Which of Santa’s Reindeers Are You?

Which of Santa’s Reindeer are you?

Comet

Like Comet you are always happy. Nothing seems to get you down and you can always put a smile on people’s faces

Find out which of Santa’s Reindeer you are at Quizopolis.com

That’s right, I’m cheerful little Comet. Click the link and check out your reindeer profile. Oh come on, it’s fun!

WC

Holy Smokes – It’s All About Content

Any doubt that the Internet has become our religion? I think not.

WC

Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid

 

Like any good paranoid, there are many things that whig me out, make me suspicious and upset me. Naturally, little of it has anything to do with reality – just an over-active imagination.

But there are some things that really do scare me. Like:

• The noises I only hear when I’m at home alone, at night when the wind is blowing or it’s raining or there is a power outage. I never, ever, ever, ever hear these noises when there is anyone (other than my dog) with me. And no matter what the sound sounds like, I’m convinced it’s someone trying to break in.
• Getting any kind of terminal disease. In fact, I can’t watch those disease of the week movies anymore because I am simply too suggestible. Heck, I went to dinner with Zelda the other night and she wasn’t feeling so great, so I got sick to my stomach too, lest I be left out.
• Being eaten by a shark and/or drowning in the ocean. I never really learned how to swim. I can tread water and swim on my back sort of…but diving off the side of a boat or dock or pool and swimming with my face actually in the water? On purpose? No way! And the ocean is just way too big anyway. When I first came out to California from the Midwest (where they don’t have oceans) one of the first things we did was go to the ocean. It was beautiful, dark, swirling, deep, deep blue and oh so appealing on a hot summer day. I saw these other people wading out and sort of riding the waves as they came in – like a little hop and then the wave caught you and you floated for a second. Weeeee! What fun. So, I was out there too. Riding the waves and thinking ‘look at me, look at me, I’m not afraid.’ I turned toward the shore and saw my boyfriend waving to me and pointing and I waved back, happy as a clam. He kept waving and waving. Weird. Then when I turned away from him and toward the ocean there was a wave about 15 feet high staring me in the face. I shrieked and then it grabbed me and tumbled me (luckily) all the way to the shore. I was spitting sand and seaweed for hours afterwards. That was the last time I went into the ocean.
• Eating insects. When I was in high school, a classmate offered me a chocolate, which I took happily and popped into my mouth. When I bit down on it there was a crunch and a horrible taste. My classmate was rolling as he watched me have to swallow the chocolate covered bumble bee, because if I screamed the teacher would have sent me to the principle’s office. Damn him!
• Mystery noises from my car. It doesn’t matter what kind of car or what kind of noise. To me, any noise that comes from a car is a bad thing. Mostly because I don’t know what they mean. And what’s worse when I try to explain it to the mechanic I can’t find the right adjectives to describe it. Once they discover the problem (if there is one) their description is so far afield of what I would have called it, that it makes me wonder if English really is my first language.
• Being without computer access. If I am cut off from my computer and/or the Internet for more than a couple of hours I start to panic. Sweat beads on my upper lip and I begin to feel like a drug addict going through withdrawal. I get pissed beyond belief and have the urge to track down Bill Gates to give him a piece of my mind. I am seriously addicted people. Scary.
• Any food that smells funny. It doesn’t matter where it comes from, a grocery store, a fast food place, a fancy eatery, my Aunt Emma – if it smells funny, even slightly…it’s in the trash.
• Having no ideas. This has happened to me on occasion, I simply have not one idea in my head. I can’t think of a story, poem, editorial comment, rant or anything. Nuthin’! I immediately start to think that this is the end – I will never write again. I have used up all the creative juices God gave me and apparently squandered them because I’m still not rich and famous and now it’s all over. The thrill is gone. No more magic. I’m officially ordinary. I must do copious amounts of shopping during these periods.

So there you have it, my biggest fears. What are yours?

WC

Chocolate Goes Underground?

You know I was thinking…I know, it’s dangerous when my gray matter gets going…but I digress. This world is getting more and more politically correct. Things we thought were just plain normal a decade ago could possibly be against the law today. For instance, what if some yahoo junior Congressman decided that chocolate was a public danger? What if they made it against the law?

