It’s dawned on me recently that some people really are just too stupid for love. I don’t mean that in a mean way, just that well, some folks don’t have the sense they were born with and for the safety of themselves and others they may want to reconsider making a foray into that arena. Here’s a few reasons why:
1. Your IQ is so high that someone saying I love you, or I care causes you to run to your blackboard and work out the mathematical ramifications and symbolizations of those words and develope a theory on the proper response.
Okay, we’ve all met them, those really super smart people who can give you the latin name for any living creature on earth but hasn’t a clue about the opposite sex. While it might be cute as a movie premise, in real life it’s just too painful to try to explain the real world to these eggheads.
2. Nobody knows how to touch you like you do
You know if you have the system down pat and you know all the right moves, why involve anyone else? That just seems greedy.
3. You’re only attracted to people who have fantasies of running you over with their car or sleeping with your sister/brother
The stuff that most country western songs are made of – it may be wiser for you to consider a musical career or auditioning for American Idol.
4. You think the words, “I’ll call you,” really mean you’ll be receiving a phone call.
Call me, what? I ask.
5. You think The Rules actually work
For crying out loud those stupid ass rules didn’t work for our great great grandmothers, you think a modern man/woman with an internet connection and a porno url is going to bend to the rules? Is it cold in your cave?
6. You’re open to blind dates
There is a reason they call them blind dates – you know what I mean?
7. You think the profiles on online dating sites are accurate, despite the fact that yours has more lies than your current resume – oh yeah and you think the photos are current too.
Face it, anybody can say anything on those sites and they do. Hell, you didn’t even tell the truth, now what makes you think they did?
8. You think that co-signing a car loan for someone you’ve dated for two weeks is a wise decision.
Okay, that’s beyond stupid, that’s like…really fucking stupid.
9. You’ve been looking for your soul mate for the last 30 years
You know, I really like the idea of soul mates but let’s face it, if they were really your soulmate wouldn’t they just be you? Isn’t it better to just find somebody you like and who likes you? Someone you can discuss a movie or a book with? Someone who actually exists? I’m just saying.
10. You think that telling the story of your sorry love life on the first date, will result in a lifelong bonding.
Look, there’s a reason you have all that baggage and sad stories and one of them is probably that you tell every new person you meet what an idiot you are. Shut up, don’t tell them. Just shut up. Then you’ll have a chance in hell.
11. You think your date is in a hurry to get the check because they want to be alone with you.
Unless your date’s underpants are on fire or their head is exploding, being in a hurry to get the check is not a good sign. Repeat, this is not a good sign. No need to worry about what underwear you chose to wear.
12. You are incapable of saying the following words or phrases convincingly – possibly because you are unaware of the fact that they are often followed by hot sex.
I’m sorry; I’m an idiot; I didn’t mean it; It meant nothing; he/she means nothing to me; I have no need/desire to look at another man/woman; Yes, dear; Of course, your mother (sister, brother, college room mate, etc.) can stay here; I am nothing without you; Please forgive me… (not a complete list but you get the idea).
Okay, there you have it. Feel free to add to the list. 😉