The Truth Hoits

Sometimes life gives us an unexpected laugh and there is nothing sweeter than something that erupts from our bellies and brings tears to our eyes. What a delight, especially when it’s from a source that takes itself so very seriously.

For these folks, might I suggest some more quality control and testing?

Gotta love how the truth somehow prevails in these unexpected little nuggets of humor.


He Said, He Said

The last few days, the news has been full of the story of Senator Craig for his scandalous admission to disorderly conduct. Since I didn’t know much about it, I listened to the various talking head radio dudes discuss it.

Apparently there is some guy named Michael Rogers who is somehow responsible for ‘outting’ the Senator because apparently he voted against ‘his people’ as regards yo a few bills over the years in which he has been a Senator.

I heard the actual tape of the conversation between the Senator and the policeman who ‘busted’ him. Apparently, they were in side by side stalls and their feet touched and the cop saw the Senator’s hand below the stall. There were also foot taps. Now, call me crazy but I really don’t understand how this becomes scandalous or even how anybody gets charged for this – but from what I could gather it is supposed to be some sort of gay bathroom code.

Honestly, I could care less if the Senator is or is not gay. That’s his business and I don’t think anyone has a right to out him if he doesn’t want to be outted. But I do care that taxpayer money was wasted on something so ridiculous with so little evidence (if you could call it that) and I do care that the media on both sides of the aisle waste enormous amounts of time on something so damned stupid and I do care that they aren’t all more concerned with much more important matters about which they do nothing. And I do care that other politicians are now calling for resignations and pretending to take some sort of moral high ground, when every last one of them has done something as bad but probably much worse (the difference being that they haven’t been caught yet).

But mostly, what bothers me about this whole ridiculous waste of time and energy is that it is yet another game of gotcha. Both sides do it. And both of them have nary the room to speak. I can’t help but wonder how we manage to vote into office, to take care of matters of the day and times, such immature, childish, self-absorbed idiots. It’s like a bunch of bullies standing around the playground having a pissing contest, whilst meanwhile, the actual reason they are up on that Hill and have the perks and status is completely and utterly ignored.

I am sick to death of a media that panders to the basest instincts in we, the Great Unwashed. I am sick to death of Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, Harry Reid, Obama, Rudy, Mitt, Fred, McCain, Al Gore, Michael Moore, Bill O’Reilly, Bill Mahr, Susan Saradon, Bono and Barney the purple Dragon. I am sick of people who are more sick, twisted, stupid and incompetent than any of the rest of us, running this world and trying to force feed us what we should think, how we should feel, what we should eat, drink, wear and do.

Senator Craig, stay or leave. I don’t care. Hillary Clinton run for president, if you get elected then I guess this country by and large will get what it a deserves. Because honestly, if we can’t help but get hung up in this kind of garbage that has absolutely no effect in the greater scheme of things and get stuck in the small picture – we’ll all be having little bar codes tatooed on the back of our heads the day after Hillary is inagurated.

So, that’s what I think. What do you think?


Space the Final Frontier?

In recent years there has been a lot made of space. Not the NASA kind of space. Not the Star Trek kind of space. Or parking spaces or office spaces or even line spaces. Personal space. Know what I mean? As in: I need my space. Gimme some space. You’re invading my space. Gotta find some space. There’s even an entire blogosphere devoted to it called My Space. So, it’s quite the commodity these days.

Used to be that people just wanted to be alone. Or go for a walk. Or see a movie without company. Maybe sit under a tree and read a book. They even played hookie from time to time. But they didn’t carry around metaphysical walls and boundaries over which others were not to step. They did not erect in their minds individual planets with their own solar systems in order to get a little peace and quiet. Nope, back then I think we were more sociable than today.

So how does one make that space? That personal space that is so sought after, valued and treasured? It seems to me that there is no one way to do it. It seems to me that everyone has their own way of making their ‘space’ their own.

Roomie for example, makes it with dirt and clutter. He has so dripped, dribbled and drabbed over the coffee table that I won’t go near it. His side of the kitchen counter is frightening and I go to great lengths to avoid it. Heck we even divvy up the stove – my half is clean, his is dirty. Yep that’s how he maintains his personal space.

