Fatal Attraction

It has never ceased to amaze me, that no matter what my fantasy is, I’m not theirs. Know what I mean?

Perhaps it is Murphy’s Law, but why is it the only thing chasing me, makes me run as fast as possible to the nearest police station? I’m saying. 😉


Zelda for President!


I don’t know about you but I’ve been looking over the candidate lists of likely runners for the White House in 2008 and I’m simply not impressed.

It seems with the Democrats that it’s going to come down to Hillary and Barak. Of course, there are the usual second string of snoozers, Kerry, Dodd, Edwards, Algore, Biden and so on. The ones that just have to keep trying and never seem to get there – usually because they tend to eat both of their feet at the same time.

Not really sure what’s up with the Republicans – there is no clear front runner. McCain is the Republican version of Gore, always running and never winning and a sore loser. Rudy is too middle of the road. Tancredo is interesting but probably won’t get enough traction because of his immigration stance. Pataki ain’t nothing to write home about. The two who strike me as interesting are Fred Thompson and Newt Gingrinch. Fred because he has that easy going southern man thing going and seems to be a true conservative. Newt because, well he’s Newt. Certainly as polarizing as Hillary and the idea of the two of them duking it out sends me into absolute glee.

That being said – it bores me. I want a real candidate, just once in my lifetime. Not a politician, not spinmeister, no a liar or a dancer or a campaigner – but somebody real. Know what I mean?

Therefore, I have a new candidate to offer. Sure, she doesn’t have a chance in Hell but this is my blog and it’s filled with all my other fantasies, so why not this one?

I give you Zelda. And who is Zelda, you may be asking?  Obviously, she’s my friend. She’s funny in a goofy, absent-minded sort of way. And she doesn’t suffer fools gladly. Good start, don’t you think? She’s, self-sufficient, can drive any vehicle known to man, has all her survivalist gear (for the ultimate Armageadon) in place and ready to roll when the time comes, has a big-ass Blazer which she calls Chomp, is very smart, logical, has a buttload of common sense and makes her living telling other people what to do. And they pay her a lot of money to do so.

What kind of platform will she run on? Why CHANGE of course. Change is the buzzword of the new millenium and we (of course, I’d be her campaign manager, right?) intend to take advantage of change for all it’s worth. Change what? Why everything of course. Once upon a time politicians promised a ‘chicken in every pot’ (I think this was during a time when people were living on spam and white bread), Zelda will:

1. promise to take all the chicken-shits and put them in a pot.

2. She’ll get rid of the IRS in favor of a National Sales Tax – sure a lot of useless government workers will be thrown out of work and nobody will be able to milk the tax issue anymore, but we like to live dangerously.

3. Public Schools will become a thing of the past. Property owners will no longer finance schools that act as babysitters and teach children nothing but how to waste time. School will be voluntary and only those who want to learn will be allowed to go to school. People who want their children to go to school will have to pay for it, but since they will only be paying consumption tax, they will have a lot more disposable income and besides their kids will actually be learning something, so it’s a win-win situation.

4. Stupid people will be forced to work at places like McDonald’s, Burger King and El Pollo Loco. They will not be paid minimum wage because there will be no such thing. They will be paid whatever said businesses feel they are worth. Which should result in a surge of young people wanting to learn and return to school so they can get jobs that actually pay them enough to live on.

5. People who are afraid to drive will have to walk, take busses, cabs or get rides from friends. The morning and evening rush hours will become a thing of the past. Which will result in fewer accidents and lower insurance rates.

6. Newspapers and news outlets will be held to the truth. They will be fined for every falsehood they publish, promote or forward. Consequently, there will be fewer newspapers and news outlets and people will be thrown out of work. Which is okay, because there are plenty of positions open in the Circus and Gameshow industries.

7. All road construction will be done at night, when there is no traffic and the work can be done quickly and efficiently.

8. Government workers will no longer have a union. They will work as public servants. They will not get cost of living raises, free medical, mandatory benefits, or free passes on performance. They will be fireable if they are incompetent at their jobs. They will not be able to take the case to the Supreme Court or the ACLU. If they suck, they are out.

9. Doctors will be allowed to practice medicine.

10. Cops will be able to do their jobs.

11. The southern border will no longer require border guards or fences. Instead, a canal will be constructed and filled with pirhannas, sharks, giant squid and other scary creatures. Anyone who manages to cross it will automatically have earned citizenship and we’ll call it the Lotto.

12. Congress will actually be required to attend sessions and if they don’t attend said sessions and voting periods they will be docked accordingly.

