The $400 Enema

Yes indeed, I am the proud owner of same. No, wise guys, not for me…for my dog. It all started last weekend. My little dog Maggie is very cute and hard to say no to, so when Roomie and I were chowing down on some ribs last Saturday, I consented to give her one small rib bone.

I knew I shouldn’t have done it but those puppy eyes always get to me and she’s such a sweet little pup, I love to make her happy. So off she went and chewed and chomped to her heart’s delight.

The next day she wasn’t feeling so good and I regretted giving her the bone because she was clearly having trouble doing her business. So I massaged her belly and gave her a little vegetable oil and things seem to right themselves later in the day. And that was the end of that. Or so I thought.

A couple of days later I could see she wasn’t herself and was in distress – by Tuesday night she was having trouble walking and I became very worried. The next morning we took her to the vet for an enema. Much as I knew she wasn’t going to like it, I knew it had to be done and that she would experience relief from it, so we went.

What is it about vets that makes them want to scare the daylights out of you when it comes to your pets? Before I knew it, he had talked me into giving her xrays because God forbid there might be some maniacal, foreign object in there that could cause her to spotaneously self-combust. And three xrays no less – this dog weighs 20 pounds and fits in my lap – he needed three xrays?

So I wait  hours for them to call. Funny that he was so concerned that she needed xrays yet she sat for three hours before they could get to her to do them? Anyway, he finally calls and reports that there are no foreign objects in there but she’s pretty impacted. Hmm…now isn’t that what I said? So I told him to please do the enema. Still, he wants to explore the possibility that she has some sort of hip or back problem which is causing her not to be able to squat which is the source of the impaction. Now hip the upsell compulsion of this guy I say, ‘let’s try the simplest solution first and see where that leads, shall we?’

He finally agrees to give her the enema, then insists she’ll need some subcutaneous fluids (in my distress I didn’t realize he wasn’t really talking fluid for her system, just fluids for her skin????) and of course they’ll have to watch her and examine her poop when it comes out. Again, like a fool I say okay.

I am to pick her up between 4:30-5:00 pm. So I arrive at about twenty to five and then proceed to wait for forty minutes. Still distressed, growing more worried that something else is wrong because they aren’t just bringing her out. Finally I ask what’s taking so long and I’m told they are cleaning her up and I have to wait to talk to the doctor. I had had enough so I told them I didn’t need to the doctor and to just bring me my dog.

Okay, they agree then present me with the bill (oh yeah, since I didn’t have the money Roomie has covered the bill, which I’m to pay him back for). “Here’s  your receipt,” the receptionist says and hands it to me. Four Hundred fucking dollars? I heard myself say “What??????? Are you serious? Oh my God!!!!”

$49 for the office visit (in which he scared me to death) $186 for three xrays (3 xrays???) $68 for an enema (really? to put water up her butt, $68?) $59 for subcutaneous fluid (again fluids for her skin?) $23 for observation (if they were observing her, why did she need cleaning up before they gave her back to me? and $2 for this $5 for that, etc.

So, let me get this straight. My dog is constipated, I bring her to the vet for an enema, and she gets xrays, fluids that don’t hydrate her, a watching fee in which she doesnt get watched and so on? What should have cost about $100 ended up costing $400?

Live and learn I guess. And no, we wont’ be going back to that vet. Ever again. I understand that people have to make a living but to exploit people’s fears about their pets so you can pay for your Mercedes is just wrong. What happened to the vet who actually just cared about the animal and solving the problem at hand?

I wonder, if this free national healthcare thingie going to apply to my pets? What a world!

WC

Bad Hair Day – and Then Some

Just when you think you can’t find a parking space, a brilliant idea strikes you. Funny how a few drinks and lack of sleep can get your brain thinking outside the box, eh?

I guess this is what happens when you let the horse do the driving. Still, there he is again in the driver’s seat. Go figure.

