You Know You’ve Gotten Too Fat When…

fat lady

Way back when I wrote this post, “You Know You’ve Gotten too Fat When…” It was very popular (go figure). Due to technical difficulties, among other things, the original post was lost. I try here to recreate it:

You know you’ve gotten too fat when:

1. Your closet is divided into fat clothes and skinny clothes and the skinny clothes are pretty dusty.
2. All your jeans have elastic in the waist and even those you can’t button.
3. The dishes rattle when you walk into the kitchen to get a snack.
4. Your room mate has put a padlock on the fridge and won’t give you the combination.
5. The lady at the airport check in counter gives you two boarding passes – one for you and one for your ass.
6. Your ass has its own zip code
7. When you attend dinner parties, the hostess always waits until you leave the table to offer seconds.
8. Your nickname is Godzilla
9. Cleveland won’t allow you entrance anymore because they are afraid you will eat it.
10. You’re ambidexterous – also known as a two-fisted eater.
11. Your ‘baby fat’ could supply enough fat for ten babies.
12. As soon as you get into your car it becomes an instant ‘low rider.’
13. At the last 5K run you registered 2.5 on the Richter Scale.
14. When you wear your yellow dress, people mistake you for a school bus.
15. The employees at Home Town Buffet cringe when you walk in the door because they know they don’t have enough food.
16. You’re on the McDonald’s ‘watch list.’

As usual, feel free to add to the list.

Writer Chick

10 Signs You Belong in an Adult Day Care Center

adult day care center

In recent years I’ve noticed that Adult Daycare Centers have been established. I must say I did have to strain my brain to figure out what the heck those were. I certainly know what Daycare Centers are, they are places where working parents leave their children during working hours, so they can go work to earn the money to pay for the daycare. Kind of like gang babysitting I guess.

However, Adult Daycare Centers was a new concept for me and I had to wonder under what circumstance an adult needed to be babysat (babysitted???) and why. The following is what I came up with:

1. You just can’t get the hang of those easy pull-up Depends and need the assistance of a snarly orderly to make them fit.
2. Your daughter-in-law can’t afford to let you fingerpaint on her livingroom walls anymore.
3. You like your gin tonics in a sippy cup.
4. Story-time is the highlight of your day.
5. The last time you were left home alone you burned down the kitchen making jello because you got too interested in what Oprah was saying.
6. You need to sharpen your socialization skills.
7. It’s against the law to put a gps chip in your neck (so far).
8. Your radical views about the Constitution scare people.
9. Your children can’t control you and don’t have time to watch you every minute.
10. They had some extra stimulus money to waste and the libbies needed a new voting bloc they could depend on.

As usual feel free to add to the list.

WC

Full Circle

rockwell_blackeye

Looks like I’m back where I started. It’s funny how when you go out into the universe with big plans, you get in your new shiny spaceship and start the adventure of a lifetime – only to discover that your destination is home after all. I can’t tell you how true that statement is in my life right now – on so many fronts – it’s mind boggling actually.

But I guess sometimes you have to go ‘out there’ to see what you have ‘right here’ don’t you?

So full circle for me, I’m back right where I started and actually I couldn’t be happier about it.

WC

Drama

woe is me

When I was in my twenties, I didn’t truly feel alive unless there was lots of drama around me. Unless my life was just teeming with drama. It made life seem exciting and interesting. Now…not so much.

In fact, if I spend the rest of my life drama-less I’ll be one happy camper. I’ve had more drama than a leather-bound set of Shakespeareian plays on crack, lately. If it’s not one thing, it’s another.

A couple of weeks ago, my sister came to stay with me for a few days. Her friend Marlene came by my house a couple hours before we were to pick up my sister at the airport and we sat around talking. I hadn’t seen Marlene for a few months and so she asked the dreaded question, “So, what’s been going on with you? Why did you move and then come back?”

