Letters I’ll Never Send

letters i'll never send

Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve found that writing down things that troubled me, helped. Something about the process of putting my worries, fears and thoughts to paper gave me perspective. Like opening a box whose contents you fear, once you actually lift the lid and see what’s there, it’s not so scary anymore.

Sometimes my life is very calm and smooth and that’s my preference – I’ve never liked conflict. I find it unsettling and disruptive. I like to be creative and enjoy life, especially the ordinary things that one would consider simple pleasures – the smell of blooming roses, the warmth of the sun on my arms, the sound of little children giggling, puppy dogs, kittens, a great cup of coffee – you get the picture.

Other times, life is a dark storm hovering over the horizon, threatening and bruising the sky with doubts and fears. It gives me such aches and pains. That clutch in my guts, the dread of opening my eyes in the morning, the fear of sleeping at night because I know the next day will be worse than the one that has ended. Not a pretty thing. Horrible, in fact.

When it gets really bad and I can’t still the noise in my head, I write. Sometimes I write a lot. I write down all the tempetuous conversations that rattle inside my head. I write letters to people who I need closure with, that I can’t get otherwise. And sometimes it works. Sometimes just the act of putting it all down and then shoving it into a drawer makes it settle down. I don’t know if other people do this or if I’m just the oddest of ducks, but for me – it works.

Rarely (if ever) do I send these letters, because these letters are for me. They are for my perspective. For my edification. For my clarity. Little boxes to put my demons into I guess you’d say, and I find that once I have them there I don’t need to release them upon the world. And that’s a good thing.

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6 thoughts on “Letters I’ll Never Send

  1. Hi Annieo,

    Great post and one which I have read a few times as I can identify with quiet a lot here. I have written for near 25 years now, all my troubles all my worries all my demons all my joys all my pleasures most of my experiences and loads of letters where I have been very honest with myself and with whom I’m writing the letter to.

    If I could I would have taken some of the letters back and put them in the little box you talk about here. I give of myself so much in my writing and over this past few years there are three letters that I wish I would have put in the box – I’ve felt for the people who have had to read them – The Wrath of Di – but in one respect I’m relieved that I have wrote them as vunerable as I made myself to be. The letters gave me closure, but thinking about it maybe I can find closure with out like you say – without having to release it to the world.

    Thanks for this post Annie.
    Love Di.

    Hey Di,
    I think we all have our own ways of getting closure. For me, it’s this. For you – something else. I used to send the letters too but really I discovered it was more the act of putting the words to paper that helped me, than actually sending them off to a recipient. Don’t know why, but it’s true. Glad you enjoyed the post. 🙂

    Annie xo

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  2. Hi Annie can I just come back to this for a moment please. As you know I’m a recovery addict or drug user how ever one wants to class it and now I feel to be in recovery from my 12 step programming. 12 step recovery requires so much writing,writing about oneself. As we know I’m no writer but bloody hell have I wrote over the past 20 odd years Step 8 is this.

    Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

    Annie over the years I have written and posted the most pityful letters ever almost begging for peoples forgivness spewing out all my emotional vomit. There are three letters which I wish I had never posted this year but over the years of me working the 12 step programme there are so many letters that I wish I had never posted, never sent to the recipient. I am truly sorry for hurting people with my using but the person I hurt the most is me. I make amends to me now.

    Thanks again for this post Annie. It truly got me to thinking about my writing and what I need or don’t need to write to people or on my blog and thinking about it the majourity of my writing has all be about POOR ME.

    I’m not doing the POOR ME posts any more.
    Love
    Di.
    Again thanks for this post Annie. xx

    Hey Di,
    You can come back a thousand times if you want to.

    Wow, I like where you’ve gotten on this. Yes, it’s time to make amends to yourself. People often overlook that sort of detail I think. And you’re right, it’s not about the poor me, stuff. It’s about self-respect, self-esteem, integrity and being true to oneself. I really get you on this. And I say, ‘brava!’ Well done, my dear.

    Love
    Annie

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  3. Writing has always been my way of getting the ugly out, the worry, the anger; a way to share my discoveries and joys. i mean i write fiction as well, but even in that, my chrarcters will often express the feelings and thoughts i have which i am unable to express myself in the day-to-day.

    Writing is like a cleanse.

    Hey Chica,
    Maybe it’s one of those writerly things – or those of us who are just communicators at heart -whether live or through the written word. I find writing the same – it’s my process too, always has been and always will be. But it’s sometimes hard for others to understand it – that process – don’t you find that’s true?

    Hear hear writing is like a cleanse Oh yeah. I’d have to say it’s the best spiritual soap ever made. 😉
    Annie

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  4. What a blessing this post has been. While I don’t hate conflict, in fact I occasionally seek it out, this has been a good reminder to let the shit go and move on. Thanks for your words.

    Hello Un-rev & welcome. Well, thank you for your words – too kind, really. But yeah, let the shit go and move on – it’s bound to be more healthy in the long run, you know?
    WC

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  5. I do this too. Not in awhile. But there is one letter I wrote in the wee hours of the am in search of closure. Not sure if I ever got it…lol.

    Hey Kimmie, well at least we are two odd ducks then. LOL.

    As to closure, that is a tricky devil, isn’t it? Sometimes it takes more than one letter, sometimes it takes more than twenty letters – still, I think if you keep at it, it works. I don’t know really what I’m talking about – I just know that it works for me – at least, most of the time.

    Annie

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  6. There’s a relationship I need to end, but I don’t think I am brave enough to do it in the flesh. I’ve thought about writing her a letter and never sending it. That may be one way to get closure. It’s a painful situation, and it’s bugging the hell out of me.

    My husband says sometimes you just don’t get closure. But I need it on this one.

    Thanks for posting, Annie.

    Hey Sandy,
    I understand, I really do. You could try writing the letter and see if that helps. You don’t really have anything to lose and maybe you will get some closure for yourself. Or maybe writing the letter will help to clarify your thoughts for yourself and that’s what you need? I feel for you, I know just how miserable this kind of situation can make a person.

    Hugs,
    Annie

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