I Was Doing it Wrong!

Who knew all this time I was weighing myself the wrong way! Apparently, I only weight 17 lbs. For cripessakes I am practically anorexic! I need chocolate and ice cream immediately – it’s a matter of life and death. I guess the big fat ass is an optical illusion. It’s all a matter of perspective, doncha think? 😆

WC

Weird Pets

Where I come from, people had pretty ordinary or what you might call normal, pets. Mostly, dogs and cats, maybe a couple of fish, even a horse. Nothing too terribly unusual. The names were pretty normal too – names like King, Queenie, Spot, Fluffy, Smokey, Snowball. Basically names that you wouldn’t name a person, your kid or something, you know pet names.

Though I’ve noticed as the march of time moved on, people got weirder and weirder pets. I think the first clue was the Pet Rock. Now, one has to really think about that for a minute – how much of loser does one have to be in order to only be pet-compatible with a rock? A rock? What’s worse is people even named their pet rocks. Can you say loser?

I think though that this could possibly be an extension of the naming your vehicle thing. Bessie, Fred, WildThang, whatever – people who name their cars and trucks are making pets of them. To me, too weird. I have names for my car but they are reserved for times of stress when the car is giving me trouble and costing me money. They would never be considered endearments of any kind.

After the pet rocks there seemed to be a trend toward naming animals as if they were children or people. Names like Remington, Charlamagne, and Bruce come to mind. Or naming pets after famous people like Thurber, Hemingway and Prince Charles.

Then came the occasional odd pet:

The pet wolf – pretty and sorta looked like a dog but could turn on you at any moment.

The baby racoon that turned into a terror and garbage can addict in just a few short weeks.

Ferretts and mongooses. Oh yeah, out here, they are really popular.

Rats and mice. Now doesn’t it strike you as weird that people would make pets of creatures that whole industries have been created for the sole purpose of destroying same?

How’s about an ocelot? There’s a purty pussycat. Course he’ll take out your eye if you ain’t paying attention.

Pet ants – ant farms. Refer back to mice/rat statement.

Pet snakes. Especially snakes like Boas – great, I love you to death – right?

Of course if you Michael Jackson you have your own giraffe and several chimpanzees.

Pet monkeys – those creepy little dudes that used to be the organ grinder’s friend in the bad B movies from the 40’s & 50’s is now suddenly a really cool pet thanks to Ross from Friends. Yoiks.

Rabbits are also weird pets the poop non-stop, make no really connection to any other living creature and never have any life in their eyes. Sure they are cute but -hello! nobody home.

Lately, my dog (magpie – maggie for short) has been trying to make the possum who lives in our yard her pet. You can always tell when our possum is out and about because Maggie gets all agitated and makes this really annoying whiney sound and runs around in circles chasing her tail. You think she really has to go and you let her outside and then she runs up and down the yard along the back wall making that weird growly whiney sound – apparently trying to teach the Possum how to ‘heel’ or something. It takes an hour sometimes to get her back in the house. And even after she is in, she is still hankering for some quality time with Possum. Do you think if I showed her this picture, she’d change her mind?

Gotta go, she is insisting she has to pee and giving that pathetic, I’m-a-poor-puppy look and I just know that if I choose to believe she is faking I will be cleaning up the carpet later.

So how about you? Know any weird pets?

WC

Hot Off the (Church Lady) Press!

(HT to KellyToo, who sent me this hilarious list. WC)

They’re Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
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Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy.”
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours”

Bad Art!

Call me crazy but isn’t art supposed to be good? Isn’t the idea of art that it is supposed to uplift us, provoke us, make us think, make us respond, make us rethink? If so, I ask you, what does the above portrait make you think? Me? I think it kind of reminds me of Hillary & Chelsea without their makeup and good lighting. But for sure, this is not really improving my life in any way.

Now, I’m not talking about taste. People like and respond to different art forms and different forms of those forms of art. (Don’t worry Michael, we won’t be discussing (c)Rap today.) And while there are certain types of art that really don’t speak to me personally, I can still see it is art. That’s fine and well. It can be far out or whacky or like nothing you’ve ever seen – but if the artist really knows their stuff, like it or not, you’ll know it’s art. Right? To me, if the piece has a high quality of communication and the artistic skill & expertise is there it works.

