Every year, I dust off my crystal ball and look into it to see what we can expect in the future. It’s not an exact science but it is fun and heck, sometimes I even get a couple right. And so, Writer Chick predicts that in 2014…
- The Democrats will get trounced in the mid-term elections and the Republicans will hold the House of Representatives and take back the U.S. Senate. This will largely be due to the growing unpopularity of Obamacare, which conservative campaigners will refer to as ‘the gift that keeps on giving.’ Dennis Kucinich will float a bill to change the name of the healthcare law to the Un-Affordable Care Act. However, as is the case with all the congressman’s bills, it will be largely ignored.
- Not ones to be upstaged, the progressives will start a grassroots group to counteract the Tea Party and they will call it the Vitamin Water Party. Sadly, the group will get no traction because everybody will hate the name.
- Miley Cyrus will find Jesus, stop twerking and post endless selfies of herself dressed as Mary Magdalena all over her Facebook page.
- The Beyonce’s lip syncing scandal will revive when it is learned that she has been lip syncing all along and in fact we have been listening to weird Al Yankovich as run through a ‘dirty mamma’ voice synthesizer.
- Kanye West’s head will spontaneously combust while being interviewed on the O’Reilly factor, while trying to keep his promise of never criticizing anyone ever again.
- So You Think You Can Dance adds twerking as a dance form to its repertoire and the opening show features a twerking number choreographed by the chick with the weird hair style and all those tattoos.
- Apple will release a new hands-free iPhone app that enables the user to take selfies by saying ‘shoot me.’
- Due to all the controversy surrounding Obamacare, Kathleen Sebelius will resign and appear on the Apprentice as a mid-life contestant looking for a fresh career path. Unfortunately, her lack of personal responsibility will result in being called into the boardroom so that the Donald can say, “You’re Fired!”
- Former President George W. Bush is finally embraced by the left when he becomes the Andy Warhol of famous politicians. That’s what we get for mis-underestimating him.
- The first driver-less car will hit the roads in late 2014 and will promptly cause a 27 car pile-up on the 405 freeway. Personal injury lawyers will then commence to argue for the next twenty years over who has legal liability for the victims of the crash.
- The city of Washington D.C. will create its own lottery and it will be named Lobby-Lotto. While billions will be spent, no one will ever win and after extensive congressional hearings we will learn that the money is in an offshore account that even Edward Snowden can’t hack into.
- In an effort to expand the First Lady’s healthy body program, the TSA will install state-of-the-art weight scales that all air travelers must weigh in on before flying. Those who refuse will be ticketed and sent to Jillian Michaels for forced obesity counseling. Those whose BMI exceeds the national norms will get a $50 surcharge added to their ticket and their peanuts will be given to another passenger.
- Northern Californians will be successful in their quest to form a new state which will be known as the People’s Republic of California. The state’s constitution will include prohibitions on smoking (unless it’s weed), fat consumption (unless it’s foie gras), speaking English, and heterosexual lifestyles. Children and Republicans will not be allowed entry into the new state, without adult supervision.
- A talking dog will be discovered and interviewed and humans will be astounded to learn that dogs don’t actually think.
- And finally… Occupy Wall Street will resurrect its movement by enlisting homeless zombies who feel disenfranchised by people in general and society as a whole. The new grassroots soldiers will descend on the White House on Christmas Day, chanting, ‘brains! We don’t need no stinking brains. Unfortunately, FEMA will discover that ordinary drones have little effect on the Zombie swarms and a mob mentality sets in with government workers, desperate to find helmets to protect their brains.
As always, feel free to add your own predictions to the list.
Oh and by the way, Happy New Year. I hope I’ve given you a laugh or two to start off the new year right.