13. Congress will be required to submit a balanced budget and if they don’t they will be docked accordingly.

14. Members of Congress will not be allowed to act stupidly in public – if they do, they will be docked accordingly.

15. Hot dogs will no longer list, mouse ears, pig snout and cockroach legs as ingredients.

16. The government will no longer bail any private industry out of trouble. This may result in fewer banks, airlines, railroads, NPR, museums, utility companies, phone companies, etc. But the ones that remain will be solvent and likely far more popular.

17. Supreme Court Justices will be required to remain awake during all sessions and if they don’t will be docked accordingly.

18. Animal cruelty will still be against the law, however, animals will not get the right to vote.

19. Hypocrites will be fined and ordered to rehab until they have only one face and no longer speak out of both sides of their mouths.

20. Anyone who takes a hair dryer into a shower with them and turns it on, will be on their own and financially responsible for any damage caused.

So there you have it, Zelda’s platform. Any questions?


P.C. Nation


With all the ridiculous crap that has gone on in the last several years, I seriously wonder what has happened to America, land of the free. We’ve gone from a nation of rugged individuals to a bunch of whining, whimpy, self-absorbed cry-babies. Frankly, it’s embarrassing.

Once upon a time it was admirable to use good old American know-how to make things, manufacture modern conveniences, make people’s lives easier with innovative solutions. Now, it’s practically a crime to have a big business, offer a service or product much less expect the consumer to use the product with a modicum of common sense.

Political Correctness has all but destroyed free speech. It has spawned the thought police, cigarette police, fat police, speech police, drinking police, teaching police, holiday police, news police, voting police and self-appointed police for any other activity a free citizen in this country might want to consider doing, saying and thinking.

It has gone from a sarcastic phrase to the way people actually conduct themselves. Thanks to p.c. we have hate crimes. Now, am I crazy or are there actually crimes that don’t involve some sort of hatred? We have hate speech (which is a fall-back postion in case the hate crime label doesn’t cover it) which used to be called free speech. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t believe that people who spew racial slurs, insults, or obscentities are heroes or anything. But we do have free speech in this country. So if some ignorant ass wants to prove what an ignorant ass he is, he has the right. Can you say Don Imus?

Whole groups of Americans are no longer satisfied to be Americans, they prefer the hyphen: Afro-Americans, Mexican-Americans,  Muslim-Americans, Soviet-Americans, Cuban-Americans, Gay-Americans, Bi-Americans, Transgendered-Americans. (Which by the way, have hyphenated in order to become lobbying blocs to acheive political aims – aka special interest groups.)When did the melting pot  that America once proudly touted as her basis become multi-culturalism?  When did we start being anti-American? (Now there’s a hyphen for you)

Aren’t we all just Americans?  After all, I don’t call myself a Euro-American because my ancestors are from Ireland and Germany. I’m just a…well, I’m just an American. And proud of it too. Of course, that will soon be against the law too and the multi-cultural police will be coming for me.

I have to tell you, I’m sick of it. I’m sick of the fact that you can no longer say what you think. That you have to think before you speak lest you offend somebody. Lest they have the likes of Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton in their rollodex. God forbid, I don’t feel sorry for the basketball team who are now scarred for life. Or the terrorist who is being held in prison (whilst getting prayer rugs, vegetarian meals, free dental and medical, care of my tax dollars) for being a terrorist. Or the murderer who killed people in cold blood and now that he’s on Death Row is repentant. Because if I say they are all full of shit and need to grow some balls then I’m a fucking ,insensitive, social pariah.

The irony to me is that possibly only 5% of the people I know and come into contact with are politically correct – the others are like me. They have opinions, try to be decent people but don’t go along to get along. Yet, that 5% seems to be running the show.

When the hell did that happen? When did we give these losers permission to force all of us into fear of speaking our minds, living our lives, having our vices and going about our business? Who the hell made them the boss of us? I really want to know.

My fantasy is to find a really big island which we can call the P.C. Nation and force all of those morons to live there. Then they can go crazy scolding one another and bossing each other around and telling each other how to live their lives. And leave us the hell alone.

We can do food drops, newspaper drops and maybe give them a couple of cable feeds. We will not, however, give them anything that is produced by big business, emits carbons, contains any trans-fats, nicotene, pornography, alcohol, religious symbols, holiday themes, chemicals, fertilizers,  fossil fuels, endangered any white mice during the production, fiberglass, plastic, paper, nuclear power or any other modernly produced product that is not wholly and completely from the natural sources. Therefore they get dirt and their ideas. They will have to figure out how to feed themselves without killing anything, create compost heaps from their bodily waste, fuel their vehicles, light and warm their homes with wind and solar power, weave their own fabrics, ropes and hairdos. They will not have manicures, pedicures, facials, starbuck’s, Macey’s, Gap jeans, Sketchers, BMWs or any other evil product of the non-politically correct.

And we can force them to have Algore as their president. That way, at least one of them will get their dream and be happy. And they can be assured of having at least one film to show in their movie house.

