You Might be a Candidate for a Pat-down if…

Wow, lots of hoopla about current airport security measures of late. I have to say that they do seem extreme. In their rush not to be racially profiling, it seems the TSA has taken it to an absolute fault. Frisking nuns, children, and even teddy bears, when as far as I can tell they don’t fit the profile. Boy them terrorists must really be laughing at us pretty hard. I mean for an actual young, adult male of middle-eastern descent to be pulled for an extended search, he would have to shave his beard and body hair, exchange his turban for a baseball cap, bleach his hair and don designer sunglasses.

Based on recent reading I’ve developed a list of what might make a merry traveler raise the red flag for the ol’ pat-down – you might be a candidate for a pat-down if…

1. You look harmless, excessively white or Christian.
2. You refuse to give up your binky and teddy bear while walking through the metal detector.
3. You use a walker or are wheelchair bound.
4. You voice concern about being radiated by the full body scanners.
5. You’re a young, beautiful college student and your dad appears to be a Republican.
6. You’re dressed as a pilot or a flight attendant.
7. You’re too old and/or frail to raise your arms over your head whilst spread eagle.
8. You express distress over a complete stranger seeing your naked image on a monitor (forget about asking if they destroy the images and how you might verify that).
9. You’re under three feet tall and don’t have a strong lobby in Washington D.C.
10. You’re a pretty, inquisitive, conservative radio talk show host.
11. You tell an agent not to touch your junk.
12. You argue about giving up your four ounce bottle of sunblock.
13. You have artificial body parts, surgical pins, prosthesis, pace-maker or a navel ring.
14. You are wearing a skirt or other bulky clothing (middle eastern garb excepted).

Conversely, you are probably pretty safe from a pat-down if…

1. You carry a prayer rug with you.
2. You are a young adult male of middle-eastern descent.
3. You are wearing a burkah or a face mask.
4. You adjust yourself because the gunpowder in your boxers is really irritating your nads.
5. You speak little to no english and are wearing sand-encrusted sandals.
6. You have goats milk in your sippy cup.
7. You call the TSA agent a white, American devil.
8. You seem disoriented and are muttering to yourself about the great satan.

I don’t know about you but I won’t be flying the unfriendly skies for a while. Until security is about security rather than incompetence – about pro-action rather than reaction – I think I’ll just take a bus or something.

How about you – like those pat downs? Are you that lonely? And feel free to add to the list.

copyright 2010

4 thoughts on “You Might be a Candidate for a Pat-down if…

  1. I’m flying on Tuesday from Mexico through LA and have been considering all day about refusing the full scan and asking for the patdown. Should I carry a teddy? Wish I was flying on Wednesday so I could be “protesting” along with the others. You’re hilarious. Loved colliding with your blog today.

    Hey Patricia – Welcome.

    Oh…I don’t envy you your flying experience. The teddy bear might help, especially if you have a little pepper spray stowed in his heiny. Much as it’s nice to have company, I think anybody standing up to these tools is a pretty brave person. Feel free to come back and report what happened during your pat down. I probably could find you a deal on a bus pass though, if you’re in the L.A. area. 😆

    Thanks for your comments and please feel free to collide here again, any time.



  2. Oh to get the pat down…what wonder…what a feeling…..greasy fast food covered pudgy fingers rubbing my body and probing my crevices.

    “Where are you hiding the weapons?” a deep gruff voice says over my shoulder.

    That’s odd, I think. I didn’t think she would sound like that. “What weapons? I don’t have any weapons.”

    “That’s not good enough. I know you have some weapons hidden somewhere on your pale, vampire like body. Take off your clothes – I gotta see you nek-ked.”


    Hey J – welcome,
    Quite a little dialogue you’ve got going there. Hope it was good for you. 😉


  3. Sooner or later, I’ll have to fly again. And nothing in my 67 years allows for strangers to touch my privates or see me naked. The whole thing is outrageous, on so many levels.

    Hey Girl,
    Well as far as I can tell I won’t have to fly again if I don’t want to …. I hope. Personally, I don’t know why they don’t use K-9s if they truly suspect someone is a potential threat. Yup wrong, so many levels – you could do endless op-eds on it, it’s so wrong. What I find interesting is that people are now coming out and telling what happened to them, now that others have come forward. Kind of reminds me of how it works sometimes with abuse victims – they say nothing, then when they learn others have had the same experience they feel safe enough to come forward. Wonder where this will lead.



  4. I agree. I have not flown for more than three years because I do have surgical pins in my left arm and hip, a bright white beard and, what some have called angry, blue eyes. The last time I flew they put me in the roped off standing area in full sight of everyone in the terminal and I had to ask for a supervisor because the incompetent who was searching my two small bags couldn’t seem to finish the job. I don’t care for commercial air travel anyway because it is unpleasant even if I didn’t have to show my boarding pass and six IDs, five of which have pictures of my ever so handsome face, every fifty feet all the way into the aircraft.
    I did enjoy their reaction when I told them I could fly and I have 95 jumps.
    I always waited until after I had provided all the required documentation and was walking away from the baggage scanner before I mentioned those little details.
    If one of them really annoyed me I would wait until they were done and ask if they had a high school diploma or if one was required for that job. I know that probably made things a little worse for those in line behind me but I couldn’t refrain, another reason I no longer choose to fly. mr.chertoff should be subjected to a full body scan by one of his “Big Brother” machines at least once a day until they have been tested by an independent lab.

    Hey Donald & welcome,
    My favorite pet peeve are the liquid police – they make great deals over testing your shampoo and sunblock and even when it tests negative you still can’t have it back. Kind of makes you wonder if they have a sundry shop px for the TSA guys after shift from which they can choose from all the free stuff they got. Or do they just toss it and add to the landfills?

    Angry blue eyes, eh? Yeah, that would encourage a pat-down since people who try to intimidate especially dislike people who won’t be intimidated – although brown contacts and a prayer rug might be handy travel tools that could keep you moving in line.

    Happy trails. 🙂



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