I shook my head and went into what I hoped was the Reader’s Digest version of my bizarro life for the last year – poor Marlene tried very hard not to laugh but finally bust a gut, apologizing all the while. I laughed too because it was funny. It really was the tale of a very poorly plotted soap opera or sit-com. I mean, truly you can’t make stuff like this up – unfortunately.

It gave me pause after telling the story. I thought, jeez what a freek show you’ve become and I further thought – I don’t want to be a freek show anymore. And I don’t know, a switch clicked or the screw turned or something and I realized while drama was once the bread and butter of my existence, that that changed a long time ago.

That in fact, I don’t like drama – not even a little bit (well, except for my favorite television shows). That really life is too short and there are so many great things in life to be interested in, participate in and partake of that you really don’t need it at all.

So, I’m packing up my drama queen clothes and shipping them off to the thrift store. I’ll miss them from time to time but really they just don’t fit any more.

Meant to Be

meant to be, fate, destiny, chance, change

Meant-to-be-people who subscribe to this way of thinking often believe it only applies to the mysterious and wonderful things in their lives. While I don’t particularly believe in fate, if there is such a thing then I’d have to accept that meant-to-be applies to the good, the bad and the ugly in life. When bad things happen we like to ask why. When good things happen we say, it was meant-to-be. How does that work, exactly? I’m curious. If the good things are meant to be, aren’t the bad also?

I think they are.

But we like to fiddle with fate and outcomes as the whacky, quirky human animals that we are. When things don’t go as planned we like to say, not meant-to-be. Rather than saying, yeah, it was meant to be. It was meant to be over, done, finished. Meant to last but a few moments.

There are a few rare occurences in my life that I truly believed were meant-to-be and you know what, every one of them came to an end. Which I don’t suppose lessens their meant-to-be-ness – but does probably mean that if something is meant-to-be it isn’t necessarily forever. Perhaps that is where we trip up on this meant-to-be idea. Maybe the meant-to-be’s are temporary rather than permanent. Maybe life and all that happens in it is meant-to-be temporary rather than permanent. It could be and to me, that would make more sense. While it isn’t nearly as comforting to believe that something is temporary rather than there for the rest of your life, it is probably more realistic.

Not a Happy Traveler

happy-traveler

Sometime in my not so long ago, I fantasized about how cool it would be to travel. Beyond zipping cross-country a couple of times, I hadn’t seen much of the country or much of anything really and I thought, “yeah, I should travel.”

Apparently, the Universe heard me and as per the rule of Murphy, it’s hearing aide just wasn’t getting the ‘spirit’ of my wish, because though I have done a fair amount of traveling in the last couple of years it’s not exactly what I had in mind…

When I went to Seattle it was to visit my seriously injured friend, head not in a good place to be sure. The flight? Yikes, my ears just couldn’t handle the cabin pressure. Sleeping on hospital floors and children sized waterbeds…yikes again.

From there, we had our whirlwind cross-country trek to Virginia, via Texas (did you know that it’s really freeking hard to get out of Texas? I’m certain there is some sort of Bermuda triangular vortex going on there). And within this time we had the revolving door local travel of apartment to house and then back again. And I have to wonder why is it I have such a talent for choosing to move chunks of stuff when it’s raining? Then the finale was the cross-country trek back to L.A. to Zelda’s and from Zelda’s to the House from Hell and then finally home. Ah…. that was nice, well for about five minutes.

Because then it was time to go to the Cape. Delayed flights, red eyes which meant business because why did I think I could sleep in an aisle seat? To Boston, then the Cape, then all over the Cape then to the bus, back to Logan, to JFK with a 2 hour delay on the tarmac and at last back to L.A. Oh to sleep in my own bed. Noice.

But no, we’re not finished folks because not only did I travel to places, people traveled to me. Well, one person, my sister. Yup, I’m still in hotel mode because we’re nightly disassembling my bed to make it two, sharing the tiniest bathroom on the planet, which she really seems to like a lot given the amount of time she’s in there and don’t’ forget the maid service I apparently agreed to offer, with a little room service thrown in for good measure.

