Scalliwag – Theme Fridays

Scalliwag stole her heart and hid it in a sack of gold. Then buried it with a spade on an island dark and cold. The moon was just a sliver – a slitted blackened eye. The surf roar made him shiver as a slinky shadow drew nigh.

“I’ll have it back, ye pirate, me heart in yonder bag!” the comely Wench did scream at him and set his sail to flag.

The rogue then spat and spun upon his heel and at the very sight of her, he quickly drew his steel “Tis now me own possession, ye cannot have it back. No matter ye obsession, I’ll fight ye with a thwack.”

The Wench did not falter, nor fall to tearful knees but pulled a blade from halter, “I will not ask ye please!” And on the beach they battled one blade against the other, setting teeth to rattle, no mercy for their lovers.

Scalliwag took a fall and landed on his arse with Wench’s blade at his balls, he knew himself a farce.
Wench traced the mighty cutlass up his beastly chest, ran him through quite quickly and extracted her request. She held his coal black heart, it’s blood like pulsing ink then wrapped it in a net ‘fore Scalliwag could think. And with the spade she found her own dear, buried heart – took it with the gold and bade him with a fart.

Scalliwag tried to chase her to get back all the booty but the night had done erased her and gone with her the looty. “I’ll get ye wenchy woman and recover both gold and hearts!” Scalliwag screamed to heaven and cursed the saucy tart.

He staggered to the seashore and stuck in one big toe and shuddered night’s eerie crazy throe “I be a patient pirate,” he muttered as he swam and cut through frigid waters for he didn’t give a damn.

Yo ho, to see me maties version you can find buried treasure at Christine’s or possibly a rousing song and a bottle of rum at Jess’s.

Dear Editor

(Imagine my delight, when I discovered yesterday that the NY Times had some advice for Republican/conservative voters. Quotes from article in italics and block quoted. WC)

Dear NY Times Editor,
Thank you so much for taking the time out of your busy schedule to do an in-depth analysis on which Republican candidate is best suited to become the President of the United States and for whom I (we) should vote.

We have strong disagreements with all the Republicans running for president. The leading candidates have no plan for getting American troops out of Iraq. They are too wedded to discredited economic theories and unwilling even now to break with the legacy of President Bush. We disagree with them strongly on what makes a good Supreme Court justice.

Still, there is a choice to be made, and it is an easy one. Senator John McCain of Arizona is the only Republican who promises to end the George Bush style of governing from and on behalf of a small, angry fringe. With a record of working across the aisle to develop sound bipartisan legislation, he would offer a choice to a broader range of Americans than the rest of the Republican field.

Being the backward, bible-thumping, cousin-marrying, gun-toting, truck-driving, beer- drinking, country-music-listening, grade school-educated moron that I am, I truly appreciate your going through the pain of the selection process for me (us).

After all, there are only twenty four hours in the day and formulating vast right wing conspiracies take up a good portion of that, with precious little left for bible study and refining effective approaches to perpetrating hate crimes. So, as you can see, I don’t have the time to contemplate anything as inconsequential as who might lead the free world for the next four years.

To say that I am deeply touched by your concern for my political welfare doesn’t begin to describe my feelings about your ever-so-helpful article (endorsement) about/of Senator John McCain.

And what a candidate you have selected for me (us)! There is no Republican on Earth more like Hillary Clinton than Citizen McCain. His uncanny ability to co-opt liberal causes and betray his party and principles of same are unparallelled in the civilized world.

But Mr. McCain took a stand, just as he did in recognizing the threat of global warming early. He has been a staunch advocate of campaign finance reform, working with Senator Russ Feingold, among the most liberal of Democrats, on groundbreaking legislation, just as he worked with Senator Edward Kennedy on immigration reform.

Like Mrs. Clinton, Senator McCain has truly mastered the skill of talking out of both sides of his mouth whilst never moving his lips.

