Users, Abusers & Losers

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had a few notable “users” in my journey through life. They are very wiley creatures and often hard to spot. Mainly because they have the ‘dodge’ down pat.

Some of them are so good that it seems no matter what they do to you (or others) they always receive forgiveness. Only to do it all again. And again. Because you see, they have perfected the ability to use your good intentions against you.

My most notable user was a woman, let’s call her A, okay? We met while working in the same restaurant and the woman was absolutely mystifying to me. She had a certain charm and wisdom about her that drew people to her and I was one of them and soon became one of her disciples. Spitting out chunks of her philosophy at everyone else in my life. Alienating several real friends, who, thank God, later forgave me my insanity.

This particular connection was years long and there were several attempts on my part to break away. Crazy as it may sound, I felt powerless to remove her from my life even though I knew I had to, I just couldn’t sever the tie. It was as though, despite all the abuses (such as constant demeanment, selling my possessions, telling others I was untrustworthy, criticisms of my goals, informing me that my dream of being a writer was ridiculous, among others) I feared I would somehow cease to exist if I broke away from her. Co-dependent does not begin to describe this relationship.

The final straw came when I arrived home (we were room mates) to discover that many of my possessions were in the driveway being tagged for sale. While I’d been at work, she took what she thought I didn’t need and was adding those things to her pile of stuff for a garage sale the next day. Something just snapped in me and I saw this woman for what she really was – a self-absorbed, conscienceless creature who would do anything to anyone to feed her need for self-importance. Someone who would never be truly happy unless everyone around her was under her control.

A user and abuser, but in truth a loser because she would never understand, appreciate or experience true friendship and mutual respect.

After that, it was easy to break away and never feel the inclination to reconnect. Although it took years to repair the many bridges I’d burned with others, I was happy to make amends to my real friends and God bless them, for their forgiveness.

And I’m here to tell you, having a person like this in your life can ruin it and you. Life is too short and too wonderful to have this type of person around. And while I’ve encountered a few others of this ilk since then, their shelf life was considerably shorter because I saw them for what they were. Moving them out of my life without a thought, which resulted in the almost instant return of my well being and joy in life.

How about you? Any of these folks in your life? If so, maybe it’s time to clean house.

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “Users, Abusers & Losers

  1. I’m first?!!! Yeehaw. Okay, back to the regularly scheduled program.

    First off, good for you! For recognizing who she was. She sounds like a real character and luckily for me, I’ve never run into anyone quite like that. Second, good for taking that learning, and applying to the others you meet later on who may have a similar pattern.

    You’re absolutely right – life is way too short to waste it on people who take away your happiness. Be happy with who you are, what you do, and what your essence is. And you’ll attract people who also accept you as you are.

    🙂

    Daisy

    LOL Daisy,
    Yup, you’re first. 😉

    This story does come from my far away past but I was reminded of it because I have a friend who seems to have one of these lovlies lurking about. Their uncanny ability at playing mind games I thought was something that was remarkable to point out. I think a lot people may have someone like this wreaking havoc in their lives too – it really only takes one to do an enormous amount of damage, you know?

    Annie

    Like

  2. Hi Annieo,

    I have been involved in co-dependent realonships with women friends.

    I’m very drawn to women and I can feel in awe of some and dote on their every word. I can. I can leave myself quite open for abuse on some levels as I make myself very vunerable.

    You said ;

    She had a certain charm and wisdom about her that drew people to her and I was one of them and soon became one of her disciples. Spitting out chunks of her philosophy at everyone else in my life. Alienating several real friends, who, thank God, later forgave me my insanity.

    I can almost feel those words for my own. Hey Annieo you sound to have had a pretty hard time of it with Lady Bloody Shit A.Its hard work isn’t. It can last for years yes until something kinda snaps and you think OMG ! Whats happening, whats happened, I’m not putting up with this any longer. My friend here in the UK and I are going through some similar at the moment.

