You know when I was a kid I used to love to read or hear about all the crazy, whacko predictions the psychics of the day would make about the coming year. What was really hilarious was how they would (later) try so hard to make the facts of something somehow mold into a prediction they’d made.
So in the spirit of that – I, Writer Chick, shall also make a few predictions sure not to come true – and if any do, it will be purely accidental.
I predict that in 2007:
- Fat people will be outlawed in NYC and if apprehended with a box of oreos, booked for possession of trans-fats.
- Teddy Kennedy will become the new spokesperson for Jenny Craig (maybe Kirstie will lend him her old body shapers?).
- Global warming will cause hot, fresh pizzas to rain from the skys during hurricanes that rail for 30 minutes or less.
- Britney Spears will create her own underwear line called Now you see it – Now you don’t.
- In a tell-all book, Madonna will reveal her favorite moisturizer is embalming fluid.
- Al Gore will invent a hybrid vehicle that runs on gas and electricity and call it the Priestess.
- The ACLU will file a class action lawsuit against the State of Texas in behalf of beef cows, citing slavery and wrongful death as key points.
- Apple will unveil its latest innovation, the BlogPod.
- Stem cell researchers will successfully replicate a conscience and offer it to Hillary Clinton for beta testing.
- Arnold Schwartzeneger will ‘come out’ as a Democrat.
- Rosie O’Donnell will admit on Oprah that she is the victim of a botched sex change operation.
- The first transexual Miss America will be crowned.
- The New York Yankees will win the World Series – by accident.
- Scientists will discover that land masses and ice masses surrounded by water experience erosion, thereby diminishing the size of said mass.
- Inexpicable accidents and scandals will befall any opponents to Senator Clinton in the bid for the Democrat candidacy.
- Barak Obama will blame his ears on President Bush (why not? everything else is his fault.)
- In a daring move, CBS will replace anchorperson Katie Couric with Barney the purple dinosaur – hoping to capture the heretofore untapped demographic of oversized stuffed animals everywhere.
- The medical community will unanimously agree that living is dangerous to one’s healthy and Congress will pass a law that all newborns henceforth will be tatooed with the Surgeon General’s warning of same.
- Michael Moore will premeire his first film based on fact in his biopic called Fat Like Me.
- Maureen Dowd will marry Jim Gilchrist and become a born again Libertarian and start her own newspaper called North of the Border.
- Bob Woodward will admit on 60 Minutes that everything he has ever written is lies and promote his upcoming book, All I know is I Can’t Tell the Truth.
- In an attempt to increase environmental awareness, major designers will develop a machine that can make fabric out of matter recovered in landfills. And use the fabric in their new spring lines. (clothes pins will be issued to all attendees at the Spring showing.)
- Jimmy Carter will become the new spokesperson for Jiff peanut butter, making the claim that it has a little known use as mortar (as demonstrated in the habitat for humanity model homes).
We’ll all be going to Hell in a handbasket. 😉
Okay, those are my predictions…anyone care to offer some of theirs?