We have shuddered at Mr. McCain’s occasional, tactical pander to the right because he has demonstrated that he has the character to stand on principle. He was an early advocate for battling global warming and risked his presidential bid to uphold fundamental American values in the immigration debate. A genuine war hero among Republicans who proclaim their zeal to be commander in chief, Mr. McCain argues passionately that a country’s treatment of prisoners in the worst of times says a great deal about its character. …

Mr. McCain was one of the first prominent Republicans to point out how badly the war in Iraq was being managed. We wish he could now see as clearly past the temporary victories produced by Mr. Bush’s unsustainable escalation, which have not led to any change in Iraq’s murderous political calculus. At the least, he owes Americans a real idea of how he would win this war, which he says he can do.

For all I know, he is actually a marionette getting his jollies by having your hand up his ass. Which could explain that silly, goofy grin he often wears, as well as his Howdy Doody voice

You make a fine case for endorsing the Senator who never met a liberal cause he didn’t like and a very convincing argument to vote for him – And iff’in I was a Democrat, I certainly would.

Still, I do appreciate that a newspaper with the stature of The New York Times, would have my back in terms of my electorate health and I will check back later to see who you might be endorsing for the upcoming election of the local dogcatcher and the Hunkiest Garbage Man Contest.

It’s nice to know that a main stream publication can be fair and objective in its recommendations to one and all.

Sincerely,
Writer Chick – who apparently fell off the turnip truck yesterday.

If you want to read the article, you can find it here.

Update:

To read a little about McCain’s legendary temperment check this out.

Yes or No?

I don’t know about any of you, but I’ve been proposed to three times. Impressive, eh? Yet, I’m not married. Hmm, something must be out of whack here. Eh? What’s that? Did you ask why? Well let me tell you – in each case (well actually it was four and I did marry one of them, but honestly we were both talked into it, so I’m not sure it counts) there was just a gut feeling, some little voice that said “Don’t do it.”

For those of you who may be toying with accepting a proposal but aren’t quite sure, I offer the following list for consideration before you say yea or nay:

1. His mother still cuts his food and has offered to show how he likes it done.

2. He won’t let you see his driver’s license because he claims it’s a bad picture. Since when do men care if it’s a bad picture?

3. He thinks you should kick in for the engagement ring since you’ll be wearing it most of the time.

4. His idea of a menu for the reception is beer and pizza.

5. He has to drink a sixpack every night in order to relax after work.

6. He’s still friends with all of his former girlfriends.

7. Setting a wedding date is not important after he has moved in with you and you are doing his laundry, cleaning up after him and making him meals.

8. Your remote has a permenant indentation of his thumbprint on it.

9. The only time he speaks to you with any conviction is during sex and while lobbying for what movie to rent on Saturday night.

10. He makes you pick out the ring and then asks the clerk if the deposit is refundable.

11. His ex-wife wants to know your annual income, in case she needs to go back to court and up the child support.

12. He has three kids by a previous marriage but doesn’t want any with you.

13. When he moves in with you, the only thing he brings are his one grocery bag full of clothes and his big screen tv.

14. He won’t tell you where he works and keeps strange hours.

15. His brothers are excited at the prospect of crashing at your place when they are too tired or drunk to go home.

16. He sheepishly tells you he isn’t quite divorced from his first wife yet.

17. He still keeps some of his stuff at his mom’s, or his ex-wife’s house.

18. He wonders out loud, how you’re going to pay for the big fancy wedding you want and why you don’t just go to Vegas, because it includes gambling and free drinks, all for under $300 bucks.

Feel free to add to the list. 😉

WC

The Blogger’s List of Summer Fun

My friend Michael recently did a post, citing Time Magazine’s list of summer fun. It got me thinking that there should be a special list for bloggers.  We are our own breed after all, logic would follow that we have our own brand of fun. Right? Here’s my list:

1. Heat got you down? Take the whole family to your local cyber cafe. There you can help the spouse and the kiddies start their own blogs. The only fights they’ll be after that, is who gets the computer first. Coffee and extra laptops not included.