Well, I’m all for curtesy on the road, but you actually need a shoulder to pull over on, doncha?

I’ve always been a little jealous that public servants get to park wherever they want – but you have to wonder, how exactly they managed to squeeze into that space. I’m sure it was meant for a compact car.

Happy Sunday, everybody and remember, drive defensively. 😉

WC

10 Things to do With a Dead Spouse

 

Okay, so last week I did a post about posts I never did. Still with me? Good. Well, I did a little re-thinking and with a little encouragement decided to actually take up one of the topics. Now, contrary to popular opinion, I did indeed, once have a spouse. So I know of what I speak. Obviously it didn’t work out – no chemistry. None of that stuff that keeps you with a person despite all the many things that drive you nuts about them and prevents you from killing them.

I bring this up only because in order to know what one can do with a dead spouse, logic dictates one would have had to have had a live spouse, once…right?

Here are my ten suggestions of what to do with a dead spouse:

1. Fertilizer: This is pretty obvious – once you have the dead spouse there is always the issue of smell. Hence the whole concept of organic gardening comes into play. It gives a new meaning to the phrase, ‘I love you so much I could eat you with a spoon,’ doesn’t it? Tip: Mix 50/50 with steer manure which helps to mask the sweet smell and has plenty of nitrogen for good green growth.

2. Coat Rack: I don’t know about you, but I’m short on closet space. However, I do have an empty corner near the door. Tip: Position arms before the set in of rigor mortis, then wrap in gauze dipped in embalming fluid to discourage insect infestation. Alternate tip: Research taxidermy before endeavoring to do this project.

3. Unique Christmas Tree: Nothing warms the heart more that spending the holidays with loved ones. Especially when they are decked out in sparkly garland and plastic santas. Tip: Spray paint dead spouse with either silver or gold – it enhances the shine & sparkle, especially if you have a roaring fire going.

4. One-of-a-kind Coffee Table: Have your dearly departed hermetically sealed in a pine box with glass top. You can paint the box or use danish oil to seal in a natural finish. It is a non-stop conversation piece and because of it’s size can comfortably facilitate a dinner party of eight. Tip: Have body clothed before installation or the conversation will get out of hand.

5. Fed-Ex Him Back to His Mother: Nothing makes a mother happier than to learn that the tramp her son married no longer wants him. Plus, moms don’t mind dusting or hand feeding and have an endless supply of air freshners. Tip: Check with Fed-Ex for custom sized boxes – may require a special releases and waiver form.

6. Soylent Green: Don’t know what I’m talking about? Rent the movie.

7. Cat Scratcher: Why have your pampered feline scratch up your furniture when you have a perfectly good dead spouse for them to use. Tip: Using this option before going onto option #1 could be a winning combo.

8. Fix Them up With Paris Hilton: She’ll never know the difference and I hear she enjoys really edgy guys. Tip: Attach castors to bottom of feet, to make moving and posing a snap.

9. Trellis for Tomato Plants: I don’t know about you but I can never find a trellis strong enough to hold the beefsteak tomatoes. The vines cover and climb nicely and pests will opt for them, not your tomatoes. Tip: Dress dead spouse in plaid shirt and blue jeans so he will blend in with your garden motif.

10. Put in Green Trash Bin and Let Somebody Else do the Heavy Lifting: We all must do our part to save the planet and recyle and repurpose our waste, so this is a win-win situation. You will probably also get some extra carbon credits for this and your tax dollars will finally be doing something for you. Tip: If dead spouse is over 4 1/2 feet tall, you will  have to fold before putting into bin.

Okay, those are my suggestions – what are yours?
WC

PS: Yes, I know I’m a sick, sick individual.

Where There’s Smoke…

Now, isn’t this a lovely picture. It’s almost one of those doorways back in time, don’t you think? This is Zelda’s livingroom (yes, see there really is a Zelda – all this time you were probably thinking I was making her up). As you can see, Zelda has style, panache – her home is filled with lovely Deco antiques and replicas. Our designer friend, Margarita has spent an enormous amount of time helping Zelda to get things just right, just the way she wanted them, in her home. And a fine job it was/is.

