You Know You’ve Gotten Too Fat When…

fat lady

Way back when I wrote this post, “You Know You’ve Gotten too Fat When…” It was very popular (go figure). Due to technical difficulties, among other things, the original post was lost. I try here to recreate it:

You know you’ve gotten too fat when:

1. Your closet is divided into fat clothes and skinny clothes and the skinny clothes are pretty dusty.
2. All your jeans have elastic in the waist and even those you can’t button.
3. The dishes rattle when you walk into the kitchen to get a snack.
4. Your room mate has put a padlock on the fridge and won’t give you the combination.
5. The lady at the airport check in counter gives you two boarding passes – one for you and one for your ass.
6. Your ass has its own zip code
7. When you attend dinner parties, the hostess always waits until you leave the table to offer seconds.
8. Your nickname is Godzilla
9. Cleveland won’t allow you entrance anymore because they are afraid you will eat it.
10. You’re ambidexterous – also known as a two-fisted eater.
11. Your ‘baby fat’ could supply enough fat for ten babies.
12. As soon as you get into your car it becomes an instant ‘low rider.’
13. At the last 5K run you registered 2.5 on the Richter Scale.
14. When you wear your yellow dress, people mistake you for a school bus.
15. The employees at Home Town Buffet cringe when you walk in the door because they know they don’t have enough food.
16. You’re on the McDonald’s ‘watch list.’

As usual, feel free to add to the list.

Writer Chick



Yes, I’ve received my first rejections on my project ‘Get An Agent’ and no, I’m not too disheartened. It was a little stunning getting those first few self addressed stamped envelopes, I had so carefully printed, stamped and placed inside the packages and letters I’d sent. Surreal. I knew without opening them that the answer in all of them was, no. Some of them were so light that I wondered if there was anything in the envelope at all. There was. The smallest slip of paper, politely declining my request. The common response was that they had full client lists and/or the material was not right for them.

I had to wonder though, when they said the material was not right for them, what did that mean, exactly? Was it just a polite way of saying, “Get away from me kid, you’re bothering me” or something else?  How could material not be right for an agent? Do they specialize too? Is the world now just full of people who specialize and work in niche markets? It could be, but I couldn’t tell you. All I know is that these folks were either too busy or my material was not ‘right’ for them.

The interesting thing to me was that it didn’t break my heart or make me utter an unintelligible curse in their direction. I expected them. I think you have to expect rejection before you can expect acceptance. Life is like that, isn’t it? You don’t just hop on a bike and zoom down the street, popping wheelies like a pro. Nope. You get on the bike and fall down. And sometimes it’s funny and people laugh at you. But if you want to ride that bike badly enough, you get back on, willing to fall as many times as necessary for you to master it. To get to the goal of zooming down the street and popping wheelies like a pro. Yes, you get right back on the bike and you keep trying until you get there.

But I don’t like the word, trying. Trying implies that your heart isn’t in it. You’re trying to cope. Trying to learn. Trying to make do. Trying to accept rejection. No, I think maybe learning is a better word or just doing. So, this week, I’m doing rejection. I may do it next week again and perhaps even the week after that. Eventually, I’ll get it right.

It feels a little odd to be writing these words and thinking these thoughts because they seem unlike me. I was always a sensitive child and often took things to heart, personally, and would get so discouraged. I was frankly, afraid to even try this because I was afraid I would have that very reaction. Afraid that the Drama Queen would come out and have tantrums and then feel sorry for herself. But the DQ, seems to be happily asleep while I contemplate this new attitude. While I step into this new suit and strut across the room in it.  Maybe a few more rejections will coax the Queen out and she’ll have her way with me, but I don’t think so. I think maybe I don’t need her that much anymore. I think that I know what I want and that I’m okay with going after it. Whether it takes days, weeks or years doesn’t seem to matter anymore.

Somewhere along the line, I stopped getting torn up about what people thought of my work. Either they like it or they don’t. Will read it or won’t. It’s always wonderful to get the praise and please a reader but I think that sometimes you learn more from the reader who rejects your work. Whether it’s writing or anything else. If you’re smart and you listen, you will learn things about your work from the naysayers. Maybe how to improve it but more maybe about yourself and what your work really is and isn’t. Who it is for and who it isn’t for. That’s pretty valuable stuff.