2. Invent an inflatable blogger raft. Remember those plastic slipcovers your Aunt Edna covered her entire livingroom suite with? Why not take that technology a step further and create your own plastic laptop slipcover? Duct tape it to your favorite inflatable raft and blog in the pool while the rest of the family splashes and plays. Cupholder optional.

3. Start a home business. While blogging is loads of fun, there is no reason to do it for free. Use tee shirts, coffee mugs and mouse pads to proudly promote your blog. They are popular and can be mass produced by underpaid workers in China for pennies on the dollar. Sell them to your co-workers, friends and family for a tidy profit and get free advertising to boot.

4. Start a blog-i-nary. Hey, if Wikipedia can start a pop culture, ever- changing, user-written, online dictionary, then why can’t you get some of that action? Have contests on your blog for suggestions and entries as well as using your own bright ideas, put it together with some nifty pictures and sell it as a downloadable ebook for $9.95. Proceeds can be used to pay for the aforementioned tee shirts, mouse pads and coffee mugs.

5. Live-blog Movie Reviews. No need to stay home in a stuffy apartment blogging while the rest of the family hits the 10-plex to catch the summer blockbusters. Just grab your brand new Iphone and blog the movie while watching and pigging out on popcorn and overpriced soda pop. Thumb-brace recommended. Also works well with rock concerts – neckstrap for Iphone recommended for this venue.

6. Gather blog fodder. How many times have you been in a hilarious situation and said to yourself, “I am so blogging this?” Well why not really do something about it? Stuck with that annual visit to the in-laws at the beach house? Great! Take a voice-activated tape recorder with you and conseal it on your person. Everytime something bloggable happens you’ll have it all on tape. Take your laptop with you and explain to the family that you are working on your novel at night – how are they going to know that you’re really transcribing the tape of that day’s fun activities? A win-win, if you ask me. Avoid swimming or any activity that could short circuit the tape recorder.

7. Have a blog-off instead of the traditional picnic. Aren’t you just a little bored with soggy potato salad and melted jello molds? Forget all that and have your blogger buddies meet up with you at the local park. Elect a moderator to throw out topics and race to see who can blog it the fastest and the bestest. Winners, must drink a frozen margarita after each round – drunk blog offs start at sunset. Charge the laptop batteries before leaving for the park. An extra set of clean clothes recommended.

8. Find creative ways to get new readers. How will you find new readers if you constantly sit home alone, blogging? They don’t grow on trees and they aren’t hiding under your sofa. Get out in the world. Take  your laptop with you wherever you go. Like the grocery store. When you spot someone having a shopping dilemma, offer to let them read your latest post. Note how many times they nod in agreement and laugh. Then move onto the produce department. In the library, offer to let someone use your laptop for five minutes if they read your last post and comment on it. You can do this virtually anywhere, bus stops, taxi cabs, airports, coffee shops, the list is endless. Being proficient in self-defense, recommended.

9. Teach your dog how to type so they can guest blog. Sometimes you just need to get away from the keyboard. You need a break but you’re worried about your stats. Buy an elementary typing software program, install it and teach your dog or cat how to use it -, doggie biscuits and kitty treats are great motivators. You may want to use plastic laptop slipcover to prevent permanent drooling stains.

10. Start a blog-cast. Face it, in the summer whatever they throw on television is crap or reruns of crap. People are bored. So why not offer to webcam your neighbors and friends while they are drunk and making asses of themselves? You can set it up on an endless loop and entertain thousands for days. Meanwhile, you can sit on the patio with a Guinnes and a cigar. Signed release and waiver forms recommended.

Okay, those are my ideas, what are yours?