But see there’s a problem…Zelda actually lives there. Don’t get me wrong, I love Zelda, in fact, she’s probably the best friend I’ve ever had but this girl has a talent. A rare and even enviable talent. A talent of having shit happen.

Have I mentioned she was once trapped beneath a giant trash can at 9 o’clock on a Sunday night? The moral to that story was, be careful how much wet sand you put into one giant trash can and watch those bumps as you’re rolling it to the curb. But…I digress.

Zelda is anti-heat. She just doesn’t like it. No if ands or buts, the heat is a baaad thing. Therefore, she has an air conditioner in every room in her house or one of those Sharper Image fancy-schmancy fan thingies. Anyway, last week I think it got up to about 75 degrees and Zelda was sweltering. Now this is really bad because apparently, Zelda has no sweat glands at all. She informed me early in our friendship that she does not sweat. (I wonder if she can get one of those handicap stickers for her car? Do you think it’s an official disease? We must look into that…)

Anyway, okay,  the girl doesn’t sweat, hates the heat, needs air conditioners wherever she goes. The other night, it was hot and she turned on the air conditioner in her livingroom. Well, as you can see, she has these lovely drapes and so forth and lovely as they are, apparently they block the air flow. So the solution, obviously, is to take the lovely drape and stuff it in the lovely lamp (pictured). And so she did.

The phone rang and as Zelda is wont to do, she started chatting it up with a chum. Well, as the time passed and evening started to come upon her, she turned on the lamp. And chatting away she went. After the call she got hungry and went to the kitchen to forage in the fridge. She did this and that, occasionally getting a whiff of something. “Hmmm, ” she thought, “what is that weird smell?” Then she saw a squirrel through the kitchen window and her mind went with it. When she was through watching the squirrel and feeding the pets and foraging in the fridge, her mind returned to that smell. Sniff, sniff, what could it be?

She shrugged and carried her samich and glass of milk to the livingroom, with the intent of settling down in front of the big-screen tv and vegging out for the night. She settled on the sofa and again the smell invaded her senses. It was stronger now. What could it be? She looked left, she looked right, she looked down then…she looked up.

Yikes, the curtain was on fire. I guess some bulbs burn more brightly than others. “Oh shit,” I think were her exact words.

The samich and milk were soon forgotten as she fought to save her drapes. Luckily that particular fabric enjoys a slow burn so there was no need for a fire extinguisher. A mere unstuffing of the drape from the lamp and Zelda blowing on the smolder seemed to do the trick.

The  house was saved but the curtain wasn’t quite so lucky.

I asked her what she was going to do and she said she’d just cut it. I can’t quite figure how cutting it is going to solve the problem or how it will look, but Zelda assures me no one will be the wiser.

Gotta go, time to go shopping with Zelda – she needs some Restoration Hardware tie-backs for the drapes. Now how the heck did we forget to get those? Must have been on the page of the catalogue that the dogs ate.  😉

WC

What’s in a Name?

 

This was too good, not to post. H.T. to court reporter chick for this one. Enjoy!

All of these are legitimate companies that didn’t spend quite enough time considering how their online names might appear .. and be misread.

These are not made up. Check them out yourself

1. “Who Represents” is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity.  Their Web site is www.whorepresents.com (I’m thinky some lacey lingerie)

2 . Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at  www.expertsexchange.com (they say that change is good, right?)

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net (I think I know some people who shop here)

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com (this could be helpful to those profiler guys)

5. There’s the Italian Power Generator company, www.powergenitalia.com (I know they say Italians are the best lovers but…)

6. And don’t forget the Mole Station Native Nursery in www.molestationnursery.com (those poor plants, imagine the trauma)

7. If you’re looking for IP computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com (lol – me too, anybody going to make a diaper joke here?)

