Dear Santa…

 

Dear Santa,

I have been a very good girl this year. I have :

1. been paying down my credit card debt

2. not called in sick to work nearly as much as I wanted to.

3. only flipped off the most egregious idiots on the road

4. not killed roomie (despite any number of reasons I could have).

5. not killed either of my bosses (despite any number of reasons I could  have).

6. pretended to be happy to see people when I’m not.

7. been polite to Democrats (well sorta)

8. stopped discussing (arguing) politics with my sister.

9. made people laugh with my inane meanderings on my blog.

10. baked brownies for someone other than me.

11. not screamed at anyone at AT&T this week.

12. not slapped any stupid people lately, despite intense temptation.

13. only taunted 3 telemarketers this week.

14. bought a bunch of stupid shit for my friends which I have wrapped nicely for the holiday gift swap.

In exchange for all my goodness I would like (love):

1. job security (at least until mid-January).

2. two more years of my car running without major difficulties.

3. being discovered so I can get on the best seller’s list.

4. wealth and fame (or debt free with a small amount of disposable income).

5. the trick to teaching my dog how to talk (it would be a sure money maker).

6. the trick to getting roomie not to talk (it would be a sure sanity maker).

7. the secret to eliminating cellulite without taking pills or going under the knife.

8. my big fat ass, to be round and cute instead of what it is.

9.  7 calorie-free days per year so I can gorge on all the major holidays.

10. the secret to reversing gravity especially as regards my ass and my boobs.

11. you to manufacture the perfect bra and keep me in endless supply.

12. a maid (for obvious reasons)

13. the winning lotto numbers (just me and no one else, please).

14. Oh, and world peace.

Sincerely,

Writer Chick 😉

What do you want from Santa this year?

To Re-gift or Not to Re-gift

 

reindeer

I don’t know about you but I’ve gotten some pretty hideous gifts over the years. And from perfectly normal people. In fact, some of these gifts were so astounding that I actually saw colored spots dancing before my eyes when I opened them.

I have a bunch of chums who’ve been pals for many years – and every year they travel to Big Bear for skiing and Christmas cheer. One year, one member of this group got a horrible black and gold bowling shirt for Christmas from his mom. He promptly re-boxed it, crossed his name out on the gift tag and wrote in a friend’s name in its place. This got such a big and funny reaction they’ve been doing it every since. Now the game is to guess who is getting ‘the shirt’ this year. It’s like the magic McGuffin now. Just an example of how a bad gift can make for good cheer.

My worst gift came from…well I can’t tell you that but my gawd was it terrible. Imagine lime green and navy together with matching earrings. The idea of re-gifting never entered my mind so I wore it (with the earrings) and thanked the giver profusely. After a couple of wearings though I stuck it in a drawer and now have no idea what its ultimate fate was.

Then there are other gifts. The ones you get from co-workers or new friends or not-so-close friends or distant relatives who either don’t know you, are just trying to be nice or had something had in their closet which they thrust at you when you unexpectedly appeared about their holiday party. These are the nice but useless gifts, candles,  potpourri, Christmas mugs you can’t actually drink out of, food boxes from place like Hickory Farms, gift certificates for places you don’t shop at, hand-made Christmas ornaments or other crafty things like oranges plugged with cloves and tied with bows. The things you put in a drawer or the closet when you come home and forget about until you have a gift emergency and have to pull something from your stash.

But I have to wonder – do these items ever find a place to land? Are they destined to just cycle and recycle from one holiday season to the next? Do they ever find any real lasting love? Somebody paid money for them – somebody sold them – surely someone in the world likes these things? Surely somebody in the world would want to have them. Right?

We can only hope that these unloved gifts do finally connect with the family who will love and use them. Even that nasty fruit cake that Aunt Phoebe sent.

What about you? Do you re-gift or just pitch it?

I gotta go, I think this year is the year I get ‘the shirt.’ And I need to practice my surprised but delighted look. 😉

WC

What’s Your Favorite?

We all have our favorite Christmas movies – you know the ones that it just isn’t Christmas without? Some of us have our favorite hated Christmas movies (for the bah humbugs among us) which can be fun too.

These are mine:

It’s a Wonderful Life: Jimmy Stewart learns that each man does indeed touch many lives in many ways.

The Bishop’s Wife: David Niven learns that love and family trumps having the biggest, grandest cathedral in the neighborhood.

Love Actually: Hugh Grant finds love as a big surprise.

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn: A tearjerker you will never forget.

White Christmas: Bing Crosby, lots of great show tunes and a sweet act of kindness to a forgotten man.

