Out of utter frustration and embarrassment, North Korean dictator Kim Jong (little kim to his fwends) claimed to have tested a nuke in his basement yesterday to direct attention away from his really bad hair. For all his claims of leaps forward, his hair (not to mention his fashion sense) has never had a good day.
“I have tried everything from Dippity Do to Super-glu,” the frustrated royal hairdresser was quoted as saying. “The air is very humid here and frankly we are fighting a losing battle.”
Even as a child, little kim dreamed incessantly of his mushroom-cloud shaped hair – and has nightmares to this day of his head exploding and raining down on his people.
Despite extensive advice from Jimmy Carter
and Madeline Albright,
kim simply could find no acceptable Western solution. Although he did really appreciate the champaigne and good wishes.
Rock legend, Elton John donated several pairs of designer eyeglasses to the distraught dictator in an effort to raise kim’s low self-esteem – but the glasses in combination with the big hair only succeeded in making his head appear more ginormous than it actually is.
The alleged ‘nuke’ test was discovered to be a hairspray experiment gone bad – the details of which are sketchy – but involved laquer and an old dog with gas.
There are rumblings among the international community to impose UN sanctions on unapproved hair products but it is widely believed that they will be ignored and kim will continue his search for the perfect pomade.
When asked about the explosion during a telephonic interview with an AP reporter, Jong’s only response was, “I dah bomb!”
Meanwhile, there are rumors that kim is currently in negotiations with Regenix and Rogaine with a possible endorsement deal if a product can be developed that really works.
Spokespersons for both Regenix and Rogaine are quite confident and have advised that we should look for a total makeover of little kim in early 2007. I say, it can’t happen too soon.