I wouldn’t go so far as to say there is no one who loves Christmas more than I do – as I’m sure there are a few out there who are more fanatical – but suffice to say I am pretty into it. And perhaps it is just a fact of life that when you love something that much you must also have a little bit of hate for it as well. Maybe because we just feel too much the effect of something we are so enamored with or maybe just because well…we’re a little nuts? Either is quite possible.
So for those of us who love Christmas but somewhere near the finale start to have little meltdowns, feelings of antagonism or just plain Grinch out, I offer the following clues:
You Know You Have Your Grinch on when…
1. Your dog no longer looks adorable in reindeer ears
2. Your outside Christmas display reminds you of Circuit City’s going out of business sale.
3. Hot cocoa just doesn’t taste right without several ounces of whiskey in it.
4. Santa strikes you are a highly obese, self indulgent schizophrenic who should be put away, or at the very least, do an extended interview series with Dr. Phil.
5. You suddenly understand Martha Stewart’s sneer in all those Christmas commercials.
6. The only thing you feel like putting together is a martini
7. You change the banner on your home made Christmas cards to Merry Fucking Christmas
8. You cane the elevator p.a. system to stop ‘the Christmas voices‘
9. You amuse yourself in line at the post office by training your laser pointer on the postal clerk
10. You stand on line for hours to see Santa, just so you can pull off his beard and expose him to hundreds of children.
11. You would kill someone for a parking space – any parking space.
12. On Christmas Eve in a fit of pique, you re-tag all the gifts with your name and barricade yourself in the family room with the tree and goodies.
13. The sale rack in Macy’s inexplicably causes you to cry
14. As you fall asleep at night you devise free-the-turkey plots in your head
15. You accidentally knock the soccer mom and her three kids away from the table that holds the last five Giggling Elmo’s in the state.
16. You turn off the lights just as the carolers reach your door
17. You break out into boils at the thought of the Christmas movie marathon at Aunt Edna’s
As usual, feel free to add to the list.