But what about crap like, Andy Warhole’s campbell soup can? This is art? Huh? Or the famous piece of Jesus’ head in a jar of urine (real urine, mind you) – sorry I forget the name or the museum it’s in. Another of my favorites is a big blue box in the Los Angeles County Museum of Art, called Big Blue Box. Now, what message am I to get from that? That boxes are big and blue? Eh? In my day I’ve seen plenty, whether in real life or in photographs, on the internet, etc. There’s a lot of bad art going around.

In fact, there is a Museum of Bad Art if you find  you simply can’t get enough bad art, or want an afternoon of bad art, this is your place. My particular favorite is called “Haircut” pictured below:

Hey now, how’s about you trim just a little off the top and please don’t stab my eyes.

Then there are these green monstrosities:

 

I’m not sure but I think they are in the nominations lane for entry into the Museum of Bad Art. Or maybe they are just bad and are floating around the universe with all the other really bad art. Like this one:

Spooky huh?

I’m wondering, is really bad art a result of really bad books, really bad television shows, really bad movies and really low standards that is now the American pop culture? Is do we have really bad television shows, really bad movies, really bad books and really low standards because of the the really bad art out there? It’s something to think about.

What do you think?

WC

What’s That Smell?

A few years ago I lived in a little cottage in a rather pastoral setting. There were several other little cottages on the property, all beneath a canopy of grape leaves. In the summer the grapes would ripen and there would be beautiful, deep purple clusters of grapes seemingly hanging in the air. The landlord, a crusty old coot from Hungary also liked to garden and there were rows and rows of fresh tomatoes, berries and peppers – all freely available to we little cottage dwellers.

So there we were all tucked away in this psuedo Tuscan atmosphere, with our grapes and our fresh veggies and little cottages. Mine being, of course, the ultimate writer’s garret. I could pretend to be Hemingway or at least Erma Bombeck. On warm summer nights, I’d prop open the front door to get in a breeze, since the cottage was woefully lacking windows. Still I loved my little space and my privacy.

Well, one night whilst I plopped on the sofa and watched television, I could swear I saw the frying pan dance. I had one of those open floor plans where the kitchen really was just a few feet from the sofa and the stove was definitely in plain sight.

I was puzzled. Now just how does a frying pan dance, I wondered. I shrugged assuming it was shadows playing tricks on my eyes and looked back at the television – but damn if it didn’t happen again. I got up slowly and tip-toed a little closer to the stove and eeek what did I see but a little mouse doing the boogaloo in my frying pan. (Can you say, throw that pan away?)

Naturally, we both screamed – he scurried off and I ordered my cat to attack. No deal. The cat was just a kitten really and not much bigger than the mouse and my dog was so old she barely noticed earthquakes. So, naturally I got the elimnator (the broom) and attacked the back of the stove and the walls and stuff to scare the little bugger out. Yep, didn’t work.

Next day I talk to the crusty old Hungarian about getting rid of the mouse. He acted like he didn’t understand english and so I went to the store and bought some mouse poison. I don’t really like doing stuff like that but hey – I couldn’t have the little vermin running around my house and nibbling on my toes or ears whilst I slept – so mouse poison it was. I place one packet behind the stove and one behind the sofa.

Every night I’d hear a frenzied, gleeful squealing and rattling of the platic bag. Apparently that was mousie coke based on his obvious enjoyment of that which would eventually do him in. Every morning, I’d peek to see just how much of this stuff he was eating – thinking any day now it’d be over. Well, believe it or not, it took several days. Now that mouse had quite an appetite. But finally one day I came home from work and there he was lying dead on my bath mat (yep pitched that too). Phew! that was over. Must remember not to prop door without babygate in it. All is right with the world.

So a couple of days later I’m sitting at my desk and ‘sniff-sniff’ what the heck was that smell? I looked under the desk, checked the trash – tried to remember if I was wearing dirty sweat pants and so on…but nothing. I went back to work. There it was again. That smell! I checked my armpits – was I going through some serious detox? Was I drinking too much water or not enough? Was the exercise tape really making me stink taht much.

I took a shower.

Sure enough the next day, it’s back again. What was it? What other horrible thing had crawled into my house? Where had the dog barfed or the cat peed? What the hell was that smell? I simply could not find the source.

Saturday morning, I got the bug to do a spring cleaning. I whipped out the cleanser and sos pads, the furniture polish, the window cleaner and finally the vacuum. Yep my little cottage was going to sparkle and shine. On went the vacuum and it went merrily about its business sucking up hidden dirt (and I hoped smells) and sand and rocks and whatever else me and the dog dragged in. Ooops had to move my big desk chair – now for as small as that place was I always insisted on having a big comfy leather chair, so it took up some room – but it was worth it. So move chair out of way and gasp! what do I see? Yep, my mousie’s dancing partner. There she was in all her white and brown speckled glory. And she was rightly stinking the place up. I could never find the source of the smell cuz it was right under my big fat ass the whole time.

