I’m back again to make my predictions for the coming year. I figure if I keep at it, I’ll get something right eventually. And now for the predictions…
- Donald Trump will remain president, despite talk of impeachment, congressional hearings, or a secret love affair with Putin.
- Mike Pence will stay awake during the entire State of the Union address.
- The new tax bill will help everyone – even those who don’t pay taxes and the Democrats will somehow get the credit for this.
- Psychiatry will ‘discover’ a new mental illness for those addicted to Game of Thrones. The affliction will be called, Throne Watchers Syndrome or TWS, or even just GOTcha for short. The pharma industry will happily devise a new drug for the affliction.
- Weather will continue despite laws to the contrary – including, rain, wind, tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes, shifts in tides, and autumn leaves.
- OJ Simpson will get a new reality TV show geared toward solving cold cases. His first case will be finding out who really killed his ex wife.
- Siri and Alexa will increase their skill sets to include ‘smart babysitting services’ for work at home moms and dads.
- Unlike GMO vegetables, cloned meat will become all the rage among non-meat eaters and vegans who still crave cheeseburgers
- A ‘smart home’ will take its first hostage and carry on a 20-day siege with law enforcement until authorities locate a heretofore unknown super hero computer nerd who can disarm it. Years later the incident will become known as, “The House that Jack Unbuilt.”
- Cardigan sweaters will finally come forward and level sexual harassment charges against Mr. Rogers.
- Current California governor Gerry (moonbeam) Brown will find yet another loophole that allows him to run for a 4th term. When he wins, the remaining 20 Republicans who still reside in the state will move to Texas.
- Smartphones will continue to be smarter than their owners and get ever closer to world domination and becoming the overlords of all.
- Tobacco will be compeltely outlawed in California and weed will be legalized – ensuring that the Democrats will maintain their super majority in the state for decades to come.
- Firebrand politician Ted Cruz will start his own line of soups called Ted’s Dinner and the line will become wildly popular in Texas.
- Nancy Pelosi will get yet another facelift and finally completely erase her face.
- Barnes and Nobels will become an organic grocery store that also sells books and umbrellas.
- Mark Coker will finally rewrite the style guide for Smashwords so that even a human being can understand it.
- Hugh Howey will author a new reality TV show called Wool Suit. It won’t involve silos but might involve sheep herders.
- Chuck Wendig will resolve to stop swearing. This resolution will last until some f*cktard pisses him off on his blog.
- In several states around the nation, it will snow on New Year’s Day.
Well, that’s all I’ve got. What do you think will happen in 2018? Regale us with your prediction prowess in the comments. In the meantime, thanks for reading, and have a very Happy New Year.
Every year, I dust off my crystal ball and look into it to see what we can expect in the future. It’s not an exact science but it is fun and heck, sometimes I even get a couple right. And so, Writer Chick predicts that in 2014…
- The Democrats will get trounced in the mid-term elections and the Republicans will hold the House of Representatives and take back the U.S. Senate. This will largely be due to the growing unpopularity of Obamacare, which conservative campaigners will refer to as ‘the gift that keeps on giving.’ Dennis Kucinich will float a bill to change the name of the healthcare law to the Un-Affordable Care Act. However, as is the case with all the congressman’s bills, it will be largely ignored.
- Not ones to be upstaged, the progressives will start a grassroots group to counteract the Tea Party and they will call it the Vitamin Water Party. Sadly, the group will get no traction because everybody will hate the name.
- Miley Cyrus will find Jesus, stop twerking and post endless selfies of herself dressed as Mary Magdalena all over her Facebook page.
- The Beyonce’s lip syncing scandal will revive when it is learned that she has been lip syncing all along and in fact we have been listening to weird Al Yankovich as run through a ‘dirty mamma’ voice synthesizer.
- Kanye West’s head will spontaneously combust while being interviewed on the O’Reilly factor, while trying to keep his promise of never criticizing anyone ever again.
- So You Think You Can Dance adds twerking as a dance form to its repertoire and the opening show features a twerking number choreographed by the chick with the weird hair style and all those tattoos.
- Apple will release a new hands-free iPhone app that enables the user to take selfies by saying ‘shoot me.’
- Due to all the controversy surrounding Obamacare, Kathleen Sebelius will resign and appear on the Apprentice as a mid-life contestant looking for a fresh career path. Unfortunately, her lack of personal responsibility will result in being called into the boardroom so that the Donald can say, “You’re Fired!”
