Suppressed – Theme Friday

I feel suppressed and wound tightly into a knot of unsettled flesh – jittery synapse – chattering teeth. Folded over myself and fused into the mold of anonymity. Friends aren’t friends and enemies make odd overtures – like music out of time, steps out of sync.

We all have our own strange process for coping. The multi-leveled mirror that looks funhouse to others but logical to us. Chocolate cake. Road rage. Kick the cat. Clean the floorboards. Smile without mirth, grin with depression and mock those who look happy on the outside.

“It’s not forever.”  My mantra – and it leaks out of the side of my mouth when no one is listening. Pacing, my aerobics. Cigarettes and coffee my reassurance that I still exist.

And I fall to troubled sleep and dream of disaster. I wake to harsh sun and dread for breakfast. Still, I put one foot in front of the other as Mother taught me. I keep my head high to hide my low heart. I speak with confidence I do not feel but know will come back to me. Some day.

I was not made to obey a master. To punch a time clock. To travel with commuters en masse toward a dismal work-a-day life. I worry that people see that in me. That my secret is out. I strive to push me further down into my soul so I can continue to pretend until I don’t have to be a me that I am not.

Until then, I walk quietly with open ears and carry a big notebook.

What is suppressing Christine?

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3 thoughts on “Suppressed – Theme Friday

  1. Annie,

    Well done! And here’s hoping you soon break free of the 9-to-5 image you must perpetuate!

    – JOS

    Hey JOS!
    Absolutely – here’s to breaking the chains that bind us. Although, I’m starting to seriously wonder if I’m not the maker of my own chains. It’s something to think about, don’t you think?

    Annie

    Like

  2. From your stunning- and I do mean stunning– opening lines,to your hopeful close, this piece satisfies. I love the tumbling of feelings. I see the longing for dreams, the suppressed anger at the present and the knowledge that something better is coming, the perseverance of the speaker.

    I will keep this with me as I stock shelves this holiday season. It is not forever- I hope and pray and beg…

    And in the interim I, too, will carry a big notebook. 🙂

    ~C

    Hey Chica,
    Don’t you love it when ‘stunning’ words tumble out and you’re not even trying? 😉 No…this is not forever. Not for you – not for me. In fact, not for any of us. It’s been a tough year I think for all of us but we’re going to perservere and ultimately get to that place we’re striving for.

    So…stock shelves, hum Christmas carols and keep your notebook tucked under your Santa Hat…I have a feeling you’re going to need it. 😉
    Love
    Annie

    Like

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