Every year I take a stab at predicting the future with questionable results. Doris Day likes to croon, “The future’s not ours to see” – still it doesn’t stop us from trying.
Now that I have downed my double half-caf chai latte and have gotten in touch with the vibes of the universal future I predict:
1. Now that global warming has been discredited and the email scandal has been blown wide open, the term global warming will not be uttered. An obscure scientist from Boise, Iowa will start a new movement known as Global Manipulation, ironically this new movement will have the same characteristics of global warming though, without Algore and the social stigma attached to it. Which will give it new life and give chicken littles everywhere a chance to mass produce new tee shirts, mouse pads and bumper stickers.
2. An outbreak of horse flu will scare the nation into avoiding rodeos and dude ranches and fashionistas will finally have to stop wearing cowbody boots with evening gowns.
3. Tea parties will become the social media events of the day and require attendance in the real world and force people to actually do something.
4. A big-haired granny will be caught with a cherry bomb in her corsette while trying to board a plane and corsettes will be banned on all domestic and international flights. This will cause the bra industry to collapse and the return of the braless granola girl look to high fashion. Young stupid actresses everywhere will embrace this new look, relieved they no longer have to have boob jobs.
5. The 2010 mid-term elections will return a balance of power to Congress and democrats everywhere will teeter on the precipice.
6. When/if the mamoth healthcare (and we use the term loosely) bill manages to pass, a class action lawsuit will be filed by a vast group of conservative middle aged women from across the nation. They will ultimately also end up suing the ACLU for refusing to represent them in said suit and OJ’s dream team will reassemble for the honor of suing the federal government and also the face time on front pages everywhere.
7. Now that Simon Cowell is leaving American Idol the tight tee shirt industry will collapse and throw even more illegal aliens out of work, forcing them to return to Mexico where they can at least get a decent taco.
8. Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer will all appear as character witnesses in the terrorist trials slated to take place in New York, in the hopes that the photo ops can be used in re-election bids later in the year. Additionally, CBS anchorperson, Katie Couric will be tapped to host a new reality show called, Terrorists are People Too, in an efffort to boost her evening newcast ratings.
9. And finally, President Obama will have a sugary, caffiene-heavy soda named after him called Bama-Pop. However, it will be pulled immediately from the market due to side effects which include trash talking and messiah complexes
How about you, what do you predict?