8. The First Cumming Methodist Church Web site is  www.cummingfirst.com (so much for abstinence)

9. And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their wacky Web site, www.speedofart.com (I didn’t know that speedos could fart) 

So the moral to this story is choose your names wisely and get good proofreaders! 😉  WC

What Moms Will Do For Their Kids…

 

(My friend, the super-mom, sent me this true story of how she ‘helped’ her kids learn one of those scout-type lessons. Amazing, the lengths we’ll go to for our kids, eh?  😉 WC )

We had our Daisy troop meeting at Oakwood Park this afternoon so we could work on our “Making the World a Better Place” petal by going around the park picking up litter.  I got there with a handful of plastic grocery sacks so each girl could fill her own bag with litter.  Then we were going to talk about recycling as we took any bottles and cans we found and put them in a separate recycling bag. 

So, while the girls are playing before we get started, I look around and….. the park is spotless!!  No litter anywhere!!  Nothing!!  Our petal earning was in serious jeopardy! 

The only thing I could think of was to send my older daughter to our van (where there happens to be plenty of litter) to get some litter and go out and sprinkle it around ahead of us as we got started.  She said she got some strange looks from people as she was boldly and deliberately littering.  That is, before they saw our Daisies way behind on the trail squealing as they raced to pick up the scraps.

Thank God one of the boys playing basketball happened to finish his water bottle so we had something to recycle!

Technically, we didn’t really make the world a better place but I think they got the idea 😉  Too bad there isn’t a “Make your leader’s van a better place” petal.  😉

(LOL- that’s what I call ingenuity!  WC)

Balance…I Need Balance…

This is how I feel when the writing is going good. All the right words, all the right concepts. It flows, it’s fluid. It’s gooood!

This is how I feel when everything I write sucks. The words won’t come. Everything is sticky and stodgy and cliche and I’m convinced I simply can’t write, not at all.

Where’s the balance, people? What does a lowly writer have to do to find that smooth, even keel they are always talking about in life. Doesn’t it apply to writing? Why the hell not?

So, there you have it caught between Heaven and Hell and watching reality television. Ah…the writer’s life.

WC

Friend or Foe?

 

I have, as I’m sure all of you have, encountered some snaky people in my life. Unfortunately, it seems something no normal person can dodge. You are destined to meet and experience at least one. And if one is all you ever have to deal with, consider yourself lucky.

It seems I sort of have this sort of thing happening again. It’s very subtle, so much so that I wonder if I’m imagining it. I wonder if I am simply being paranoid, finding things where in fact nothing exists? It’s possible – I’m not brilliant or anything, nor am I without mistakes (a buttload of them) or flaws (an even bigger boatload of them) – yet I can’t quite shake this sense…of something.

Have you ever had someone in your life who seems to covet, maybe even crave what you have? Now it may be good, great or even not so great, but this person really seems to want it. Whether it’s a pink sweater or an easygoing friendliness with the mailman. You can almost see the craving in the eyes, hear it in their tone and words. Yet when you try to look at it directly, it seems to disappear out of view. (Anybody ever see that movie, Gaslight? I’m saying…)

Naturally, you chastise yourself, believing you are being overly sensitive, imagining motive that isnt there – giving that person the benefit of the doubt, while with yourself you will cut no slack.

Then you start to notice little things – they are suddenly using phrases that you use, making similar jokes, in subtle ways assuming your…I don’t know…is it style? personality? what? And it’s a sort of creepy Twilight Zone experience. First of all, who the hell would want to be me? you ask yourself. What the hell is there to covet? Who knows? Still, you can’t shake the feeling.

These folks also other funny little things. If they feel you’ve been ignoring them, they call or write complaining of it. Acting hurt or worried that you’re upset with them or don’t like them anymore. Honestly, after the age of 10, isn’t this a little strange? In my case, if one of my chums is upset with me I usually know and if I don’t I simply ask, ‘hey, did I piss you off or something?’ Isn’t that normal?