WC

To All the Telemarketers…

 (I’m pretty sure this ain’t what Willie & Julio had in mind. Ooops)

To all the telemarketers I’ve loved before
Who speed-dialed in and tricked the poor
I loathe they came along
I dedicate this song
To all the telemarketers I’ve loved before

To all the morons who once obsessed
And endeavored to harrass the best
For helping me to blow
I owe a lot, I know
To all the telemarketers I’ve loved before

The auto-dialers are always going
And every time I try to dodge or sway
The auto-dialers continue flowing
And they just blow me away

To all the telemarketers who’ve tried my life
Please go and bother someone else’s wife
I’ll never go along
I dedicate this song
To all the telemarketers I’ve loved before

To all the phone jerks who’ve taunted me
Who filled my nights with agony
They have no fucking heart
They’ll always be a part
Of all the telemarketers I’ve loved before

The auto-dialers are always going
And every time I try to stray
The dialers keep on blowing
And they just ruin my day

(come on, everybody, join in!)

To all the telemarketers we’ve loved before
Who rung us up a thousand times or more
We loathe they came along
We dedicate this song
To all the telemarketers we’ve loved before

Who suck wet mops and should lick the floor
Just get the fuck along
We dedicate this song
To all the telemarketers we’ve loved before.

tada!

We All Need

 

Kim over at Good at Getting Better did this little ditty and I thought I’d give it a try myself. You go to g**gle and type in “(your name) needs” then list the top ten needs. Mine were pretty funny and frighteningly accurate. So what does Annie need?

Analysis. Annie needs to be rescued by the armed forces (displaying male power), the entire rescue mission having been set in motion by the preeminent father figure [This one is an obvious no brainer. Any of my readers could have come up with this]

Companionship. Volunteers are taking her out of the kennel each day, but this in no way replaces the companionship Annie needs. Annie needs a home. …[Yes, I am so lonely and I had no idea that others knew I lived in a kennel]
 
The Four Word Film Review. Annie Hall (1977). 77 reviews. Film rated 4.4 / 5 (Chick rating: 4.3 / 5) (Guy rating: 4.5 / 5 …. Manhattan Pygmalion needs eggs. … Annie needs a Woody. …[Not clear on this one, do I need a film review or a woody?]
 
A foster home. Please Save Annie!!! Needs a FOSTER home!!!!This is Annie, a mountain cur (?) puppy who desperately needs someone to love her unconditionally, spend time with her training, and can teach her not to be …[Yes, please save me!]
 
Coffee. Why Annie needs her Coffee~’Why Annie needs her Coffee~ Hi everybody, We were out of our favorite coffee this morning, which made me remember this story. [I always need coffee – jeesh, this is too easy]

A new door. She keeps her door unlocked, slightly ajar. If Annie needs someone, or if someone needs her, she cannot open the door. No one robs Annie. … [You better believe no one robs Annie – or that Annie has anything to rob]
 
Insight. Finally, the court concluded that the grandparents are “good people,” but their lack of insight into Annie’s developmental needs, the grandfather’s …[Can’t argue with this one – and really it is all about my developmental needs]
 
A real home. little annie needs a real home [And big Annie could use a real home too]

To Grow up. Another Police Rampage in DC”Annie” needs to grow up and take her politically correct “liberalism” over to Daily Kos where it belongs, with the other “liberals” who want to impose …[Who said I was a liberal????]

To Get Dressed. AJ gets dressed and insists Annie needs to get dressed too. Then the three of us hop in the car where we either go out to the library, or if it’s a M, …[Crap, is there a hidden webcam on this thing?]

Okay, so apparently that is what I need. I would add to the list, fame, fortune and several published novels, but G**gle clearly doesn’t know me that well.

What do you need?

WC
 

10 Things to do With a Dead Spouse

 

Okay, so last week I did a post about posts I never did. Still with me? Good. Well, I did a little re-thinking and with a little encouragement decided to actually take up one of the topics. Now, contrary to popular opinion, I did indeed, once have a spouse. So I know of what I speak. Obviously it didn’t work out – no chemistry. None of that stuff that keeps you with a person despite all the many things that drive you nuts about them and prevents you from killing them.

