10 Reasons Women Don't Need Penises

(warning: not a post for sensitive men. wc)

I know that there are some men out there who have this idea that women have penis envy – like they’d want one for their very own. Not really sure where that came from but my guess is a guy thought it up and it couldn’t be further from the truth. I can assure you that while there may be a few exceptions it certainly isn’t the rule. The following are just a few reasons why women don’t need penises:

1. It would just be one more thing to put in our purses and never find again.
As it is, we have to carry everything from meds to laptops in our purses, and whoever makes purses seems to think that a black lining is perfect – so it becomes an immediate black hole for anything dropped into it. Adding one more item just means we’ll never see that again either. What’s the point?

2. We don’t have that much time on our hands
Really we don’t too many items on the list already that need checking off and on top of that, it’s really hard on the manicure too.

3. Pretty much any guy you’ve ever met will lend you his, indefinitely – why buy when you can rent?
That is the thing about men, they are so sharing and especially in this regard. It’s why we love them. And also it saves room in our purses.

4. We like to keep our brains all in one place.
If it’s one thing women like, it’s to have things compartmentalized. We have more than enough to scatter and confound us without having something in our capris trying to give us advice too.

5. It simply doesn’t go with any of our outfits
Okay, maybe that is vane – but really the wrong accessory can ruin an outfit. It’s like white sox with sandalls. No. Just. No.

6. We don’t like loose ends
We are organizers at heart. A place for everything and everything in its place. Having to deal with something that refuses to stay in its place upsets our chi and inner peace.

7. Aren’t thunder thighs punishment enough?
Seriously, and hot flashes and PMS and child birth and cellulite and, and, and….

8. Power tools aren’t our thing
Well maybe there are one or two power tools we like – but if it requires more than a battery change-out, it’s just too much trouble.

9. We already have enough problems trying to fit into our jeans
And we’ve spent decades with pantie wedgies and now the thong, honestly, there is only so much you are willing to suffer for beauty.

10. Somebody has to be able to think clearly
Well, it’s true! So there.

(note: no men were harmed, used for testing or otherwise involved, during the construction of this post.)

Feel free to add to the list. πŸ˜‰


26 thoughts on “10 Reasons Women Don't Need Penises

  1. This one had me LOL – ” We don’t have that much time on our hands” muah-ha-ha-ha! and also, “We already have enough problems trying to fit into our jeans”.

    And, I don’t think we’d look to “ladylike” constantly adjusting our newly acquired, sweaty junk.

    LOL – yup – and really the manicure…well you know what I mean. πŸ™‚


  2. Hi Annie

    Oh to funny. Love your take as always dearie. I actually took a picture of a mans penis on Saturday – It was a first for me I don’t make habit of taking pictures of mens penises. He wanted to show of his tattoo a bright yellow smiliy face on his bell end. It gave me a migrain – Honest it did.

    URGH !! How awful. Yes ! I posted it on my blog -I had to. I did however only think it worth a thumbnail size. One good reason not to have a dick or a boyfriend who has one and especially one that has smily faces tattooed on them. He said he had it coloured in twice. Imagine waiting for him.

    We have five fingers and five toes why on earth would we want another sticky out wiggly thing, 10 on a body is enough.

    If I owned a penis, I don’t think I’d touch it and rub it up and down in public like the men that have them do. I don’t think that that looks very nice.

    A penis to me is a poinless piece of flesh that can’t even come close to my Rampent Rabbit.Don’t ever ask me to choose.

    And lastly like Annie said have we not got enough to fit in our jeans. I would feel powerless if I had a penis.Just someone looking nice can make it move and look all funny in the front of the jeans. Nah !!

    Nah !! I’l stick wi me fanny thanks anyday.
    Its fannies all the way for me.

    Giggling so much here, sorry for being a bit rude.

    Hey Di,
    I can honestly say, you’re the only woman I know who had to take a picture of a penis because of a smiley face. I’m speechless. LOL.

    Well, I don’t think they’re totally useless, I just dont’ women need them I mean for their very own. Shit, no matter what I going to get in hot water, for this, aren’t I? Oh well, sometimes you just have to laugh.
    And I am.



  3. ~~~5. It simply doesn’t go with any of our outfits
    Okay, maybe that is vane – but really the wrong accessory can ruin an outfit. It’s like white sox with sandalls. No. Just. No.~~~~~

    To funny Annie. Love the picture to. Love this post. Love fun. Love things that are a bit on the edge as well.

    Just love again.

    Shush !! Don’t tell any-one will you. I have got to a point in my life where I am prepeared to love the penis when I find one to love. I will probably adore it. Don’t tell any-one.


    LOL – okay Di – your secret is safe with me. πŸ˜†


  4. oh yes, definitely another thing to lose in the handbag……… I’m content to borrow the love slaves and not have my own.