Others use food – hey the bigger the body the more space you get to occupy, yes? Don’t believe me, ask my fat ass. (Note to self, must find other ways to make space).

Some make it with noise. Ever notice how crazy noisy kids are in grocery stores? They throw themselves on the floor and scream bloody murder. Boy do they get a lot of space, people go three aisles over just to get out of that space.

How about fences or walls. The neighbor who isn’t exactly neighborly erects concrete walls, 8 foot fences, electronic gates and covers them with growing vines to get his space.

The do-it-your-selfer uses his trusty power tools to ensure the garage remains his personal space. The wife doesn’t want to go near the dirty noisy things and as long as something is running, she will stay safely ensconsed in the house in front of the television or air conditioner.

Many of us bloggers use words. Pleading words. Pleasing words. Funny words. Angry words. Authoritative words. Impressive words. Kind words. We fill our spaces up with words and sometimes pictures too – the words of course, are really just thoughts so I guess we use our mental faculties to make space. How very metaphysical of us.

Yet with all this space making going on, it seems to me that we aren’t any happier than we used to be. In fact, we may be less happy than we once were. When social decorum was a quality not an abberation, when manners were sought after, not criticized, when people tried to get along, not get apart.

So what’s your take on space? New frontier or life avoidance? How do you make space? Are others welcome there? What do you do to get space?


This Stuff Gives Me Gas…

Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of paying over $3 a gallon for gas. Yet, captive audience that we are, there is little we can do but complain about it. Or start driving mopeds, or those butt-ugly hybrid cars. Puleeze, I’d rather duct tape castors on the bottom of a piece of wood and roll down the hill than that awful fate.

So, since we can’t beat em, let’s join em. Funnies for you:

HT to Gerry for the funnies. Have a good weekend folks.


The Blogger’s List of Summer Fun

My friend Michael recently did a post, citing Time Magazine’s list of summer fun. It got me thinking that there should be a special list for bloggers.  We are our own breed after all, logic would follow that we have our own brand of fun. Right? Here’s my list:

1. Heat got you down? Take the whole family to your local cyber cafe. There you can help the spouse and the kiddies start their own blogs. The only fights they’ll be after that, is who gets the computer first. Coffee and extra laptops not included.

2. Invent an inflatable blogger raft. Remember those plastic slipcovers your Aunt Edna covered her entire livingroom suite with? Why not take that technology a step further and create your own plastic laptop slipcover? Duct tape it to your favorite inflatable raft and blog in the pool while the rest of the family splashes and plays. Cupholder optional.

3. Start a home business. While blogging is loads of fun, there is no reason to do it for free. Use tee shirts, coffee mugs and mouse pads to proudly promote your blog. They are popular and can be mass produced by underpaid workers in China for pennies on the dollar. Sell them to your co-workers, friends and family for a tidy profit and get free advertising to boot.

4. Start a blog-i-nary. Hey, if Wikipedia can start a pop culture, ever- changing, user-written, online dictionary, then why can’t you get some of that action? Have contests on your blog for suggestions and entries as well as using your own bright ideas, put it together with some nifty pictures and sell it as a downloadable ebook for $9.95. Proceeds can be used to pay for the aforementioned tee shirts, mouse pads and coffee mugs.

5. Live-blog Movie Reviews. No need to stay home in a stuffy apartment blogging while the rest of the family hits the 10-plex to catch the summer blockbusters. Just grab your brand new Iphone and blog the movie while watching and pigging out on popcorn and overpriced soda pop. Thumb-brace recommended. Also works well with rock concerts – neckstrap for Iphone recommended for this venue.

6. Gather blog fodder. How many times have you been in a hilarious situation and said to yourself, “I am so blogging this?” Well why not really do something about it? Stuck with that annual visit to the in-laws at the beach house? Great! Take a voice-activated tape recorder with you and conseal it on your person. Everytime something bloggable happens you’ll have it all on tape. Take your laptop with you and explain to the family that you are working on your novel at night – how are they going to know that you’re really transcribing the tape of that day’s fun activities? A win-win, if you ask me. Avoid swimming or any activity that could short circuit the tape recorder.