And now that I look back on it all, I have to wonder if I need my head examined. Why on earth did I think I wanted to travel? To live out of suitcases and eat bad food, sleep little to no and inhabit small cramped spaces for long periods of time? Nope, I have to say, I’m not a happy traveler. At least not the way I’ve been doing it. I’m afraid I’m just a homebody at heart. I like waking up in my own bed and eating the food that is in my fridge and parking myself in front of the computer or fooling around in the garden. Buying cigarettes at my favorite shop, knowing ahead of time what the price is and well, just hanging out.

So, it’s official I’m a boring homebody and not a world traveler. Who knew?

So, Universe if you’re listening, I don’t want to travel again – unless it’s first class and there are limo’s and luxury hotels involved and lots of mad money and fluffy, pure, white terrycloth robes and a daily massage involved. Okay? Got that?

How about you? Are you a happy traveler or a cranky one like me?

Browser Hell

browser_engine2, types of browsers, problems with browsers

I don’t know about you but lately I’ve been having a lot of trouble with browsers. Actually, maybe it’s longer than lately. It all started two months ago when I downloaded a funky trojan horse (all because of my love of the Gilmore Girls) and ended up having to reformat my hard drive.

I had been using Firefox, so I thought okay, I’ll download Firefox again – slight problem, ff3 was all that I could find. No good, I tried that once and it wasn’t pretty – so off I went looking for Firefox 2. Luckily I found it. Well, maybe not so lucky since it just didn’t work right like before. Downloads were too long, sometimes ending up in this endless loop.

I decided to try Chrome. That was way too minimal. Back to Firefox. Until it just drove me up the wall the other night. I had been talking to a friend who mentioned she’d been using Chrome, so I thought I’d give it a try again. And I did. For about 36 hours I had Chrome and while it was better than the first time I used it – I lost all my bookmarks, it doesn’t believe in tool bars and I lost my stumble bar. Apparently I had an old version. The new version – nope, not liking that either. Dang!

So today I decided on Opera. Now Opera isn’t so bad – it’s a bit weird on the tab issue and if you close one tab you close them all. It too doesn’t have a stumble bar but it does have all these other weird bars, that are sort of neat and yet annoying at the same time.

Out of frustration I even switched over to Internet Explorer (since there is no way in hell to ever get rid of IE when you have a PC) but it seems to be trying to imitate Firefox and plus I just never liked it very much anyway, so back to Opera.

I toyed with the idea of Flock but its add ons are Firefox and the code is Mozilla based – so it made me decide against it. Also I just couldn’t bear to download yet another browser only to discover I don’t like it either.

It’s things like this that make me realize what a dinosaur I am – I just don’t like the updates that folks do to what originally seem like great little programs. Maybe I just can’t keep up with the times but it seems like either you have to have a browser with everything under the sun or nothing at all. Is there no ‘in between’ browser that I can be happy with?

How about you? What browser do you use? What’s good about it? Is there another browser out there to try that I haven’t mentioned? Thoughts, opinions, rants?

Delerious

castleintheair

Okay gang, so the sleep deprivation has finally caught up with me and the adrenaline has run out – so if you see something dragging, don’t step on it cuz  it’s my ass. (sorry old joke)

I am in fact, home, once again. It feels great and my pets are happy too. In fact, in less than 24 hours things have already begun to turn around. The problem though is that I am starting to hallucinate a little. Do you know how scary it is when imaginary people walk into the room? Don’t try this while you’re driving either. Yikes.

I was so exhausted and so happy to be home yesterday once I dragged all my stuff (and for a person who has nothing, I sure have a lot of shit) over that I couldn’t sleep last night – so…the adventures continue.

I hope that by the time you read this, I’ll have gotten some sleep and can find my way around the blog neighborhood. Thanks for your understanding not just for this but for the whole fiasco that has been the last several months.

