. πŸ˜‰


  8. On the bright side at least he wasn’t sexually abusing the vacuum cleaner. Seeing that would have really started your morning on a different foot.

    Yes, darlin’ that is the bright side, and I want to thank you most profusely for putting that image in my head. As if I don’t already have enough bad dreams. πŸ˜†


  9. I sure hope he vacuumed up his chip crumbs!!!

    Yeah, in both our dreams, Red. You would kill this guy – he would drive you up a wall. Yikes, just the thought. πŸ˜‰


  10. LOL@ Evyl’s comment. Wow. I wonder why flies in the windowsill would bother someone who would not care to clean the floor or who isn’t bothered by 12 hour old rice? I’ll never understand some people. I guess I’ll just have to live with that. But I’m glad I don’t have to live with that in the same way you do! 😯 You have my sympathies Annie.

    Yeah, me too, Teens. But there you have it. LOL.


  11. Ha!!

    In England we say hoovering up weather it be a hoover, a rainbow a bloody big contraption or whatever one uses to ‘do it’. We just hoover up. I don’t hoover up – I brush up.

    Oh !

    Evyls comment was TO FUNNY

    Urgh !

    I daren’t even say what I want to say. To base hehe!! But I’m giggling away here thinking about twittery girls, fat, hoovers and sex and Yes ! Your roomie. Does roomie eat flies then.

    I bet he eats the twittery girls.

    Love & Twitters

    I’ve bever heard ‘twittery girls’ before, I love it. I want to be a twittery girl.Can I be a twittery girl.

    Hi Annie. X

    Hi Di,
    So when you saying Hoover, you just mean vacuum in general, eh? I get it. Sure, I suppose you can be a twittery girl if you like – I’ve heard it’s kinda fun. πŸ˜‰


  12. Hey !!

    Maybe thats where I’m going wrong. I need to purchase a big, enormous, sexy hoover with attatchments. Oh ! Maybe I could start to sexually abuse hoovers and become all twittery on meself.

    Thats it.

    Mt ramppent rabbit delux model from Ann Summers Β£37.50 is out. Sorry. Your time is up

    I’m moving on to more bigger things. OH NO ! Please god don’t let me do that.


    Oh Jesus, Di – I guess we should have left that attachment conversation alone, eh? LOL.


  13. Hi WC,

    It appears to be my calling in life. I’ve finally learned to embrace it and share the joy where appropriate. I begin to suspect it’s some sort of Zen thing. Sorry.

    the Grit

    LOL Grit,
    Well dear, we all have to go with our strong suits, eh? It’s what makes the world go round, or so I’ve heard. πŸ˜‰


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