7. Have a blog-off instead of the traditional picnic. Aren’t you just a little bored with soggy potato salad and melted jello molds? Forget all that and have your blogger buddies meet up with you at the local park. Elect a moderator to throw out topics and race to see who can blog it the fastest and the bestest. Winners, must drink a frozen margarita after each round – drunk blog offs start at sunset. Charge the laptop batteries before leaving for the park. An extra set of clean clothes recommended.

8. Find creative ways to get new readers. How will you find new readers if you constantly sit home alone, blogging? They don’t grow on trees and they aren’t hiding under your sofa. Get out in the world. Take  your laptop with you wherever you go. Like the grocery store. When you spot someone having a shopping dilemma, offer to let them read your latest post. Note how many times they nod in agreement and laugh. Then move onto the produce department. In the library, offer to let someone use your laptop for five minutes if they read your last post and comment on it. You can do this virtually anywhere, bus stops, taxi cabs, airports, coffee shops, the list is endless. Being proficient in self-defense, recommended.

9. Teach your dog how to type so they can guest blog. Sometimes you just need to get away from the keyboard. You need a break but you’re worried about your stats. Buy an elementary typing software program, install it and teach your dog or cat how to use it -, doggie biscuits and kitty treats are great motivators. You may want to use plastic laptop slipcover to prevent permanent drooling stains.

10. Start a blog-cast. Face it, in the summer whatever they throw on television is crap or reruns of crap. People are bored. So why not offer to webcam your neighbors and friends while they are drunk and making asses of themselves? You can set it up on an endless loop and entertain thousands for days. Meanwhile, you can sit on the patio with a Guinnes and a cigar. Signed release and waiver forms recommended.

Okay, those are my ideas, what are yours?


10 Things to do With a Dead Spouse


Okay, so last week I did a post about posts I never did. Still with me? Good. Well, I did a little re-thinking and with a little encouragement decided to actually take up one of the topics. Now, contrary to popular opinion, I did indeed, once have a spouse. So I know of what I speak. Obviously it didn’t work out – no chemistry. None of that stuff that keeps you with a person despite all the many things that drive you nuts about them and prevents you from killing them.

I bring this up only because in order to know what one can do with a dead spouse, logic dictates one would have had to have had a live spouse, once…right?

Here are my ten suggestions of what to do with a dead spouse:

1. Fertilizer: This is pretty obvious – once you have the dead spouse there is always the issue of smell. Hence the whole concept of organic gardening comes into play. It gives a new meaning to the phrase, ‘I love you so much I could eat you with a spoon,’ doesn’t it? Tip: Mix 50/50 with steer manure which helps to mask the sweet smell and has plenty of nitrogen for good green growth.

2. Coat Rack: I don’t know about you, but I’m short on closet space. However, I do have an empty corner near the door. Tip: Position arms before the set in of rigor mortis, then wrap in gauze dipped in embalming fluid to discourage insect infestation. Alternate tip: Research taxidermy before endeavoring to do this project.

3. Unique Christmas Tree: Nothing warms the heart more that spending the holidays with loved ones. Especially when they are decked out in sparkly garland and plastic santas. Tip: Spray paint dead spouse with either silver or gold – it enhances the shine & sparkle, especially if you have a roaring fire going.

4. One-of-a-kind Coffee Table: Have your dearly departed hermetically sealed in a pine box with glass top. You can paint the box or use danish oil to seal in a natural finish. It is a non-stop conversation piece and because of it’s size can comfortably facilitate a dinner party of eight. Tip: Have body clothed before installation or the conversation will get out of hand.

5. Fed-Ex Him Back to His Mother: Nothing makes a mother happier than to learn that the tramp her son married no longer wants him. Plus, moms don’t mind dusting or hand feeding and have an endless supply of air freshners. Tip: Check with Fed-Ex for custom sized boxes – may require a special releases and waiver form.

6. Soylent Green: Don’t know what I’m talking about? Rent the movie.

7. Cat Scratcher: Why have your pampered feline scratch up your furniture when you have a perfectly good dead spouse for them to use. Tip: Using this option before going onto option #1 could be a winning combo.

8. Fix Them up With Paris Hilton: She’ll never know the difference and I hear she enjoys really edgy guys. Tip: Attach castors to bottom of feet, to make moving and posing a snap.

