Daylight savings, birthdays and starting over

I’m cranky because of the whole spring forward thing which is ironic because it isn’t even officially spring yet, right? And I’ve always wondered how they can call it daylight savings since you have to cutting an hour of daylight from the morning and giving it to the evening, doesn’t in fact give us more daylight, and doesn’t seem to save much.

 

 

I have a birthday coming up and I used really look forward to birthdays – now not so much. Not because of the age issue because let’s face, you’re as old as you are and you aren’t going to change it, right. But mostly because my family and friends have over the years slipped into apathy about birthdays and holidays in general. In fact, my buddy Zelda actually chastises me for giving her birthday gifts. Wow. Really? Well it doesn’t matter because I’ll continue to give them to her anyway, and I can’t wait to see her reaction to the birthday card I found for her – guaranteed to shoot milk straight out of her nose. And to any birthday naysayers out there I say this. Birthdays are awesome. They are the day you get to show the people you love that they’re special – if only for the 15 minutes it takes for them to open the card, the gift and shove a cupcake in their mouth. And is it really so much trouble to take 15-20 minutes out of a day and show somebody you like that you like them? Anyway…

 

 

 

You know what it’s like when you bake a cake you’ve really been wanting to make? You know, you’ve got this awesome picture in your head of how it will look, how it will smell and the flavor that will explode in your mouth when you take the first bite. But then reality takes over and what you end up with is a lopsided, dry, badly decorated amorphous glob? Yeah. So starting over.

 

 

If this post doesn’t make sense then I say we blame on daylights savings, birthday haters, and lopsided cakes.

Tomorrow I may write something more cogent. Could happen.

Peace out

Writer Chick

You might be heading toward brain death if…

Have you ever been in such a mind-numbed state that coming up with a menu for breakfast is a major accomplishment? Yep, that’s me lately. Usually I have so many thoughts and ideas traveling at warp speed between my ears that have to tell the voices to quiet down under threat of a time out. So many plans that my desk is covered with little index cards and post-its with bits of brilliance just waiting to be developed into a story, a post, an article, a poem – many of them unreadable when I get back to them. ‘Let’s see is that an m or an n?’

And the condition seems to come on without notice or preamble. Suddenly you just can’t think, you have no ideas and forget about having a conversation with anyone. However, over the years I have come up with a list of signs that I am heading toward brain death and thought I’d share in the hopes that maybe you can see it coming and do something before total flat line sets in.

You might be heading for brain death if:

1. Somebody hands you money and you say, “No thanks, I’m full.
2. You start nodding in agreement while listening to an Obama speech.
3. You regard your pet dog, cat, goldfish, iguana as one of the smartest people you know.
4. You believe that spending money you don’t have will increase your net worth.
5. You think that walking up a flight of stairs cancels out that slice of death by chocolate cake you just ate.
6. You believe reality shows are real.
7. You religiously post your score for online scrabble on face-book every day.
8. You start to feel ill if you don’t visit face-book and twitter 25 times a day.
9. You go into a panic when you can’t answer your cell phone by the second ring.
10. You think Jon Stewart is a brilliant political commentator.
11. You intend to spend the next two weeks reading every one of Sarah Palin’s emails.
12. You want to see the picture of Wiener’s wiener.
13. You’re concerned about the welfare of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan or the Kardashians.
14. You feel actual physical pain when you turn off your computer, your television or your cell phone.
15. You turn down a date with a perfectly nice guy because you’re saving yourself for Hugh Jackman.

If these or any similar signs begin to manifest in your life, you may be in serious trouble. You may be able to remedy the situation by taking a walk, having a conversation with a real person in actual English, eating a meal that does not contain food coloring, chemicals and flavor enhancers, or reading a book. Remember a mind is a terrible thing to waste.

WC

Copyright 2011

Friday Fun!

Well it’s Friday which means the weekend is just a few  hours away.  Why not have some fun and create your own motivational poster.  Here’s mine:

Hat tip – Zelda (of course)!

Truth, Justice & the American Way – Meh…Not So Much…

Well it had to happen sooner or later, didn’t it?  SuperMan is officially a one-world-order-global warming-UN loving- drone. I think super heroes everywhere should be shaking their heads and rolling their eyes. Don’t you? I mean seriously what other country would super heroes have come from? Russia, China, Iran? Come on folks, superhero-dom is uniquely American – there is no other government on Earth that would stand for it, is there?