    Hey Bettina,
    Don’t you just hate? The black hole that a handbag is? I’m always saying, ‘now I know it’s in here somewhere..’ Oooh, love slave, sounds like fun. πŸ˜‰


  5. Oh Annie, this is great. I notice there hasn’t been any comments from the male population yet – maybe they’re all too gobsmacked LOL

    No 6 got me – “a place for everything and everything in its place.” I just don’t have time in the mornings to decide which side I am dressing to. And another thing, I don’t have time during the day to keep checking that everything is where its supposed to be. Apparently that’s why males keep playing with themselves all day, just to make sure everything is where they left it.

    Hey Gem,
    Yup, I imagine the boys will be pretty quiet on this one – but then you never know, eh?

    I know, dressing to one side or the other must be very confusing – have noticed even the buttons on their shirts are on the wrong side. I honestly don’t know how they manage with that extra maintenance -make sure everything is where they left it, lol. πŸ˜†


  6. Pretty much any guy you’ve ever met will lend you his, indefinitely

    ROFL, LMAO, and whatever acronym describes the belly laugh you just gave me.

    Oooh, I got a belly laugh out of Panther. Yay! Well, in all fairness they are very giving in that way, which does work well for us – at least most of the time, eh? πŸ˜†


  7. Hilarious!

    I once heard a comedian describe the vagina as God folding together a nice little present, overlapping pieces of tissue paper and then wrapping it beautifully. He said the penis looked like God started on a bow but got a phone call that interrupted…

    An incomplete bow? As in bowing to the crowd, ‘thank you very much’? Or as an incomplete gift wrapping. LOL – you could use either of those as a straight line, eh? Too funny.



  8. Oh, This is great. You got me laughing again. I hope that food fight guy is gone. This might put him over the edge. I just can’t imagine having to tend to a weenie unless it has mustard on it and onions.

    LOL Joanie, glad it got you laughing – that was the idea. hehe. Yes, I thought about that too – like he is so paranoid he’d think it had to do with him. What he doesn’t know is I write my posts way in advance sometimes – and this was one of those. Anyway, yup mustard, onions and a little chili too, please. πŸ˜†


  9. 8. Power tools aren’t our thing
    Well maybe there are one or two power tools we like – but if it requires more than a battery change-out, it’s just too much trouble.

    LOL I thought you said you didn’t need a penis

    LMFAO :giggle:

    I don’t.


  10. ~~~~I just can’t imagine having to tend to a weenie unless it has mustard on it and onions~~~~

    Hi Annie.

    That Joans of mum and Fun gets me every time.

    Oh !!

    I love this post. Can we have more of these bits and pieces please.

    I always wondered why they had buttons on the other side of the blouse. Its so they don’t get mixed up isi’t.

    Hehe!! yer giggling – its great

    PS. I’m really not a man hater honest – I am actually looking for a boyfriend with a penis.

    Just having a giggle thats all ( at your lots expense )

    I dont really know to be honest with you Di – why do they have buttons on the other side? There must be a reason. I wonder if I can find out. Hmmm.
    Annie πŸ˜‰


  11. 4. We like to keep our brains all in one place.

    So your sexual organs don’t give you advice? Man all these years thinking foreplay served a purpose…

    Well of course it serves a purpose – but no, I don’t take advise from that part of my body.


  12. OK, I just learned a new phrase for the day: penis envy. The whole concept seems wrong on so many levels! Loved #5. Maybe Bjork could find something in her wardrobe but it wouldn’t be a good look. Thanks for the laugh, Annie. πŸ™‚

    You’ve never heard of that before? It’s as old as the hills. Maybe it’s an Americanism, though I don’t think so. Yes, Bjork probably could manage. LOL. The rest of us girls would have a problem. πŸ˜‰


  13. Oh, Annie – these are all great reasons. I prefer to have my hubby carry all the extra stuff, you know – the bags when I’m shopping, the penis, etc. It works out fine. πŸ˜‰

    LOL Teens, yeah that’s what men were made for…to carry all the extra stuff. Okay, okay, okay, boys pipe down, just kidding. πŸ˜‰


  14. It’s a good thing because after marraige it was about the only thing that I was allowed to keep.

    Oh my Gawd, this is such a perfect straight line for so many come backs but I’ll just say – well, dear, you got to keep it, didn’t you? πŸ˜‰


  15. I commend to you Dick for a Day, edited by Fiona Giles, in which a couple of dozen women, in wildly-different ways, answer the question “What would you do if you had one?”

    As the owner of one of these curious devices, I admit I found this book quite entertaining.

    Hmm…interesting premise – I can honestly say, I’ve never pondered that question. I actually like being a woman – never did want to be a man or have manly parts. More chocolate for me, please. πŸ˜‰


  16. I suppose it all comes down to a woman’s definition of ‘need’. As Paul Williams wrote (for B. Streisand in A Star is Born),
    “It’s so frustrating when you’re really into mating and there ain’t a lovin’ man around.” πŸ˜‰
    – JOS

    LOL JOS, yes, I guess it does all boil down to that, eh? Paul Williams, good song writer. πŸ˜‰


  17. Apparently the fact that their buttons are on the other side goes back to the days where women had maids etc to help them dress and the men were obstinant and wouldn’t accept help. Its easier to do someone else’s buttons the way they are on a ladies shirt.