9. Trellis for Tomato Plants: I don’t know about you but I can never find a trellis strong enough to hold the beefsteak tomatoes. The vines cover and climb nicely and pests will opt for them, not your tomatoes. Tip: Dress dead spouse in plaid shirt and blue jeans so he will blend in with your garden motif.

10. Put in Green Trash Bin and Let Somebody Else do the Heavy Lifting: We all must do our part to save the planet and recyle and repurpose our waste, so this is a win-win situation. You will probably also get some extra carbon credits for this and your tax dollars will finally be doing something for you. Tip: If dead spouse is over 4 1/2 feet tall, you will  have to fold before putting into bin.

Okay, those are my suggestions – what are yours?

PS: Yes, I know I’m a sick, sick individual.

The Pets That Peeve


Everybody has funny, little things that bug them. Not things that they hate or really change their lives in any significant way – just stuff that drives them quietly up the wall. Usually too, it’s things that you’d be too embarrassed to say out loud. So you put up with them. Oh, but sometimes, sometimes you feel like you’re going to come out of your own skin they bug you so much. Here are mine:

  1. People who wiggle their toes or waggle their feet, or pick at their feet, especially while you’re eating or watching t.v. It just plain grosses me out. In my opinion, most people do not have attractive feet, especially men. They often have weird toenails that are scary colors. And yes, after you’ve had those puppies in sneakers and socks all day they do stink when you decide to air them out.
  2. People who pick at their food as though they are looking for a secret weapon under there. It’s food, damn it. Eat it or toss it, but for God sakes please stopping treating it like a frog in science class.
  3. People who eat with their mouths open. Now how do they expect that food to stay in there? And why do they think I want to see what it looks like after it’s been mashed around inside their mouth? If you’re not trying to catch flies, shut your trap.
  4. Men who ask you out on a date and then want to know where you want to go or what you want to do. For crying out loud, be a man. Be decisive. Show me you’re a take-charge kind of guy. If you can’t decide where we’re going on a date, what would make you think I’d have the slightest belief that you know where you’re going?
  5. People who talk during the movie. Now why would anyone go to the trouble of driving to the theater, paying $10 plus to see a movie and then proceed to talk about their mother-in-law once the movie starts? That also goes for people who answer their cell phones, kick the seats and eat their popcorn loud enough for people down the block to hear it.
  6. Belly shirts. I’ve been waiting for them to go out of style, yet they still seem to persist. First of all, outside of a 12 year old who has successfully mastered anorexia, who looks good in them? That would be nobody. Not to mention the fact that it’s always women who are way too old, compelled to show off what they think are their bad-ass abs or chicks who have several rolls of fat to expose. Cover up for cripes sake.
  7. Dreadlocks. Sorry, I know it’s like an ethnic thing and we must never attack anything like that – but come on – it looks like somebody took wallpaper paste, mixed a mess of cat hair in there and attached it to their head. It ain’t pretty – please learn how to use a comb, a brush, a pic or to braid your hair.
  8. Ugly shoes. There are too many designs to zero in on one particular type, but man the last decade has produced some bad ones. Who ever convinced anyone that shit kickers looked good with sundresses? Or stilletto heels that can take your eye out is sexy? And don’t get me started on sandals with sox and bermuda shorts. Like I said, most people don’t have pretty feet to begin with, you should at least give them a fighting chance by dressing them nicely.
  9. Hoodies under suit coats. It’s like oh, I have my gym clothes on but if I put on this snazzy jacket no one will notice. Think again. A suit coat goes with a suit. If you can’t afford one, stick with the sweats.
  10. Fat children. I don’t mean chubby or even plump I mean, tipping the scales at 200 plus. Now of course I know there are some kids out there who have a physical situation that causes them to have weight problems but it seems like every other kid out there is fat, fat, fat. And mom and dad keep taking them through the drive-thru, parking them in front of big screen tv’s, chauffering them everywhere and stick Ipods in their ears. Kids need to get out and do something besides parking their butts in a chair and playing video games.
  11. Bad tippers. It’s just low class. Some people seem to think that somebody who can feed and see to the needs of 20-40 people at a time only deserve disrespect, humiliation and then the final insult of little or no tip. I’ve got news for  you, somebody who can wait tables and do it well, is one helluva an organized multi-tasker. I used to eat out with a friend who would pay for the tab with her credit card and we’d all give her the cash we were going to kick in for our part of the check – then I discovered she was pocketing most of the money that was intended for the waitress as a tip. After that, I asked for a separate check. If somebody waits on you, is pleasant, brings you what you want and  you are a happy camper afterward, then tip them for cripes sake.
  12. Stupid people. They are everywhere. They stand at the fast food counter, reading the menu just not able to decide what piece of processed food they want that day. At the bank, they will knock you on  your butt to get in line ahead of you and then start filling out their deposit slip while standing on line. At the grocery store, they don’t have enough money to cover their groceries and dig through their purse looking for loose change and looking at the cashier as though they should be offering them a five spot. They hold everybody up in traffic by double parking, stopping, turning, cutting you off, whatever, then flip you off for being in their way.

