conflict, writer chick talks

I never liked conflict. Some people thrive on it. And, some even like to cause it so they can feed from it. I’ve never understood the appeal. Personally, I find conflict nerve wracking, nauseating and really counter productive.

I grew up in a large family, with two brothers and sisters and a set of parents who rarely saw eye to eye. Though in defense of my dad, he didn’t like conflict either. My mother on the other hand seemed to need it. I don’t know why—perhaps it made her feel alive. Perhaps the rush of adrenaline and the intense emotions made her blood course, her heart pound and imparted a sense of euphoria. It could be. Or maybe she was unhappy because the course of her life didn’t follow the path she expected. I learned in my adult years that my mother was a talented artist and I was shocked because there was never a hint of artistic desire displayed when we all lived under one roof. It saddens me that my mother didn’t pursue her art in some way. Although it does explain her almost manic encouragement of my writing.

Anyway, conflct…the family history certainly contributed to my abhorrence of it. Also if all that crap about being a middle child is correct, then by nature I’m a mediator, a peace keeper—someone seeking mutual agreement and happiness of those around her. Sounds nice in theory but the downside is that you turn into a pleaser, which is good for others but often works against you.

There is a difference between a pleaser and a doormat, although many miss the finer nuances. A pleaser attempts to accomplish peace, a doormat wants to be stepped on. A pleaser will sacrifice for the greater good, while a doormat sacrifices to acheive victimhood. You can’t piss off a doormat but you sure as hell can piss off a pleaser. And if you do, watch out. It takes an awful lot to anger a pleaser, to surpass their patience and willingness to understand and defer. But it can be done. And once you piss off a pleaser there is no more stubborn creature on earth.

Pleasers don’t like to fight but if forced into a corner no one goes toe to toe better than a pleaser. Patience and understanding does not equal weakness. Truth be told if you try to force a pleaser, they can make shock and awe look like child’s play. And then you’re going to see some serious conflict. So yeah…conflict…hate it but I don’t run from it either.

copyright 2010

2 thoughts on “Conflict

  1. Good post, and I agree with you. I don’t like drama.
    I realize there are real issues that need to be handled, but they need a clear head and pause.
    I see so much “drama” these days. People just react, they don’t think, count to 10, nothing. This creates more drama. And yes, there does seem to be a sense of “thriving”.
    I don’t get it.

    When you live in a household when this goes on a lot, like I did, and you finally get away from it. You look for ways to settle conflict even before it happens. Maturely, sensibly, and leave the drama for the soap operas… Real life deserves more.

    Hi Barbara and welcome.
    Yes, drama is best left to the theater. I agree with your observations too – people do just react without thinking or pausing or anything. Which just makes it worse and sometimes you have to wonder if that isn’t intentional too. What a world. lol

    Thanks for your thoughtful comments.


  2. Hi Annie,

    Conflict ! Hmm ! Had so much conflict of recent but mostly within myself ~ I don’t know which I prefer, at least where theres conflict with otheres theres a sense of a quick fix feeling as you let of steam and kick off ~ still don’t like it though.

    I don’t like being challanged conflictivly, I do like a bit of a challange but not with conflict ,with care and love eh! You wanna see what its been like in my house with my 18 year old boy ( and all his mates ) for the past few years, conflict city. I’m as bad as there are but these past few months conflicts seem to be lessoning within myself, my kids and my family.

    I was smiling as I was reading what you said about pissing off the pleaser. OMG its more than what your lifes worth to piss off a people pleaser. Hehe ! Explosion city. I enjoyed reading a little about your family , its such a shame that your mum never persued her art, she’s probably stuck now with all that creative tension. It’s never too late though eh!
    Great Post Annie
    Love Di.

    Hey Di,
    Yup, conflict has its ups and downs, doesn’t it? I supppose really when you think about it the conflict all starts within each of us. And after sorting out our own heads, the conflict never seems as bad as it was, does it?

    I’m glad to hear things are calming down around your universe – that’s a good thing.

    Stay in touch.



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