Now, you’re probably laughing and think, oh that’s just too ridiculous but hey transfats are against the law in New York now, right? Why not chocolate? It release endorphins, changes moods, contributes to body fat, cholesteral and makes otherwise sane people drive to the grocery store at three in the morning. Face it folks, chocolate creates altered states in we humans. Somebody could probably make the case that it should be added to the list of schedule one narcotics.

But oh for the humor of it, I wish it would happen. Imagine, we’d have chocolate police. Belguims would be considered risks to national security (unless they gave up their recipes and revealed the locations of their factories). People would start smuggling it in from Switzerland, black market racketeers would be producing car panels made of chocolate and some poor housewife would be busting in the dead of  night by the chocoloate police, whilst munching on her front bumper.

There’s be chocolate labs tucked away in abandoned buildings, small apartments and little out of the way cafes across the country. People would be stopped to have their breaths sniffed by the chocolate brigade.

Valentine’s Day would be a thing of the past. Christmas, Mother’s Day, Birthdays, anniversaries would all be a little less fun and delicious. Cake would only come in vanilla and fruit flavors. Hagan Daas would go out of business. A whole section of Starbuck’s menu would be erased.

PMSing women everywhere would be roaming the streets looking for their fix – and beating up their spouses if they didn’t come through. Easter would be one big hard boiled egg.

Millions of people would be thrown out of work and have to earn their incomes working for shady folks who knew how to move the goods. It would be a veritable nightmare.

I can feel myself breaking into a sweat, my heart is racing and I’m starting to pant a little. Please, not the chocolate!!!!

Gotta go, there’s a 1 pound trader joe’s chocolate bar I have a date with. Just to be on the safe side, I’m going to plant some in my garden and see if anything grows. Hey, it couldn’t  hoit. 😉

WC

Hope Your Weekend…

is going better than this little guy’s.  Sorry, I just can’t stop laughing. Oh, and Happy Mother’s Day to all the mommy’s out there. Hope you are all treated like queens and at least get some flowers and breakfast in bed.

WC

Fatal Attraction

It has never ceased to amaze me, that no matter what my fantasy is, I’m not theirs. Know what I mean?

Perhaps it is Murphy’s Law, but why is it the only thing chasing me, makes me run as fast as possible to the nearest police station? I’m saying. 😉

WC

A Meme of My Own

It seems that everybody is meme-ing lately, and I thought, what the heck, I’ll try one of my own. Feel free to jump in, with lists, opinions and heck if you want to consider yourself tagged, then please feel free.

1. The nicest thing anyone ever said to me: My friend Allen told me he thought I’d be a great teacher. That’d I’d be known as ‘that really cool teacher that everybody loves.’

2. The song that never fails to get me over myself: Layla – original version.

3. Worst day of my life: The day my dad died. I was upset all day and didn’t understand why. Nearly got fired from my job and ended up sobbing in my car after work. When I got home, there was a message on my answering machine from my step-mom and of course, I knew. There would have been no other reason for her to call me, since I barely knew her and she and my dad married long after I moved to California and had a life of my own. I devastated before I even dialed the phone, which took all the strength I had. All the colors in my life, drabbed down for quite a while after that.

4. Scariest bug I ever saw: I still don’t know what it was. I was living in one of those hillside cabin type homes that are popular and plenty in L.A. It was a somewhat rustic place that we rented from an ex-hippie – but it came with a garden and a 90 step walk from the street up the hill to get to it. One night, I’m chatting with my chum, Ruthy and out from behind the couch comes this giant ant-like, albino creature that seemed to give me the hairy eyeball. My bowl of popcorn went flying and I screamed. Ruthy took her size 10 shoe and splat went the scarey bug. Still gives me shivers.

5. Weirdest exchange I’ve ever had with another human being: When I first moved to L.A., I lived in an area that was near MacArthur Park. It was a bizarre neighborhood and it provided my first real experience with bag ladies and bag men (now called the homeless). They were all interesting characters, albeit tortured human beings. One lady in particular, we used to call Tinkerbell because she walked around dressed in a tutu and carried a wand with a paper, glittery star attached to it.

