New Stock Market Glossary:
CEO –Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER — What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.
Hello, is this the Sheriff’s Office?”
“Yes. What can I do for you?”
“I’m calling to report ’bout my neighbor Virgil Smith.
He’s hidin’ marijuana inside his firewood!
Don’t quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he’s hidin’ it there.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, twelve Sheriff’s Deputies descend on Virgil’s house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil’s house.
“Hey, Virgil! This here’s Floyd….Did the Sheriff come?”
“Did they split you r firewood?”
“Happy Birthday, buddy!”