Celebrities Know Best

There’s been a ‘spoof’ vid going around lately put out by I think the SNL guys that makes fun of big bad insurance companies and promotes the National Healthcare plan. It’s marginally funny, except that what they don’t seem to realize is most insurance companies are chomping at the bit to get National Health Care – think federal subsidies, folks.

Below, is the answer to the SNL vid (put out by these folks). Pretty freaking funny if you ask me.

Play Ball!

So my little sister, Kathy was in town over the weekend. She comes out once a year to see friends, she once lived out here and then ultimately decided to go back to Michigan and make her permanent home there. Anyway, usually when she comes out we meet have a long lunch and then that’s it. This time out however, I suggested we try doing something more fun than a house salad and iced tea at the Black Cow.

She was receptive to the idea and we decided we’d take in a ballgame. She took care of getting the tickets and scaring up other chums to join us and all was cool. A few days later I got an email from her husband asking me to call her because of course she didn’t have my phone number with her. So, I took down the number and made the call. Now, you have to understand that Kath lives in the Detroit area and I always forget how much more direct they are out there, it’s been so long since I lived there and I’ve lived in California for pretty much all of my adult life – you know land of the nuts and twigs where everything is just nice and easy? Anyway, I call her cell and get her message which goes like this -“This is Kathy, you got my cell phone, leave a message. Good bye.” If I were to explain the tone though the message would have been more like: “this is Kathy, you wanna make something out that? So, you wanna leave a message, huh? Well go ahead, I dare ya!” I swear I was laughing so hard I could hardly leave the message. But that’s my sis, God love her, she is nothing if not direct.

So, she gets in town we have a nice breffy on Saturday morning – she asks if I want to join her at the LaBrea Tar Pits, which I decline because I have work to do and we part company. Sunday, is game day and her friend Dar comes by my house (since she lives nearby) so Kath can just swing by and pick us both up because still after four years it is a mystery to her how to get around my little burg – not sure why since there is only one main road and is quite a small little place but it just causes her problems. So Dar comes over we have coffee and some toast and chat away, waiting for Kath. The game is at one and it’s nearly noon so we’re wondering. Sure enough the phone rings and “I’m lost, pick up the phone, where are you – hello, hello, helloooooo?” Okay, pick up the phone, yes turn around, hang a right at the Starbuck’s – okay see you in a minute.”

All right then finally she’s there, we all pile into the car and we’re off. As we’re driving toward the 5 she says, ‘now how do you get to Dodger Stadium again? Should we be on the 5 or the 2?’ She says this to a car full of women who of course have no fricking idea where we are going. We resolve in the end to stay on the 5 because the 5 leads to all things in Southern California and we figure we’ll see the signs for the stadium. Well as soon as we start to see them then traffic comes to a halt and it takes about 35 minutes to just get off the off ramp to the stadium and another 10 to get the half mile to the stadium, people racing up the turn lane and cutting in front which pisses her off more.

At last we reach the stadium, park in the lower 40 and start the half mile hike to the stadium – when we’re just to the gates she remembers she’s forgotten her camera and wants to go back but oh no, we won’t let her. Then through the three bag checks and ticket showing, blah blah. Okay, so here’s the thing we entered at the exact opposite of where we should have, so we walk the entire length of the stadium only to discover we are on the 7th level, up the escalators, into the cramped elevator and at last we find our section, then down to almost the bottom where we find our seats smack dab in the middle of the row. Which is fine for us – not so much for the people who have to stand up during our constant comings and goings.

So I sit down and I say to Dar and Chris at the end of the first inning – ‘okay, well we aren’t going to get any real action til the 7th inning and then it will be neck in neck and then we’ll go into extra innings.’ This is a thing I do – predict ball games. Don’t know why but it just comes into my head and I say it. As the game progressed and my prediction became truer and truer, my seat mates kept glaring at me and saying, ‘God, can’t you let them score already?” I assured them I only predicted I didn’t have the power to intercede. It was good though because that gave us plenty of time to go and buy stuff and visit the bathroom and smoke a couple of cigarettes. I had my hotdog and beer for a mere $15 dollars. Yup, beer was 12 ounces and cost $8 – hey somebody has to pay those salaries right? So we sat in the sweltering sun – watched inning after innning with no runs, over and over. It did start to get a little interesting but by the bottom of the 9th Kathy says, if they don’t score by the end of this inning you want to go? Of course we did, we are girls after all and none of us really had a horse in the race -so yeah, we were game for leaving. Sure enough no runs so up we got, promising the people on the aisle it was our last departure from the seats and we started for the exits. Of course the other three had to hit the ladies room first – go figure. Then just as we got to the car we heard the crowd going ape shit, which probably meant that somebody scored and since the Dodgers were playing their arch rivals the Giants I’m assuming it was the Dodgers who scored. Ironically, we didn’t bother to turn the radio on when we got in the car to see who scored or if anyone scored, the ball game now just being a thing of the past and air conditioning and finding a frozen margarita far more parmount in our minds.

And that my friends is how four women enjoy a baseball game. Oh and the magaritas were divine. And I still don’t know who won that game. 😉

Zelda and the Money Pit

Many of you are familiar with my good friend Zelda, we have had many adventures in the past and continue have them, even as we approach our broken down middle aged years. Last year she and another friend of hers decided they didn’t want to work for the rest of their lives and thought it would be a really smart idea to invest in some real estate. They wanted to do the old flipping thing. You know, you buy a place, fix it up and then sell it? Easy as flapjacks, right?

Well Zelda being Zelda, naturally chose the perfect moment to go into this business -about 6 weeks before the crash. Isn’t there a saying…timing is everything…. Before they even had the first wall knocked down the value of property had evaporated like 7-11 gasoline. Though the property they bought was a very cool place up in the canyons with a spectacular view and lots of potential – it had been owned and lived in by a couple of crack heads for years and the work to just make the place livable was overwhelming, much less make it a showcase.