    Oh and one other thing – cause we don’t have a penis our cars can have any size engine we want, we don’t need a 6 litre V8 as a penis extension πŸ™‚

    Wow, that’s interesting about the buttons – Gem, you are a wealth of information. πŸ™‚
    Oh yeah, the car engine thing…wtf is up with that? Never quite understood that. πŸ˜†


  18. Okey !!

    If I had my own penis I would adore it. Yes ! I would. She would be like a seperate enterty. She could be like a best friend to me.

    I would make the penis outfits. Bikini tops for the balls and little nice sarongs for the body. You know like a peg doll.You ever made clothes before for a peg. Similar sort of carry on.I would for sure get a little face tattoo on the bell end of it and I would also get a little piering in it. A little diamond or something. I would curl the hair around it, different hairstyles daily.

    Yes ! The penis could be my friend. I would talk to the penis in the street, wave to it and blow it kisses and I quess I would proibably touch it. I do hug my friends. We could always have conversations.

    I wouldn’t want the penis restricted. Locking it away in trousers and Jeans. Oh No ! I’d have it out. On show in all’s its glory in new outfits and hairsyles.

    One thing though !!

    I don’t think I could stick inside people. What about it’s new clothes.

    Love and Laughs
    Di X

    Oh jeez Di – I think this post has just gotten you thinking too much. LOL. Clothes? Outfits? Yikes. I was never one for dolls myself – books, that was my thing. πŸ˜‰


  19. Hi WC,

    You should think twice on the two brains issue. Really, having two points of view gives depth to your perception of the world. Besides, it provides the perfect response when caught talking to the air and questioned about who you were talking to, “My penis.” I would also point out that, what if the current media trend of stereotyping men as hormone driven simpletons continues, it won’t be too many years before a plea of “my penis made me do it” will be a valid defense in court.

    the Grit

    Well I can always rely on you, Grit, to come up with the best alternate reality around. Are you a lawyer? πŸ˜† Thank God, you’re on our side.


  20. hehe!!

    It doesn’t take much for me Annie – Honest to God. Throw the girl a line and I’m away. Just the word penis is a good naughty one. Theres so much to say and such a long way to go. Hehe!! I will shut up though.

    I wish I could be a bit more humours on my own blog. I’m boaring in my house.

    I loved this post.

    Well hell, Di – it’s your blog – anchors away, I say. πŸ˜‰


  21. Should have lobbed it back. It is rare that I give people a straight line.

    Well if you insist. πŸ™‚

    you said: It’s a good thing because after marraige it was about the only thing that I was allowed to keep.

    And my initial thought was: Sounds like you ended up with most of the real estate then.

    How’s that? πŸ˜†


  22. Hi Annie,

    I’m not a lawyer, however, my son just started his second year of law school πŸ˜‰

    the Grit

    Far out, then he’ll to be able to bail us out – when we get in trouble. πŸ˜‰


  23. Oh Annie! Awesome essay. We like our brains in
    one place is worth the price of admission.
    funny stuff – funny girl!

    Thanks Jade – I was truly committed to utter silliness this week – luckily some of it paid off. Yes, we do like our brains in just the one place, don’t we? πŸ˜‰


  24. This is ridiculous.
    Women don’t have penis envy? HA!
    Then why make a big deal about the penis and write a big long list about it? Just a tad bit ironic?

    Who cares?! Men have penises and women have vagina’s. Women have breasts that hang (as does the penis); the breast starts out all perky and in some cases pointing outward and then with age begins to sag. (5, 6, 7, and 9)

    Some men and women are stupid, as well as some men and women are smart. It is said that the most intelligent person to date was/is Albert Einstien. Guess what? He had a penis. (10)
    What do I think? I think neither men or women are smarter or better than the opposite sex.

    Some people just need to grow up and put physical differences (between the male and female gender) behind them. If you (the poster as well as readers) are over the age of 18, then you are very immature and childish. GROW UP!

    (Bear in mind, I am 17.)

    Hey there Me… you seem pretty hot under the collar here. Since you have put in a bogus email address and url, I’d say that you’re not all that brave yourself. That aside, you big dufus, this post is called satire. You may want to look it up in the dictionary so you can understand the purpose of this post. But let me give you a hint – it was just for laughs. Clearly you are too young to understand irony or that someone might actually write something in order to make people laugh but eventually I’m sure you’ll figure it out.

    Please don’t come back. I’m not really interested in any of your further opinions or admonitions. This is my blog and I’ll whatever the hell I feel like writing here. If you don’t like it, you are more than welcome to never read my blog again. Sound good. Have a nice day. πŸ‘Ώ


  25. Every time I look in the mirror, I would be too busy laughing at myself to get anything done! Honestly, they are pretty funny looking.

    Yup, that would be a scream, eh?


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