Really Stupid Shit

 

Since the internet is filled with stupid shit, I thought I’d get in on the act. Hence my favorite stupid shit, and stupid shit that is just stupid:

Favorite stupid saying: You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you can’t pick your friend’s nose. (How come?)

Favorite stupid movie: Monty Python’s Holy Grail. I especially love the horses they use and their many special effects.

Favorite stupid food: Artichoke, steamed with mayo for dipping. This is a stupid food because 1) who the hell figured out you could eat it? 2) who the hell figured out how to cook it so you could eat it 3) and  how did anybody convince anybody that you should all sit around an artichoke, pulling off leaves, dunking it in mayo and the scrape the meat off the leaves?

Favorite stupid sign:

Favorite stupid car: The original VW Bug. First of all, who wants to drive something called a bug? It conjures visions of motorized cockroaches or something. Then there is the engine in the back. And of course, the ever popular heating system (has anyone ever felt warm on an icy day in a VW Bug?).

Favorite stupid song: Weird Al Yankovich’s “Eat It.” Nuff said.

Favorite stupid website: Stupid.com – yep there really is a website by this name and you can check it out here. In fact, I purchased many stupid Christmas gifts from them this year and they were a hit. Don’t believe me? Ask Michael at Smoke & Mirrors.

Favorite stupid dance: The pony. For those of you who have never heard of this dance or seen it performed, see if you can find some old American Bandstand reruns. It’s worth it and hysterically funny.

Favorite stupid children’s character: Barney the purple Dragon. Not only is he huge and purple but he is butt-ugly. If I were a kid I’d be afraid of that sucker. And also somebody needs to work on the lyrics for his songs.

Favorite stupid tv show: Friends. A bunch of 20-somethings (who are really a lot older than that) have adventures in the big city. They are all struggling, lost, have career and life issues but live in a really cool apartment in the village, dress in all the latest fashions, go to fancy restaurants for dinners and have problems like jellyfish bites, whether or not to kiss Rachel, getting rid of annoying girlfriends and sibling rivalry. Great fun.

Things that are just stupid:

1. Bicyclists can ride on the open road but cars can’t drive on bike paths.

2. Joggers jog to become more fit and healthy but jog along heavily traveled roads – can you say carbon monoxide?

3. People who don’t pay taxes are pissed that they don’t get refunds.

4. Indecivise customers at fast food restaraunts.

5. Diet coke & chocolate cake.

6. Frisking old ladies at airports in case they’re terrorists.

7. Road construction during rush hour.

8. Cheerleaders at pro basketball games – for that money, they don’t need encouragement to cheer – you bet your ass they’re going to.

9. Pocket protectors – you might as well just stick a post-it on your head that says “Geek & Loser.”

10. Stop signs in California (more like avoid the oncoming car, signs).

Okay – that’s about all the stupid shit I can come up with tonight. I’ll let you know if I think of anything else.

WC

Writer Chick Predicts…

You know when I was a kid I used to love to read or hear about all the crazy, whacko predictions the psychics of the day would make about the coming year. What was really hilarious was how they would (later) try so hard to make the facts of something somehow mold into a prediction they’d made.

So in the spirit of that – I, Writer Chick, shall also make a few predictions sure not to come true – and if any do, it will be purely accidental.

I predict that in 2007:

  1. Fat people will be outlawed in NYC and if apprehended with a box of oreos, booked for possession of trans-fats.
  2. Teddy Kennedy will become the new spokesperson for Jenny Craig (maybe Kirstie will lend him her old body shapers?).
  3. Global warming will cause hot, fresh pizzas to rain from the skys during hurricanes that rail for 30 minutes or less.
  4. Britney Spears will create her own underwear line called Now you see it – Now you don’t.
  5. In a tell-all book, Madonna will reveal her favorite moisturizer is embalming fluid.
  6. Al Gore will invent a hybrid vehicle that runs on gas and electricity and call it the Priestess.
  7. The ACLU will file a class action lawsuit against the State of Texas in behalf of beef cows, citing slavery and wrongful death as key points.
  8. Apple will unveil its latest innovation, the BlogPod.
  9. Stem cell researchers will successfully replicate a conscience and offer it to Hillary Clinton for beta testing.
  10. Arnold Schwartzeneger will ‘come out’ as a Democrat.
  11. Rosie O’Donnell will admit on Oprah that she is the victim of a botched sex change operation.
  12. The first transexual Miss America will be crowned.
  13. The New York Yankees will win the World Series – by accident.
  14. Scientists will discover that land masses and ice masses surrounded by water experience erosion, thereby diminishing the size of said mass.
  15. Inexpicable accidents and scandals will befall any opponents to Senator Clinton in the bid for the Democrat candidacy.
  16. Barak Obama will blame his ears on President Bush (why not? everything else is his fault.)
  17. In a daring move, CBS will replace anchorperson Katie Couric with Barney the purple dinosaur – hoping to capture the heretofore untapped demographic of oversized stuffed animals everywhere.
  18. The medical community will unanimously agree that living is dangerous to one’s healthy and Congress will pass a law that all newborns henceforth will be tatooed with the Surgeon General’s warning of same.
  19. Michael Moore will premeire his first film based on fact in his biopic called Fat Like Me.
  20. Maureen Dowd will marry Jim Gilchrist and become a born again Libertarian and start her own newspaper called North of the Border.
  21. Bob Woodward will admit on 60 Minutes that everything he has ever written is lies and promote his upcoming book, All I know is I Can’t Tell the Truth.
  22. In an attempt to increase environmental awareness, major designers will develop a machine that can make fabric out of matter recovered in landfills. And use the fabric in their new spring lines. (clothes pins will be issued to all attendees at the Spring showing.)
  23. Jimmy Carter will become the new spokesperson for Jiff peanut butter, making the claim that it has a little known use as mortar (as demonstrated in the habitat for humanity model homes).

and finally….

We’ll all be going to Hell in a handbasket. 😉

Okay, those are my predictions…anyone care to offer some of theirs?

To Crit Or Not To Crit….

 

Writers are very funny animals. They love words, which I guess right there is pretty weird as far as most folks are concerned. They also like to do silly things like collect old dictionaries, odd and unusual reference books, old maps, time tables, train schedules – you name it. If it’s some sort of reference that might someday enable us to add authenticity to a story or essay we want it.

We also like people to read what we’ve written. Naturally. I suppose that isn’t so strange – but there is a bit of a catch for the reader. Oh yes, you don’t get away with simply reading it – you have to give feedback. Writers love many things, but nothing so much as feedback.

A few years ago, I got involved with an online writing group called Writer’s Village University. On the face of it, it sounded like a writer’s haven. Over 200 free courses, a chance to read and be read by other writers, message boards, forums, etc. all for a very modest sum. And off I went like the bright-eyed, hope-springs-eternal writer that I am – believing this was going to be an incredible experience.

Well, truly there were some  incredible things that happened. The biggest I think was meeting my buddy Michael whose writing talent slapped me upside the head like a train going 100 mph. I was actually in awe of the man. Wow, I thought, if only I could write like that!

To my utter amazement he seemed to like my writing as well. We sort of formed a bit of a mutual admiration society and sought out other writers to share in the fun.

Sadly, there were many wannabe writers there. Now, don’t get me wrong – I have admiration for anyone who aspires to anything and is willing to put in the work. But many I’m afraid were just looking for the atta boys (or atta girls) and didn’t take too kindly to actual criticism.

That’s the problem for writers. Even really good ones. It’s hard to swallow that criticism. It’s hard to see why someone wouldn’t love what you’ve spent so much time (possibly months or even years) crafting. But part of being in this group was to give what was commonly called a ‘crit.’ Many times these crits didn’t go over well. And feelings were hurt and sometimes worse. Or even payback so to speak was exacted upon the crit-er.

Within a few months both Michael and I were ready to leave the group for the same reason (which we learned in later conversations with one another) – people said they wanted feedback but in fact they wanted validation. Which to my way of thinking is not the same thing.

It’s hard to critique a person’s work – especially if you like them. It’s harder still when you’ve with the best of intentions critiqued someone’s work and they’ve blown your head off for it. Actually, it’s quite the trick to learn just how many eggshells one must trod upon lightly in order not to get your head blown off.

I think if you want to be a writer – or really any kind of artist, you must have or grow a very thick skin. And be willing to hear anything anyone has to say about what you write. Even if you don’t like it and even if you don’t agree. Because even on the really bad ‘reviews’ you learn something – if only who isn’t your public.

So despite it all – I’m one of those writers who wants you to tell me honestly what you think of what I have written. Whether you like it or not. Naturally I would prefer to wow you with my incredible skills but I’d rather hear that I didn’t – if that’s the honest truth – than to have you blow smoke up my skirt (much fun as that might be under the right circumstances. 😉 hehe).

So dear readers, please do feel free to say what you think and for that I will give you my eternal gratitude.

WC