I bring this up only because in order to know what one can do with a dead spouse, logic dictates one would have had to have had a live spouse, once…right?

Here are my ten suggestions of what to do with a dead spouse:

1. Fertilizer: This is pretty obvious – once you have the dead spouse there is always the issue of smell. Hence the whole concept of organic gardening comes into play. It gives a new meaning to the phrase, ‘I love you so much I could eat you with a spoon,’ doesn’t it? Tip: Mix 50/50 with steer manure which helps to mask the sweet smell and has plenty of nitrogen for good green growth.

2. Coat Rack: I don’t know about you, but I’m short on closet space. However, I do have an empty corner near the door. Tip: Position arms before the set in of rigor mortis, then wrap in gauze dipped in embalming fluid to discourage insect infestation. Alternate tip: Research taxidermy before endeavoring to do this project.

3. Unique Christmas Tree: Nothing warms the heart more that spending the holidays with loved ones. Especially when they are decked out in sparkly garland and plastic santas. Tip: Spray paint dead spouse with either silver or gold – it enhances the shine & sparkle, especially if you have a roaring fire going.

4. One-of-a-kind Coffee Table: Have your dearly departed hermetically sealed in a pine box with glass top. You can paint the box or use danish oil to seal in a natural finish. It is a non-stop conversation piece and because of it’s size can comfortably facilitate a dinner party of eight. Tip: Have body clothed before installation or the conversation will get out of hand.

5. Fed-Ex Him Back to His Mother: Nothing makes a mother happier than to learn that the tramp her son married no longer wants him. Plus, moms don’t mind dusting or hand feeding and have an endless supply of air freshners. Tip: Check with Fed-Ex for custom sized boxes – may require a special releases and waiver form.

6. Soylent Green: Don’t know what I’m talking about? Rent the movie.

7. Cat Scratcher: Why have your pampered feline scratch up your furniture when you have a perfectly good dead spouse for them to use. Tip: Using this option before going onto option #1 could be a winning combo.

8. Fix Them up With Paris Hilton: She’ll never know the difference and I hear she enjoys really edgy guys. Tip: Attach castors to bottom of feet, to make moving and posing a snap.

9. Trellis for Tomato Plants: I don’t know about you but I can never find a trellis strong enough to hold the beefsteak tomatoes. The vines cover and climb nicely and pests will opt for them, not your tomatoes. Tip: Dress dead spouse in plaid shirt and blue jeans so he will blend in with your garden motif.

10. Put in Green Trash Bin and Let Somebody Else do the Heavy Lifting: We all must do our part to save the planet and recyle and repurpose our waste, so this is a win-win situation. You will probably also get some extra carbon credits for this and your tax dollars will finally be doing something for you. Tip: If dead spouse is over 4 1/2 feet tall, you will  have to fold before putting into bin.

Okay, those are my suggestions – what are yours?
WC

PS: Yes, I know I’m a sick, sick individual.

The Gee-Golly Finale

 

Okay, so now the new American Idol is the screechy girl. Too bad, I was pulling for beat-box boy. At least he was interesting. She’ll become a compliant little diva and probably sell out concerts for little girls who dream of being the next big voice on Idol too. Providing it’s still around by then.

 I have to say this finale, left me a bit cold. They seemed more interested in pimping their causes and showcasing other artists than what I thought the show was supposed to be about. We actually barely saw the contestants and when we did, they were usually singing back up or something. They actually gave a solo spot to Sanjaya, so he could assault us, yet again with his inept and off key stylings of a rock song. I don’t think I can ever listen to it again without cringing. In fact, I’ve forgotten what it was I was so traumatized by his shredding of it.

The best part of it (and honestly, the only reason I watched) was Taylor and his jacket. At least the guy has a pulse and tried to get people up on their feet. Is it me, or was the audience just made up of celebrities, their relatives and relatives of the American Idol folks?

