Letting Go…

stranger

is something I’ve had trouble with in my life. The first time I can remember was my first day of school. Oh how I wanted to stay with my Mommy. But she walked me the three blocks to the mean ol’ school in her pretty blue dress, holding my hand as I bit my lip. I sobbed and clung to her skirts as she handed me over to the teacher. No, I wasn’t ready to let go then.

The day I came home from school and discovered that my dog Rusty had been adopted by friends of my parents who had a ‘farm.’ Of course at the time I didn’t know that was parental code for the dog was put down, probably because he liked to dig holes in the yard or something or maybe he was sick? I don’t know. But I thought about him for months after that and would stand at the picture window in the livingroom trying to will him back into my life. Which by the way, didn’t work. I never saw that dog again.

My brother who died too young – who never got to know his kids – who was not with family when he left this earth. Still trying to let that one go.

My dad passing, quite possibly the biggest shock of my life since I knew he would never die – he was too ornery and too cantankerous to die and yet… Over the last ten years the grasp has certainly loosened but, again, still trying to let go of that one too.

Ironically, I was more than ready to let L.A. go – I truly was. So much so that when I returned in some ways it was as though I’d never been here. Things seemed strange and new, odd. And though I’ve returned to many of my old haunts, caught up with friends for the most part and am making baby steps in the direction of getting re-entrenched – it still seems so. Still seems not quite home. I’ve even wondered if I really should have come back here. Clearly, I wasn’t meant to be back east but does it then follow that I was meant to return to California?

And speaking of not letting go – yeah, it’s a tough one. Because my heart doesn’t want to let go. Even though my head is saying I must. And I trust my head, it’s usually right – almost always right. It knows that if I’m really going to re-entrench, put some sort of life back together and get on with things that that closed, clenched fist has to open. Has to let go. Because I don’t know about you guys but I’ve yet to finesse the art of making time stand still, of undoing bad decisions, of unsaying stupid things, of holding onto what doesn’t want to be held.  I only know to tell myself, “One day at a time, yes?”

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7 thoughts on “Letting Go…

  1. Yes. One day at a time.
    And one glass of wine each night.
    And one (large) piece of chocolate cake whenever you see one.

    (((HUGS))) Good luck (re)adjusting.

    Hey MJ,
    I like the wine and chocolate cake combo. Not sure it will help with readjustment or my thighs but it sure does give you that all over warm feeling, doesn’t it? 😉
    Annie

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  2. I had that experience not long ago — the running off to the Northeast to start a new life and the returning not long after, only to discover “home” really didn’t look or feel like home anymore. It looked older, tired, spent. If I was going to have to go through all the work of reestablishing roots, it might as well be in a place that was inviting and exciting and the stuff of dreams — Denver. My letting go, as it turned out, was not for the Northeast, but for the lifelong dream.

    PiedType´s last blog post..It’s Earth Day 2009; wake up, people!

    Hey 30,
    I didn’t know you went through a similar kind of thing. Sorry. I know how very disorienting it can be. Looks like though you turned lemons into lemonade – I’m hoping I can do the same. Fingers crossed.

    Hugs,
    Annie

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  3. one day at a time … yes and one day at a time is so much better than one minute at a time which i remember how it was for me three years ago and soon one day at a time becomes a full life again. if that makes any sense.

    much love, xo

    darlene´s last blog post..softly speak

    Hi Dar,
    Yes, one minute at a time – I’m thru that part anyway and it is rough. I know you’re right, I really do, it’s just getting there. Seems like such a very long path, you know? One day at a time…

    Love
    Annie xo

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  4. I don’t know what all you’re letting go of, but I do understand the feelings you’re feeling. I’m letting go of something I thought would lead me to my destiny and all of it over the last four years has let go of me. I’d been wandering without any visible aim until this past fall.

    James´s last blog post..Life After Death

    An odd feeling, isn’t it? Glad you found something for yourself though.
    Annie

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  5. Jeez, I didn’t know “farm” was a euphemism for putting a dog to sleep. When I was 11 my mom sold our dog to people who had a “farm” so he could have more room. Maybe it was all a big hoax…

    Sandra L.´s last blog post..I have nothing to say…

    Yikes, Sandra…I dunno. I do know that in my case it was code for ‘we put him down.’ I’m hoping it wasn’t in your case though. 😦
    Annie

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  6. Hey chicky! Hopefully writing is helping you with letting go. All I know is that you are not a weak person and you will find your way in this life journey. And even if you don’t think you’ve found it, it will find you. A good support system is always handy for the rough times though.

    teeni´s last blog post..Blog Friendship Box Update April 2009

    Hey Teens,
    Writing has always been good for me that way. I like the idea that it will find me – I wonder, would I be that lucky? 😆

    Love,
    Annie

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  7. I found it strange coming home to the town I grew up in after being away for 18 months. I think it had more to do with me needing to deal with the the end of the relationship that saw me come home than home being different.

    I hope things feel more normal for you soon.

    One day at a time is the only way to do it.

    Mistress B´s last blog post..Lest We Forget

    Hey B,
    Good point – yes, I can relate to that totally. Maybe most of the change really is internal it just doesn’t seem that way, eh? Thanks, honey.

    Annie

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