    When I’ve been in similar situations with women friends and I’m in absoule awe of them I can almost take on their charachters and become like them, like I’m kinda not me. NA and the 12 step fellowship helps create these sort of dependancys if your not careful.

    Its so wierd how we almost feel powerless around some women. I’m always wondering if its me,like I give people to much power or do people really want to have some sort of power over me for what ever reasons. I don’t know.

    I’m forever going back to trying to understand codependency, I drive myself insannnne with it.

    I know I’m wittering.
    Love & Love
    Di

    Hey Di,
    Yeah it is weird how someone like this can captivate and bewitch you. Though when you stand back and look at it can’t really quite figure out why, eh? In my case it hasn’t always been women though the worse one, was. And the fancing dancing this one did made her nearly bullet proof. I hope you find a way to get these people wrenched free from your life – they aren’t good for anyone. Ever. And that’s the truth.

    Love
    Annie

    Like

  3. Lived with one for 16 years. And it always amazed me how he got away with his extreme behaviour, and yet I was one of the ones accepting it. Cleaned house, and haven’t allowed another of his ilk back in since.

    Whoa Panther,
    You’ve got me beat. How did you survive? They do just suck the life out of you, don’t they? Glad you got rid of them – feels nice not to have blood sucking leaches around, doesn’t it? 😉
    Annie

    Like

  4. I don’t usually get too involved with friends. I have a couple of close friends but I set forth rules when I met them. I enjoy my privacy so much and they understand this. It’s not that I don’t enjoy friends but I really need a lot of my own time.

    I mostly hang out with my family at least on a regular basis.

    My only user has been my son but I have set him straight finally with a lot of therapy. He’s one user I can’t exactly get rid of. He’s doing well at the moment but it is day by day with him.

    I can’t believe someone would make the decision to sell what she thought you didn’t need. That’s crazy. Sometimes though, people start out so charming and it takes a while to realize their true colors.

    I have this one local woman who wants to be my friend and calls me all the time but she is such a negative person. I can’t be around negative people. They seem to suck the life right out of me.

    It’s good that you do have close friends that were able to understand what you went through with the user.

    Hey Joanie,
    If your instincts tell you this woman is trouble then they are probably right. I too, like my privacy and need my fair share of space. And those with the negative vibes I try to keep far away from me and mine. And too, I’m glad to hear that Damon is trying rehab, I pray it helps get him through this.

    Love
    Annie

    Like

  5. it’s hard, isnt it . . to let go. im emailing you on this one, hope you dont mind.

    You bet your boots, it is. Got it and reply sent. Thanks, sweetie.
    Annie

    Like

  6. Yep. I’ve had those in my life. It’s such a relief when they are finally gone, and you can sit back and realize what you’ve been missing since their toxicity took up all your time.

    Hey MJ,
    Boy, ain’t that the truth. It’s like a sudden calm has been restored to the universe, isn’t it? 🙂
    Annie

    Like

  7. I’ve weeked out a couple of these types of ‘friends’ over the past 2 years. Once they crossed the line (using issues around my eldest daughter to try to manipulate me) I broke away and have been much happier since.

    Life’s too short to be surrounded by losers.

    Hey Bettina,
    You’re right, life is too short to be dealing with these kind of creeps. 😉
    Annie

    Like

  8. Thankfully I can say I’m free of anyone that fits that description. It doesn’t mean that there hasn’t been people like that in my past, but I’ve since cleaned house. It is a good thing, and I’m glad you cleaned house too.

    Hey Mrs. V,
    Yes, cleaning house really is the only solution isn’t it? My house was cleaned a while ago but I keep a vigilant watch for future life suckers too. 😉
    Annie

    Like

  9. Wow. I have known some people like that and it seemed like she would make me question myself all the time and then sort of enjoy it when things fell apart for me. I guess that is not a real friend at all.

    Hey Teens,
    I think that everybody has had at least one of these turkeys in their lives at one time or another. And yeah they do enjoy seeing things fall apart for others.

    Annie

    Like

What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s