Okay, time to get my blood pressure checked now. 😉 What are your peeves?


Are We Society Bots?


After the nearly 10,000 spam hits I’ve gotten on this blog, I’ve started thinking about this whole spam-bot thing. This isn’t another post complaining about spam, though it’s tempting, it’s really about how maybe the weird little things in life actually mirror who we are. Bear with me and we’ll see if I can make my point.

I’ve noticed with the spam that there seem to be trends. For example, one week it’s all sicko stuff, the next week it will be apparently from Russian or Yugoslavian guys, the next week from real estate people and this week I’ve gotten almost 2,000 spam hit from the drug planet. Every kind of drug you can imagine, which I dare not specify lest, they send another 2,000 my way. But it’s not the numbers or even the spam that interests me – it’s the trends. It’s the type of message they are spewing all over the place.

We live in a modern and technologically -savvy world. Heck, there is a gadget for everything, even a special clip for your potato chip bag, every method under the sun for your love-making preferences and a drug for everything that ails us. Still, we’re all restless, can’t seem to find our purpose in life, our soulmates, happiness, nirvana, whatever you want to call it. We’re still as screwed up as we were 30 years ago – maybe more so. Now doesn’t that give you pause?

Don’t you have to wonder that if none of this stuff is really floating our boats, if none of it is solving our woes, if none of this is tickling our fancy, then there must be some other reason for it all? I’m not going to go into any conspiracy theories here, because there are spambots for that too, so why would I take the time. But, I will say that if none of this stuff is solving our problems then it must be solving someone else’s. Right? I mean, no company keeps doing something just for the heck of it. They don’t advertise things to death because they aren’t selling it. So, if you put aside the ‘reasons’ they say they are selling it – to make you feel better, so you won’t hurt anymore, because you deserve the best, I’m okay, you’re okay, blah, blah – then you have to look at who/what it might behoove.

I think the spam bots are trying to tell us something and that that something is that we will not find our answers in pill bottles, blue videos, dates with Blonde Russian girls or real estate seminars. That no matter how many pills, vids, seminar, get rich quick schemes, promises of true love and so on are promoted that the answers lie somewhere else.

We’ve become convenience junkies – from junk food to remote controls. Why walk when you can drive the two blocks to the grocery store? Why cook when Micky D’s is down the street? Why talk to your family at the dinner table when you could be eating KFC in front of the big screen t.v.? Why be responsible when there is always someone else you can blame and make responsible for you?

We’ve become prisoners of our own laziness and apathy. We’ve stopped caring about each other and given in to a preference for living in our own little worlds, where companies and advertisers will gleefully supply us with everything we think we need or want. Hell, it’s all just money to them. And they are probably just as wound up in this silly string as everyone else.

Yep, we’re the little society bots who get up every morning, fire up our computers, check our emails, stop by Starbuck’s to get our fix, crank up our sound systems in the car and dial the cell phone and the heck with everyone else. You think I’m kidding but I’m not. I find it really sad and i worry, that we’ll someday all end up as Borgs or some odd configuration of man and machine all because we bought into the idea that life should be easy, that we are entitled to every little thing our hearts desire and that we shouldn’t really have to work too hard for it. Shouldn’t have to stand on line, shouldn’t have to be polite to our neighbors or care if some fellow is stranded on the side of the road.