I can accept rejection now, I suppose the real question is, can I accept acceptance? Now, there’s an interesting thought.


Cry Me a River

Crying isn’t always a bad thing – sometimes it’s good to cry. It’s a natural release from stress, emotion, what have  you. Sometimes, I’m even in the mood to cry and I can’t, so I have to find things that will make me cry. It’s not so much the crying I enjoy as the way I feel afterwards when it’s over. I feel refreshed in a way. So, just in case you need some tricks on what may make you cry when you can’t and  you want to try these:

1. Hallmark commercials: Now, there is nothing in advertising that will get the old tear ducts flowing more than a good, old fashioned Hallmark commercial – especially the ones they do around Christmas. Whoa, gimme a whole box of kleenix cuz the dams are about to burst.

2. Onions: I love onions, there is just nothing better to add zip and flavor to a meal like onions. I put them in just about anything I cook – which could explain why I’m not a good cookie maker – love them, love them, love them. But I have never found a way to escape the tears when I’m chopping those babies up. Hell, I even cry when I’m chopping scallions, scallots and garlic. I’ve learned to live with the fact that I’m a weepy cook.

3. The Star Spangled Banner: Or any patriotic song for that matter. In fact, I probably cry more on the 4th of July than I do on Christmas. I don’t know why. It’s just those patriotic songs choke me up. It makes me think of all the people who fought for this country and continue to do so, despite what others may think. I love my country (for all its flaws and more) and nothing chokes me up more than the songs that pay homage to it.

4. September 11, 2001: It’s been years and I still can feel the tears well at the mention of it. Any images, references, footage, commentaries, movies, television shows, anything about it, still breaks my heart and I mourn all that we lost that day. As an American it was the worst day of my life.

5. Terms of Endearment (or any overly sentimental movie): Especially the scene where she is talking to her sons and telling them what is going to happen when she is gone. The older one is being terrible to her and she tells him she loves him and that she knows he loves her even though he’s pissed at her. At the end, she says to the little one, ‘I think that went well, don’t  you?’ It just rips me up.

 6. Missing my dad and my brother: For me, they left this earthly existence too soon and I doubt I will ever stop missing them.

7. Taxes: Most especially when I look at the ‘net pay’ section of my pay stub every payday. Cripes, isn’t that why we all came over here in the first place?

8. Injustice: I don’t mean the little things where someone feels slighted or takes offense – unfortunately, that is just part of life and  you have to deal. I mean the senseless stuff – the shootings at schools, people who are hit and run, the person who is harmed or maligned for who or what they are, or worse. All the senseless, evil things that we do to one another and without cause.

9. Reunions with old friends: Life is nothing but change. People change, things change, situations change and you have to roll with the changes. But the worst thing for me is when friends move away and you can’t see them everyday like you’re used to. You’re no longer a part of their daily life or you theirs. But the reunions are so great, tears of joy, completely.

10. The price of gas: Okay, it doesn’t really make me cry but close. It seems lately that no matter how much money I pour into the gas tank I can’t ever quite fill it up. And man does it burn fast. Is it me or does gas burn faster when it’s more expensive? I’m sure I’m imagining it but it seems to me when gas was a buck fifty a gallon it lasted a lot longer. Go figure.

11. Then there are the smaller things that don’t always  make me cry but work sometimes, like: killer farts, laughing too hard and too long, stubbing my toe, Christmas songs, puppy dogs & kittens and Sanjaya singing.

 How about you? What makes your tear ducts fill up?

Why Hillary Won’t Get My Vote

The 08 elections aren’t too far off and the campaigning will really wind up once Labor Day weekend hits, so I’ve been thinking politics lately. Not the day to day stuff, sometimes I can’t keep up and frankly, sometimes, it’s just too much. But I do like speculate and look at the landscape sometimes.