One day, she wandered into the office I worked in and in a very heavy Hungarian accent asked to see the owner. I informed her he wasn’t there. She smirked and told me it was because she was the owner of the business. Yes, she was sure of it and she wanted me to show her where her office was. I tried to reason with her but she was relentless and refused to leave. I got up from my seat and tried to escort her out of the building but she started thwapping me with her magic wand and screamed, “help, police. help, help, help!” Then just as suddenly as she started all the nonsense, she left – flipping me the bird on her way out.

6. My first devastating moment: When I was about 8, being the good Catholic girl that I was – I prepared for my First Communion. To be honest, I truly had no understanding of it and why all the fuss, but good girls do as the parents say. Two days before the event I was taken to the beauty parlor by my aunt to ‘get my hair done.’ This was very exciting because I’d never been to the beauty parlor except to watch my Mom and other adults get their hair done. Lucky me. Except, I had really long hair. It was fine and very wavy. A mass of tangles and knots that my mother complained about brushing. You guessed it – after my shampoo and conditioning my aunt told the lady to cut my hair. The woman whacked off about 3 inches – I winced but it wasn’t too bad. Then my aunt shook her head no and mouthed the word, ‘more.’ Next thing I knew all my beloved hair was on the floor and I had a bob. I cried for 2 weeks. There isn’t one salvagable photograph from my First Communion because I gave everyone the evil eye the whole day. And really it took me a long time to forgive God.

7. A talent most people don’t know I have: Two talents actually – I can almost always find lost items, particularly keys – unless it’s me who has lost them. I have an amazing knack for remember useless and trivial facts.

8. The funniest thing I’ve ever said out loud: Why are dead people driving cars?

9. Worst gift I ever got from a significant other: A snickers bar, in a plastic grocery bag, for Valentine’s Day. And no, there wasn’t a card in there either.

10. Favorite punchline(s): 1. You had Johnny Ringo’s gal. 2. God Ma, sometimes you really piss me off.

11. Weirdest food I’ve ever eaten: Smoked eel. I was on a blind date with a loser who thought he was quite sophisticated. He insisted on taking me to a Sushi restaurant despite my protestations and was hurt when I ordered Tempura. He forced me to tried smoked eel from his plate, which tasted like barbecued tire. I spit it into my napkin and never saw him again.

12. Strangest thing I ever got paid to do: Buffing a bus with Zelda. It’s too long a story to tell here, so I will have to do a future post about it. But take my word for it, bus buffers have a mind of their own.

13. The one modern convenience I couldn’t live without: A flushing toilet. I can manage without a computer, without a cell phone, a television and even a car – but I could never make it if I had to rely on latrines, outhouses or worse.

14. What I want written on my tombstone: Thanks for laughing.

15. Creepiest landlord I ever had: Elliot. I lived in a guest house on the back of his property. It was a great little place and I really loved it. Until, I had to go to the front house and pay the rent. Then I would have to engage in a conversation with a man who would make Rod Serling sit up and take notice. He had two club feet and so walked with canes and wore thick, eyeglasses that made his eyes look 5 times their size. Also one of those eyes seem to wander in the opposite direction of the other. I lived there for many years and even though he was creepy, given his infirmities I didn’t worry about my welfare, however, I constantly got obscene phone calls. One day, it dawned on me that it was Elliot making the calls. I had my number changed and miraculously, the calls stopped until….I was forced to give him my number. Then of course they would start again. I had my number changed, again and again and again – always with the same result. Even to this day it kind of creeps me out to think about it.

16. Most useless item I ever bought: A cardboard cat-scratcher from Trader Joe’s. Now I love TJ’s as much as the next person – but don’t ever buy this item. Besides the fact that it is impossible to actually put together, it’s a really just a hunk of very expensive cardboard.

