Really Stupid Shit


Since the internet is filled with stupid shit, I thought I’d get in on the act. Hence my favorite stupid shit, and stupid shit that is just stupid:

Favorite stupid saying: You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you can’t pick your friend’s nose. (How come?)

Favorite stupid movie: Monty Python’s Holy Grail. I especially love the horses they use and their many special effects.

Favorite stupid food: Artichoke, steamed with mayo for dipping. This is a stupid food because 1) who the hell figured out you could eat it? 2) who the hell figured out how to cook it so you could eat it 3) and  how did anybody convince anybody that you should all sit around an artichoke, pulling off leaves, dunking it in mayo and the scrape the meat off the leaves?

Favorite stupid sign:

Favorite stupid car: The original VW Bug. First of all, who wants to drive something called a bug? It conjures visions of motorized cockroaches or something. Then there is the engine in the back. And of course, the ever popular heating system (has anyone ever felt warm on an icy day in a VW Bug?).

Favorite stupid song: Weird Al Yankovich’s “Eat It.” Nuff said.

Favorite stupid website: – yep there really is a website by this name and you can check it out here. In fact, I purchased many stupid Christmas gifts from them this year and they were a hit. Don’t believe me? Ask Michael at Smoke & Mirrors.

Favorite stupid dance: The pony. For those of you who have never heard of this dance or seen it performed, see if you can find some old American Bandstand reruns. It’s worth it and hysterically funny.

Favorite stupid children’s character: Barney the purple Dragon. Not only is he huge and purple but he is butt-ugly. If I were a kid I’d be afraid of that sucker. And also somebody needs to work on the lyrics for his songs.

Favorite stupid tv show: Friends. A bunch of 20-somethings (who are really a lot older than that) have adventures in the big city. They are all struggling, lost, have career and life issues but live in a really cool apartment in the village, dress in all the latest fashions, go to fancy restaurants for dinners and have problems like jellyfish bites, whether or not to kiss Rachel, getting rid of annoying girlfriends and sibling rivalry. Great fun.

Things that are just stupid:

1. Bicyclists can ride on the open road but cars can’t drive on bike paths.

2. Joggers jog to become more fit and healthy but jog along heavily traveled roads – can you say carbon monoxide?

3. People who don’t pay taxes are pissed that they don’t get refunds.

4. Indecivise customers at fast food restaraunts.

5. Diet coke & chocolate cake.

6. Frisking old ladies at airports in case they’re terrorists.

7. Road construction during rush hour.

8. Cheerleaders at pro basketball games – for that money, they don’t need encouragement to cheer – you bet your ass they’re going to.

9. Pocket protectors – you might as well just stick a post-it on your head that says “Geek & Loser.”

10. Stop signs in California (more like avoid the oncoming car, signs).

Okay – that’s about all the stupid shit I can come up with tonight. I’ll let you know if I think of anything else.


Why Yes, It Is a Wonderful Life – 12 days of xmas #3


I moved to California when I was 20. It was a big dream come true for me as I’d always wanted to live in the land of summer for as long as I could remember. Though when I actually got to the land of milk and honey I experienced some serious culture shock. Having grown up in the midwest I was a bit too much on the wholesome side to have taken easily to some of the things I saw in L.A.

Long story short, after a couple of years I pined for home and family and was terribly lonely. In a moment of insanity I agreed to come home at my mom’s behest. To my utter amazement, my view had changed without my noticing. Almost as soon as I got home my world became so small.

It was winter and the landscape I found depressing. Nothing had changed around the old neighborhood, as though it had frozen in time since I’d last seen it. Don’t get me wrong it was wonderful to see my family and old friends but I still felt like piece out of place. Like a new toy in a box of old favorites. People kept mentioning my California accent and how different I was. It was really quite surreal.

I think I lasted about 6 weeks before I was utterly miserable and wanted to go back to California. This did not go over well with Mom who really wanted me to stay for Christmas at least. I know I should have, I know that as a good daughter I should have let her have her way but there was something inside of me that just wouldn’t let me. I had to go back.

So, a couple of weeks before Christmas Mom and Dad took me to the airport so I could return to the land of summer and apparently my new ‘home’ in the universe. I remember Mom was so upset with me she could hardly speak to me and we all felt kind of sad. I kept telling my dad I was sorry but he just smiled and gave me a hug and said: “It’s okay Babe, you have to follow your dreams. You don’t have nothing without them.” (What a guy, eh?)

So back I went and Christmas was bleak to say the least. I’d given up my apartment and belongings, I literall had nothing but a few clothes and a lot of hope. A friend had offered to let me stay in his extra bedroom for a few weeks until I got re-settled. But he had plans for the holidays and so I was really left on my own.

It was pretty bleak. I think I had a bologna sandwich on Christmas Eve and watched old movies on tv by myself for the night. I was sad and depressed and so conflicted wondering if I’d made a mistake in coming back. I scolded myself for being so indecisive and loopy. That I could at that moment been with family, eating great food and unwrapping presents.

And then it was midnight and officially Christmas. I was alone in front of the tv and couldn’t sleep. A movie came on called “It’s a Wonderful Life.” I’d never seen it and since I wasn’t about to sleep, I decided I might as well watch it.

I know this may sound really stupid and silly but really that movie changed my life. It made me realize that everyone does indeed touch the lives of so many others and that we all have an important and special place in the world. And that Christmas isn’t always about getting your wishes but more about celebrating your life, no matter what it is and where it is. That life offers us choice and second chances continually, if only we keep our eyes and our hearts open.

