Writer Chick Predicts 2017

2017-predictions

Every year, I take a shot at predicting what the new year will bring. I’m usually wrong, though that doesn’t stop me. Here are my best guesses of what will happen in the coming year.

1. Amazon will fold CreateSpace and Audible into its KDP platform by the end of the year. Since they own both outlets it makes sense for them and will probably make it easier for authors to track sales of various publishing platforms. However, I fear the scammers that tend to descend on Amazon will cook up some new scam to hurt indie authors if this comes to pass. Look for something weird on this front.

2. Democrats will make impeaching Trump a priority with the new incoming Congress and possibly make it their first order of business. They may even try to overturn the results from the electoral college. I predict they will be unsuccessful if they try this and will probably make things worse.

3. Serious steps will be taken to distance the U.S. from the UN. Perhaps we will cut ties altogether. But whatever happens, count on protest both for and against on the city streets, with some kind of bizarre tragedy that results.

4. Anti-Trump protests will continue and major colleges will officially create Trump-free zones. These zones will come with their own specified rules of behavior, safe words, calming sports drinks and new age therapy.

5. Mickey Dees will be the first major retailer to employ robots to man their order windows. Once their first cost effective report hits the news other fast food establishments will follow suit. Think it can’t happen, read this.

6. Fox News will change its name to Faux News (Fake News)

7. Hillary Clinton will become the major spokesperson for a new email security software retailer.

8. With its recent success of rebooting old series, Netflix will pull out all the stops and do reboots of: The Brady Bunch, Happy Days, All in the Family, Maude, My Favorite Martian, Starsky & Hutch, and the Courtship of Eddie’s Father.

9. The new iPhone8 will be unveiled in early spring and be the size of a 4-slice toaster but not to worry, it will come with a complimentary backpack to carry it in.

10. Amazon will launch a new beta program for indie authors to make movies of their books.

11. A new haircut called “The Trump” will become popular with middle aged, hair challenged men and women.

12. California will distinguish itself as the first state to drive smokers into total apathy and become a ‘smoke free’ state. Authorities will be very proud of themselves until they realize they have billions of dollars in lost tax revenue to make up. Look to the dubie tax to come next.

13. In a weird pop culture salute to Trump’s election, red ball caps will dominate the fashion world and be seen in all the spring collections on the runways in 2017.

Not a pretty list, I’ll admit, but there you have it. What about you? What do you think will happen in the coming year? Will it be good or bad? Fun or a disaster? Could it possibly be worse than 2016? Feel free to let loose with your own predictions in the comments.

Happy New Year. 😀

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We Wish You a Merry Business

merry businessGranted, not my best attempt at a parody, but I had fun with it.  Maybe you will too…. 🙂

We Wish you a Merry Business

We wish you a Merry Business
We wish you a Merry Business
We wish you a Merry Business
Without any scares.

We wish you a Merry Business
We wish you a Merry Business
We wish you a Merry Business
And demand for your wares.

New markets we dream
for you and your team
Good profits for Business
With money to spare.

We wish you a Merry Business
We wish you a Merry Business
We wish you a Merry Business
That covers healthcare

Good clients we send.
And bankers who lend
Good profits for Business
And pricing that’s fair.

We wish you a Merry Business
We wish you a Merry Business
We wish you a Merry Business
And a big market share.

We wish you a Merry Business
We wish you a Merry Business
We wish you a Merry Business
And the CEO’s chair.

We wish you a Merry Business
And success that is rare.

Writer Chick

copyright 2013

SantaBama

Yes, indeed, yet another Christmas parody for your amusement. Since our president seems to be in such a giving mood, I thought adapting this Christmas classic to reflect his generosity was appropriate. And really Santa Baby translates so well into SantaBama, doncha think?

SantaBama (to the tune of Santa Baby)

SantaBama, slip a freebie under the tree, for me
I’ve been an awful good girl
SantaBama, and hurry down to Congress tonight

SantaBama, an out-of-space budgetary coup, from you
I’ll wait up for you dear
SantaBama, and hurry down to Congress tonight

Think of all the grants I’ve missed
Think of all the wants that you could assist
Next year I could be oh so good
If you’d pay for my Christmas list
Boo doo bee doo

Barry honey, I wanna smoke my pot and really that’s
Not a lot
I’ve been a libbie all year
SantaBama, and hurry down to Congress tonight

Bama cutie, there’s one thing I really do need, the deed
To a GM factory
SantaBama, and hurry down to Congress tonight

SantaBama, I’m filling my stocking with unemployment checks
Sign your ‘X’ on the line
SantaBama, and hurry down to Congress tonight

Come and trim my Christmas tree
With entitlements bought with bribery
I really do believe in change
Let’s see if you believe in me
Boo doo bee doo

SantaBama, forgot to mention one little bone, a loan
I don’t mean to pay
SantaBama, and hurry down to Congress tonight

Hurry down to Congress tonight
Hurry down to Congress tonight

What do you want from SantaBama?  Hurry I think the lameduck session may already have adjourned.

