The Miracles…

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I’ve come to realize that my world in the last several months has been a sort of protected secret. A restricted area where few were allowed passage. And I’ve had to ask myself why. I may be right or I may be wrong but I believe the following sheds some light – at least for me.

About a year ago something unthinkable happened – a friend almost died.

“Dear Friends” the email began – and those words, changed my life forever.

The day was beautiful – perfect- and as I sat at my computer in my sun-filled room I saw nothing but darkness. The flowers in the vase on my table died as I stared at them, unseeing – grasping for the ordinary – the normal – knowing I would never again have it back in my possession. Not really.

The azure sky and the aubergine mountains closed in on me and were like a noose squeezing the joy out of everything I held dear. My possessions, once the source of comfort and stability, became dangerous and threatened to hurt me because everything reminded me of the pain I felt of losing an irreplacable friend.

My blue walls became an ocean that drowned me as I fought for air for lungs already filled with tears. The guilt of my weakness and grief robbed the little oxygen I had left and I’ve not felt the easy action of breathing in and out since. I must tell myself to ‘breathe.’ Often, I don’t succeed. Because in that moment a door shut. No. Slammed. And something in me died – the death throes of that moment still rattle in distant brain cells that refuse to go quietly.

Moments, days, weeks, months have blurred one into the next. So much so that I couldn’t tell you what’s happened in my life, except in the most general terms, in the last year. I can say that I’ve felt like a woman submerged in a deprivation tank of perception and senses. Things once light became dark, things once clear became dull. No matter where I go, what I do or see, everything reminds me. How can that be? And yet it is.

Speaking of it and attempting to express it has only added nails to the coffin because it was my job to be strong. For her. For her children. For her family and friends. It was my job to fix this terrible mistake that life had perpetrated on us. My job to find the answers to why. Why? Why? Why? Why did this happen at all? Why did this happen to her?

No amount of comfort, sympathy or soul searching has answered that question, leaving me with the conclusion that we aren’t meant to know some things before their proper revelation. Which makes me wonder if the ‘truth’ is a wholly subjective animal that changes on a moment to moment basis rather than something carved in universal stone. A creature which will remain illusive as long as I chase after it. As long as I must find it.

But the truth cares not to show its face to anyone and rather prefers to taunt and torture all of us into submission and fetal positions of the soul. Running from it and the reality of what has happened has brought no relief either. Instead it brings more pain and confusion to my doorstep and camps there now like a squatter claiming real estate that belongs to another.

Yet also, I see that in this nightmare there have been miracles. True miracles. For which I am grateful beyond description. Her irrespressible spirit denied death its prize and she survived – and reclaims her life one small piece at a time. She is not satisfied – ever – and is relentless in her pursuit. But I see each small victory as a blessing and a gift from God or the angels or the universe. And pray for more every day.

And now I choose to focus on the miracles and maybe that is what God intended from the beginning?

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8 thoughts on “The Miracles…

  1. It is difficult, when you’re served something that for all the world looks like a crap sandwich, to concentrate on the actual bread.

    At least, I hope it’s bread. 🙂

    CGHill´s last blog post..Grim Spector

    LOL Chaz,
    You and me both hope it’s bread. I suppose I’ve had worse meals but I’ve sure had better too. 😉
    Annie

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  2. Sad when something overtakes you and makes you question everything you thought you knew for sure. I’m glad you are beginning to focus on the little miracles – things can only get better from there. This is beautiful.

    JavaQueen´s last blog post..Yoo Hoo, LuLu, Bev & Boo

    Hey Bella,
    Yes, it is strange when something has that kind of impact. Hopefully, things are turning the corner though. Right? 🙂
    Annie

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  3. I think God always has a plan, and a lot of times we hate it. But I know I always find that I come out stronger in the end.

    Kudos to you. Anyone who can find something to be thankful for in trying times is much stronger than most, hon.

    MJ´s last blog post..A Good First Impression

    Hey MJ!
    Not sure about the God plan thing or whether it makes me stronger but I guess you have to try to focus on whatever good comes out of anything, right? Otherwise you might lose the few remaining brain cells you have left, huh? 😉
    Annie

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  4. It’s sad when terrible things happen, but to use them as wake up calls – changing our lives for the better (as much as we can in our limited ways) – has got to be better than allowing anyone to think that the events didn’t affect us. Well, that’s what I think anyway. 🙂

    teeni´s last blog post..Search Terms from March 2009

    Hey Teens,
    I suppose you’re right. It’s better to be affected than to have nothing affect you?
    Annie

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  5. Hi Annie,

    Starting to worry about you!

    the Grit

    the Grit´s last blog post..What they don’t tell you

    Hey Grit!
    Aw, that’s sweet. Don’t worry, I’m a very tough little sonofagun and I always manage to weather the storm. It has been a little strange though, I must admit. It’s been a rough ride. But then, people go to amusement parks on purpose for such things and I’m getting one for free. See, that’s the bright side, right? 😉
    Annie

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