I had to laugh though, that StuporMan decided to make his announcement at the UN – maybe he’s more assured that he won’t get beaned with some rotten tomatoes there? Could be.  Oh well, Stupor Man go and be free and live in the one world order of mediocrity – in fact, take all  your p.c. friends with you – we Americans won’t mind one bit.

Some Days….

Seems to be the story of my life these days.  H.T. Zelda.

What to do with a dead Christmas Tree

Well the presents have been exchanged. The meals have been prepared and eaten. Santa and the reindeer are safely ensconced at the North Pole. The new year approaches and everytime you enter your living room in your bare feet the dried pine needles from the tree greet you with a little surprise. What was once a fresh, supple pine that smelled like Christmas is now a large version of every houseplant you ever murdered.

Legend says it’s bad luck to take down the tree until after the new year and honestly, you don’t relish the idea of wrestling fragile ornaments out of the bramble the tree has become. Still, in a few days you will have to and you’ll have to figure out what to do with the carcass and the pine needles you’ll be finding for at least a month afterward. Following are a few ideas you may not have thought of…

1. Make soup! I have it on good authority that pine trees are actually nutritious and you can eat the pine nuts and needles – so get that outdoor kettle going and start the year off eating healthy again.
2. Make mulch. (Chipper required) For those of you who garden, pine needles make a terrific mulch and keep your flower and vegetable beds warm and toasty until spring. Of course if you get snow in your part of the country this may be moot.
3. Make a new Christmas decoration. For those of you who don’t want to contribute to the landfills, you can turn your old tree into a giant decoration for next year. Just nail that baby to a wooden block, spray paint the whole thing silver or gold and then varathane the whole thing. Caution: store in a cool, dry place and keep it away from the water heater and boiler.
4. Put it on the curb and let the city worry about it. Most cities pick up the trees in ‘special’ trucks and take them to a ‘farm’ when they can run and be free. Caution: Don’t tell the kids about the chipper.
5. Plant it. Okay, this really doesn’t apply to a dead tree – you have to have one of those tiny little potted live trees but you can plant those. Of course, half the time they don’t actually grow once planted and the ones that do, get big, so don’t plant too close to the house unless you want to fix your foundation a few years from now.
6. Leave it up til it falls down. Of course you can just leave the tree up and let nature take its course. Eventually all the needles will fall and the ornaments will end up in a heap on the floor but so what? And once the tree has shed all it’s needles you’ll have a nice hunk of wood. Roasted marshmallows anyone?
7. Carve a walking stick. Depending on the size of your tree, you could have a fair amount of wood left over once you skin the branches and needles from it. Cut the trunk to size and carve yourself a nice little old shillelagh (shill-lay-lee) come St. Paddy’s Day.

These are just a few ideas but if you put on your thinking cap, I’m sure you can think of other environmentally friendly and innovative things to do with your dead Christmas tree.

WC

copyright 2010

The New 12 Days of Christmas

Hey everybody, given current events I just couldn’t help but do a Christmas parody.  And now, the new and improved 12 Days of Christmas…

On the first day of Christmas,
my government sent to me
A tax hike with a green fee.

On the second day of Christmas,
my government sent to me
Two bailout plans,
And a tax hike with a green fee.

On the third day of Christmas,
my government sent to me
Three pat downs,
Two bail out plans,
And a tax hike with a green fee.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
my government sent to me
Four fast-food laws,
Three pat downs,
Two bail out plans,
And a tax hike with a green fee.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
my government sent to me
Five naked body scannings,
Four fast-food laws,
Three pat downs,
Two bail out plans,
And a tax hike with a green fee.

On the sixth day of Christmas,
my government sent to me
Six Dems a-squawking,
Five naked body scannings,
Four fast-food laws,
Three pat downs,
Two bail out plans,
And a tax hike with a green fee.

On the seventh day of Christmas,
my government sent to me
Seven czars a-czarring,
Six Dems a-squawking,
Five naked body scannings,
Four fast-food laws,
Three pat downs,
Two bail out plans,
And a tax hike with a green fee.