And the report card section with old Clive was more like a public bashing then what I think it was supposed to be. Why didn’t he just say, “All hail the bald bag of angst and the country Barbie Doll,” and leave it at that? And I’m just curious but how is it a Barbie Doll (clutching the mike stand for dear life, lest she fall off the stage) can sell 6 million fricking albums? I don’t get it. And who told her she could sing, “I’ll Stand By You” with any authority? Some songs can not be countrified and that’s one of them.

One more thing – Greenday (is that their name?) might want to g**gle Bob Dylan, he did it first and oh so much better. What passes as deep and profound songs these days don’t reach me – I mean, what does a kid with too much eyeliner and bad hair know about the working class? Over my head to be sure.

So congrats to Screechy Girl – you’ll be an American Idol diva in no time with a nice, generic diva album that little girls will buy in the millions. I have a feeling though, that Beat-Box Boy will do better – at least I’ll be buying his album – gotta love the dark horse and somebody who just does their own thing.

I shudder to think what next year’s Idol will produce. The recent compulsion to do spin off after spin off of the show tells me that the magic is starting to tarnish. Maybe we’ll luck out and “So You Think You Can Dance” will take center stage. Could happen.

What’s your take?

WC

Chocolate Goes Underground?

You know I was thinking…I know, it’s dangerous when my gray matter gets going…but I digress. This world is getting more and more politically correct. Things we thought were just plain normal a decade ago could possibly be against the law today. For instance, what if some yahoo junior Congressman decided that chocolate was a public danger? What if they made it against the law?

Now, you’re probably laughing and think, oh that’s just too ridiculous but hey transfats are against the law in New York now, right? Why not chocolate? It release endorphins, changes moods, contributes to body fat, cholesteral and makes otherwise sane people drive to the grocery store at three in the morning. Face it folks, chocolate creates altered states in we humans. Somebody could probably make the case that it should be added to the list of schedule one narcotics.

But oh for the humor of it, I wish it would happen. Imagine, we’d have chocolate police. Belguims would be considered risks to national security (unless they gave up their recipes and revealed the locations of their factories). People would start smuggling it in from Switzerland, black market racketeers would be producing car panels made of chocolate and some poor housewife would be busting in the dead of  night by the chocoloate police, whilst munching on her front bumper.

There’s be chocolate labs tucked away in abandoned buildings, small apartments and little out of the way cafes across the country. People would be stopped to have their breaths sniffed by the chocolate brigade.

Valentine’s Day would be a thing of the past. Christmas, Mother’s Day, Birthdays, anniversaries would all be a little less fun and delicious. Cake would only come in vanilla and fruit flavors. Hagan Daas would go out of business. A whole section of Starbuck’s menu would be erased.

PMSing women everywhere would be roaming the streets looking for their fix – and beating up their spouses if they didn’t come through. Easter would be one big hard boiled egg.

Millions of people would be thrown out of work and have to earn their incomes working for shady folks who knew how to move the goods. It would be a veritable nightmare.

I can feel myself breaking into a sweat, my heart is racing and I’m starting to pant a little. Please, not the chocolate!!!!

Gotta go, there’s a 1 pound trader joe’s chocolate bar I have a date with. Just to be on the safe side, I’m going to plant some in my garden and see if anything grows. Hey, it couldn’t  hoit. 😉

WC

Where Have I Gone?

 

Where have I gone?
I don’t see me
when I look
into the mirror…

Just some woman
who spent
too much time
in the sun
at the buffet
by the clearance racks.

The woman
I was never
going to become
greets me now
in the morning
in the evening
in the funhouse mirror
of the elevator.

She smirks and
sucks in a breath
and seraches for mints
in the bottom
of her purse.

She mutters at the
moronic actions of youth
worries about
bills, bulges and gums.

Who is she?
And
What has she done with me?

Copyright 2007