Serendipity: Does fate really exist? Do people really have soulmates?

The Santa Clause: Can a cynic really become the most beloved character in the world?

The Christmas Carol: Can a man’s heart be turned from stone to gold?

How the Grinch Stole Christmas: The Who’s are irrestible, even to a green, crochety monster.

Miracle on 34th Street: Faith and belief can change your life.

Christmas in Connecticut: A Martha Stewart who can’t cook gets the handsome soldier in the end.

Holiday Inn: Singing and dancing together makes for true love.

The Family Man: Seeing what the road not taken would have made your life.

Surviving Christmas: Buying a family for Christmas is more complicated than it seems.

The Ref: Who needs a marriage counselor when a small time crook can solve all your relationship woes?

Those are mine. What’s yours? And why?

WC

Naughty or Nice?

santa

You know that conventional wisdom says that if you’ve been nice you get rewarded for it (presents) and if you’ve been naughty you don’t (coal in the stocking).

So, I thought I’d give you a few tips on how you can score more Christmas bling or coal, depending on your desires:

Naughty: You pull your little sister’s hair and throw the handful of folicle evidence in the trash then line up three of your friends for alibis during the time of said crime.

Nice: You take said handful of hear (whilst swearing it was an accident) and superglu it back to sister’s head and offer her full access to your collection of baseball caps.

Naughty: You play chicken in the shopping mall parking lot with package-ladened shoppers.

Nice: You give package-ladened shoppers an escort to their cars and they thank you by giving them their parking spot.

Naughty: You cram as many cookies and other goodies from the office Christmas party buffet into your pockets and purse, so you can gorge on them later. And make snide remarks about how the company didn’t provide much of a spread.

Nice: You make sure everyone gets their fill of the goodies (even the geeks) by passing the tray and keeping a close watch for gorgers and stuffers.

Naughty: You tell the boss nasty things about your co-workers so you’ll get a bigger bonus and they will get sacked.

Nice: You talk up your co-workers (even the ones who don’t deserve it)  to the boss and tell him they are all deserving of raises.

Naughty: You bitch loud and long about the slow moving lines at the checkout and complain about the incompetence of the Christmas help.

Nice: You let the little old lady cut in line in front of you because she only has a few things compared to your overflowing cart.

Naughty: You re-gift the hideous sweater your Aunt Edna gave you to the loser you drew at the Secret Santa game at work.

Nice: You wear the hideous sweater and thank Aunt Edna profusely for the thoughtfulness of her gift at the family gathering.

Naughty: You heave the snow you’re shoveling from your walk over the fence to the neighbor’s freshly shoveled walk (late at night when no one can see you).

Nice: You send your kid to shovel the elderly neighbor’s walk so they won’t slip and fall.

Naughty: You mutter ‘bah, humbug’ to anyone who chances to wish you a Merry Christmas.

Nice: You wear a Santa hat and wish everyone you encounter a Merry Christmas.

Naughty: You stay up all night so you can prove there is no Santa Claus – then tell your sister that your dad bought her the bike.

Nice: You make sure the little kids don’t go downstairs while dad is putting the bike together and help eat the cookies your little sister left for Santa.

Naughty: You knock down the town Christmas Tree in the square and drag it home for firewood.

Nice: You buy extra ornaments and wrap toys to help decorate the tree and give to the more needy in the community.

Naughty: You ban all Christmas movies from the house and make your spouse go to her friends to watch them.

Nice: You watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” for the bagillionith time with your wife and agree it’s the best Christmas movie ever.

These a just a few of the things you can do to be naughty or nice. Feel free to add to the list.

WC

Ho, Ho, Ho, Hee, Hee, Hee – Let the Season Begin!

Warning: I am a Christmas nut. It is my absolute favorite time of the year, bar none. From December 1st, all the way through January 1st I make a point of practicing good cheer, eating great food, spending time with friends and telling all those I love that I love them.

It works for me – because I figure I have eleven months out of the year to be a grump and a bitch – so it’s sort of like a vacation for everybody – know what I mean? 😉

While I likely won’t have snow on Christmas Eve, if this cold snap lasts, I’ll at least see it capping the mountains in the not too distant view.

I will watch every Christmas movie I have – more than once. I will search TV listings for ones I don’t have and be on the look out at stores to add to my collections.

I will bake brownies and cookies, randomly hand out candy to the homeless, wear a Santa Hat and reindeer ears – and cherish each moment a friend opens a present, gives a hug or says Merry Christmas.

And it will be all Christmas all the time on this blog through the 25th.

Okay? Okay.

Merry Christmas….

santaWC