On the eighth day of Christmas,
my government sent to me
An eight dollar rebate,
Seven czars a-czarring,
Six Dems a-squawking,
Five naked body scannings,
Four fast-food laws,
Three pat downs,
Two bail out plans,
And a tax hike with a green fee.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
my government sent to me
Nine website shutdowns,
An eight dollar rebate,
Seven czars a-czarring,
Six Dems a-squawking,
Five naked body scannings,
Four fast-food laws,
Three pat downs,
Two bail out plans,
And a tax hike with a green fee.

On the tenth day of Christmas,
my government sent to me
Ten Wiki leakings,
Nine website shutdowns,
An eight dollar rebate,
Seven czars a-czarring,
Six Dems a-squawking,
Five naked body scannings,
Four fast-food laws,
Three pat downs,
Two bail out plans,
And a tax hike with a green fee.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
my government sent to me
Eleven cameras spying,
Ten Wiki leakings,
Nine website shutdowns,
An eight dollar rebate,
Seven czars a-czarring,
Six Dems a-squawking,
Five naked body scannings,
Four fast-food laws,
Three pat downs,
Two bail out plans,
And a tax hike with a green fee.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my government sent to me
Twelve numbing speeches,
Eleven cameras spying,
Ten Wiki leakings,
Nine website shutdowns,
An eight dollar rebate,
Seven czars a-czarring,
Six Dems a-squawking,
Five naked body scannings,
Four fast-food laws,
Three pat downs,
Two bail out plans,
And a tax hike with a green fee.

As usual feel free to add verses and if you drink spiked eggnog whilst singing, it really sounds so much better.

WC

copyright 2010

You Might be a Christmas Addict if…

I don’t know about you but I am in love with Christmas. While others may complain about crowded stores and parking lots, I rise to the challenge. And though some may have a hard time deciding on what to give as gifts, my mind starts racing with a list as early as August. I love everything about it, from Christmas trees to Christmas music. I admit it, I am a Christmas addict and I am not the least bit interested in joining any twelve step program to break the addiction.

How do you know who is a Christmas addict? Well there are several signs that can clue you in that you or a loved one is a Christmas addict which I am willing to share. You might be a Christmas addict if…

1. You think naming your first child Rudolph is an inspired idea.
2. Every year you scope consignment shops, shopping malls and thrift stores for more ornaments.
3. Tears come to your eyes the first time you plug in the Christmas tree.
4. You dream of how you’re going to decorate your house starting in July.
5. You can’t sing White Christmas without getting choked up.
6. You suddenly love everybody.
7. Your idea of a good meal is butter cookies, milk and candy canes.
8. You get your car retrofitted to look like a sleigh.
9. You get your chimney cleaned so Santa won’t get sooty.
10. You wear red every day in December.
11. You have to buy your Christmas tree on Thanksgiving weekend.
12. You’re disappointed if you don’t have lots of people on your Christmas list.
13. You have a Christmas movie marathon starting on Thanksgiving night.
14. You watch every movie you can get your hands on that is about Christmas – even the bad ones.
15. You search the internet for weird Christmas facts, food, videos and games.
16. You think elves are cuter than puppy dogs and kittens.
17. You prefer eggnog over coffee in the morning.
18. You own a Santa hat, reindeer ears and Christmas tree earrings.
19. You bake brownies, cookies and other treats for total strangers.
20. Rocking Around the Christmas Tree makes you want to dance.
21. You say Merry Christmas to everyone, even people who cut you off in traffic.
22. You love dressing up your pets in Christmas outfits.

I could actually go on and on but you get the idea. What about you? What makes you a Christmas addict? Or are you the bah humbug type who delights in messing with Christmas addicts’ minds? As usual, feel free to add to the list.

WC
copyright 2010

Ten Christmas Gift Ideas You May Not Have Thought Of…

Well by the end of the week we’ll be stuffed with turkey and pie and trudging off to kickoff the annual Christmas aerobics event of bargain shopping.  Most of us probably have less than usual to spend so getting just the right gift may be more important this year than in years past.  And all of us have that one friend or relative who is really tough to buy for because they either have everything or they are so picky no matter what you get they won’t like it.