And though there were no fancy parties, presents or even company for me that year – it was indeed a wonderful Christmas. Because I realized I had a wonderful life too.


What’s Your Favorite?

We all have our favorite Christmas movies – you know the ones that it just isn’t Christmas without? Some of us have our favorite hated Christmas movies (for the bah humbugs among us) which can be fun too.

These are mine:

It’s a Wonderful Life: Jimmy Stewart learns that each man does indeed touch many lives in many ways.

The Bishop’s Wife: David Niven learns that love and family trumps having the biggest, grandest cathedral in the neighborhood.

Love Actually: Hugh Grant finds love as a big surprise.

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn: A tearjerker you will never forget.

White Christmas: Bing Crosby, lots of great show tunes and a sweet act of kindness to a forgotten man.

Serendipity: Does fate really exist? Do people really have soulmates?

The Santa Clause: Can a cynic really become the most beloved character in the world?

The Christmas Carol: Can a man’s heart be turned from stone to gold?

How the Grinch Stole Christmas: The Who’s are irrestible, even to a green, crochety monster.

Miracle on 34th Street: Faith and belief can change your life.

Christmas in Connecticut: A Martha Stewart who can’t cook gets the handsome soldier in the end.

Holiday Inn: Singing and dancing together makes for true love.

The Family Man: Seeing what the road not taken would have made your life.

Surviving Christmas: Buying a family for Christmas is more complicated than it seems.

The Ref: Who needs a marriage counselor when a small time crook can solve all your relationship woes?

Those are mine. What’s yours? And why?


Don’t Get All Bette Davis On Me…

Have you ever seen the movie, All About Eve? It’s about an aging broadway actress who gets duped my her seemingly innocent assistant and nearly loses her career, the love of her life and her friends. It’s a great study in human behavior and a helluva story and I highly recommend it.

The best line in this movie is: “Buckle your seatbelts; it’s going to be a bumpy night.” Davis delivers the line perfectly and then storms up the stairs, deserting her boyfriend and baffled guests who have gathered for a suprise birthday party for Bill (aforementioned boyfriend).

The irony of the scene is that, by her very actions Margo (Davis) is playing right into the hands and plans of Eve (the unassuming, but really backstabbing assistant). Rather than kicking the bitch to the curb and leaving her for the street cleaners, she opts to become more of a victim not less of one.

Occasionally I witness this syndrome in my daily life. Sometimes, to put it bluntly, people get all Bette Davis on me. For example, I know someone who is a nice person, very creative, has a lot of things going for them, but when they get overwhelmed they become a different person. They get all BD on me. They have a problem which they don’t want to face so somehow it becomes my problem. They expend an enormous amount of energy being a drama queen and whining and crying woe is me and then storming up the stairs.

Naturally, this doesn’t solve the problem and after the drama is over, the problem is still sitting there like the proverbial elephant in the room.

And I have to wonder, is it worth it? Is that momentary thrill one gets from the slamming, the yelling and the storming worth all the turbulence and bad feelings it creates? All the damage control that has to be done afterwards? All the time that is wasted in cleaning up the mess?

I mean, think about it. There are real problems in the world. There are people out there who are literally facing life and death, every day. There are children who don’t have food to eat or a safe place to sleep. There people being murdered simply for voicing an opinion. Shouldn’t that give a person some perspective?

Must I listen to some loud-mouthed celebrity yammer on and on about how they have a right to be ignorant? Or some pundit spin this or that? Or whoever go on and on about what a victim they are?

And have you ever noticed, that almost always the people who complain the loudest are those who have the most to be grateful for? It makes me want to be a drama queen. It makes me want to get all Bette Davis on them. It makes me want to make a video and put it on YouTube. You know what I’m saying here?

So the next time, somebody starts whining and screaming and pretends to be your victim just tell em, “Hey man, Bette Davis did that scene already and you’re no Bette Davis!”


Gimme Them Old Time Movies…

I’ve been feeling kind of glum lately. Not too funny, not too fun. It happens sometimes. You know what I mean? The sky isn’t as blue as it usually is – ice doesn’t taste as good as my mind tells me it does. I’ve been working out but my fat ass still knock a small child unconscious.

See what I mean? I mean I don’t really have any reason to feel glum. Nothing is really wrong. Everything is fine, in fact. Still, the glum-bunny that is me mopes about leaving little sighs everywhere she goes, like footprints to the summer of my discontent. Pathetic, huh? I think so too.

So…whenever I feel this way, I lock myself in my room, unplug the phone and whip out my old movies. I don’t know what it is about old movies. Were they really better than what we see today? Did they really connect with people more? Speak to us more? Have a message we could relate to? I dunno – I think maybe they did – but it’s all so subjective. 

I guess it really doesn’t matter because whatever it is they have – they do the trick. Especially musicals with snappy tunes. Nothing like Judy Garland or Fred Astaire to have you bobbing your head or tapping your foot – or even singing along. Nobody did the delayed ‘take’ like Jimmy Stewart. And I could spend hours trying to impersonate Kate Hepburn.

The King and I, My Fair Lady, It’s a Wonderful Life – any ‘we’ve got a barn, let’s have a show’ Mickey Rooney/Judy Garland vehicle. Doesn’t matter. Gimme them old time movies and the glum-bunny turns into a happy camper. I cry, I laugh, I dance, I sing – I’m outta control.

So, I’m going to be watching quite a few of these old relics – when I’m done, I’ll sleep a good sleep. Tomorrow, I’ll probably be funny or at the very least witty – or maybe just punny…but I won’t be glum.