WC

The Blogger’s 12 Days of Christmas

 

Christmas Carolers

On the first day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
A widget in a sidebar.

On the second day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Two Christmas themes,
And a widget in a sidebar.

On the third day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Three custom headers,
Two Christmas themes,
And a widget in a sidebar.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Four askimet filters,
Three custom headers,
Two Christmas themes,
And a widget in a sidebar.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Five gravatars,
Four askimet filters,
Three custom headers,
Two Christmas themes,
And a widget in a sidebar.

On the sixth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Six links a-linking,
Five gravatars,
Four askimet filters,
Three custom headers,
Two Christmas themes,
And a widget in a sidebar.

On the seventh day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Seven pingbacks pinging.
Six links a-linking,
Five gravatars,
Four askimet filters,
Three custom headers,
Two Christmas themes,
And a widget in a sidebar

On the eighth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Eight feeds a- feeding,
Seven pingbacks pinging.
Six links a-linking,
Five gravtars,
Four askimet filters,
Three custom headers,
Two Christmas themes,
And a widget in a sidebar.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Nine stat counters,
Eight feeds a- feeding,
Seven pingbacks pinging.
Six links a-linking,
Five gravatars,
Four askimet filters,
Three custom headers,
Two Christmas themes,
And a widget in a sidebar.

On the tenth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Ten readers reading,
Nine stat counters,
Eight feeds a- feeding,
Seven pingbacks pinging.
Six links a-linking,
Five gravatars,
Four askimet filters,
Three custom headers,
Two Christmas themes,
And a widget in a sidebar.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Eleven bloggers ranting,
Ten readers reading,
Nine stat counters,
Eight feeds a- feeding,
Seven pingbacks pinging.
Six links a-linking,
Five gravatars,
Four askimet filters,
Three custom headers,
Two Christmas themes,
And a widget in a sidebar.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Twelve vids a-playing,
Eleven bloggers ranting,
Ten readers reading,
Nine stat counters,
Eight feeds a- feeding,
Seven pingbacks pinging.
Six links a-linking,
Five gravatars,
Four askimet filters,
Three custom headers,
Two Christmas themes,
And a widget in a sidebar!

To All the Telemarketers…

 (I’m pretty sure this ain’t what Willie & Julio had in mind. Ooops)

To all the telemarketers I’ve loved before
Who speed-dialed in and tricked the poor
I loathe they came along
I dedicate this song
To all the telemarketers I’ve loved before

To all the morons who once obsessed
And endeavored to harrass the best
For helping me to blow
I owe a lot, I know
To all the telemarketers I’ve loved before

The auto-dialers are always going
And every time I try to dodge or sway
The auto-dialers continue flowing
And they just blow me away

To all the telemarketers who’ve tried my life
Please go and bother someone else’s wife
I’ll never go along
I dedicate this song
To all the telemarketers I’ve loved before

To all the phone jerks who’ve taunted me
Who filled my nights with agony
They have no fucking heart
They’ll always be a part
Of all the telemarketers I’ve loved before

The auto-dialers are always going
And every time I try to stray
The dialers keep on blowing
And they just ruin my day

(come on, everybody, join in!)

To all the telemarketers we’ve loved before
Who rung us up a thousand times or more
We loathe they came along
We dedicate this song
To all the telemarketers we’ve loved before

Who suck wet mops and should lick the floor
Just get the fuck along
We dedicate this song
To all the telemarketers we’ve loved before.

tada!

Ode to the Bots

 

(apologies to Simon & Garfunkel) 

Hello spamo, my old friend
I’ve come to rub you out again
Because your numbers softly creeping
Sent your bots while I was sleeping
And the garbage that was planted on my blog
really clogs
Within the bounds of comments

In cyber space I walked alone
Virtual streets of big orange cones
‘Neath the halo of my desk lamp
I turned my eyes from the crap you stamp
When my site was stabbed by a flood of a teen delight
That piqued my spite
And breached the bounds of comments

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand spamo’s, maybe more
Hackers talking without speaking
Goobers hearing without listening
Losers sending links that bloggers never share
And who’ve declared
You can’t disturb the bounds of comments

“Pigs,” said I, “You do not know
Askimet will not let the cancer grow
Read my posts that I might teach you
Take the hint so I might reach you”
But my words, like silent cowpies fell
And echoed
In the wells of splogdom.

And the losers bowed and prayed
To the porno gods they made
And the filter flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said, “The words of the slimeballs are written on the bathroom walls
And loser’s balls”
And cannot enter the bounds of comments.