So the moral to the story is, if you got one mouse than probably have two. And a dead mouse really stinks!

WC

Me & Zelda in 40 Years

I loved this cartoon – because it truly reflects what a retard I am at heart. And also I was doing this all day – completely misunderstanding what everyone said like ‘time for lunch’ sounded like ‘slimey hunch’ and ‘that’s the ticket’ sounded like ‘tits in a widget’ – yeah another fine day at my new job. 😉

WC

Zip, Zilch, Nothing, Nada, Not a Thing

I haven’t a thought in my head – an opinion burning in my brain, a complaint, observation, joke, or really anything to say. I’m fresh out. So…look at the purty picture (sunset at the North Pole) I posted for you and I’ll go try to think of something for tomorrow.

WC

The Joy of Creating

My good pal JG lives in Texas now. I miss her but I also envy her, as Texas has a certain something about it – where you just feel like the individual is king. You know? She sent along some pics of recent innovative inventions out her way. I’m in awe frankly, the ingenuity it took to come up with these is amazing. 😉  WC

Now you did know I was funning ya, didn’t ya? 😉

The Blog Gods Are Angry!#$%@&*!

First of all let me just say this is all Bill Gates’ fault! The dawg!

Okay, I’ve been blogging for a little while now- I think I’ve learned the ropes more or less. Know how not to crash my hard-drive, or blow up my computer, can’t write code but sort kinda know what it is, right? Right. Got a photobucket account, just like my mentor told me to – learned how to download pics so they don’t look like you’ve just had a hit of acid or something. Can tag surf, check my comments, response to readers in bold, add links and blah, blah, blah. Right?

So suffice to say that given the glorious ease that WordPress gives you in blogging – I can function within the normal confines of blogging. I’m not a blackbelt or anything – but I know my way around the ol’ blogosphere. And yet….

In my adventures as a blogger I have had to actually shut down a blog and reopen it under a different name because one day I just couldn’t add categories to my posts. For you layman out there, those are ‘tags’ ‘keywords’ that people use to find subject matter on the net. I tried and tried. But there was clearly no way to trick the system – even tech support was baffled. So – okay, no big deal transfer the blog over and start again.

Then I’ve had posts just disappear. Now you see it now you don’t. Again, some sort of glitch in the cyber universe, as I’ve commiserated with others whose posts have vaporized as well.

I’ve had code that simply refused to be deleted and finally won because after two hours you just say uncle. Which resulted in half the post being in one font and the other half in another.

I’ve had regular readers end up in the spam box, rather than having their comments posted and spammers doing pingbacks, making nonsequitor posts and happily running down the halls, spraying graffitti everywhere.

Not long ago, I added a bright new blogger to my blogroll. He’s bright, funny and a pleasure to read. And I thought, what the heck, I like this guy and I’m linking him. No problem, right? Well the weird thing is that whenever I click on the link I get redirected to some weird admin link and one of those insipid messages that says basically ‘screw you, you’re not getting in.’ I’ve recently discovered that if I’m logged out I can sometimes actually access his page. Sigh. So, I’m trying Chris.

Then today – well I had this cute little post all set up about snow in L.A. and a great little vid to go with it. But nope, wasn’t going to happen. The last two hours have been chewed up trying to make it work and it just goes into download hell and never arrives.

Poor tech support, I’ve emailed them so much lately that surely I’m in their permanent spam list – and pain in the ass file. And who could blame them? I feel like that little old lady who is always bringing stuff back to the store insisting it doesn’t work but of course it works for everyone else.

So, now I’m sure of it. It is simply the Great Blog Gods in the sky. They are pissed at me. They are making me pay. They got an email from Bill Gates telling them I refuse to download yet another version of his piece-of-shit IE browser and they are conspiring against me. They’re all up there smoking cigars, counting their money, drinking beers and laughing their asses off. Trying to figure out how else they can screw with me. The rat bastards!

Well, I will not relent! I will not download that hideous browser. They can torment me all they like. I still refuse to be herded like cows into their mindless one-world order composed of all of those who must obey! (Can you hear the trumpets now?)

Give me liberty or screw you! I have not yet begun to bitch! I will prevail!

Phew…I feel better now. Have a nice day. 😉

WC