Anyway, I’m not even sure I know where I’m going with this post – maybe it’s a cautionary tale. Maybe it’s just ramble. But I’d say, beware of people who fawn a little too much at you. Beware of those who pursue you a little too often and enthusiastically. Be careful who you take into your confidence and introduce your friends to – because frankly, some people have more than one face and honestly, neither one is very pretty.

WC

So Many Obsessions, so Little Time

 

I’ve been tagged by Interstellar Lass to do a post about obsessions. Now this is intriguing because I’m not sure I have any obsessions. I can hear laughing out there…but seriously, I’m really not sure I do.

Well, maybe a couple.

I think we can all agree I’m obsessed with blogging. Who’d a thunk it? Last summer when my buddy, Michael asked me to fill in on  his blog while he was on vacation, I thought, Jeez, blogging? Plus the whole thing made me nervous because it seemed so cliquey. As though it was his private club and I’d be crashing. I didn’t think his fellow club members would be interested in anything I had to say or wanted to write about it.

But he was so persuasive and is a good friend, so I decided I’d give it a try. It was only for a week after all and you can pretty much do anything for a week without gagging. Right? So, off I went. My first post was entitled Cream Boogers. To say I was surprised by the response puts it mildly. Like Sally I thought they like me, they really like me! Then I was hooked.

The week ended quickly and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Within a week I had my own blog. And so it began. I learned about hits and stats and stat counters, and links and photobucket and blogrolls and the whole enchilada. I was a blogger from that day forward. And though I bellyache about it sometimes, I doubt I could ever stop blogging.

I’m also obsessed with chocolate. So much so that I will not be able to get the image of a snickers out of my mind (I’m talking days) until I actually get one. Or whatever chocolate obsession is popular with me that week. I can always find a reason to have chocolate. Always.

Books, love books. Not because I’m a writer, though that doesn’t hurt – but because I love climbing into other worlds and leaving my world behind. I love fiction more than nonfiction, but I’m also nutso about the self-help books, the starting your own business books, marketing books and books about art and artists. I always have at least 30 books in the cue that I simply must read. As well as favorite books I want to reread and try to force on others (can you say, Atlas Shrugged?). My local library has a fantastic second hand book store and sell 5 paperbacks for a dollar and hardbacks for 50 cents to 2 bucks. I’ve even found some rare books there. Who needs Barnes and Noble’s?

Talking. Now, I’m not sure talking really classifies as an obsession since we all have to talk. But I don’t mean chit-chat kind of talking. I mean those deep, philosophical, swift exchanging of ideas that matter. The kind of talking that keeps you at Starbuck’s or on the phone til all hours because you just can’t stop, because really it’s the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off kind of talking. Oh yeah, I can talk until my vocal chords shrivel up.

And last but not least, writing. I have written in one form or another since I could write. As far back as I can remember I have written stories. I have been fascinated with the human condition and putting that fascination into the form of stories or poems. Writing to me has been my mother confessor, my friend, my touchstone, my comfort, my refuge, my joy and my heartbreak. It has always been the way I have processed anything. It is the conduit that has connected or disconnected me from the world. I honestly think that if I ever stopped writing I would die. The body might stick around for a bit but my soul would be as dead as a doornail. It is what and who I am, for better or for worse.

Alrighty then, I think that is more than enough obsessions for one post, probably for the decade. And now, you probably know way more about me than you care to know.

How about you? What are your obsessions? Anybody out there who wants to be tagged, consider yourself tagged. Or just share your obsessions here. You know me, love the chatty comments. Go crazy.

WC

PS: How’s that, Lass?

Chicks in dah Hood

Oh yeah, that’s what I’m talking about!

 Apparently, this is what I have to look forward to in my twilight years. Although, who can complain about an awesome biker jacket and doo-rag? Not I, my friends, not I. 😉

WC