17. Most unusual thing I ever cooked: Crawdads. Now, I realize that these are a common southern delicacy and in fact, they are quite delicious. But the thing that makes it unusual is because of the way we happened upon the crawdads. There is a little park that is a sort of annex into Griffith Park, which is a huge national park out here. A few of us decided to have a picnic in this little park annex and happened upon a crik (creek) and we noticed these tiny lobster like creatures strolling around on the bottom. Next thing I knew somebody found some string, bread and cheeze whiz and we were fishing crawdads. We caught an entire bucketful, probably got the entire crawdad population in that crik – then we went home and threw them in a pot of boiling water. Yum, yum, they was some good eatin’.

So there you have it, all the stuff you never wanted to know about me. What about you?

WC

Green-Eyed Monster

Do you remember the first time you ever felt jealousy? I do. It was in kindergarten and Rudy Richards (little hotty that he was) was my sorta boyfriend.

He used to run at me, kiss me, knock me on my dainty little butt and take off like the wind again. Ah, bliss. My heart did a little pitter pat whenever he was around. He always shared his apple with me and would push me on the swings. Plus he had a really nice mom.

Life was sweet until Rudy set his sights on Judy Thompson – the little  harlot with her ruffles and dimpled cheeks. Oh yeah, once he saw her, I was like yesterday’s milk. No more running kisses for me. His heart had been taken by another.

Well, that’s all water under the bridge now. And it’s especially fun that he grew up to be a hoodlum and God knows where Judy ended up.

But I wonder, did the Rudy incident set me up where men were concerned? Did he instill in me a distrust at that young an age? Did he scar me for life? Hell, no. But it is amusing to think about.

So, what was the first pang  you ever felt from the green-eyed monster? Did you survive it? Are you still hurting? Did you have the last laugh?

WC

Before I Kick the Bucket

Ever think about all the stuff you want to do or see or experience before you leave this Earthly existence. It’s a favorite of TV sit-com characters and kind of fun to think about. Below, are a few things that ring my bell.

1. Be serenaded by Eric Clapton – even better if he wrote me my own song but I don’t want to push it.

2. Write and publish a best-selling novel – still, 12 would be better but Mom always told me not to be greedy.

3. Ice skate without falling on my ass every 10 seconds.

4. Critique Simon Cowell on national television.

5. Have a seance wherein I can meet & converse with Hemingway, Twain, Chandler, Heinlein & Ayn Rand. Hopefully, getting some really great ideas for #2.

6. Be a size 8 again. Okay, I admit it, vanity trumps all for me.

7. Grow a 40lb tomato. Naturally, this is a physical impossibility – but there is a certain freak-show appeal to such things. And Miracle Grow will likely be involved.

8. Own a home. Something cute and quaint. A cabin in the sky, a beach shack done in a Monet, abstract kind of way. One with a garden and yard for the pets. A patio where I can write on my laptop while being one with nature. You know?

9. Go for an entire 24-hour period without worrying about anything.

10. Hear Jesse Jackson tell the truth. Talk about headline news.

11. See Ted (Iamawalrus) Kennedy voted out of office in favor of some young, pastey-faced Republican.

12. See the Grand Canyon.

13. Make a movie – preferrably one that people want to see. But just having that director’s chair might be worth the price of admission for me.

14. Outlive Reality TV. Nuff, said.

15. Learn how to tap dance. I’ll admit this isn’t an absolute necessity but something about that happy feet thing really appeals to me.

16. Learn to ride a horse so that he won’t race back to the stables the minute my ass hits the saddle.

17. Say something really profound without following it up with something incredibly stupid.

18. Climb a mountain – a real one, albeit small. Looking good in hiking shorts and boots would be a prerequisite though.

19. Drive a tractor without killing anyone – although playing chicken with a few farmhands might be fun.

20. Feel fearless about anything.

21. Put AT&T out of business, the bastards!

22. Find an Internet provider that doesn’t suck.

23. Discover the cure for Spam.

24. Finish my damned synopsis.

I think that’s a pretty good list for now. What’s on your list?

WC

Chicks in dah Hood

Oh yeah, that’s what I’m talking about!

 Apparently, this is what I have to look forward to in my twilight years. Although, who can complain about an awesome biker jacket and doo-rag? Not I, my friends, not I. 😉

WC