I’ve made no secret that I’m not a Hillary fan and have gotten in my cracks about her with the occasional post – but this time I want to spell out why I feel as I do. Don’t worry, it won’t be too political. And really some of my reasons may surprise.

The reasons (incomplete and in no particular order) why Hillary won’t get my vote:

1. Mean eyes. It’s one of those things that can’t be covered up with makeup or false smiles, photo lenses or filters. Even when she smiles, her eyes don’t. I could never trust someone who had mean eyes.

2. Hillary-care. A behind-closed-doors health plan with the 1st Lady as its architecht? It was so bad, apparently, that even her cronies couldn’t vote for it. And it was the first attempt (of thousands) on her part to be the President of the United States without having been elected. A blatant attempt to use her husband’s power to serve her own ends.

3. No sense of humor. Even when she tries to make a joke it’s forced and usually denigrates someone. People who cannot laugh at themselves have serious problems in my estimation. Too much ego to ever have any humility and probably feels they are incapable of making a mistake.

4. Doesn’t believe in anything (no real position on any issue). Aside from (obviously) wanting to run the free world, the woman is without purpose and position. Like her husband, her position on issues change with each new audience and demographic. Everything is surveyed and polled in order to determine what position should be taken. This means there is an utter lack of conviction in anything she says. She is apparently for everything and against everything equally.

5. She cheated. A resident of Arkansas one day, then after getting a multi-million dollar advance on a tell-all book (which apparently didn’t tell all), a purchase of a multimillion dollar home and voila, she was a New Yorker. So she could run for a Senate seat that was vacating. How does that classify her as representative of the people of New York?

6. She lied. About many things – but in particular, when she ran for re-election of above mentioned Senate seat, she said she would serve her full term. That she had no intention of seeking any other office during her term as Senator. Yet, somehow she is considered the front-runner for the Democrat party. Eh? I could spend a lot of time and space on this point, but I’d need a whole blog to do so and there are others out there who do it much better than I, so I’ll leave it at that.

7. The Two-fer. During Bill Clinton’s campaign, there were countless interviews, wherein they discussed their ‘co-presidency’ and how America would be getting two-for-the-price-of-one. In my mind, junk is still junk, no matter what you paid for it.

8. The Vast Rightwing Conspiracy. While I’ve no doubt that there are millions of conspiracies where politicians are concerned, this was merely a well-orchestrated ploy to take the heat off of her and Bill during the whole Monica-gate, perjury-gate, impeachment-gate fiasco. And the general incompetency of the Clinton presidency. Yet another attempt to blame others for a mess wholly and completely created by them.

9. Righteous Indignation. First of all, few people can carry this off and those who can, use it sparingly. That aside, this woman has no moral highground (at least as far as I could ever see, read or find out about) from which to pontificate. She criticizes the president for going to war, yet she voted to go to war (as did 98 out of 100 fellow Senators) then changes it up by saying he isn’t executing it wrongly. This, from a woman who has no military background whatsoever and whose husband did all he could to dismantle same. And whose largest accomplishment with the Department of Defense was to enact the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy. Exactly, what knowledge, experience, understanding and expertise is she employing in making such a declaration?

10. She cares about no one. I dare anyone out there to find any truly selfless or caring act on her part. Without there being a ulterior motive for the action. And I mean acts not words. Words mean nothing if they aren’t backed up by actions.

11. Makes no difference. She has virtually made no difference or improvement in conditions in this country during her Senatorship. While it’s true that that could be said about many politicians – I’m talking about someone who wants to run the free world. Hell, even Teddy Kennedy tries to do something and authors bills that at least somehow agree with his rhetoric. If you don’t believe me, look it up. Look up how many bills she has actually authored. How many solutions she has actually tried or succeeded in implementing of her own origination.

12. No imagination or vision. We all know she wants to be the next President, but why?What vision does she have for the future of the country? What imagination has she ever demonstrated beyond envisioning herself in the Oval Office? In my mind, the great ones (and even some of the not so great ones) all had a vision. Ronald Regan envisioned a shining city on the hill, for example. What is her vision? Free healthcare for everybody? Nothing’s free, someone will have to pay for it. Don’t you think it’s going to be you and me? No involvement in Iraq and withdrawal of the troops? Is that a vision or a catastrophe waiting to happen?