They will simply have to live their lives by the code and creedo that they have dictated to us lo, these many years. It could be a great reality show. I’d give it about 2 years before it likened the Wild, Wild West.

What do you think? Are you with me? Should I call a realtor?

😆 WC

This One’s For You, Sanjaya!

Sorry for all the vids but I had to post this one for our favorite idol disaster. WC

Really Stupid Shit Part Deux

I know you’ve all been out there waiting with baited breath for a sequel to this really popular post because when you get right down to it, you just can’t get enough stupid shit. But I like to change things up lest I end up in a rut, so rather than favorite stupid shit – I think we’ll go with annoying stupid shit this time out.

Ready? Good. Here we go

Stupidest remaining Idol Contestant: Tie. Sanjaya the bad singer with the good hair and blindingly white smile – who couldn’t sing if his life truly depended on it. He is only still on the show because weeping pre-teens can’t tell the difference between love and their impending hormones. It’s sweet in a real icky kind of way. But I hate to break it to you folks, he is one of the Top Ten. Any arguments that maybe they should have stopped at season 5?

The other ‘idol’ vying for the title is Chris Sligh (Sly? Are you kidding?) who is the self-appointed “Taylor” contestant for this year. He acts like a dark horse (he thinks), sings the same songs/material as Taylor (tries to Christ-i-cize it?) and just goes off key and nasal, does the fro thang, strolls through the crowd but looks like he wants to slap them out of his way rather than interact. Oh and his fans are calling themselves the Fro-Patrol. Excuse me while I puke. This kid is about as sincere as Paris Hilton while she is hanging out with her girlfriends’ boyfriends unchaperoned. He is the biggest phoniest jackass of a contestant I’ve seen on the show. I’ll bet the voice isn’t really his – he probably pipes it in through his ass from some high tech Ipod mike accessory. Pass the barfbag.

Stupidest Title for a movieMimzy or some shit. I don’t CARE if it is good. You just don’t call a movie Mimzy if you expect anyone over the age of three to go see it. Hey Joe, see any good movies lately? Oh yah Marge and I saw Mimsy – it was really fabulous. Jeez – come on!

Stupidest Talk Show Host: Rosie O’Donnell. What her producers seem to be missing is that talk show hosts are supposed to encourage the guests to talk. Not to slap them, gag them and force feed them their personal, commie, leftie, eco-whacko, insane-o views. Or am I missing something?

Stupidest TV Show: Oh there are soooooooo many but let me pick one from the new batch of shows. Now, mind you I am not going after any reality shows since in my mind they really aren’t tv shows but more like amatuer contests that are televised. No, I’m going after real, shows that are supposed to be real. Okay – Studio Sixty. I mean, hello? What the frick are they thinking here? First of all is Amanda Peet really going to go for Bradley Whitford? The guy has a huge head, it’s even a little scary. Imagine that coming at you ladies for a little good night smooch. Oh yeah. And then Matthew Perry is so schizoid he needs at least 10 offices for all his personalities and the girl he is supposed to be in love with is just too normal to ever really be attracted to a malignant narccissist like him and all his self-righteous spewing crapola. And remember folks, this is supposed to be a comedy, which means funny, right? While really all they are doing is tripping over themselves to spout whatever political ‘message’ is cool and p.c. and see who can talk the fastest. In a phrase it SUCKS!

Stupidest Rock Star: Hands down Bono: Where oh where do I begin? Okay, first of all is he really even that good of a singer? He is ugly as sin – so ugly in fact, he has to wear sunglasses everywhere he goes so the ugly rays do eat the flesh from his face and that of his fans. But what really makes him suck is this pompous, sanctimonious world peace faux world leader act of his. Does he really think anybody (who doesn’t want to get free tickets to rocks concerts populated by other pompous egotistical rock stars) is even remotely interested in his world plan? Sorry bub, but you actually have to get elected by people who know they are electing you, in order to have a say in what my country is going to do about anything. And by the way champ, get the hell out of the U.S. and U.S. affairs, who the hell asked you? How do you get off even hinting at what my tax dollars should be spent on? How dare you take my tax dollars and take credit for what they buy. Kiss my grits, dude. Big time.

Stupidest shit people do to their kids: A picture                             

is worth a thousand words. It’s not bad enought that this child is probably going to be raised by some doped up biker dude and biker chick, they have to turn him into some sort of mini me before he can even learn the words to protest. This mirror image approach to child rearing is just another disease of the yuppified self-absorbed. They don’t want to have children for the joy of having them and raising them to be their own man or woman – but rather they want to raise little clones of themselves so that they will be immortal.