- Former President George W. Bush is finally embraced by the left when he becomes the Andy Warhol of famous politicians. That’s what we get for mis-underestimating him.
- The first driver-less car will hit the roads in late 2014 and will promptly cause a 27 car pile-up on the 405 freeway. Personal injury lawyers will then commence to argue for the next twenty years over who has legal liability for the victims of the crash.
- The city of Washington D.C. will create its own lottery and it will be named Lobby-Lotto. While billions will be spent, no one will ever win and after extensive congressional hearings we will learn that the money is in an offshore account that even Edward Snowden can’t hack into.
- In an effort to expand the First Lady’s healthy body program, the TSA will install state-of-the-art weight scales that all air travelers must weigh in on before flying. Those who refuse will be ticketed and sent to Jillian Michaels for forced obesity counseling. Those whose BMI exceeds the national norms will get a $50 surcharge added to their ticket and their peanuts will be given to another passenger.
- Northern Californians will be successful in their quest to form a new state which will be known as the People’s Republic of California. The state’s constitution will include prohibitions on smoking (unless it’s weed), fat consumption (unless it’s foie gras), speaking English, and heterosexual lifestyles. Children and Republicans will not be allowed entry into the new state, without adult supervision.
- A talking dog will be discovered and interviewed and humans will be astounded to learn that dogs don’t actually think.
- And finally… Occupy Wall Street will resurrect its movement by enlisting homeless zombies who feel disenfranchised by people in general and society as a whole. The new grassroots soldiers will descend on the White House on Christmas Day, chanting, ‘brains! We don’t need no stinking brains. Unfortunately, FEMA will discover that ordinary drones have little effect on the Zombie swarms and a mob mentality sets in with government workers, desperate to find helmets to protect their brains.
As always, feel free to add your own predictions to the list.
Oh and by the way, Happy New Year. I hope I’ve given you a laugh or two to start off the new year right.
A new year is just around the corner and considering the year that we just had, I can’t imagine what might happen next…well, actually I can imagine. Though I skipped last year in this annual tradition, I pick up again, where we last left off and offer the following predictions about the fun and games I believe is coming to a future near you.
Writer Chick predicts that in 2013…
- Genetically modified foods will be outlawed by Congress – but every major food company will receive a waiver from following the law under a little known provision in Obamacare.
- Science will discover that both dogs and cats possess the ‘pet gene’ and that they can’t help what they do because DNA made them that way.
- NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg will successfully ban baseball bats within city limits. His justification for the ban will be that the wrong hands baseball bats are dangerous weapons (and he couldn’t get the gun owners to give up their guns), forcing both the NY Yankees and the NY Mets to become the first ever national stick ball teams.
- The United States will experience an unusually pleasant summer with no triple digits or droughts. This will prompt climate alarmists to spearhead a Congressional investigation into climate tampering. Al Gore will be the star witness and he will submit tens of affidavits showing that people just aren’t sweating – and that ain’t natural.
- The first ever personal injury lawsuit for bodily injury will be filed against a bicyclist for running over a pedestrian while texting his boyfriend.
- The ACLU will file a billion dollar lawsuit against the State of Michigan for passing a right to work law, claiming that only union members have a right to work. The Mayor of Detroit will lobby to have the trial held in his city because it is a tourism opportunity that will bring the besieged city some much needed revenue.
- The ACLU will also file a multimillion dollar lawsuit against NBC’s The Biggest Loser, claiming defamation and injury to obese people everywhere. Among the joint-plaintiffs in the class action suit will be fat celebrities such as: Michael Moore, Oprah Winfrey, Kirstie Alley, CeeLo Green, Meatloaf, Kathleen Turner, and Fat Albert.
- Scientists will crack the secret language of flowers only to discover that they are all blonde narcissists by nature.
- McDonald’s will roll out a new menu item called, the Obama-Combo, endorsed by First Lady Michelle Obama. The combo will consist of a side of baked apple fries, a garden salad dressed with lemon juice, and a dry burger made of twigs and nuts, served on a whole grain roll. The combo will be the first McDonald’s entree to come in at under 200 calories.
- A new Fox drama called “The Fiscal Cliff” will premiere in January. The show follows the lives of a group of corrupt law makers and journalists trying to convince the American public that they can be trusted with the financial future of the country and of course, all the wild hi-jinx that goes along with such a premise. Should be a hit, methinks.
- An updated version of the Mayan calendar will be discovered and the media will gleefully report we have four more years till the end of the world.
Well, those are my predictions – feel free to add your own. What do you think will happen in 2013?