13. No skill. Aside from talking a pretty good game and having lots of black pantsuits what skill does she bring to anything? She’s already said she isn’t Suzie Homemaker, she doesn’t cook, doesn’t seem to have any interest in children, education, the environment, etc. She just wants everything to be free for everybody except for those who have to pay for it. She hasn’t worked a job since the Rose Law Firm about 20 years ago – she and Bill have been living off the taxpayer for decades. She can’t dance, tell a joke decently or put people at ease. She can’t write, both her books were written by ghostwriters. She can’t even do her own hair and makeup (don’t believe me? look at some early pictures of Hillary).

14. Has no self-respect. While the woman has an ego bigger than the great outdoors, the woman has no respect for herself. She has remained married to a man who has continuously, openly and publically cheated on her. Why? You have to ask yourself what self-respecting individual would remain married to a cheating, lying, unrepentent spouse? The answer – power. She is willing to give up her integrity and self respect for power. To me, not a good reason and one which will cause heartache to the nth degree.

Okay, those are my reasons why I would never vote for Hillary and I suppose an explanation of sorts of why I find her nauseating. Nope, she’ll never get my vote. Will she get yours?



Apparently, someone has pasted this post into a myspace page where Hillary Clinton supporters go. As flattering as that is in a way, if anyone is using my content, without my consent, I insist it be removed. Several bloggers have linked to this post, properly, and I have no problem with that – but I do have a problem with bloggers who feel they’ve a right to go sneaky and underhanded and to use my content for their own purposes. If you have any information regarding has done this, please contact me.



Movies, All About


I love, love, love movies. And I love these dumb little tests. Feel free to throw up your own answers.

1. A movie that you have seen more than 10 times.
Rear Window – A Hitchcock Classic.

2. A movie that you’ve seen multiple times in the theater.
Annie Hall – for some reason I had to see the movie about 5 times before I felt satisfied. Also Harold and Maude.

3. What actor(s) make you more inclined to see a movie.
Harrison Ford, Mel Gibson, Edward Norton, Christian Bale, Johnny Depp, Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock, Helen Mirren, Meryl Streep, Sara Jessica Parker, Reese Witherspoon, Drew Barrymore, Matt Damon

4. What actor(s) make you less likely to see a movie.
Russel Crowe, Brad Pitt, Mark Ruffolo, Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon, Madonna, Jennifer Aniston,

5. A movie that you can and do quote from.
Casablanca, All About Eve, Rainman, the Maltese Falcon, Life of Brian, Young Frankenstein.

6. A movie musical that you know all of the lyrics to all of the songs.
My Fair Lady, Singing in the Rain, Westside Story -not much into musicals

7. A movie that you have been known to sing along with.
My Fair Lady

8. A movie that you would recommend everyone see.
Walk the Line, It’s a Wonderful Life, All About Eve, Conspiracy Theory, The Day the Earth Stood Still

9. A movie that you own.
Following. Now there is  a strange flick.

10. An actor who launched his/her entertainment career in another medium but who has surprised you with his/her acting chops.
Steve Martin, Robin Williams, Cher

11. Have you ever seen a movie in a drive-in? If so, what?
Sure. I don’t really remember, it was when I was a little kid.

12. Ever made out in a movie?
Of course.

13. A movie that you keep meaning to see but just haven’t yet gotten around to it.
Taxi Driver

14. Ever walked out of a movie?
Yeah – The Shining – terrible!

15. A movie that made you cry in the theater.
Terms of Endearment and you mean, sob, don’t you?

16. Popcorn?
Extra butter and salt with large diet coke on the side.

17. How often do you go to the movies (as opposed to renting them or watching them at home)?
Not much these days – most of the films seem more like rentals and go to dvd so quickly that it seems silly to pay the $10 or $12 bucks. A few times a year

18. What’s the last movie you saw in the theater?
Premonition – with Sandra Bullock, which I really, really liked.

19. What’s your favorite/preferred genre of movie?
Murder mystery.

20. What’s the first movie you remember seeing in the theater?
Sinbad and the Seven Seas or something like that.

21. What movie do you wish you had never seen?
The Exorcist. I couldn’t turn the lights off for weeks. 2nd place goes to A Clockwork Orange, made me sick to my stomach.