Stupidest phrase: Politically Correct. What in the hell is correct about talking gibberish. I mean under what set of rules, grammar or otherwise does any of this doubletalk even begin to be correct? As for politics – we all know politics are lies and run by the lying liars who lie to get into office. So if something is politically correct isn’t the translation something like perfect lying?

Stupidest Shoes: Those sneakers that are really skates, no they are sneakers no they are skates, no they are sneakers that are skates – they are two, two, two shoes in one. What they are is an accident waiting to happen. It’s bad enough some fool came up with the idea but people are putting them on 6 year old who barely have enough sense not to play in the street much less navigate skating shoes down shopping market aisles . Which of course they don’t and they run smack into you and glare as though you are the cause of all their unhappiness. Between junk food, computers, Ipods and the fact that poor little Johnny shouldn’t have to actually walk to anyplace in the world (not even bed) this ain’t helping in the fight against adolescent obesity.

Stupidest Disease: Again, sooooooooooooooooo many to choose from but let’s go after restless leg syndrome. I mean, come on is this really a disease? From what I’ve read it’s just a magnesium deficiency, which I’d guess you could fix by taking magnesium. Why does every little thing that happens have to be a disease or a genetic defect? Why in the hell isn’t there one damn thing that people are supposed to be responsible for?

Stupidest News Story: The paternity of Ana-Nicole’s daughter. Come on folks, is this really news? I mean are things out there in the big, wide world, so easy going and calm and uneventful that who fathered an aging sex symbol’s daughter gets the headline banner. Not just once but for weeks? Really? So, like world hunger, world peace, tornados, beheadings, none of that takes precedence? Just what I thought all journalists are pussies and idiots who didn’t get their parents’ moneys worth on those fancy prep schools they all attended.

Other things that are just plain stupid pisser offers:

1. People who are too afraid to drive their cars. These are the folks who cause accidents and claim to be in them.

2. Claiming the price of gas is all because of the evil oil companies, with no mention of the taxes, initiatives, regulatory fees and every other little piece of garbage that is added to the price of gasoline which is hidden. No…let’s not tell the truth, let’s blame the guy that provides the goods.

3. Property taxes. Explain something to me, if you own something why would you pay someone else a tax for owning it? What Einstein thought this one up and why the hell does anyone pay it?

4. Giving anyone too young to pay for one on their own, a cell phone. What is the matter with parents today? They give 8 year olds cell phones and Ipods and then wonder how they get hit by cars. Aren’t kids absent-minded enough, you really have to give them things that will completely blot out the world around them? Why not just invest in that Matrix Condo Development now?

5. That cashiers can’t count. You know a bagillion years ago I worked as a waitress and often had to take money at the cash register. So if the bill was $2.26 and they gave you a five so you would count their change back to them like this: 27,28,29,30, 40,50,75, $3, $4, and $5. These days, they take the receipt and pile the bills and the change on top of that and jam it into your hand while peeking at the register to see how much they gave you. Not to mention the fact that they expect you to get the hell out of the way because the guy behind you is about ready to explode because you want to put your change back in your wallet before you grab your bags.

6. Restaurant workers who don’t speak english or have such a difficult time speaking it you cannot understand a word they say – especially at the drive through window. Sorry, but if you’re in America I believe you must speak English well enough to be understood – because if you can’t speak my language do you really think I’m going to trust in the fact that you’ll get my order right or my change? Get real.

7. The cigarette police, the fat police, the second hand smoke police (take your pick) they are the self-appointed assholes who must save society from itself while getting a whole of power for themselves too. Personally, I’m holding out for the bullshit police. I’d love to have some yahoo come along and save all of us from the bullshit that we’ve had shoveled on us from day one. I mean, have you ever asked yourself why it is that despite the trillions of dollars that have been donated and funded into heart disease, cancer, AIDS and so on that there is still no cure for any of it? Don’t you wonder why? Seriously? I’ll tell you why – it’s because they are now cottage industries that hire tons of people who would actually have to find work if cures were found. Most of that money never gets to the level of those who honestly want to find cures or solutions – it gets stuck at the administrative level. Please go save someone who needs saving and leave me alone. I am willing to accept responsibility for my actions.

8. Social Security and Medicare: Is there anyone of my generation out there who has any dillusions that they will collect one cent of the social security and medicare we have funded over our working careers? Anybody? Cuz if so, I have a bridge in Brooklyn you might want to take a look at.

Alrighty then, that’s about all my wee brain can come up with today. Feel free to add to the list.


God, I Hate Rules!

An Irish Wish…

And in the meantime, check out some of these Irish dance moves.

Happy St. Paddy’s Day everybody!  😉 WC

Aren’t You Glad…

we gave control of Congress to the Democrats? Hasn’t life been oh so much better since then? Can’t you hardly wait til Baraka or Billary is Prez?