Hugs and Kisses

Annie

Getting What You Want

assbackwards, getting what you want, mind over matter

I think most of us can agree that the universe is screwier than Obama’s birth certificate. We’re just going along minding our own business, slogging through life as best we can, keeping our heads down and our fingers crossed – but still the universe will find some way of tripping us up. Right?

You wake up, have a great cup of coffee, the sun is shining, you have a fresh pack of smokes and traffic is light. Great. But then you get to work and discover that there is a power outtage and you failed to print out that report that was due today on Friday before you left for the weekend? Or the parking lot is under construction so you have to park on the street three blocks from the office and run back and forth all day to feed the meter? Or your co-worker just got laid off and you have double the workload with no increase in pay and you are likely going to be putting in extra hours at work just to keep up. Sound familar?

After a while too, we start to train ourselves to expect this sort of thing. The classic Murphy’s Law applies here: “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.” My father had his own version “Hope for the best but expect the worst” I’m sure there are hundreds of variations of this view and all of them came out of the need to be prepared for disaster when and if it strikes. To expect problems and have a backup solution handy just makes sense. Right? Maybe not.

I’ve thought about this lately – in my case I’ve been traveling the universe for months looking for a home. A place where I can truly unpack my belongings and stay there a while. This goal has eluded me and has been a game of cat and mouse and frankly it’s really sucked. I definitely felt a victim of the universe. Nightly I would implore God, “What do I have to do to find a home?” or something like that. Never feeling I got an answer.

But then I started to wonder if I was making it happen somehow. I was creating all of this temporary living stuff without meaning to. No, I’m not talking about the Secret, where my mind was putting out some weird negative thought and because I was all wrapped up in it I got it. I’m talking about something else. I’m talking about the fact that this freeking universe is bass-ackwards. I’m talking about a trick you need to know in order to somehow survive this obstacle course of life. I’m talking about the fact that the uinverse is rigged. Yup. Rigged.

Whoever created this circus ride called life thought it would be tre’s funny to just make everything go in opposites. Like, if you want something then that means you’ll never get it. The more you pray, desire, crave, covet, etc. the further away it gets from you. Like a magnet in reverse – it just won’t stick. Conversely whatever you don’t want you can get in spades. You dont’ want to be stuck in traffic, so you leave early and voila, there is an accident that sticks you in traffic for 3 hours. You don’t want the object of your affection to leave you and boom, he decides he wants to see other people. You don’t want to gain weight so you stop eating, your metabolism slows and now no matter what you eat, you gain weight. Stuff like that, yes?

So, what’s the solution? To try to trick the universe by pretending you don’t want what you want? Or by pretending you do want the things you don’t want? Wow, that seems complicated, doesn’t it? And what a lot of mental exhaustion you could incur that way. No…I don’t think that would work – at least not with any consistent results. I think the answer is indifference. Let me explain.

Have you ever noticed that when you really don’t care – how things turn out that things turn out pretty good? It’s not that you’re in apathy and don’t want things to turn out well, it’s more that you’re  kind of above it – you’ve decided what you want, how you’re going to get it, the actions you need to take to bring it about and then you just go about your business. You don’t spend two hours a day visualizing it. You don’t amass magazines, construction paper and glue to create ‘story boards’ of it. You just say, “I want this to happen” and then you forget about it. Send it out there and just go about your business. Next thing you know it happens or you get it and you’re even a little suprised by the fact that you didn’t have to ‘work’ it.

I think when things do happen this way it’s because it does trick the universe. You aren’t out there sending it messages of what you must have, must get, must accomplish – in fact, you’re sending it no messages at all. So it has no choice but to give you things. It can’t help itself. It has to give things and you won’t play its game, so you win.

Don’t know if I’m right or wrong but I do think I’m onto something here because this almost always turns out to be true for me, anyway. Why not try it? Just say, ‘oh I want this, and this and this’ and then forget about it. Go about your business. Then be surprised when it happens. Because there is nothing better than nice surprises, huh?