22. What is the weirdest movie you enjoyed?
Memento – tres strange, but oh so cool.

23. What is the scariest movie you’ve seen?
Exorcist – can’t seem to think of any other that has freaked me as much.

24. What is the funniest movie you’ve seen?
Monty Python and the Holy Grail. 2nd place goes to Groundhog Day. 3rd place goes to The Fabulous Baker Boys.

25. If you could only watch one movie for the rest of eternity, what would it be?
Definitely would be either a Hitchcock movie or a Frank Capra. Rear Window, Vertigo or It’s a Wonderful Life. Not sure.

Tell me about your likes and dislikes.

Bad Thoughts

 Okay, I admit it – I’d sell out a friend just to get rid of my fat ass. Shallow, huh? Still, the fantasy of wearing a size 8 again makes a woman do desperate things. What’s your bad, evil wish? Hmmm? 😉 I know you got one. Eveybody has at least one. Right?


And The Oscar Goes To…

Nah, not really – sorry Al, I doubt you’re getting any awards for your ‘film’ but it was quite an interesting piece of fiction. However, that dress is rather striking, so you might luck out and end up on the best dressed list for the Oscars. And have you been working out because you look positively svelte. 😉 WC

(hat tip to patriot post for the incredibly funny pic – lol, this picture just slays me!)

If you want to read a compelling and interesting post about Algore and his contentions check out this post from my buddy Mick.


God, I Love Junk Food!

Sometimes some people get it just right. And here’s a special that really says special, doncha think? I laughed my ass off on this one.


Is There an American Idol Under There?

I have to tell you I am so not impressed with anybody so far. I know I am new to this American Idol thing – and really maybe I was only meant to watch one season and be on my way. And if the auditions so far are any indication that could be quite true.

For the most part we’ve seen the typical bi-polar individuals who look like they’ve got on their makeup and costume for the big scene in a horror movie – and who sound like tortured souls risen from the depths of hell.

Then there are the simply clueless bambi types who have that big-eyed disappointment when they are told no. As though they don’t understand what the word no, means.

Then the ones who look relatively normal but have way more confidence than talent – and when they flake out on the first song, start singing other songs, sometimes changing up to three times before the judges finally manage to shut them up. “Just give me one more chance,” they all say. “I need a glass of water. I need to go to the bathroom.” Whatever. Do they really think that the judges will forget how bad they were during the 3 minute break – or that they will instantly become genius after they empty their bladder.

I’ve seen 4 or 5 people who will likely make it to the top 24. The blonde girl, they guy named sundance, the guy who looks like a cross between Fidel Castro and a Hassidic Rabbi, the bald guy whose kid was born the day of the audition and the back up singer who looks like a young Gladys Knight. I don’t think we’ve met the idol yet. My prediction. And believe me, there is not a Chris, Kelly, Paris or Taylor among them yet. This could be a really boring year.

This part of the show is always somewhat painful from what I understand – but so far it’s really sucked even the weird auditions were weird creepy, not funny. Remember the mom and daughter look alike team? She had blonde hair and mom was a brunette. Weird glasses, frizzy hair, braless, horrible clothes – and this girl went on and on about how sexy she was. I’m telling you, the meds need to be upped, seriously.

Tonight is another night of agony. Not sure I’ll make it through unless they start showing at least a couple of people worth hearing.


What Are People Looking For?


Okay, I’ve been a blogging for a few months now and so I thought it was time to take stock of why or how people end up at this blog. I’ve compiled a list of search terms from this week and listed them by category and frequency.

