You Might be a Candidate for a Pat-down if…

Wow, lots of hoopla about current airport security measures of late. I have to say that they do seem extreme. In their rush not to be racially profiling, it seems the TSA has taken it to an absolute fault. Frisking nuns, children, and even teddy bears, when as far as I can tell they don’t fit the profile. Boy them terrorists must really be laughing at us pretty hard. I mean for an actual young, adult male of middle-eastern descent to be pulled for an extended search, he would have to shave his beard and body hair, exchange his turban for a baseball cap, bleach his hair and don designer sunglasses.

Based on recent reading I’ve developed a list of what might make a merry traveler raise the red flag for the ol’ pat-down – you might be a candidate for a pat-down if…

1. You look harmless, excessively white or Christian.
2. You refuse to give up your binky and teddy bear while walking through the metal detector.
3. You use a walker or are wheelchair bound.
4. You voice concern about being radiated by the full body scanners.
5. You’re a young, beautiful college student and your dad appears to be a Republican.
6. You’re dressed as a pilot or a flight attendant.
7. You’re too old and/or frail to raise your arms over your head whilst spread eagle.
8. You express distress over a complete stranger seeing your naked image on a monitor (forget about asking if they destroy the images and how you might verify that).
9. You’re under three feet tall and don’t have a strong lobby in Washington D.C.
10. You’re a pretty, inquisitive, conservative radio talk show host.
11. You tell an agent not to touch your junk.
12. You argue about giving up your four ounce bottle of sunblock.
13. You have artificial body parts, surgical pins, prosthesis, pace-maker or a navel ring.
14. You are wearing a skirt or other bulky clothing (middle eastern garb excepted).

Conversely, you are probably pretty safe from a pat-down if…

1. You carry a prayer rug with you.
2. You are a young adult male of middle-eastern descent.
3. You are wearing a burkah or a face mask.
4. You adjust yourself because the gunpowder in your boxers is really irritating your nads.
5. You speak little to no english and are wearing sand-encrusted sandals.
6. You have goats milk in your sippy cup.
7. You call the TSA agent a white, American devil.
8. You seem disoriented and are muttering to yourself about the great satan.

I don’t know about you but I won’t be flying the unfriendly skies for a while. Until security is about security rather than incompetence – about pro-action rather than reaction – I think I’ll just take a bus or something.

How about you – like those pat downs? Are you that lonely? And feel free to add to the list.

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