So in the interest of helping my fellow shoppers I offer the following as some possible unusual and delightful gift suggestions:

1. A TSA grope-free pass. Quite expensive and only good for one free pass through security but especially useful for the handicapped, religious workers, children and cancer victims. A gift that truly shows you care.
2. An Obamacare waiver.  Again it’s got a hefty pricetag and you might have to vote Democrat for a full election cycle but consider your savings as a good tradeoff.
3. A cell phone jammer jammer.  If you, like me, love to talk on your cell while driving than this little item will keep big brother on his toes when trying to get between you and your cell phone friends.
4. A don’t touch my junk tee-shirt, mug or screen saver.  A real winner for the political activist on your list.
5. Mistletoe to go.  This snazzy item is for the friend or relative who just can’t get any action on their own.  I mean who can refuse mistletoe at Christmas-time?
6. A smoker’s umbrella.  For those poor social pariahs still smoking, standing out in the rain to get their nicotene fix is just cruel and unusual.  This handy dandy item even comes with it’s own ashtray.  So good for you and the environment.  A win-win as far as I can tell.
7. A stuffed toy version of yourself. For the narscisist on your list having a custom stuffed toy replica of themselves is bound to bring smiles and reinforce their inflated opinion of themselves.
8. Obama t.p. For the staunch conservative on your list, this harmless method of retaliation of our fearless leader may be the gift that keeps on giving.
9. A slanket. Nothing the couch potato on your list wants more than something warm and snuggly to log in all those endless hours of useless viewing with. I mean, what a great idea – a binky for adults!
10. A Jedi Mind Control Game.  For the truly spiritual yet loopy person on your list – this can provide hours of harmless fun in practicing how to influence public opinion.

Well, I’m sure there are plenty more weird, strange and outrageous gifts out there but these seemed like good possibilities.  Feel free to add to the list.

WC

copyright 2010

You Might be a Candidate for a Pat-down if…

Wow, lots of hoopla about current airport security measures of late. I have to say that they do seem extreme. In their rush not to be racially profiling, it seems the TSA has taken it to an absolute fault. Frisking nuns, children, and even teddy bears, when as far as I can tell they don’t fit the profile. Boy them terrorists must really be laughing at us pretty hard. I mean for an actual young, adult male of middle-eastern descent to be pulled for an extended search, he would have to shave his beard and body hair, exchange his turban for a baseball cap, bleach his hair and don designer sunglasses.

Based on recent reading I’ve developed a list of what might make a merry traveler raise the red flag for the ol’ pat-down – you might be a candidate for a pat-down if…

1. You look harmless, excessively white or Christian.
2. You refuse to give up your binky and teddy bear while walking through the metal detector.
3. You use a walker or are wheelchair bound.
4. You voice concern about being radiated by the full body scanners.
5. You’re a young, beautiful college student and your dad appears to be a Republican.
6. You’re dressed as a pilot or a flight attendant.
7. You’re too old and/or frail to raise your arms over your head whilst spread eagle.
8. You express distress over a complete stranger seeing your naked image on a monitor (forget about asking if they destroy the images and how you might verify that).
9. You’re under three feet tall and don’t have a strong lobby in Washington D.C.
10. You’re a pretty, inquisitive, conservative radio talk show host.
11. You tell an agent not to touch your junk.
12. You argue about giving up your four ounce bottle of sunblock.
13. You have artificial body parts, surgical pins, prosthesis, pace-maker or a navel ring.
14. You are wearing a skirt or other bulky clothing (middle eastern garb excepted).

Conversely, you are probably pretty safe from a pat-down if…

1. You carry a prayer rug with you.
2. You are a young adult male of middle-eastern descent.
3. You are wearing a burkah or a face mask.
4. You adjust yourself because the gunpowder in your boxers is really irritating your nads.
5. You speak little to no english and are wearing sand-encrusted sandals.
6. You have goats milk in your sippy cup.
7. You call the TSA agent a white, American devil.
8. You seem disoriented and are muttering to yourself about the great satan.

I don’t know about you but I won’t be flying the unfriendly skies for a while. Until security is about security rather than incompetence – about pro-action rather than reaction – I think I’ll just take a bus or something.

How about you – like those pat downs? Are you that lonely? And feel free to add to the list.

copyright 2010