Now before all of this, Zelda had a small, albeit, thriving consulting business which she was doing smashingly with and making very nice income from and was more than comfortable. In fact, she was the only really prosperous one in our group of friends and we often had barbecues, summer cookouts and parties over there and had a lot of fun. Zelda bought the food, we cooked it and everyone ate it – a nice arrangement we all thought. Then this new business idea came to her in a dream or something and within weeks she went from snazzy, savvy businesswoman to beat-up, down-trodden day worker. Each time I saw her she had some new nerve damage, gash, cut, abrasion or burn. I secretly wondered if she was training for an xTreme fighting club soon to debut in Madison Square Garden.

Over the last several months, she has continued to rennovate and do improvements on the place – and whenever asked how much longer to go, her response was, ‘just a couple more weeks’ and after a while none of us asked her because it was apparent that Zelda was going to continue doing improvements until the house was bought and sold and the family moved in and asked her to leave.

She has lost 20 pounds, of which she is quite proud, however, being unable to stand upright and walk without a limp does take away from the newfound svelte figure and really how sexy can you be in a pair of steel toed boots and your big brothers jeans and tees?

Oh yes, back to the money pit part. I cannot reveal how much they paid for the house nor how much they have spent, however I can say that of the 67 credit cards she has, she isn’t sure if any of them have enough left on them to buy dinner, her secret stash is gone, the line of credit they got with the house is gone, her personal lines of credit are gone – and well, they are pretty much going to have to sell the house for close to one million in order to make it worth their while. Yes, welcome to real estate investment in sunny California, folks. It just really isn’t like those cable tv shows where a coat of paint and some new curtains does the trick. To name just a few of the major projects for this house, they: built two decks, refurbished the fireplace, gutted and redid the kitchen, gutted and redid the master bath, built a laundry room, rewired, repiped, put on a new roof, painted inside and out, reguttered, rebuilt the corral and now are tending to the minor details, I wonder if it would have been cheaper to just knock down the old house and start from scratch. We’ll never know.

So anyway, please pray for Zelda, who now has the house listed and it really does look quite beautiful – but if she doesn’t sell it soon, she’ll be living in my backyard, existing on tomatoes, eggplant and mystery squash.

UPDATE:

Zelda just sent me a couple photos here:

Unfortuantely, they do don’t the place justice – the first of the living room and the second is the view from the master bedroom deck.

Also Zelda gave me the following message for you:
Please tell everyone I popped in, and thank them for their well wishes. The double vision is clearing up and I believe that the skull fracture is, in fact, healed. Brain damage was… OK I was going to say minimal, but that may not be entirely true, right?  Zelda

The Terrible Two’s

My buddy Reggie sent me a little email meme and it inspired me so much that I jazzed it up and thought I’d post it here.

Funny how things come in two’s…or is it three’s? Hmmm…. 😉 WC

Two names you go by:

1. Annie
2. Stupid Cow

Two names you’d rather go by:

1. Princess of the Universe
2. Emma

Two things you are wearing right now:

1. Sneakers
2. Sweats

Two things you’d rather be wearing right now:

1. A handsome, horny man
2. A dress made of $50 bills

Two things you want very badly at the moment:

1. An agent
2. My novel published

Two things you don’t want very badly at the moment:

1. Any kind of disease
2. Acne

Two things you did last night:

1. Read
2. Cooked

Two things you wished you done last night:

1. Dined with the President
2. Signed a publishing contract

Two things you ate yesterday:

1. Tri-tip stir fry
2. Breadless turkey sandwich

Two things you wished you ate yesterday:

1. Snickers Bar
2. Chocolate, chocolate-chip Hagen Daas

Two people you last talked to:

1. Roomie
2. Zelda

Two people you wish would talk to you:

1. God
2. Eric Clapton

Two Things you’re doing tomorrow:

1. Submitting to more agents
2. Drum up work

Two things you wish you were doing tomorrow:

1. Having sex on a private beach
2. Depositing gobs of money in my bank account.

Two longest car rides:

1. California to Florida
2. Florida to California

Two cars you would like to drive:

1. Baby Humvy
2. Beamer

Two favorite holidays or vacations:

1. Christmas
2. Fourth of July

Two holidays that should exist but don’t:

1. National Blogger Day
2. Give Away Money Day

Two favorite beverages:

1. Diet Coke
2. Coffee

Two beverages you’re not allowed to drink:

1. Jack Daniels
2. Tequila

Wet Christmas

One of my favorite songs of all time is White Christmas – and I really love the movie too. But when this song was written, it was a kinder, gentler time. I wonder if Irving Berlin were around these days what he would have come up with. I thought I’d come up with my own updated version, and given all the global warming thing, I think Wet Christmas is probably more appropos. And just as a little side note, I dedicate this to my good buddy, Mikey. Especially the last line. WC

 

I’m dreaming of a wet Christmas
cuz it’s not cold enough for snow.
All the trees are listless
and kids assist us
to hear cell phones yelling ‘ho’

I’m dreaming of a wet Christmas
with every credit card I swipe.
Hope your days aren’t laden with hype
and may all your christmases not bite.

(repeat second verse after musical interlude)

When I’m 64

[ HT to my buddy Jenny 😉 ]

Two old ladies, Maude & Mabel, are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke. When it starts to rain, Mabel pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, fits it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Maude: Where in the hell did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously surprised since Maude is quite ancient, but it is not his place to judge.

Pharmacist: Is there any particular brand that you prefer, Madame?

Maude: Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.

At which point, the pharmacist promptly fainted.