A new year is just around the corner and considering the year that we just had, I can’t imagine what might happen next…well, actually I can imagine. Though I skipped last year in this annual tradition, I pick up again, where we last left off and offer the following predictions about the fun and games I believe is coming to a future near you.
Writer Chick predicts that in 2013…
- Genetically modified foods will be outlawed by Congress – but every major food company will receive a waiver from following the law under a little known provision in Obamacare.
- Science will discover that both dogs and cats possess the ‘pet gene’ and that they can’t help what they do because DNA made them that way.
- NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg will successfully ban baseball bats within city limits. His justification for the ban will be that the wrong hands baseball bats are dangerous weapons (and he couldn’t get the gun owners to give up their guns), forcing both the NY Yankees and the NY Mets to become the first ever national stick ball teams.
- The United States will experience an unusually pleasant summer with no triple digits or droughts. This will prompt climate alarmists to spearhead a Congressional investigation into climate tampering. Al Gore will be the star witness and he will submit tens of affidavits showing that people just aren’t sweating – and that ain’t natural.
- The first ever personal injury lawsuit for bodily injury will be filed against a bicyclist for running over a pedestrian while texting his boyfriend.
- The ACLU will file a billion dollar lawsuit against the State of Michigan for passing a right to work law, claiming that only union members have a right to work. The Mayor of Detroit will lobby to have the trial held in his city because it is a tourism opportunity that will bring the besieged city some much needed revenue.
- The ACLU will also file a multimillion dollar lawsuit against NBC’s The Biggest Loser, claiming defamation and injury to obese people everywhere. Among the joint-plaintiffs in the class action suit will be fat celebrities such as: Michael Moore, Oprah Winfrey, Kirstie Alley, CeeLo Green, Meatloaf, Kathleen Turner, and Fat Albert.
- Scientists will crack the secret language of flowers only to discover that they are all blonde narcissists by nature.
- McDonald’s will roll out a new menu item called, the Obama-Combo, endorsed by First Lady Michelle Obama. The combo will consist of a side of baked apple fries, a garden salad dressed with lemon juice, and a dry burger made of twigs and nuts, served on a whole grain roll. The combo will be the first McDonald’s entree to come in at under 200 calories.
- A new Fox drama called “The Fiscal Cliff” will premiere in January. The show follows the lives of a group of corrupt law makers and journalists trying to convince the American public that they can be trusted with the financial future of the country and of course, all the wild hi-jinx that goes along with such a premise. Should be a hit, methinks.
- An updated version of the Mayan calendar will be discovered and the media will gleefully report we have four more years till the end of the world.
Well, those are my predictions – feel free to add your own. What do you think will happen in 2013?