So, the number one reason people come to my blog is for shit. Stupid shit, funny shit, cool shit – doesn’t matter, shit is shit, right?
stupid shit
stupid shit to do
utterly stupid shit
cool shit jokes
really cool shit
stupid and cool jokes
really random stupid jokes
shit on my shoe jokes
funny shit
coolest shit on the internet
different days the same shit

Number two reason is apparently inspiration that is somehow connected to death. Now there must be something about all that stupid and funny shit going on here that inspires people – or some of my stuff is so depressing that only really depressed people looking for inspiration come here.
“inspirational words” “death”
inspirational words on the death of child
inspirational words of death
inspirational words death of child
inspirational words for a death in the family
inspiring words for family
how does family feels about death of loved one

Number three reason, appears to be famous people or quotes of famous people.
Helen Keller amazes me because
hemingway motivation passages
ernest hemingway
movie about a writer man’s life
mac davis songs lyrics bug
mac davis photos january 2007
hard to be humble when you are

Number four reason is current events. At last someone is actually interested in my opinion of life and the world around us and politics! Yippee!
current events on race/religion
burn in hell saddam
support the troops my watch tonight
who is the miss america of 2007 prediction
predictions botox anyone 2007
picking your presidential candidate 2007
candidate platforms for election 2008

Number five reason is American Idol. And why not?
taylor hicks meet and greet
taylor hicks favorite saying
american idol seattle popeyed man
dancing queen cover american idol
who is going to be the 2008 american idol

Number six reason is fashion advice. Cool!
how to sit in a skirt
what to wear if you have chicken legs
Why does santa wear Red
global warming underwear on line
underwear boy

Number seven is for our heroes the firefighters – God Bless em.
Firemen Prayer
the words to a firemans pray
firemen and angels
firefighter teamwork sayings

Onto reason number eight which is the search for the drama queen. Well yeah, they’ll definitely find some of that here.
drama queen phrases
belly dance drama queen
drama queen blahs
women dramatic scenes

Reason number nine is food and drink – and really what party would be complete without it?
what to use soup bones in
Julia Childs turkey

Number ten – living for the moment – heavy thinking mind provoking stuff. Yeah, you’ll notice first it’s the shit then it’s thinking stuff.
“live for the moment” chinese symbols
live for the moment pattern
live for the moment or plan for the future

Number eleven is the stuff I guess that appeals to the bipolar in all of us.
okay to talk to yourself outloud
I talk to myself out loud
people who make up stories and hold conversations

Number twelve the stuff that appeals to the evil creature in all of us – as relates to work of course.
tricks to pull on coworkers
birthday letters for clients
toilet office

Number thirteen is those who seek dating advice or commiseration.
manipulation sayings
when a guy asks you to sleep with him
bad date monologue

Number fourteen is taken up by the worriers amongs us.
are you a worry wart?
you are a worry wart

Number fifteen seems to be looking for me personally or advice on hair, not sure.
what happened to Bad Hair Day blogger?
cartoon woman with bad hair day

Number sixteen is clearly a mistake.
good wishes thought
good wishes sayings

Number seventeen, I really don’t have a clue about this one – unless it has something to do with reader feedback or I’ve been writing posts in my sleep again.
hysterical mommy stories
“mommy and daddy wrestling”

Number eighteen proves just how sad we all are – to actually search for nothing…wow
Nothing. Nada.
No nothing, nada, zilch, zip

Number nineteen is the ever popular fat ass syndrome. This particular search item has fallen in popularity it was once quite high on the list. I’m sure it will come back in style as bathing suit season approaches.
you know you’re a fatass when
is my 11 yr old fat

Number twenty apparently is an attempt to steal the pictures that I probably stole to post on a blog.
humorous pictures head exploding
the witches prosthetics photos

Number twenty one a search for answers to the weather.
why can’t the sky be red instead of blue

And finally, number twenty two which is all the other shit that people used to find my blog.
mold on a funny bone
embarrass funny mate
embarrass moment
barney more than hugs lyrics funny
morning hatred
misanthropic quotes
different words for ha ha and ho ho
funning sayings about computers
top ten things you can do with ice
wordPress crit group
poems with made-up words
writers of the show Friends

So i guess in summary, one can only conclude that for the most part people look for my blog when they are looking for shit.