Yep, we be society bots n’ shit. But I’m kind of hoping that the people out there who still think – give this some thought. Otherwise, we may soon find ourselves impelling through space into a bigger universe where we are the bots spamming the bigger guy’s computers.




War hasn’t been popular since WWII – although, I understand there were some anti-war dudes back then too – by and large, the country supported it. Many believed it would be the end of the world as we knew it and that it would all be for naught – but if we hadn’t entered WWII (spurred on by an unprovoked attack on American soil – any of this sound familiar?) we’d all be speaking German and possibly have only the color brown in our wardrobes.

Korea was an unpopular war – but I think mostly because we didn’t exactly finish the job. As evidenced by what’s going on in Korea today. A little fat dude with bad hair nuclear-izing his country, while most of his citizens starve to death (ah, the better to control them).

But, by far, I think the most unpopular war was Vietnam. Yep, that was stinker. Those who were tuning out, (big kudos to Timothy Leary) took exception to the idea that perhaps they might have to stand the watch for their country. They sure did take advantage of their personal freedoms but they sure didn’t want to have to actually defend them or protect them. Nah, that was better done by others. And they took it a step further too – by rejecting everything that was up to that point normal and American. Our military suddenly was the bad guy. The country was the bad guy. We who may have supported the fight against communism, were murderers, rapists and baby killers. Soldiers were spit upon and made to feel disgrace, all for the horrible act of going when their country called. And after years of war and thousands lost, the veterans of that war were at best ignored, and at worst tossed out like yesterdays’ trash. And it was decades before they were even thanked (much less honored) for their service. Do you remember that parade through New York City? I do. And I sat and wondered how many in that cheering crowd had made it their business to spit on these brave men and women just a few years before.

I wondered too, if all the voices drowning out common sense and reality, hadn’t been so loud if we’d have been able to finish the job there. If the millions who were murdered, tortured and turned into slaves of the Communist regime that claimed Vietnam after we left, would have had different lives. Better lives. I think they would have – but no, I don’t know.

I’m very familiar with all the arguments against war. It’s inhumane, it kills innocent civilians, we aren’t the world’s babysitter, it’s none of our business, it’s really a civil war, we shouldn’t be so imperialistic and on and on. That we are an evolved society and we should not have to resort to war to resolve our differences. We should be living on a higher plane and caring for our fellows. Let the United Nations resolve the woes of the world with diplomacy and charitable acts toward those less fortunate.

Well, I suppose those arguments have some validity. I don’t like the idea of killing people or being killed. I don’t like the idea of innocent civilians being killed because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. I too, would like to see us all live better, more evolved lives. There’s only one problem. We aren’t.

While technology races from one new discovery and innovation to the next – we aren’t anywhere near to catching up in that progression. People still hate. People still crave power. People still give in to their baser instincts. People still seek to control others in their greed and craving for riches and land. In other words, the things that actually cause war, still exist.

Bill Gates, Apple Computer, Starbuck’s Coffee and Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream have done nothing to actually alleviate the human conditions that breed war. They sure have made our lives more convenient and even tastier, but they haven’t changed men’s hearts or souls. And to me, that is what one must do in order to live in a world without war and to have peace.

What people do not like to consider or face, is that indeed, there really is evil in this world. And they are personified by the likes of Kim, Hussein, Chavez, Castro, Hitler, Mussolini, Pol Pot, et. al. Though they are probably a very small percentage of the population, the havoc they can wreak once given any sort of power is monstrous.

It only took a handful of brainwashed men and three planes to kill 3,000 of our citizens – and we didn’t even know who they were. They were not public figures, politicians, celebrities, religious leaders or 3rd world despots – they were ordinary men on a mission. One bred by hatred and fueled by denying these men and millions others, a normal life. Food, clothing, housing, a peaceful existence. If you starve a man long enough, it takes very little to turn them into whatever you want to turn them into. Killers. Priests. Religious zealots. Slaves.

So, the arguments to me, pro or con are beside the point. You’re arguing the wrong issue. The issue isn’t really whether war is right or wrong, good or bad. The issue is, how can we change the hearts and souls of men so they do not want to go to war in the first place?